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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?      Home login  
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 jaycell
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 1
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Met a wonderful woman recently, we hit it off instantly, just clicked so easily, scarily easily you might say!
So we went on for a couple of weeks, nothing too heavy or intrusive, just two adults realising they were finding themselves greatly compatible.
After the two weeks we spent a weekend on holiday together, had a ball, all could not be better! We returned to our home town on a pair of clouds nine!
Suddenly all went awry! She became abusive, throwing childish accusations at me and slamming down the phone each time I tried to respond, block me from messaging her(not that i was trying), yet kept texting me and phoning, keeping the contact up yet blowing me out each time! Initially it left me scunnered, bereft. Then It hit me...
This lovely, sensitive and beautiful woman was fairly recently back into the dating game after a long absence, during that absence she'd built a cage of steel around her emotions, determined not to let anyone in. In the two weeks we rapidly became close, she had unwittingly let me pass through those barriers. Once she had returned to her stressful working life and reality bit, she'd turned to see me standing within the confines of her emotional cage and took fright... So she turned on me, ejected me from the space, pushed me away as fast and as violently as possible.
I have stepped back from this woman, initially fearing her sanity was compromised, but now I realise she harbours deep insecurities and the idea she might have to rely on another human being scares her witless.
So the question my friends is this... Do I forget about this woman, or do I give it a little time then persevere, gently, back into her trust?
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 2
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How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 2:58:29 AM
Just back off....send her a few emails to see how she is doing?..you will be there if she needs you for anything and let it go...
 Drag0n6
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 3
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 3:20:00 AM
The quickest answer would be that you don't, but I guess you want a detailed answer so here it is. The woman you have feelings for isn't ready for a relationship with anyone at this moment. She is damaged goods persay, some women recooperate from this and can move on to have successful relationships. Then there are some women that never recooperate and harbour this for the remainder of their lives. Which ever category she falls into , it's clear it will take quite a while for her to recover if she truly ever does. Life is too short for you to wait on her to find out. Plus dealing with a woman like that is far to stressful and draining. Trust your better off cutting her off completely. If you really like this woman give it about 9months to a year then contact her to check her progress.
 echo*
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 4
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 3:37:43 AM
If this type of behavior is acceptable to you, go for it. To me, it just sounds crazy, immature, etc.
 PaulaByTheSea
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 5
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:05:51 AM
First, I think it's wonderful that you're willing to see through all that irrational behaviour and spot the insecurity behind it. That shows you're a sensitive and wise man and she would be stupid not to get her act together real soon. From what you write, it seems clear that she cares about you a lot. Wow, maybe she feels that her world has been turned upside down in a short time. She's swept off her feet, has nothing to hold on to and now she picks up the phone to have an occational go at you for bringing her to her knees. Besides, I think she's checking your stamina and how much it's going to take to turn you away. She's behaving like a child testing limits and, for the sake of your future relationship, I think it's important that you show that you ARE THERE FOR HER, but you're not willing to put up with her crap. Back off a bit, don't get involved with the drama she's creating and give her time to come to terms with her feelings. I bet she'll come around with a smile on her face in the end. Good luck to both of you.
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 6
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:13:11 AM
One could attempt to be politically correct and explain away this sort of behavior as "insecure" but truthfully someone does NOT act this way without something seriously wrong with her mental stability. I'm not saying she's "nuts" but she certainly has an impossible time understanding, accepting or dealing with someone who might exhibit some affection towards her.

She could also be unable to cut things off with you and is using this tactic hoping to chase you away instead of talking like a rational person. If you enjoy trying to "fix" someone or fancy yourself a white knight about to rescue a damsel in distress this chick is custom made for you----if not it's time you headed your steed in the complete opposite direction at a full hand gallop and never look back!

Best of luck!
 EyeDye
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 7
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:27:46 AM

How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?


Throw fruit at her and yell in jibberish!

Seriously though, it depends on how you feel about her. If you two really had a strong connection than maybe you shouldn't bail so quickly. Try communication.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 8
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How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:28:37 AM
Simply be assertive.

Every time that she "acts up", tell her calmly that you do not consider her behaviour to be acceptable for such a wonderful, capable woman, w/out getting upset or angry at her, and w/out expecting her to change. Keep repeating this message.

Eventually, it will sink in to her that no matter how many times she gets angry at you, you won't get abusive at her, but will reassure her that she is wonderful, and that this behaviour is out of order, and she will learn to accept herself and calm down.

