| | Married vs Seperated????Page 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | What is up with all the seperated men contacting me when my profile states must not be married. In my opinion they are one in the same, seperated means married still, and it also means looking for that transitional relationship.
So, lets hear what other POF members have to say. What is the difference if any between married and seperated? | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:27:53 AM | OP - Personally I hesitate A LOT when I see someone is separated. The difference isn't near wide enough for me to feel comfortable with it. Way too many uncertainties involved. Rebound, change of heart and they get back together, not willing to actually get divorced and so they stay separated for years and years, etc etc. I've yet to hear of a justifiable explanation for remaining separated and not divorced. They defeat their own purpose for being unattached and available again. They might want a lasting relationship with someone else but ultimately you're just the supporting cast in their soap opera.
Not for me... | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:39:46 AM | Sometimes it's just a holding pattern while the divorce papers are going through the system.
Sometimes we have no choice in the matter. We can't say we're divorced, even though there's clear evidence this is the end of the line. And yet, we've had plenty of time to come to terms with the end of the relationship, and accept it. We just don't have any viable alternative.
I'd attempted to file them yesterday, but the lawyer was not in, so i'm trying again today. I want nothing more than to be divorced, and "available" again. However, this doesn't change the fact that i'm stuck in this most precarious position until it finally goes through.
When you KNOW you're ready to move on, and the other has already moved on (in my case, 6 months before she asked for a divorce), you're stuck in a Catch 22. You don't have the love of your ex-partner while you're filing for divorce, yet you can't look for a new, stronger relationship while you're stuck waiting on the legalities of it all.
Some men are just playing around. Some men ARE too afraid to file, too afraid to be alone. Some DO think there's hope left to get back together.
But some of us just want to be free, are trying to do so, and don't wish to be condemned early on for things in which the control rests with the attorney.
My two cents. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:42:09 AM | 3rdedition explains it best - women do the same here on pof. I personally do not have (that) restriction w/i my profile simply because there are MANY 'way's to be seperated - meaning timewise (some are recent - some have been seperated for YEARS). It's a well known fact that the women on pof (and most dating sites) receive FAR more email than the men for many reasons ;) including men going from one profile to another to another & emailing regardless of any 'restrictions' / 'preferences/ mentioned w/i profiles.
Anyway, I tend to also avoid the seperated 'people' - I've had past experiences where I was dating a seperated woman (not to the serious point yet) and through unrelenting pressure from the 'husband' most of the time, (they) go & try to work things out...again - 'for the kids sake...' etc
I've had a # of those same women email/call me back a few months later - telling me 'it was a terrible mistake to go back...'
SO if you want to avoid a mess, stay away from the seperated ones :) IF they email, simply block them - you owe them nothing.  | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:46:07 AM | Hands, you do of course realize that your advice would cause most men to choose Divorced, then be forced to play it out as such in a tangled web nobody wants to be in?
Separated is just another way of saying Divorced Without Paperwork. To me, the paperwork is a legality, a logistics thing. If a couple is already divorced in their hearts, their lifestyle, and their location, Separated leaves a lot to be desired in terms of explanation.
Robbing Peter to pay Paul is a little silly. Especially since Paul has a worse temper, and Peter's already broke.  | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:58:00 AM | "What is up with all the seperated men contacting me when my profile states must not be married. In my opinion they are one in the same, seperated means married still, and it also means looking for that transitional relationship. "
As far as my ex was concerned, the minute she filed the papers, we were divorced. The discharge of the divorce was just a formality.
From a legal standpoint, in most states, the minute you file the papers, everything seperates out, and the state no longer recognizes the couple. Most states have a waiting period before the divorce becomes finalized, discharged, legal. I know, legalise mumbo jumbo!
