| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 8:11:05 AM | | I figured out a few years ago that I have it. It puts people off, and I don't blame them for it. But I'm wondering now if it will help women understand me better if I put it on my profile, or it's just going to put women off, by being a pity statement. What do you think? | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 8:17:30 AM | | I guess it depends on the degree of it, or how it manifests itself. I'm not sure how to answer, it's kind of a difficult thing to know what is the proper path to take. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 8:39:12 AM | I would not put it in my profile but not because it's a "pity" statement. People with AS are only slightly different in their communication style and the way they react to emotionally charged situations. For the most part, unless you are *very* close to a person with AS, you may never notice. You may think they're a little quirky and that's not such a bad thing.
I say tell them after you feel they are getting close. The way you know this is they tell you. They want to spend time with you. Take people for their word and stop trying to read their mannerisms (a problem for people with AS).
Best wishes ~
PS My daughter with AS would simply tell people who were close, she's a bit quirky and has a hard time reading people's body language...she tended to be literal. They got it and it worked for her. They just figured her for "geeky." | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 8:50:32 AM | To CG5000:
In my case, it means that although I can read obvious signals, I can't read subtle signals. It's not easy for me to tell when a woman is just eliciting attention, or is genuinely interested in me.
It also means that it can take me hours, days, weeks or months to figure out what to do ro to say, so most of the time, I say and do the wrong things at the wrong time. However, people who know me and take what I do in context of my general behaviour, understand that all my intentions and actions are genuine, if a little scatty and emotional.
But that's long-time friends, not potential dates.
To aspiring_angel: I appreciate your comments, and can see where you are coming from.
However, I have discovered that there is a big difference between being "geeky" as a guy, and being "geeky" as a girl. Most men have made it abundantly clear that they are only worried about whether they find the woman attractive. "Geeky" or not "geeky" has nothing to do with it. Also, if she takes after you, then IMHO she is very attractive.
Women tend to evaluate more personal qualities, like how witty and confident he can appear amongst strangers.
I find it easy to get on with a woman when I am talking with her one-on-one, but find it very difficult to get on with people in a crowd. There are too many people to focus on, and I get confused. It does seem that nowadays, it is very difficult for me to get to talk to a woman one-on-one, in a relaxed setting.
But perhaps it is better left out of a profile. I don't know.
I only know that with people who are already happy to chat with me, they don't seem to care. It only becomes a problem with women & men who I've never talked to, before, for very long. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 9:08:01 AM | I think some of the medical diagnosis are made up... so medical practice has something to bill on.... I would say AS may be a type of what was once known as socially inept person.... but socially inept is not covered by most insurance and medicare... so they thought to make it into a syndrome... and give it a name.
put it in your profile? I'd say yes if it is severe... | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 9:33:32 AM | My doctor when he divorced self diagnosed himself to be:
desired by all women... which got him into a few lawsuits.. medical board had notice of this and now he has retired and bought a ranch. From what I can tell... he lives there with his new future ex wife who is 22 ( he is 50)... he breeds some type of horse, not sure what type, but it is a specialty horse...
most likey a stud ( hahaha) horse....
too bad he was so handsome... it ended his medical practice and future as a doctor.
Scorpio, from what I can tell lots of people have AS.... many after a divorce... not to worry.... not like having liver cancer/ hepatitis and cirrosis and on your deathbed looking. you know. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 9:52:22 AM | It'd be nice to know, as I've read a lot of your posts and thought you were just an insensitive lout sometimes; that would explain it, and then I wouldn't have thought you were just mean.
I'm just saying.
Fry | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 10:30:53 AM | mlm, It's altogether different than a social disorder. The way the brain interprets things is different - period. In my daughter's case she takes *everything* literally. She doesn't always understand slang or common phrases (let the cat out of the bag et al) unless she has heard it before and it has been explained to her. To her it's a silly phrase with no connection to what it actually means. (slang).
Emotionally she doesn't get subtle affection and really has boundaries which must not be crossed. A simple pat on the shoulder (for reassurance) from a stranger would absolutely be a cause for concern to her. She wouldn't take it for a common gesture, she would think why is this person touching me and what did I do to provoke it? She looks to those around her for thier reaction to gauge her own.