Just what worked for me.
 Chris_kc
Joined: 8/5/2006
Msg: 9
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:33:06 AM
Run Like Hell!!!!!

This woman will make you miserable with on again/off again signals and other mixed behavior.

Don't bother trying to figure her out. Just grab your sanity and go!
 lilly67
Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 10
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:36:50 AM
Run....run, now. It is not up to you to rescue her and it doesn't sound like you want to so yay, go you. With time, she might figure it out on her own. There is no reason for you to allow anyone to pull these kinds of mind games. I've seen it too many times and have no patience for it any more. I think you're doing the right thing.
 glowinslowly
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 11
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:50:40 AM
I agree with PaulaByTheSea and scorpiomover. I am very closely living what you are describing, except, I am the insecure person. I've been hurt terribly in the past and while I'm not abusive nor have I pushed the person away, I have reacted with more insecurity and jealousy at times than I feel is acceptable. I am lucky. The man I love is being very understanding and patient with me.

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling to get myself under control and to level off. I'm constantly having to remind myself that what I'm feeling is a good thing and that not everyone is going to hurt me the way I have been hurt in the past. But that kind of pain stays with you and the fear it creates can be difficult to handle.

If you truly care for her and feel it's worth the effort, then in addition to the advice you've been given, I'd also say reassuring her that while you won't put up with that behavior, you don't plan on abandoning her and want more might also be helpful. Simple things like that can go such a long way to helping. I don't know that it's fair to you to have to put up with the things you mentioned for a very long time. But how long, is difficult to say. She sounds like she's worth investing at least some time in, though. And I can tell you this, the love and patience my man has showed me only makes me love and appreciate him more. He's going through a lot of effort to make me feel safe; it's something I'll never forget.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 12
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:53:22 AM

One could attempt to be politically correct and explain away this sort of behavior as "insecure" but truthfully someone does NOT act this way without something seriously wrong with her mental stability. I'm not saying she's "nuts" but she certainly has an impossible time understanding, accepting or dealing with someone who might exhibit some affection towards her.


I totally agree here. I don't find that kind of behaviour normal for somebody thats insecure. Being afraid to enter a relationship, is a big step. Especially after leaving one that wasn't healthy for you.
When you meet a kind, understanding person who eventually gains your trust, those walls eventually come down. Its not normal to react violently towards the one person who can make you feel loved again.
She will want to proceed with caution, but if its that good of a relationship, she wouldn't want to lose it . Sounds like there's more problems then just insecurity there......JMO
 flo11
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 13
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 4:54:46 AM
I wouldn't handle her at all. It is not your burden to bear. She has a problem, and if you allow her to treat you like this, you are going to be a victim. It is not healthy for you at all. Direct her to a celebrate recovery group if she is even willing to acknowledge her problem. I used to be insecure, but thru the group, I addressed my issues, and feel wonderful, confident, happy and everything else. It is for problems A-Z. Rick Warren (purpose filled live) is a co-founder of the group. Unfortunately, till she gets help, she will not be good for you. Please find someone else, and go on and be happy!!!!!! Hope this helps you :)
God Bless!
flo
 Diva64
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 14
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 5:12:35 AM
I have one question:

WHEN DID ACCEPTING RUDE, CHILDISH ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR FROM ANYONE BECOME OKAY WITH YOU?

THIS WOMAN, is not your problem......................you are!

I'm about to throw up reading people wax over how kind you are to want to perservere.......I find it sad as hell! Been there!

We train people on how to treat us.........I don't care what she has been through.............there is never an excuse for that kind of behavior and if you can't see that her reaction is seriously suspect then you really might want to seek a good therapist to find out why you would allow someone to treat you in this manner....................when did you become this needy......when did you get so desperate that you will did through so much rubbish to find happiness. Know your worth, I mean,,,,,reallly KNOW YOUR WORTH.........and you will not accept anything remotely this unhealthy in your life..............

This doesn't make her a bad person nor you for that matter..............just not ready for a healthy relationship..............and if your mission is to rescue...........then GO ON AND RESCUE...........but remember.............at the end of the day............when in 3 years you are still trying to prove your love..............YOU ASKED FOR THIS and BUSTED YOUR ASS TO GET IT..............so don't complain!

This person is NOT who you think she is............you have romantized this to be more than it is.............she showed you the TRUTH of who she is.........now it's up to you to BELIEVE HER!

