|
|
|
|
|
| Why do mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:36:21 PM | I keep hearing and reading about this "take it slow" theory on relationships. While I think it is most appropriate and necessary for the young (under 25) to follow this idea I find it really has little bearing on the relationship between mature adults.
My ex husband and I were married after a few years of dating and a year of engagement. All that time spent getting to know each other, learning about likes and dislikes and yet in the end I cannot say it was a meaningful relationship for both of us. I may have wanted it to be but it never evolved into a 1 + 1 = more than 2
For me, and I can only speak for myself, I have found that I have reached a point in my life where I know who I am, where I have been, and what I desire in a romantic relationship. I decided a long time ago that "IF" (BIG IF) and when I find the person who makes my heart melt, my skin get goose bumps and my mind reels from his insight that I would express my interest in a very real way. So I find someone on here who just by reading what he has to say I start feeling some of those things.... a few weeks of phone calls, emails, etc. and we meet. It was as if I have been walking towards him my whole life. Being with him in every way feels completely natural and I know he is "the one" I have been searching for.
Now it starts...the friends who mean well, the family members who care, the analytical part of my brain tells me "take it slow" but we both admit we cannot do so. It is far too intense, far to meaningful to deny what is and will be between us. I try to explain this to my family...they actually get it because after all they truly love me and have gained an appreciation for my "never give up" attitude. My friend’s well they still seem to think that "taking it slow" will offer us a more meaningful relationship in the long term. Okay, I hear what they say. I truly think they have my best interests at heart. Yet, not one of them has been successful in a long-term relationship. Not one of them is living with "hope" as their guiding light.
My love and I have decided to continue moving forward for we can do little else but be true to our own feelings and sense of what is "right" for us. We know that there will be those who cannot understand why we choose to move so quickly. But what so many don't understand is "how can we not?” How can you bring a speeding train to a halt...how can you douse a fire that you did not create? The only way to slow us down would be to deny the feelings each of us have for each other and I think that would be a far greater injustice to ourselves and the act of providence that brought us together.
So please help me to understand why so many mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship? | |
|
| |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:45:24 PM | That's a very good question.
Personally my response to someone telling me to take it slow is "what in the hell are you waiting for?"
I'm not saying do something that you are uncomfortable with, but if you want to take it slow for the sake of "taking it slow" you are just playing the "taking it slow" game.
My gf and I got really serious after dating for 1 week. 4 months later, we are still pretty serious. Neither one of us regret getting serious, and had we not gotten serious, we probably would have ended up seeing other people.... so why take it slow? Either you want someone, or you don't. | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:47:02 PM | I can only speak for myself but when I met someone... there was no urgency... no rush... as I was a well adjusted person single....
my aim was to be sure the person I met was who and what they claimed...
taking it slow to me meant...
just getting to know that person ( after background checks of course) as to if we were actually compatible as opposed to just liking each other.
I was in no hurry...
figured if he was the right one for me.... he would be the right one a year from then... and after a little over a year we married. | |
|
| |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:49:09 PM | Hmmm.... Well when it comes to "falling" in love, I've yet to learn how to fall slowly.
I fall hard and fast and don't regret loving a single one of the men that I have, nor the speed with which I realized that I did.
Life's too short. When you realize there might be something amazing there, it must be explored at whatever speed the two involved are comfortable with.
It's not about anyone else, it's about you. You've got one life to live so live it your way.
And good luck :) I envy you! | |
|
eazk
|
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:50:40 PM | Because they're afraid of the energy it takes and it gives to have real, emotional intensity. What's wrong with pursuing what your heart craves ? ! 
I think there are just a lot of broken people that haven't done the necessary work-at-home-on-themselves and they somehow figure that taking it slow gives them a chance to work on what's broken while trying to become something for someone else.
 | |
|
| |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:52:26 PM | How can you bring a speeding train to a halt...
Doesn't that usually end in a train wreck?
Never the less... No one is your keeper... Do what you want. If it turns out to be a lasting relationship all for the better, if not, learn from it and go on.
If I listened to half the stupid crap people tell me, all opinions I might add I'd probably be stuck with someone I couldn't stand. | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:52:31 PM | Isn't "slow" a relative term? One person's slow might be another person's too fast.
