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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?      Home login  
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 lake78
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 1
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women? Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am too shy to start a conversation with a woman. The bad part is I don't think I am overly ugly. And I feel the only reason I am single at this point is because I can't meet anybody. Every so often when I am out I will see a woman looking at me or smiling. I know that doesn't always mean something but I'm just saying I get the occasional look. I don't have a horrible view of myself and I think that I would be a decent catch for someone. The problem is I would rather get into a car accident than talk to a woman. I mean I ride a motorcycle without a helmet...that's stupid and dangerous but I can't walk across a room and start a conversation. What do I do? : )
 EyeDye
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 2
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 7:39:23 PM
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?


THANK YOU!!! This is the easiest question I have answered all day!.......You don't! So change or be alone.

~~~oooOOOOoooOOOO Message too short, bite me OOOOoooOOOOooo~~~
 onceaduck
Joined: 12/26/2006
Msg: 3
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 7:50:25 PM
You have to force yourself sometimes. I'm a bit shy myself and I know it's difficult. Try meeting people through activities you get involved in. It's much easier to start conversations then, such as at a club or church function or through volunteering. What's the worst that could happen? Somebody will walk away that you wouldn't have met to begin with because you were too shy to start a conversation, so you haven't lost anything.
 wpg_chick_84
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 4
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:14:57 PM
Have to agree with onceaduck. Force yourself to talk to women. And not just women you are attracted to. When you go to Wal-mart, say hi to the little old greeter lady. When you're checking out, chit chat with the cashier about the weather or something upbeat that most people in your area would know about.

You might also want to try joining a public speaking group like toastmasters. They'll definitly help in terms of confidence. And seeing a therapist may help as well. I used to be very very shy until one of my teachers encouraged me to join the debate team. My first few debates were awful, the judges couldn't hear me at all because I talked so quietly and quickly because I wanted to get it over with. I couldn't maintain eye contact either, but eventually it got better and I became more confident and was able to talk to people.
 sasyecat
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 5
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:25:52 PM
Maybe start slow, smile back at thoughs that smile at you, or try smiling randomly at people at the store, thoughs less intimadating, married women or much much older women. Smile at all thoughs working there when you walk past them male or female, most cases they will smile back, if they like there jobs. Make small chit chat with clerks when checking out. Make a point to at every trip, but don't use it as an excuse to not shop, don't want you to starve.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 6
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:26:44 PM
Um, first put on a helmet.

Buck up, and man up. Don't concern yourself with rejection--you'll be rejected most of the time. Be pleasantly surprised when the woman responds positively. Have a positive attitude. Practice. If at first you don't succeed, try try again.
 Geneseo
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 7
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:56:32 PM
I have a similar problem, but it's not shyness. I used to be shy when I was a kid, but somehow it passed. I don't know how, but my self confidence just grew over the years, and I can talk to anyone.

However, my problem is, and this goes for general social situations, not just talking to "women," is that I absolutely hate small talk.
You know, "Hi, how are you?" "Wow, it's raining" "Your hair is on fire" blah blah blah.

Sorry, I just realized that I did not in anyway answer your question.

When it comes to getting over shyness, personally, I don't believe there is a ten step program, or anything like that.

Your best bet is baby steps.

As another poster suggested, just say hello to the Walmart greeter, and maybe ask how their day is going. (Poor Walmart greeters, all the shy people might be practicing on them now).

You might try walking up to a woman who you do not find attractive at all, and ask her some generalized question, such as "Would you know of a good mechanic in the area?," "Is there a place that serves a decent cup of coffee at this time of the day?,"
"Is there a book store around here?," "Do you think my socks match my undies?," or what ever. Just some general question that you might as any stranger, and see if you could start up a small, short, casual converastion.

Then real slow, work your way up to more attractive women, until you feel comfortable asking Liv Tyler herself if she wants to go back to your place to see your etchings.

If she says, yes, tell her I said "hi" and I really do have some etchings now. ;)
 Tori_LOVES_Ian
Joined: 8/5/2007
Msg: 8
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:56:36 PM
See one you like,trip her up,help her up,she'll be thankful,there ya have it.

Or,realize that saying hello will get you one of 2 responses,hello back or notihng.Either way bud,you'll survive.
 Ginger23
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 9
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:34:58 AM
Some people find that liquor helps loosen them up a bit. It worked for an old friend of mine.
