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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 5:59:47 AM | I've looked on the forums to try to see where this has been brought up intelligently, but it hasn't...gasp...so I would like to put my thoughts on the subject forward and will be completely honest to any questions, but I will not tolerate someone being uncivil..so if you don't agree with what people do, fine thats great, but don't become rude about it. I may not like your picture but I'm going to to be rude about it...use common sense.
Now, with that said: Every time I'm asked what an Open Marriage is, I spend a long time trying to figure out how to word it so people can understand it from MY point of view, more often than naught, they are still trying to see it from their own...ergo the negativity. So I've compiled a list of the most commonly asked questions and thoughts on it to start us off, if you have any questions that isn't covered, please ask, I would be more than happy to answer it.
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 Open Marriages
I've been married for nearly 7 years and I have always been faithful and loyal. My wife and I have discussed and decided for having an Open Marriage. Now I know some people, especially in the south, would say "that ain't right!" and go on to quote their bibles and such...to those ignorant people I say this: Peter had numerous wives, as did SEVERAL others in your bible....so zip it...These are the same people who said "that ain't right!" in regards to homosexuality, interracial marriages, desegregations and the abolition of slavery...
What is an Open Marriage? An Open Marriage is a Marriage first and foremost, there is no separation, divorce or anything like that, no, I don’t plan on leaving my wife, no I don’t love her any less, and no I’m not looking for just sex on the side. We still love each other very much.
Why an Open Marriage? The best way I can explain this is….have you ever been on a LONG car ride with someone? I don’t care how much you like that person, how much you got along with them or how great the idea seemed to be at the time…more often than not, before the end of the trip you can rest assured that someone was searching for a sharp and/or blunt object… Now, just because that person has gotten on your last nerve, does that mean you will go home after the car ride and plot their death in a particularly gruesome way? Most likely not….typically the FIRST thing you do is find other people and hear something new, something from a different point of view and just take a ‘break’ from that person for a bit. An Marriage is just like a LONG car ride…so instead of getting to the point where we start looking for something sharp with a twitch in our eye…we have decided to see other people.
How did this decision come about? Well, my wife would continuously joke about my more than normal sexual drive, and would tell me to get a girlfriend. For years it was an ongoing joke, then one day after saying this, it clicked and just seemed like a good idea, so we had about a 6 hour discussion on it and decided to give it a try.
Why not get a divorce? Obviously you haven’t been paying attention thus far…we have no intentions of a divorce or a separation; we love each other very much and wish to stay married. Just because you are spending time with someone other than your best friend, does that mean you like your best friend less? No, no it does not.
So you’re going to cheat on each other? If you are taking a test, and the teacher lets you use the book, is that cheating? Hell no, that’s a great grade! If you use the book or notes when you’re not supposed to, without permission, then THAT’S cheating. There’s a big difference.
This doesn’t make any sense to me! Ok and? I don't really care what makes sense to you...it doesn't affect me one way or the other...it's really quite simple.
and if at all possible, please take the the time to think....I do so abhor comments such as "that sux" or "ur dumb" ....take the time to explain yourself. | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:04:25 AM | | It would not be ok for my personal life to have an open marriage or relationship. That said , I have no problem with it . If 2 consenting adults in 'said' relationship decide thats the road they want to take , without any deceit than thats their business. I must point out I abhor cheaters and the whole concept of cheating but open marriages are not cheating. Its not for me to judge the dynamics of other peoples relationships, especially if they have open communication . | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:06:29 AM | | If I may ask loveable, I agree, cheaters are low lives who have absolutely no respect for anyone...kudos. but do you consider being in an Open marriage the same as cheating? | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:10:25 AM | | Well I don't see the problem with open relationships, consenting adults and all that. Not sure I've ever had a problem with a long car journey with anyone I'm close to though. What I am just wondering though is why you find it necessary to ave to justify yourself on here? | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:17:56 AM | Op first off I have to point this out. You said:
but I will not tolerate someone being uncivil..so if you don't agree with what people do, fine thats great, but don't become rude about it.
Then you turn around and say:
Now I know some people, especially in the south, would say "that ain't right!" and go on to quote their bibles and such...to those ignorant people I say this:
If you expect people to respect your point of a view and treat you in a certain manner, then should give the same in return. Just because you do not agree with those people, who are you to call them ignorant? You are being rude and they haven't even spoken yet!!! These statements alone have made me have less respect for you and your position.
Now I am not really sure what your question is here. Are you just trying to justify why you are okay with an open marriage?
When you went into this agreement with your wife, both of you should have discussed the difficulties of "acceptance" from society. It is not the "norm". Marriage means different things to different people, and yes religion is a part of that.