It's all in the interperation. Maybe you need to put in your profile, "divorce must be discharged" or "legally divorced." I've seen profiles that specifiy a time period that you should be divorced before dating. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:58:09 AM | | I am one of those that is seperated. There is no possibility for a second chance at this marriage. I was with him for 15 years and I am so glad to be rid of him. He was a lier, cheater, drunk, and drug addict. I have not considered myself married since the day I walked out of our house. He was very physically abusive to me and beat me for the last time. So..my point being, marriage is just a piece of paper to some. It was not that way to me. I felt my marriage was also in my heart. In the eyes of God and church, you can be married or you can be committed to another person and not have the liscense. What diference does it make except for legal matters as splitting property etc. We didn't have any as drunks usually don't. I felt free from this man in my mind and heart. I do not consider myself married anymore. I just have to get the money now to divorce him. By the way he got "engaged" to another woman one week after I left...Lovable | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:59:41 AM | Wynne -
...I was not offering 'advice' to 'men' - I was simply stating my personal opinion as the lady had asked for originally and in fact had noted w/i my experiences with seperated WOMEN. I STILL say MOST - not all MOST seperated men and/or women, especially the ones who've been so for YEARS, and have one excuse or 100 excuses for beingso, are not wise to date - especially with all the divorced / single / widowed etc prospects out there. When a person - woman or man indicates (in this case) SHE does not want to be contacted by seperated men, people should respect (her) wish and not write. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:02:09 AM | Ah, i'm glad it's not just me. I've fought losing battles before, but one sword can't stand up against a thousand Romans. Unless you've seen 300, of course.
Lovable, I know how you feel. My ex-wife was "engaged" in a similar manner six MONTHS before she left. Never bothered to mention it. Online relationship. Fled to Georgia. I'm in Oklahoma.
Both sides have valid points. It comes down to either choosing to take the chance, or not. Dating sites, after all, give you that option better than anything.
Still, you'll never know what you're missing out on if you decline to try.
Double-edged swords cut through butter, slice, dice, and make Julian fries! | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:02:51 AM |
Separated is just another way of saying Divorced Without Paperwork.
perhaps.
but, it's also a way of saying, "i'm really married, but trying to get some action on the side." i've caught many liars. it's not hard.
for those who are truly separated, and awaiting a divorce, i have no problem with that. if they plan on being separated for the rest of their life, that would be a problem. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:03:46 AM | They might want a lasting relationship with someone else but ultimately you're just the supporting cast in their soap opera.
I tend to agree with this statement. While there are exceptions, unfortunately it seems that more often than not this tends to be the case. From my own personal experience, I've learned that it's better to stay away from these situations where endeless delays and empty promises seem to be the norm, and prefer someone who is free and clear to move forward with a new person in their life. While it may not necessarily be your partner's fault, it's hard not to feel cheated in this scenario as you are forced to live your life in limbo by default. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:07:02 AM | Hands,
Very true, and I agree with you. I spent way too much time in college doing Rhetoric, and Debate. It's one reason I normally avoid the forums. It's too much of a...well...forum. 
One should respect her wishes, indeed. However, it's difficult to tell if Must Not Be Married means Divorced, or Separated as well. The only way to know, is to ask.
The English language gets us in far more trouble than it's worth. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:10:07 AM | I have to disagree. I am one of those separated. The paperwork has not been completed and although he is now living with another woman and I am living alone we both clearly have moved on. He feels I should pay for it and visa versa...we are at a stand off...LOL...anyway I began the process went through the entire process and he was served wrong, so guess what ? I have to do it all over again. Well I just have not done that yet.
So if someone does not want to meet because I am not legally divorced then keep stepping, his loss not mine. Get over the insecurities and have a little faith in people...and let me say this at least when people state their status they are being honest, I have been contacted by many guys who are just plain liars...in a relationship, married etc...it does not stop me from meeting anyone, chances are there will be no love interest anyway and maybe you end up best of friends.
One more for food for thought: we all list our wonderful selves but what is the bad stuff??? You pick one thing out and say no way...well good luck in your dating experiences, your options will be limited or you will end up getting someone who is dishonest.
Just my opinion about the topic.  | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:13:08 AM | | Just like a square is a rectangle, separated is married! It's just one kind of married. It is no time to be dating, in fact, probably the worst time in the world to be dating! Can anyone say "commitment-phobe" or "I'm not complete without a partner"? It's not about being worried about the other person; it's about time to totally tie up the loose ends. As long as the paperwork is still "pending", there is baggage. Most states only require 60-90 days before the paperwork is final. You may not feel like it but you need that time to rediscover yourself as a single person and it's unfair to involve someone else in that process. If you need more time, it's usually because there are "issues" and it's definitely not fair to be dating someone else when you are still dealing with those. Clean up the mess from the old relationship first; then invite someone in.... much more pleasant that way. | |
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TeJ_25
| | Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 15 | |
| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:14:56 AM | | would not deal with someone who is just seperated. because they would technically still be married. that is to say the heat of passion and that kind of thing would still be in effect. so some broding spouse or other could be lying in wait somewhere. not trying to be funny. but when you think about it. would not want to be involved in something like that. to me seperated is just a marriage in a waiting period | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:16:53 AM | ...glad to hear (we) agree Wynne - OP IS pretty 'clear' - to the point w/i (her) profile - ' may as well quote (her) - ...'so tired of games...' - ...'if your a player or still married, please keep going. And yes, that means seperated too...!!!'