Of course JW said it much nicer................he's far more patient than I and I would venture to say JW has known is worth for most of his life.............I on the other hand have been where you are and my heart hurts to watch people like this......... it literally screams out at me and so If I can SAY anything to SHAKE SOME SENSE INTO YOU...........I WILL!

Diva
 kikirod222
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 15
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 5:46:37 AM
That woman could be me as well. My fortress guard was sleeping one time and let somone slip in who shouldn't have. (That's the actual analogy I used with this person). I began pushing him away when there was a change in his role in our relationship (less attentive, etc.) In the end, he hadn't completely ended everything with his old lover yet.

So.. I ask... How have you changed? Whether you are seeing someone else or not, changes in your behavior that replicate changes in her past could be affecting her reaction to your actions.
 evalice
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 16
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How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 5:48:32 AM
Your question is, "How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?"
Answer is: A restraining order!
 Diva64
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 17
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:13:16 AM
kiki...........hmmmmm novel concept..............so what you are saying is........"he could be making her act this way...."................hmmmmmmm

take full responsibility for your actions. No one makes us do anything........we choose it!

"I have never been contained except that I built the prison.."
MW


if you can't "hear" me....then listen to TEE..(below), she's said it all!
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 18
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:18:10 AM
Sorry Kiki, I disagree...

No matter what you've been through, no matter what life has thrown at you, no matter how much crap you've had to endure......NOBODY has the right to be abusive to another person. Especially somebody thats been nothing but loving and caring towards you..If she didn't like something about him, then she should deal with it in an adult manner and let him know...

OP....I think she's given you a glance at her personality. Somehow ( I could be wrong here, but I don't think so) I doubt she would change if you did manage to begin a relationship with her...JMO
 Heathenesque
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 19
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:54:22 AM
OP, Diva has made a very valid point.

If the roles were reversed and a man was treating a woman the way you described, would you tell her to kick him to the curb? She might be insecure, but then, men who abuse women are insecure as well. That's what a bully is, after all.
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 20
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:01:09 AM
I don't know if what you describe as insecure is not something else. It sounds to me like she is emotionally immature ( or someone with emotional problems)... if I were you I would ask what meds she is on to rule out bipolar or something. You should proceed with caution
Even better, stay stepped back from her and let her go... you can find someone at least who is a fully functioniong grown up... can't you?
my vote: forget her.
 hoopdwalawala
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 21
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How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:01:43 AM
Wow. That's just not normal.
 extream flight
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 22
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:04:00 AM
give ya mate at the pub her number
 fishbill
Joined: 3/19/2005
Msg: 23
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:11:52 AM
""""After the two weeks we spent a weekend on holiday together, had a ball, all could not be better! We returned to our home town on a pair of clouds nine!
Suddenly all went awry! She became abusive, throwing childish accusations at me and slamming down the phone each time I tried to respond, block me from messaging her(not that i was trying), yet kept texting me and phoning, keeping the contact up yet blowing me out each time! Initially it left me scunnered, bereft."""

If you separate your post into different sections, a different message comes through...but that don't help.

Backing away is the least you can do, LET HER APOLOGIZE, go on a date or two, have a good time again....maybe bring up therapy in a couple weeks.

IS ANYTHING SHE ACCUSES YOU OF TRUE? But she does sound like a nutcase...my exwife does this, but its her ingrained behavior, its even her sense of humor. Unless I am kissing her ass, picking up boy when she wants, all paid up on childsupport, and agreeing with every word she says, its an hysterical fit from her....and thats when she is in a humorous mood and we are agreeing about stuff...you should see her if I say "I think you were mistaken about that".
 Hedda Lettuce
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 24
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 7:15:59 AM
Personally, I would not want to date anyone with a Dr. Jekyl---Mr. Hide personality.

A normal, rational thinking person wouldn't be going from one extreme to another without any reason.
Either parts of the story are missing, or you WERE dating a nut case.
 Lyndsay23_Wrexham
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 25
How do I handle a deeply insecure woman?
Posted: 8/22/2007 9:06:27 AM
It depends if you can put up with her always needing you to reassure her all the time. Needy women in my experience are always suspicious, nervous and worried! Not a good concoction if you want to feel like you are in a relationship and not just babysitting some emotionally vulnerable women!
In her defense she is probably only like this because of past experiences- in which case the best thing she could do is seek psychological help- a bit of counselling never hurt anybody.
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