Personally, I do not agree with an "open marriage". Why would I want to get involved with someone whose love lies elsewhere? So I should give my love to him but always remain number two? I would have to emotionally detach myself from the situation and thus, for me, it would have to become solely about sex and friendship.
Now you say this is not just about sex:
no I’m not looking for just sex on the side
Then you turn around and say:
Well, my wife would continuously joke about my more than normal sexual drive, and would tell me to get a girlfriend. For years it was an ongoing joke, then one day after saying this, it clicked and just seemed like a good idea
So in my opinion the driving force behind this decision for you was for the sex. And if thats what it is...just say it. Don't try to sugar coat it as something else! What do these women that you are having on the side get out of this? What's in it for them? What lies in the future for them? | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:20:51 AM | | Kind of like socialism you paint a far rosier picture for your choice than what occurs in reality for most people who try/practice it. I know several people who have tried opening their marriage up to others sexually and the results have almost always been damaging. While "harmless" in concept and certainly not dishonest or cheating there is a few human flaws that keep this idea from working for most. A little thing called jealousy. We all have it and all would, even if we fully agreed to allow our spouse to go have sex with another person, would feel it during the act. As socialism overlooks human greed open marriages overlook jealousy. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:21:34 AM | HELLO
I still don't understand why, if both you and your wife are happy with this arrangement, you need to justify yourself on here????????? | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:23:18 AM | Peter had numerous wives, as did SEVERAL others in your bible....so zip it
where in the bible does it mention Peter's multiple wives???
There is one mention in the bible of Peter's mother in law but not of his wive(s)
Perhaps you mean Abraham.. who indeed had one wife plus concubines..
now.. the multiple wife issue back then was happening because frankly there probably weren't many men to go around.. people wander in tribes and the idea of multiple marriages was so that women who had either lost husbands or couldn't find them would have someone to take care of them.. Unlike in our times women now adays have no need for 1 husband.. so they don't have to sit back while their husband choose multiple spouses.. but I digress..
so anyway.. my personal opinion if it works for you.. then knock yourself out... now if you and your wife decide its okay for you to have a partner and her to have a partner..For me it would never be something I personally would do..I won't even get involved with someone who is seperated.. but thats me
by the way.. is your wife planning to find a lover and are you okay with that???
now you state
I don't really care what makes sense to you...it doesn't affect me one way or the other...it's really quite simple.
uh.. if you don't care.. why post this.. usually when we start a discussion its usually because something is irritating us about it.. but I maybe wrong..
either way.. its your life..
EDIT just in case your wonder.. Peter's mother-in-law is referred to (Matthew 8:14). His wife accompanied him on at least some of his missionary journeys (1 Corinthians 9:5). | |
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| Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:23:41 AM | | Open Marriage is an oxymoron. As soon as it is "open", it is no longer a marriage. What you have is simply a comfortable legal arrangement but you do not have a marriage. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:24:02 AM | Open Marriage is definitely not for me, but if it floats your boat by all means sail away.
I do agree with the one poster who said that you basically came on here to justify your choices.. I wonder how your parents or family members would feel if they knew you took other women as lovers as your wife apparently can not keep up.
Honestly it sounds very selfish.. but then it is none of my business.
I am curious what happens if one of these girls you are bedding falls for you or gasp gets pregnant? Stuff happens. I hope you have thought that part through! | |
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| Open Marriages (call me luv)
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:30:09 AM | Firstly true enough, I did ask for people to be civil and I did in fact call the above people in the instance you point out 'ignorant' ...I fail to see the relevance in pointing that out...ignorance means the lack of knowledge...the people that said abolition of slavery, interracial marriages, and desegregations were not right...I find those people extremely ignorant, note that I said ignorant, not dumb, stupid, slow, simply ignorant madam.
I feel that perhaps I didn't explain certain parts of that, as you pointed out the next two, and thank you for that so allow me to explain: I don't see sex as just penis in vagina period. I see sex as a very large spectrum such as cuddling, holding hands, kissing, spending much time together, etc... some people may call that other things such as sexuality or perhaps intimacy? but I can see very well how that would come out wrong, and for that I apologize.
you make a very good question of the last, "What do these women that you are having on the side get out of this? What is in it for them? and What lies in their future for them?"
VERY good questions indeed let me take them one by one:
What do these women.....get out of this?" They get the same as anyone gets out of a loving relationship, the only slight difference that I can see how it would differ from say, someone dating several people (while not married) is that it is known up front that the relationship isn't going towards marriage.
What is in it for them? I feel this is the same question, if I am wrong do correct me.
What lies in their future for them? Well, though we are not working towards a marriage (and by 'we' I do mean the 2nd woman of course), we can build strong bonds and long lasting friendships, and honest and loving support. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:37:34 AM | MsDermeaner.....as stated previously this is not a justification...it's a discussion....do try to keep up.