I suspect that people who say "take it slow" actually mean "take it at a speed that I would feel comfortable with". Because mostly we all speak from our own experiences, and try to to give others the "benefit" of our own learning.
Ultimately, you have to be honest with yourself. If it feels right to you, then it is the right speed. If YOU feel it needs to be slower, then that's your call, and hopefully the other person in the equation will respect it. But I really believe that outside of the two people involved... it ain't nobody else's business! | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:13:58 PM | GREAT FRIGGIN QUESTION!!!!!!!!!
Heres the deal. People who take it slow do so because, sniff, sniff, they haven't been able to get over the hurt from a past relationship and want not to revisit the same mistakes or attraction. They don't yet trust themselves. Boo friggin Hoo. (Actually they are right not to until they have figured out what caused the fatal attraction in the first place). The fact is honey, given the fact that you obviously got your act together, your decision to go for it, is on the money. You are a mature adult. You are whole and complete.....for the most part. Most adults do not rise to your level of maturity. They have their guards up. You are fearless but enlightened by pat relationship rather than jaded by it as many are. I believe I have met such a woman as you and you are a rare breed. Others are not yet at this place in their lives, and therefore cannot comprehend the validity of the idea of throwing caution to the wind when everything feels right. This is only because, they they themselves do not yet feel fully whole, and therefore do not fully trust themselves to be able to make the right decision.
In post script, I must say that anyone who votes to end this thread for whatever reason has their heads up their.....................fill in the blank. This is an extremely important question and issue for personal development and relationship so do yourselves a favour, read it, think about it, learn from it, and grow from it. | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:20:06 PM |
For me, and I can only speak for myself, I have found that I have reached a point in my life where I know who I am, where I have been, and what I desire in a romantic relationship. I decided a long time ago that "IF" (BIG IF) and when I find the person who makes my heart melt, my skin get goose bumps and my mind reels from his insight that I would express my interest in a very real way
I think that those who want to take it slow, haven't reached your level of self knowledge, and "taking it slow" is in deference to avoiding their fears. We all have fears and hopes, if the fears are left unexamined, and we try to assuage them by avoiding them, the avoidance itself is a bar to understanding. Without that, it's hard to know what you really hope for, what you want in life. So, an unexamined life, leaves one wracked by fear, with only vague hope about relationships. Taking it slow, is an indicator, sometimes, of being wracked by issues and fears, and having lost all connection with hope as real for you.
The relationship that we hope to find, is hard to believe in, as life goes on, but it is in hanging onto that hope, that we are available, if the "right one" actually does come along. It is in that hope, that we have a choice whether to listen to fear, or leap towards life being more than "getting through the day" one day leading into the next, emotionally alone in the deepest part of us.
For me, I am discovering the joys of oneness, or that 1 +1 can be so much more than 2, and that a part of me, that I didn't even know was really there, has come alive with joy, joy in just knowing that she exists, that she cares, and that neither of us has to dream alone, nor carry all of life's burdens on our individual shoulders. I know, for me, that I am learning, with each passing day, the joy of loving someone so much, that she's in my thoughts about everything, and every thought of her brings a smile to my face. So, why would I want to greet her with hesitation and fear by "taking it slow"? | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:38:55 PM |
So please help me to understand why so many mature adults think "taking it slow" lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Well lets see...the obvious is that taking it slow allows for getting to know someone better. By getting to know someone well you have a better chance of building a deeper relationship. Isn't this common sense?
And... lets face it...the ability to be in a "deep" relationship is dependent on the people involved. It takes vulnerability to truly be close to someone, no walls no barriers. How many people can really say they've experienced this? From looking at these forums it makes me wonder... | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:46:06 PM |
It takes vulnerability to truly be close to someone, no walls no barriers. How many people can really say they've experienced this? From looking at these forums it makes me wonder...
That's a two way street you know? Some people fall in love in hours or days, some take years...
From my past experiences how long it takes doesn't really matter as long as you can build on that and don't let yourself become distracted by outsiders giving you advice.
Being open and honest with each other and sharing all that you have (emotionally at the least) is what builds a lasting relationship... Not waisting time being coy... | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:48:38 PM |
taking it slow allows for getting to know someone better. By getting to know someone well you have a better chance of building a deeper relationship. Isn't this common sense?