I simply do not see the need for a dictionary to understand what (she) means here - it's very clear. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:16:57 AM | Message: I am one of those that is seperated. There is no possibility for a second chance at this marriage. I was with him for 15 years and I am so glad to be rid of him. He was a lier, cheater, drunk, and drug addict. I have not considered myself married since the day I walked out of our house. He was very physically abusive to me and beat me for the last time. So..my point being, marriage is just a piece of paper to some. It was not that way to me. I felt my marriage was also in my heart. In the eyes of God and church, you can be married or you can be committed to another person and not have the liscense. What diference does it make except for legal matters as splitting property etc. We didn't have any as drunks usually don't. I felt free from this man in my mind and heart. I do not consider myself married anymore. I just have to get the money now to divorce him. By the way he got "engaged" to another woman one week after I left...Lovable
Loveable, you I hope do realize that many women in exactly the same circumstances as yours DO end up going back into the marriage/relationship. Why? Who knows. Codependance? They're so addicted to that person, or they get away from the abuse and find they can't live without it for some odd reason. I dated a seriously abused woman many years back whose divorce wasn't final yet. We dated for a couple of months, before she broke it off by telling me that she might be able to love me, if only I'd just hit her now and then. Ugh.
Jim  | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:20:02 AM | Technicalities kill.
Either way, the one who is Separated, and who has filed the paperwork, is in a waiting pattern, yes. But when you KNOW there's absolutely no chance to get back with your spouse, it REALLY tends to burn you up a bit that you're just sitting in the sidelines waiting for some arbitrary paperwork to make it all well and good.
Then again, i'm not going to debate the issue. I'm merely offering my stance on the matter, biased as it may be.
Good will towards your fellow human, and all that.  | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:25:34 AM | I feel for seperated people on here because there is really no way to access the situation from the other side.
My biggest problem with dating someone who is seperated is it seems unlikely they would be looking to get into a relationship straigth away. I know if I was seperated the last thing I would be looking for would be to jump into something serious right away. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:32:30 AM | Trade,
Thank you for your empathy. It's relatively difficult to understand from the other side of the coin unless you've been there.
That being said, if you've had a long time to come to terms with the breakup, and you've found yourself ready to move on, you're just waiting on confirmation from the lawyer. Some separated people ARE ready to try for a serious relationship, as their last one has had plenty of time to simmer down and flicker into history. You learn from it, you move on, and you try to find your true partner.
Something tells me i'm either Aladdin (A diamond in the rough), or there are a lot of PoF members working for the CIA. 
I keed, I keed.
Here's hoping I can help at least one person through sharing my experiences. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:33:25 AM | My husband walked out 6 months ago, after 3 years of abuse he left me for a woman his mother set him up with.....anyway the day he walked out I classed myself free, and do as I please, we dont speak to each other and the only thing connecting us is a bit of paper. In the uk things take a bit longer before divorce.
Some men are put off by me being seperated while some are fine with it, I find the majority are ok with me not being divorced yet. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:46:17 AM | | Well I haven't really thought about this much, but I tell everyone I'm divorced - not separated. I haven't seen my ex in nearly 5 years. He refuses to give me a divorce. In my eyes, I'm divorced - not separated. As for those that are "working" on their marriages.. they don't need to be on a dating site in the first place. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:57:51 AM | | I think it is a matter of degree. Separated living in the same house on the couch is different than separated living in different houses (apartments), paying child support, and working through the divorce process. The latter is still turbulent and I would be very wary, woman or man, to get involved with someone going through the whole ordeal. On the other hand messy divorces can take years and the party you are interested may have broken the emotional bonds and ready to move on except for the legal mumbo-jumbo. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 8:01:38 AM | I see dating someone who is seperated... and dating.... as a transitional relationship too !!!
Maybe we are the only ones OP (original poster)... which makes us soul sisters in this area.
People will all have their ideas but mine is based on sound understanding of seperated people and how they are... 
not idealism.
My parents owned a bar when I was growing up....
I saw it all. | |
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| Married vs Seperated????
Posted: 8/14/2007 8:34:41 AM | I simply wish to thank ALL of you who voted NOT to have this thread deleted  | |
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