 Boomshktharoom
Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 10
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:42:26 AM
Grow some balls and stop whining.
or
Grow some balls and stop whining.
 Poet102781
Joined: 8/22/2005
Msg: 11
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:31:53 AM
I had that problem....but how are you going to know if you dont try....so you get rejected....life is short, live it while you can.

Women love confidence, and by you talking to them...it shows initiative, you have the confidence in yourself...so project that.

AND GET SOME BALLS....lol...just kiddin.


I hate restrictions....why lord why cant I write a short note?
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tyheneia aq doejd sosdiejwd elo sedkeei9ejdldaaJEE..E WJSOIEJ
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:37:21 AM
Back in the days of hunters and gatherers men would see a woman they liked, moved closer to talk to her, then got clobbered by her tribe. So men learned to survive by being A more aggressive, or develop that fear of the approach. Your problem is very normal. Particularly when you are talking about a woman you find very attractive. So you need to A get used to approaching women, B get used to rejection, C be able to flow naturally.

So, for starters you need to approach all women. That is beautiful women, ugly women, grandma, sales clerk, ALL OF WOMEN. Why? When you don't approach, then the only time you do, you choke up. If you approach everybody, and have something to say, or ask, or bring into their lives, then removes the fear of approach from your live, but also it gets rid of stupid bar lines. Instead you come across as a guy who just want to say hello and notice you as a person. What happens then is that when you approach the woman that you like and usually choke up, thus turning on her radar and the walls go up. Suddenly you are talking to her, like you don't care, so suddenly she may have an interest in You, because you are not all over her, but just talking.

Now B. Get used to rejection. Face it, you could be the best looking guy in the world and you are still going to get rejection. So get used to it. If you see rejection as failure, you will always fail. But let's say you go into a mall, and say to yourself. I am going to get rejected by 10 women. That is my goal today. You go and you try. But since you know don't care about the rejection part, you discover that along the way you could have a good time, and make her have a good time too.

Flow naturally. Be yourself. Introduce yourself ask genuine questions. And don't go saying the same thing that she probably heard the last 10 guys say to her. "Hey good looking, can I buy you a drink." NOT!

So good luck
 happy_ant
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 13
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:51:28 AM
Easy peasy lemon squeezy
Simple forget about the goal and concentrate on the person., i.e don't go up to a woman thinking that you might score /pull/ tap off or whatever you want to call it. just see the person in front you.

for instant before you go over take a good look at what she's wearing how she's standing does she look relaxed, happy, bored etc, etc so that when you walk over to her you can strike up a converstation easier about what something she's wearing, they way she looks etc. For example If she's smiling say something like "you know you have a really nice smile, I bet your dentist hates you"

Be confident and keep it casual sincere and natural and she should see the humour. All women love a compliment as long as they think it's sincere. it shouldn't sound like a chat up line even though in essence it is one.
 joshuah28
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 14
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:52:46 AM
Why do you have to go out and meet women in person? Find people on PoF or one of the other many dating sites and you will get to talk to them via email first, then phone and finally meet in person. When you go meet in person and your that shy, plan a date around something your comfortable with or something your good at.
 jon_at_pof
Joined: 10/19/2006
Msg: 15
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 12:30:34 PM
You'd probably do better in group situations, but make sure they're group situations where there's interaction. If you take a class, an art class or cooking class is good. Maybe massage therapy?
 MetalTigerr
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 16
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 12:46:12 PM
I am too shy to start a conversation with a woman. The bad part is I don't think I am overly ugly


Thank goodness, that for women, unlike us men, it's not primarily about physical beauty. Chyks are just different. They respond more to ATTITUDE in a man than most other things. Then if you are homely (which you're not) they will find things about you that are attractive.

There are thousands of resources on the web that help guys like you (and me) overcome our shyness. Shyness truly sucks.

There are two funny books you should read. Take them with a grain of salt, but you will still get a laugh out of them.

The titles could me misleading. So as not to create a misunderstanding here, send me a private mail and I'll give you their names. I also have some other resources you might be interested in.
 leggomyeggo
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 17
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 8/22/2007 12:50:24 PM
Yes , you have to take baby steps.

BUT...don't say " IT was suggested I get over my shyness by talking to ugly women , so that's why I'm talking to YOU "...

 35yoVgn
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 18
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 10:11:18 AM

You don't! So change or be alone.


