| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 7:52:49 AM | Okay be gentle, this is the first time I've posted a new thread. I searched and only found one topic similar, and it was from January. It didn't go very far, so I'm not sure this one will either.
Anyway, would you date someone that had 3 kids by 3 different men/women?
Would you run away as soon as you found out? Or would you hear him/her out and allow them to explain? Would you expect them to explain or would you respect them enough and give them time to explain if and when they feel the need?
How is it really any of our business if they have different dads/moms? Used to, I thought I wouldn't date a guy that had kids by different women. But if he's a single dad he's obviously taking care of them all, which means he can't be that bad of a guy - right? Or am I way wrong?
(And this doesn't necessarily mean the man/woman is a total whore.. those 3 that got them pregnant or that they got pregnant by might've been the only 3 they've ever slept with..) | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:20:27 AM | I wouldn't.
Not nearly so hypocritical as it seems. When I look I am looking for potential future, and not just a few dates. Someone with three CS payments (getting or receiving) has a lot they cannot offer me. I do not need undivided attention, but man, sharing it with three (plus my one) is a lot. Not so bad when there is only one, or only one other parent (for the three scenario) It is likely that with three involved exes, they cannot all be nice to be around.
Scheduling visitation would be a constant nightmare. It won't stop me being friends with someone, but no, not what I would want in a long term mate. Morals has nothing to do with it - time to grow as a couple is everything. In such a scenario, there would likely be not enough time for what I need to grow with another person as a mate. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:01:45 AM | | i would probably not get involved with anyone like that (again)...yarr...been there done that with my daighter's father, im the fourth *oooo yay, koff man ho koff* | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:02:09 AM | I couldnt say from the mans point of view, but I have 3 kids 3 different dads for 3 different reasons we are not together anymore. I dont know honestly if I would date a guy with 3 different kids, I would however let him explain his situation first and go from there. one of my friends is with a guy who has soon to be 6 kids from 4 different moms, she is expecting number 3 with him. but two of those kids were born while they were together and he cheated on her twice ((ya she isnt too bright to stay in that position)) but he only pays child support to the one born before my friend and he were together, and he doesnt see him at all. I however see it this way. My childrens donors are not involved do not pay and I raise my kids alone, if someone cant see past the reasoning I have for NOT having the donors involved in my childrens lives, then that is their problem not mine.
And you are right....nothing in life is certain the woman could have been with a guy who drops dead or something...another ex friend of mine, has 3 kids 2 differnt dads...and they are both deceased, although believe me...she prolly isnt the best example... | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:26:07 AM | Normally I would shy away from a person in such a situation. But, now I would be more open to understand a person's circumstances.
As for a dad taking care of three different children from 3 different moms, I would think he must be a pretty great guy ... but, I would seriously question his "choice" of mates, if he had hooked up with 3 women who - not one of them - has custody of her own child... | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 11:23:21 AM | I would hear it out, but honestly, i am already skeptical about this situation.
Too many possiblities and unknown's here but generally i think the baggage would be too much. ( child support, drama, ex problems?) Couple that with my own situation having two daughters and ya that is a king sized nut. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 11:30:47 AM | | Digital sinner shows it best. Thats is the usual result of mixing with someone that has to many kids from too many different mothers/fathers. sooner or later the end result is they get bored again and move on... and on... and on. I'm really sorry if this is not the case for youbut it is sadly the norm. Good luck | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 11:33:31 AM | I wouldn't do it.
It would be just too complicated. It's busy enough with my own kids let alone adding in a bunch of other kids to the mix. Then add in three ex's and it would be just too bizarre. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 2:05:22 PM |
I wouldn't.
Not nearly so hypocritical as it seems. When I look I am looking for potential future, and not just a few dates. Someone with three CS payments (getting or receiving) has a lot they cannot offer me. I do not need undivided attention, but man, sharing it with three (plus my one) is a lot. Not so bad when there is only one, or only one other parent (for the three scenario) It is likely that with three involved exes, they cannot all be nice to be around.
Scheduling visitation would be a constant nightmare. It won't stop me being friends with someone, but no, not what I would want in a long term mate. Morals has nothing to do with it - time to grow as a couple is everything. In such a scenario, there would likely be not enough time for what I need to grow with another person as a mate.
Like a previous poster, I have three kids and they all have different dads. We aren't together for three different reasons. I don't send or receive child support at all, and visitation is zero because they don't see their fathers. In the future, my middle daughter might see hers. But other than that, no visitation nightmare.
People need to look outside of their current situation, outside of their box - or they will miss out on potentially good 'fish'. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 2:29:48 PM | Honestly, I wouldn't get into a situation like that. If the guy I was with went through 3 different woman, and impregnated all 3, then it means his judge of character is a bit off, or perhaps there's something with him that needs fixed.. either way, that's not a person I would like to get involved with. We all make mistakes... but doing the same thing over 3 times... not for me.