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Pilot if I may ask, do you know the reasons why it didn't work for your friends?
Talltexann: yes, we do have a marriage lol.
Teddybear: "how would your parents feel...." quite frankly, it's absolutely none of their business, my family has absolutely zero say in my life.
very very good questions: what happens if she falls for you
Well, I truly hope she does, as I'm not in this for sex, I'm in it for love....as we can love more than one person at a time.
"what if she becomes pregnant" great question here, kudos. though of course every precaution will be taken to prevent this, as you pointed out, thins happen. and in that event, I will of course be there with the child through all things, I'll support the child (and the mother through pregnancy) and be a part of my child's life. Now, I'm sure others would go so far as to move her in at that point, but that would be a discussion between all 3 of us I think, myself, my wife and the girlfriend. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:40:22 AM | What other people do is their business. Period.
On the other hand, would I now get involved with a woman in an "open" marriage? Not a chance! I tried it long ago, and there was far too much drama. Short history "Geez I am starting to really like this lady? Tough luck fella, no place to go! It's just for sex and to listen to her complaints about what is missing from her marriage." (comes to terms with the reality of the situation) "Oops, now she is getting attached and wants more? This isn't fun anymore! Sorry lady, not interested."
On the third hand, would I agree to an open marriage? No way! My first marriage was open on my wife's side (though not on mine) and it became really unpleasant. She seemed to want all of the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities. Did I mention STD's?
If I wanted to have sex with more than one person, I wouldn't get in a comitted relationship or get married. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:41:58 AM | | I do not consider open marriages cheating . I see it more as an 'activity' such as sky diving or scuba diving etc. Both of those I mentioned are not activities I would want to partake in and same as open marriage. I do not,however, believe its morally wrong . Cheating is morally wrong and never the twine shall meet. Good luck with your open marriage, you seem like an ok person to me. Its just not something I would do , but that does not mean its wrong. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:45:40 AM | Well said WaywardSeeker "What other people do IS their business".
My own sex life may not be conventional but I'm happy with it and my partners past and present have been too.
I don't find it necesary to open it up for "discussion" or to get anyone else's permission to do what feels right for me. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:45:42 AM | Open marriages isn't cheating since mutual consent and agreements are in place.
In my limited knowlegde about the lifestyle, where open marriages fall, what you said is not open marriage in my books.
I didn't read about your wife having extra marital relationship.
I think what you have is permission to fuk with another woman, that is an authorized affair, not an open marriage.
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Posted: 8/7/2007 6:49:44 AM | Open Marriage huh?
Just how open. Seems to me like you have gotten permission to sleep around. Does she have that option, or is it just for you? | |
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| Open Marriages (call me luv)
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:09:16 AM |
Every time I'm asked what an Open Marriage is, I spend a long time trying to figure out how to word it so people can understand it from MY point of view, more often than naught, they are still trying to see it from their own...ergo the negativity
Of course people are going to see it from their own point of view. We all have our own ingrained beliefs and moral values, and simply because mine may conflict with yours does not make my beliefs any less valuable than yours.
As some have said, sleeping with someone other than your wife is your choice, and you can do as you please. That would not be my choice, but in real life I would never say anything because it is none of my business. However, since you brought the subject to our attention, curlygirl and the rest of us are entitled to our own dissenting opinions on the subject.
Understanding it from your point of view, what I am understanding is that you want sex either more often than your wife does, or in a manner your wife does not desire. Your solution to that is to look outside your marriage for gratification.
Why not get a divorce? Obviously you haven’t been paying attention thus far…we have no intentions of a divorce or a separation; we love each other very much and wish to stay married. Just because you are spending time with someone other than your best friend, does that mean you like your best friend less? No, no it does not.
I don't have sex with my best friend. I am not betraying her by spending time with others because I did not take a vow to be her one and only friend. But if I had made plans with her, then decided I'd rather go do the same thing with someone else, yes, I would be wrong to break the original plan.
An Marriage is just like a LONG car ride…so instead of getting to the point where we start looking for something sharp with a twitch in our eye…we have decided to see other people.
It took you six hours to come to this agreement. Was she reticent at first? Did you convince her that you loved only her but that since she turned you down for sex more often than you'd like you would actually be doing her a favor by fulfilling those desires elsewhere?
From the information you gave here, it sounds as though you are simply looking for some strange. It does not, however, sound as though sex is the motivating factor for your wife. So when she starts to see someone else she will be doing it for her own gratification which will be emotional rather than sexual.