Don't concern yourself with rejection


Grow some balls and stop whining.


A get used to approaching women, B get used to rejection, C be able to flow naturally.


Be confident

There you have it, Lake78 – a fine selection of deep, insightful, helpful advice….NOT!! I hope you realize that’s what you get for asking a serious, complicated question on a general forum where 99% of guys have absolutely no idea what you’re going through. They can’t relate at all to the painful anxiety you feel when you try to approach someone you’re attracted to, so they will naturally give you some quick off-the-cuff (though well-intentioned) suggestions which would most definitely work for them but not for you. C’mon guys, that’s like telling a stuttering person to get a grip on it, control his speech, and next time just try not to stutter! Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

Well, what Lake78 described seems like a very specific form of social anxiety condition called “love shyness” (look it up on Wikipedia for more details). About 1% of men have it (including myself), and it makes approaching a woman you find attractive next to impossible due to severe anxiety that is triggered at the subconcious, emotional level. Because of its subconcious nature, it’s usually NOT directly controllable by your rational, conscious self, so you CAN’T just order yourself to “grow some balls” or “don’t concern yourself with rejection.”

Having said that, I hope Lake78 did not mean he was “too shy to TALK to women,” which would indeed be a bigger problem, but rather that he was too shy to APPROACH women he did not know and START a conversation. In that case, the best advice was given by Joshuah28 – instead of approaching women in person, use online personals to get to know a woman first. Then, once you meet in person, she will no longer be a stranger and you’ll hopefully be more relaxed to take it from there. Good luck!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 11:15:27 AM

Well, what Lake78 described seems like a very specific form of social anxiety condition called “love shyness” (look it up on Wikipedia for more details). About 1% of men have it (including myself), and it makes approaching a woman you find attractive next to impossible due to severe anxiety that is triggered at the subconcious, emotional level.


Dude, now that you found a medical description to a problem that actually happens to A LOT of men, you have your great excuse to do NOTHING. How sad. It's up there with ADD and so many other things that we like to find a quick answer because we do not want to put the work that will solve the problem. Now let me give you an example, I am Dyslexic, been all my life, there's nothing I can to change that. So, do I go through life interposing numbers, letter, not being able to differentiate between left and right, vertical and horizontal, in and on? No. I find ways around it. First of all spell check everything. And then take each little element that affect that aspect of your life and find a way to overcome.

For instance in our case, you say that approaching a woman that you find ATTRACTIVE is next to impossible. First of all that happens to many many guys, second, remove the fact that is is attractive, or that you want to date her, or that she will reject you, and you will begin to have a better chance. Visualize in your head her having bad breath, very shy and kind of ugly. Then go talk to her. Make it your goal to maintain conversation for 5 minutes, then bail out. Could you do that? Yes you can. And at first it's going to be so difficult that you would rather get electric shocks that do that. So start by asking her a question. Observe, then go, Excuse me, your belt, is that something you got at the mall or some specialty boutique? Then take it from there.
 Celtic Blue
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 20
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:17:03 PM
A lot of guys think the same and it is harder to talk on a night out as a lot of girls are only looking to dance. You just got to go for it and hope for the best. Maybe I should try that as well? lol
 2mass
Joined: 4/26/2007
Msg: 21
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:28:29 PM
look celtic blue, arrange 2 meet the chick in sum bar, get there an hour early and drink as much vodka as u can, then when she arrives jus talk shit 2 her, this tactic works 4 me even when i`m sober, and if u drink 2 much and feel sick, jus throw up all over her top then she gotta remove that 2, result!!! every 1s a winner, be lucky!!
 ffryan
Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 22
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:40:21 PM
Don't go looking for dates, just look for people that you have things in common with. Strike up conversations. Force yourself if you have to. Be polite and always be yourself. People get nervous when they try and impress others, so dont try. Just be yourself and anybody who doesn't like you can just wish the best for and move on.
 Liberal411
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 23
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:53:12 PM
Shyness is a debilitating condition for many men. It prevents them from functioning in social situations, from voicing their real concerns, and most sadly, from approaching the woman of their dreams. The truth is my friend, that many shy men are exactly the kind of guys women look for. But since they're too timid, women get left with the swaggering jerks they always complain about but seem to date exclusively. If shyness has kept you from getting that special lady, let me see if I can help you can overcome it.