I'd rather do without all that drama myself, but that's just my personal preference. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 3:14:42 PM | | I'd hear them out, but I doubt it would go very far, if they've had that many relationships or children..its a skeery pattern i wouldnt want to be the next in line | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 5:07:40 PM | Umm I would run as far as possible if someone had 3 kids with 3 different women... Or vice versa if I was male.
I personally wouldn't care what the situation is, beucase I simply think there is really no excuse for it. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 5:14:40 PM | | Been there....My kids dad has kids to 3 other baby mother. He takes care of them all 100%, he had those children when he was young and irrisponsible, they are teenagers now and he's done a great job with them all so i see no problem with it whatsoever. I'd be more concerned about a girl/guy who had 1 or more kids to the same person and didn't take any responsibility for those kids! | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 5:16:01 PM |
Like a previous poster, I have three kids and they all have different dads. We aren't together for three different reasons. I don't send or receive child support at all, and visitation is zero because they don't see their fathers. In the future, my middle daughter might see hers. But other than that, no visitation nightmare.
You are right that it is a stereotype that people have against multiple children from multiple partners. It shows a propensity for making bad relationship decisions, and as much as I hate to say it, especially in a woman. Yup, my beautiful baby was an oops too. I own that I made a terrible relationship decision. ONE terrible relationship decision, and I am doing the best I can with it, promoting visitation with bio dad so my son can make his own choices regarding his father. It is my responsibility to make sure that there is the option of a relationship there for them, whether they cultivate it together or not. After all, my son's bio dad was good enough to get my rocks off with a couple of times, and pregnancy is always a possibility - even in a situ like mine where I was a cancer patient, and told since 5 years prior to getting pregnant that I'd never have children.
Catch 22. Many non-involved fathers show irresponsibility possibly more than multiple involved fathers. At least the latter shows some compassion for the children, even if it is more of a dating hassle with so many exes caring about the people coming in and out of their children's lives. There are also parameters. Was it 3 spaced out over a twenty year period, and all relationships of a few years or more? Or 3 in a space of a half dozen years, where (IMO only) it is not long enough to know 3 people well enough to have a child with? The first scenario would more likely have a better ear from me, and maybe more likely relationship material (in my opinion only) than someone who has three children by three mothers in the past few years.
You are right that I do not know you personally, and I do not see what is inside your world to make such, but I do live by my own ethic code. I will not write someone off as a friend who has such a circumstance, but I am disinclined to have romantic interest with someone whose decision making process is so far different from my own. I will not say better or worse, but it IS certainly different than how I would order my own life. I got a whole lot pickier in the men I chose once it was apparent that I CAN have children. That is just me, and I would want someone who thinks similar to me as a life mate. I have that, so I am not cutting off any good fish, but have withdrawn my line from the waters altogether for the past two years, and hopefully for a very long time more.
I'm not knocking you or others like you, but I am saying why it would not be a possibility of circumstance in someone I would date. I need a similar thought process to my own for a long term mate, now that I care to have a stable long term mate. Never cared for such until I found out the hard way that I could in fact have children. I wouldn't want a man who has 3 kids by three moms within a decade. Does not show me stability of thought.
Or to be more blunt, what 1seximami said, but with a stipulation of over a long period being more acceptable. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 5:25:56 PM | | By the way, 1 of those children was adopted as a baby against my ex's wishes so he and his mother is out of the equasion as his adoptive parents won't allow contact because son say's he isn't ready. The other mother was incredibly vindictive and cut off all contact with him and their son when he was 3 (but is still happy to claim cs). The last mother, whom he has 2 children to, she and i are good friends who confide in each other and go out together. Thier 2 children are polite, warm and wonderful children that are so easy to love and get on with that i just took to them instantly! I realise it doesn't always work like this and i do think that we're lucky to make it work, but it can work sometimes, therefore i don't think anyone should dismiss a potential love just because they have previous children from other relationships. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 6:43:23 PM | i met a lady for the first time who had 5 kids from four fathers......i have a daughter.....she was honest, to her credit, but i was gone....thats it..... we had coffee, i drove her home, and thats it! Thats how i felt and theres no arguing that. I dont feel i was obligated to give her a chance. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 6:48:13 PM | They would promptly go in my friend box. (not to be confused with the FWB box) LOL
However, if he is taking care of all 3 kids....KUDO'S to him. I understand situations that come up and things happen....but.....
too much drama for my liking. I have one son. I plan to wait till i'm married or getting married to the guy before even thinking of having another baby.
I dunno, I guess he'd have to be something really special. Yaknow? | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/20/2007 7:19:41 PM | Seems to me that someone with 3 kids from 3 different women would be awfully busy parenting these children unless they all HAPPEN to get on the same visitation schedule.