My guess is that when she meets a man, she'll tell him that she agreed to the open marriage because she was tired of fighting about sex and just gave in. He'll sympathize with her, give her the emotional support and understanding she has been craving, she'll fall in love with him and leave you for a happy marriage with someone with whom she is more compatible.
we can build strong bonds and long lasting friendships, and honest and loving support
Therein lies the problem of an open marriage. Sex aside, you are taking away from your wife when you share those emotions with another woman. | |
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| Open Marriages MsDer
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:16:15 AM |
This is here to discuss this issue.
isn't that what is being done here?? people are discussing the issue..
or perhaps..
neither of which were to my liking
as with the other posting this one isn't really to your liking either.. | |
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| Open Marriages (call me luv)
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:18:14 AM | Question OP?
Can you honestly say you would be OK with your wife making love to another man? This is not just about your needs, what if she decides to do the same and finds herself a lover?
The taking this even further... what if you or she fall in love with the new partner?
Are you really willing to risk your marriage for this?
Just thought I would try and give you a different perspective... | |
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Posted: 8/7/2007 7:20:03 AM | I don’t plan on leaving my wife, no I don’t love her any less, and no I’m not looking for just sex on the side. We still love each other very much ......This is the biggest load of crap Iv'e heard in a long time. IF you loved your wife, you wouldn't want to be having sex with someone else, and you certainly wouldn't want HER to be having sex with someone else.
Why do you have 'dating' as your preference? I'll tell you why.....Does "Must not have messaged users looking for sex' ring a bell?
If you choose an open marriage, you are both cheaters, no if's, but's or maybe's about it pal.
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Posted: 8/7/2007 7:22:34 AM | You have a point about the multiple wives. There was often a shortage of men, because the ancient Semites had to go into battle quite often against other warlike tribes, so there would be less men to go around, so it made sense so that the women would not suffer that they would be able to have one husband and for the tribe to produce more boys for the continuation of the tribe. This is completely different than what the OP wants to do. The Semites didn't have more than wife simply for sexual pleasure. That takes the Bible out of context, not that I am a prude.
Anyway, if you two consented to do this why bring it up? Why not just do it? It's a free country.... | |
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| Open Marriages Chatter box
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:22:51 AM | "However, since you brought the subject to our attention, curlygirl and the rest of us are entitled to our own dissenting opinions on the subject." I completely agree with you, I completely respect and value your opinion, but I do not, however, agree with some of their crassness...which is why some of my comments appear less than civil.
"Your solution to that is to look outside your marriage for gratification. "
correction, OUR solution. she was the one who brought this up, many many times over several years. We just sat down to talk about it.
"I don't have sex with my best friend. I am not betraying her by spending time with others because I did not take a vow to be her one and only friend." I honestly don't see spending time with other people as betraying, I simply do not. And as for vows, I took the vow to love her for all times, to take care of her and to be there for her forever. And as far as I can see, those vows have neither been changed nor broken.
"It took you six hours to come to this agreement. Was she reticent at first? Did you convince her that you loved only her but that since she turned you down for sex more often than you'd like you would actually be doing her a favor by fulfilling those desires elsewhere?" Very good question. but I think a bit misguided due to my wordings. this was HER idea from the first time it was mention about 4 or 5 years ago. and it isn't about simply sex.....we are two different people....I prefer to cuddle and do all of the romantic stuff, whereas she does not....in fact, if she comes up and kisses me out of the blue, I check for stab wounds lol. Not that she doesn't love me, it's just thats not 'her' style.
"So when she starts to see someone else she will be doing it for her own gratification which will be emotional rather than sexual."
we each will see who we see (apart from each other of course) for our own reasons, but I am very confident that she gets more than enough emotional support from me.
"My guess is that when she meets a man, she'll tell him that she agreed to the open marriage because she was tired of fighting about sex and just gave in....and leave for the 'happier' marriage" very good point. I don't know what she'll tell him, it's none of my business really....but I know she wouldn't lie, so I don't have to worry about this at all. We have the greatest communication and rely heavily on that.
"you are taking away from your wife when you share those emotions with another woman."
very good point. to me, and do correct me if I'm wrong, but to me, this sounds along the lines of, you can't love 2 people....if that is correct then here is my rebuttal:
I can love 2 people, everyone can love 2 people....if you have 2 children can you love one more than the other or can you love them both equally? I feel that I'm not 'taking' anything from her, I am emotional and very compassionate where she is not, so i am simply...and do forgive this analogy.....giving away something that isn't wanted or used.
very good points you made by the way. thank you. | |
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| Open Marriages Chatter box
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:24:23 AM |
I can love 2 people, everyone can love 2 people....if you have 2 children can you love one more than the other or can you love them both equally?
uh.. its a different kind of love.. you cannot compare the love of your children to the love of a partner/spouse..
big difference.. but nice try. | |
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| Open Marriages Chatter box
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:27:01 AM | Well I personally think it's wonderful that you have so much lurve to share.
Have you thought of starting your own religous sect with free love for all?
I would be willing to sign up as a sex slave!
Hows about Thursday? | |
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