I don't know that it's "common sense", if you think about it. Which way do you get to know someone, really know her? By months of going on formal dates, and then going home, or by being immersed in each other's day to day lives all day, and all night, with kids and phone calls and daily interruptions, as life goes on? Then, when the weekends are over, finding out how much you miss being part of her real life, as it really happens?
the ability to be in a "deep" relationship is dependent on the people involved. It takes vulnerability to truly be close to someone, no walls no barriers. How many people can really say they've experienced this? From looking at these forums it makes me wonder
The forums are interesting, and a nice outlet to express, and read, opinions. They are not, however, reflective of real life, or the general population. You're right, if you haven't gotten past your pain from previous relationships, and arrived at a point of self-knowledge, and having made the choice that the OP has, to be "open" if the right relationship came along, then you aren't "ready". Being "ready" presupposes a centered sense of self, and having arrived at reasonable expectations of another human being in a relationship. Not everyone is "there", but those who are "ready" and "open", and know real love is, when they feel it, her question of "why take it slow?" seems to make a lot of soul sense to me. | |
|
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 9:54:15 PM | | I am mature and had a very happy marriage, and this is why I think taking it slow is a good idea. It enables you to see the difference between a knee-shaking, heart-pounding, head-in-the-clouds infatuation and a love that will last through thick and thin. It enables you to see how a person behaves in many different situations. It gives you time to decide if you can live with roof-rattling snoring, frivilous spending habits, or find-the-room-air freshner flatulation. It gives you time to see how interfering your Mother-In-Law might be, or how many high he jumps when the ex or kids say "frog". There are just a million and one little things that only time can tell. | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:17:39 PM | i met my bf online, on the 5th day we met he asked me to be his girl. i thought it was hilarious so i said yes. we were great until the 6th month, something came up, the thing with is, even if i knew him as a "friend", i would have still fallen for him.
when this *thing* came up that totally shocked and had greatly hurt me. i would have never known this side of him unless i dated him, and the specific situation arised. it was one of those, if i was just *the friend*, or we weren't that serious yet, it wouldn't seem "as bad". it didn't make sense to me because the things that he was doing, it made me wonder how/why could he do such a thing being in our state/situation.
to me, it makes sense to take things slow because it gives you an idea of the person's character, though, at the same time, you can never fully grasp who they are unless you just take the plunge and be with them. cuz it's a whole new ball game when you're actually together. | |
|
| |
| Why do mature adults think taking it slow lends itself to a deeper/more meaningful relationship?
Posted: 8/20/2007 10:46:05 PM | Manspirit;
you disappoint the reader. Here you seem so judgmental about people who """"sniff sniff" haven't been able to get over a hurt from a past relationship"""....."""""because the may not "want to revisit the same mistakes again"""" 
Then you make a point that """"""Actually they are right not to until...."" 
Then you ignore the statement from J5Rush post:
''''My gf and I got really serious after dating for 1 week. 4 months later, we are still pretty serious. Neither one of us regret getting serious, and had we not gotten serious, we probably would have ended up seeing other people.... so why take it slow? Either you want someone, or you don't."""""
There is a big difference between ""really got serious"" and """after 4 months we are still pretty serious"""???? That is a very watered down level of interest and a red flag!
How can you state so many conflicting opinions and then tell this person (the OP?) that she is a "rare breed " -or that she is "fearless but enlightened? "" Or that "others cannot comprehend they validity of throwing caution to the wind""""Sheesh! 
Taking things slow may only mean a few weeks or a few months depending on the person. A committed relationship, no matter how much instant LOVE (lust) is there, deserves the time to get to know about each other's idiosyncrasy's, you know, the "little things" that are what end up ripping families apart, and putting kids through hell because their parents were to selfish to take time to think about future consequences of rushing into something serious?
No wonder people are confused enough to have to ask about the reason "older people are more inclined to take it slow." They have had the experience to teach them. But as with all strong headed people (men or women) each must do what they feel is right for them, because no two circumstances are the same. But if for no other reason than future consequences, please don't be derisive of those who do take it slow!! : 
OP: Only you can know if you have taken it slow enough for you. If you feel sure and feel ready, the decision is your alone, as are the consequences. Good luck with what ever you choose to do! I wish you both only the very best. 
just an "older person's" $.02 opinion.
 | |
|
|
| Page 1 of 20
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 |
|
Home
login 