As she gets older, it gets a bit easier because new situations don't come up as often and she can draw on her past experiences.
My daughter got a full scholarship (plus allowance) to one of the best Universities around to write and proof read Math Theory. She barely lasted the year in a co-ed dorm because it was simply too much for her brain to take in day after day. She was emotionally a wreck. The final straw? Though I had paid for a private room, they gave her a roommate. (not enough room for all the students) She could not deal with not having a place to be alone, and quit. So, here I have this extremely gifted daughter, who should be going very far professionally and scholastically, but cannot deal with a naked guy running down a hall or a roommate breathing down her neck.
So yeah, there is a huge difference between socially inept people and those with AS. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 10:48:04 AM | Scorpiomover, Thank you for the compliment and yes she is a lovely girl.
Her husband was a student she tutored at the University, so he had a great deal of respect for her. He thought she wasn't interested because she really didn't show it. The more he got to know her, the more he realised they had a lot in common and that she was definately the girl for him. Intellectually, she was his equal and they could discuss anything and everything. Around him, she could be witty / quirky, but he seemed to "get it" where others would take what she said as perhaps a bit off the wall (insensative, uncaring). ((I know you understand what I mean)).
While we were packing her things and moving her out of the dorm, I saw him at the end of the hall. He looked completely heart broken. I asked her who he was and she replied he was 'some guy' she had tutored. She told me that he liked the same things and for some reason was just always around. Such a nice guy. She had NO CLUE how badly he was hurting or that he was even interested.
As we were leaving, I gave him a plant and told him not to forget to water it. On the watering stick I had written her phone number. The rest, is history.
Perhaps you'll be as fortunate and meet someone who "gets it." | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 10:51:10 AM | My advice would have to be, yes, do state that in your profile. That way you will be more likely to atract only those women who either don't mind it, or even have it themselves.  | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:11:08 AM | I have to disagree. I would say don't put in your profile. I have AS myself and I decided to keep quiet about it. There's a lot of people out there who judge before they really get to know you. If they see something like that on your profile they might bypass you before even giving you a chance. After you get acquainted with them then you should reveal it.
People with AS can seem like they lack confidence, which is a big turn off to women. The last thing you want them to think is that you lack confidence. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:15:17 AM | To Arugula:
Really? You diagnosed yourself? I tried to get diagnosed or at least tested, but doctors seem to be loath to do that.
That's despite the fact that I display all the classic traits: severe gullibility, tendency to take things literally, an inability to read social cues, extremely high sense of concentration, incredible imagination, difficulties in expressing myself, extremely emotionally sensitive, high intuition, ability to think abstractedly, extreme lack of eye contact, the list goes on and on.
In fact, I was tested for Autism at age 9, because I didn't talk in school, but I passed the test, because I'm high-functioning. I used to think of myself as semi-autistic, because I displayed a lot of traits that were similar, before I heard of Aspergers.
There is a program, called "My Family and Autism", originally broadcast on BBC TWO on Wednesday 30 July 2003, about Luke Jackson, who comes from a family where all of the boys are either Autistic or have Aspergers or AD/HD. (See http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/tvradio/autism/)
I was watching the programme, and was amazed, because one of the boys, who has Aspergers, was being convinced by his older sister to do her homework, and her friends' homework. He was just trying to be friendly and helpful, and didn't realise that his sister was making money out of him. Their mother kicked off and told her to stop taking advantage of her little brother.
This struck a chord with me, because when I was 9, I was doing my older brothers Physics homework, who was 12 at the time. It was easy for me.
So, although I've not had a clinical diagnosis, I'm fairly sure that I have it, yes. But I rarely get diagnosed for something that I don't know first. Not my choice, I've had ailments that I couldn't diagnose, but the doctor just tried to get rid of me most times.