First thing you should do is practice for a friend. A big factor in shyness is the fear of rejection. You can eliminate this factor by approaching and picking up a woman for your friend or your brother. The reason being, your ego isn't at stake, and you'll be less inhibited in your approach. After a few times, you'll see it's no big deal and will want to pick up for yourself next time.

Remember to take baby steps, you have to walk before you can run. Just treat dating like a 12 step program. Start with a smile; show everyone you're friendly and approachable. On some days, move up to saying "hi." A few days after that, engage in small talk. Keep going as you gradually open yourself up to people and see it's not as hard as you thought. If you make a blunder, forget about it. Most people are more forgiving than you think.

Now if beautiful women intimidate you, you should also take baby steps up the beauty scale. Start by approaching more average looking women you feel confident with. As you become at ease with them, move on to prettier women, and so on.

Next rule is very improtant. Please don't sexualize women so much. When you talk to a woman, don't view her as a sexual trophy, but as a person like yourself. Keeping things purely sexual will get in the way of your approach. And women can sense when a guy is just after sex.

This rule is another very important rule for the Mr.Nice Guy/Friends dude. Don't put women on a pedestal. Like the point above, you must not attach any special significance to the woman you talk to. If you act like she's too good for you, she'll likely start thinking that as well. See her as a human being with all the flaws and qualities of the average person. Talking one on one is much nicer than talking down to or up to another person.

Also when you talk to a woman, don't expect an end goal. Feel me? Jjust go with the flow. You'll be amazed at how much easier things get when you don't think you have to accomplish something by the end. If you keep your cool, the rewards will present themselves naturally.

Another good thing to remember and that goes for the next few rules. Don't take things so damn personal. If you want to succeed in the game of romance, you can't take every comment, insinuation or joke that a woman might throw your way as a personal affront. People sometimes say things they don't mean. You'll have nothing to be self conscious about if nothing bothers you. However, sometimes people do make inappropriate comments, in which case, you should definitely stand up for yourself.

Simply learn to listen. Don't do all the damn talking. Let women yak about themselves for a while, which is something they all love to do. Ask open ended questions and just sit back and listen. If the conversation lulls, have new conversation topics ready. And to ease the burden of initiating something, have a few icebreakers handy to get the ball rolling.

Now this is a BIG aspect to remember......Don't fear rejection!!! Look boxers go in the ring knowing there's a chance they'll lose. Similarly, you can't expect to succeed every time. Nothing is 100%, so view every encounter with a woman as a positive learning experience. The trick here is to not be self-conscious. Shyness and hesitation occur when you think about your flaws. Instead, focus your thoughts entirely on the woman you're talking to. You'll forget about your jitters and she'll be flattered by the attention.

My last bit of advice for you is to get out of the house and socialize. Join activities in which you're always interacting with people, such as the gym, exercise classes, church, a college society, or a hobby club. In these milieus, you must always socialize, and after a while, you'll get comfortable with it. Furthermore, you're practically guaranteed to meet interesting women. it starts with you.

In closing let me say this, when you leave your shyness behind, which will take time and persistence, you'll see how much your life will change, as you'll begin to go after what you want with fewer fears. And here's a secret: should you enter a room and feel those familiar jitters, remember that most people you meet are too busy worrying about what others think about them to really notice and judge you. Now get your ass up, put your best outfit on, have a drink, loosen up, and charm away!!!
 loyal T
Joined: 8/10/2006
Msg: 24
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:02:19 PM
By the look of things here, the op is so shy that he has left pof & his own thread he started.
 greenfeather
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 25
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:06:53 PM
"The problem is I would rather get into a car accident than talk to a woman. I mean I ride a motorcycle without a helmet...that's stupid and dangerous but I can't walk across a room and start a conversation. What do I do? : )"

Rather get in a car wreck? Ride without a helmet? That's crazy!! How about this...when you see a woman, imagine she is a motorcycle.

Seriously though...I can't read your profile so I don't know if you have any hobbies, but it helps if you go somewhere that people share your interests & like what you do. If you get really good at something, you can use it as a social prop. Example, things like cooking, dancing (women LOVE guys who can dance. You don't even have to talk!!) playing music (I've used a guitar as a social prop for years!) Even something silly like "I can read palms". Just become an expert at something and be the 'life of the party." Good luck!

Offer a woman a ride on your cycle, but for Gods sake give her a helmet.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?