No thanks. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:14:51 AM | I'll have to agree with some, after having two, it really makes you think that you haven't shown much responsibilities to either you or your kids by not using protection of any kind. Granted tho, there are circumstances of the contraceptives not being 100% but after having two, it would definitely make you be extra cautious, like using birth control and condoms, or get your tubes tied. I don't know why anyone would put their kids and themselves in this situation unless they are financially stable for all three, and like having drama.
Would I date someone who has 3 kids by different mothers. I'd let the person speak about the situation, because I am openminded, everyone has issues, no one is perfect. However, it does make me wonder of the lack of responsiblity involved to help prevent pregnancy. I'd want to hear if he's involved financially and emotionally. If he's zero on either or both, he's history. That's just more drama I don't need. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:56:26 AM | I was engaged to a lady that had two children, by two men, each of whom she had been married to; both exes were actively involved in seeing their child. Something to consider is that additional exes in the picture do increase the logistical problems of making it work; but two exes does not double the complications, more like quadruples the complications (extra extended families and work to schedule around). I cannot imagine how difficult it would be if my SO had three exes in the picture.
I think that any couples in this situation that decide to do it need to have good working relationships with the exes and not too many complications (like distance). | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:46:08 AM | WHOOPS --
I guess in my family we have 3 kids by 3 different moms AND dads......my older brother and I are adopted, and then my parents had my sister. 
But our parents have been very happily married for 51 years.  | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/21/2007 4:10:36 PM | | I'd like to think I would listen to why they have 3 different children by 3 different fathers/mothers. Being in that situation myself I wouldn't want to be judged that way especially when it isn't a case od deadbeats etc. I have 4 kids, 2 are from my first marriage, 2 are from planned pregnancy utilizing sperm donors. Technically 3 different fathers though the second 2 don't really have fathers. So I only have 1 ex to deal with, no child support etc I am certainly not someone who sleeps around, nor someone who has made the same mistakes over and over. I chose to have these children in this method for a reason. Due to the amount of time it takes to raise 4 children I do not actively look for someone to date, but I certainly hope that I wouldn't be so quickly judged without someone hearing the whole story. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:01:57 PM | Normaly I don't post here but decided to because the tag line describes my life.
I would agree with Limestone. It depends on the circumstances as well as whether or not the time between indicates whether the individual in question is making bad life choices. I had my opps..and made the decision to keep the child (my choice), had a major birth control incident resulting in a second WTF with a man I was engaged to, and chose to keep the child. When making the decision to keep my second I didn't consider it a possability that the relationship would not work out. Sometimes in relationships there are things you can not over look or have to deal with, that indicate the direction the relationship and your childrens lives will take, multiple infidelities by your partner is one of those things. The 2 oldest are teenagers and will be moving on to their adult lives soon. I am incredibly proud of both of them for their outlook on life , tolerance of others beliefs and their willingness to champion the less forunate. They are my greatest acomplishment so far.
There is almost 9 years between my younger daughter and her brother. His father is a man I have known since I was a teenager and believed would be my life partner, and the pregnancy was planned. Again however when life throws a parent a curveball they do what they believe is right for all their children, not just one. We had some incredible trauma in our family which we could not get through as a family unit, in the long run my children needed me strong for them more than he did. By mutual decision we decided to end our relationship. I don't believe this makes my decision making process a poor one when it comes to relationships. I've learned from each experience, and value all my children.
Much like Limestone I believe each of them has a right to make their own decisions involving their non-custodial parent and encourage their relationships in ways I believe are beneficial to fostering the best relationships they can. In fact there seems to be far less Drama in my life with 3 kids /3 different fathers than in many where all the kids have the same parents.
So in my long verbose way I think I'm saying it comes down to comfort level. I believe it's more important to see how someone parents their children, and what the relationship in regards to the other parent/s is like, rather than the math behind who is who. Would I date a man with 3 kids 3 different Mom's, absolutely. As long as he was making a genuine effort to be part of all their lives, and that he seemed to understand they come first not his issues with their other parent. I'd rather that kind of man, than the one who had 3 kids 1 mom and made no effort, or belittled and bad mouthed the mother to/infront of his kids.
Just my 5 cents. Cheers... | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:38:20 AM | I would have to hear it out and listen to the story before I made a decision, sometimes things aren't what they seem and often we overlook someone just because the cover of the book isn't so pretty and the description isn't what we would like to hear :)
I have 5 kids by 2 different dads the first 4 are by 1 and the last is by someone else.
As with everyone different reasons for not being with either of them. | |
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| 3 different dads/moms?
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:23:38 PM | | I woulds run from someone with 3 kids from 3 differant people..too complicated and too much of a liability. Why could they not make it work with at least one of the partners? Kids with 2 differant partners..maybe..3 partners 3 kids..no way | |
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