To mlm_mlm_mlm:
Scorpio, from what I can tell lots of people have AS.... many after a divorce... not to worry.... not like having liver cancer/ hepatitis and cirrosis and on your deathbed looking. you know. From what I've read, that sounds like depression. Something like 1 in 4 men have suicidal thoughts after a divorce. Aspergers, for me, is more like being locked inside your own head. I was in a shell until I was about 35. I'm only finally beginning to understand my own hormones and desires. Since I was 5, my own family used to call me an "absent-minded professor". The number of times I got lost as a child is astounding. I wasn't allowed to cross the road w/out an escort till I was 8, because I just wasn't aware of the cars.
To Fry_lock:
It'd be nice to know, as I've read a lot of your posts and thought you were just an insensitive lout sometimes; that would explain it, and then I wouldn't have thought you were just mean. I find it hard to express myself in a post, unless I am very, very clam. Almost comatose. Any level of feeling whatsoever, and it carries through, because I feel things very, very strongly.
Now, that you've said it, you've made me think, Fry. I know that I harp on and on, until I think someone gets it. It could well be that I can't tell if someone sees my point of view, unless I hammer it so hard that they would scream that they've got it. I am working on developing my social skills, but I've found that it's easier than working for 16 hours straight seven days a week for 10 years straight. Most of the time, simple chit-chat makes my brain hurt, and gives me a headache.
But very little I write is meant to be hurtful. Mostly, I'm just trying to get a point across, so people listen and don't make the same mistakes that I've made, or seen others make time and again, and lost a lot as a result. Just want to see everyone happy, is all.
In real life, if I act shy, and I don't say a lot, people think I'm hostile. If I open my mouth, then they think I'm a doofus.
Maybe I should put it in, just for the forums.
To aspiring_angel:Thanks. And that's a really inspiring story. I hope some "gets it" too. Women usually need a 2-by-4 to get my attention. That's why nearly everyone I've been out with has ended up asking me out.
To Dreamingsinger:Thanks. And good point. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:30:08 AM | It is a physician's name. I believe he was the first to diagnose the difference between AS and high functioning Autism et. al.
It is said that "Rainman" had a form of AS for those of you who were interested. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 11:34:47 AM | | ^^^ It's a mild form of autism named named after Hans Asperger, the Austrian pediatrician. The symptoms include difficulty in understanding social behaviour and taking statements literally that aren't meant to be. They also usually have one area of intense interest in which they are very intelligent. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 12:31:01 PM | I can't help but feel a new respect for your position, dispite the posts you have made in the past. My son also has some very mild signs of this as well. It's not a huge deal and it's not something you should define your existance by.
Don't put it in your profile. This is information that should be privileged information for those that wish to gain a deeper understanding of who you are. You should never lie about who you are or the things in your life that affect you, but this is the kind of thing that only those that care should be told. You are a smart guy, I think you probably know this to begin with, but it's always nice to hear it from someone else.
"perception is reality" | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 2:16:07 PM | I don't think you should include "Aspergers" because people either don't know what it means at all or will have a very fixed idea of what it means which doesn't match your experiences and would therefore be likely to get a false impression. However, you may find it helps if you explain the main ways in which it manifests when you start communicating with people. To start with it may be enough to say, "Please don't take it personally if I go off on a little rant: it won't be personal, I just find it hard to shut up when I care about a topic -- feel free to tell me to stop". As you interact more with them it becomes appropriate to warn them of other behaviours you have that they may find disconcerting.
Actually describing yourself as "socially inept" (personally, I have no issue with describing myself this way although I am not quite hopeless, just a bit quirky and awkward) may not be such a daft idea: "Socially inept but well-intentioned" -- how's that? | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 8/23/2007 4:03:14 PM | I wouldn't put it in my profile because then you become the "guy with AS" and when the chick is getting to know you she will probably be constantly looking for the signs of it and thinking about it. Let her get to know you first and then tell her once you're close. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
A lot of people are A*holes too. When you tell them something is wrong with you they constantly throw it back in your face (not necessarily in a mean way, but a naive way) and they use it as an excuse for all your behaviors. So annoying!!
One of my guy friend's I knew for like 6 six years b*tched me out because he stood real close to me one day (like I was sitting in a corner and he leaned over my shoulder real close to my face) and I got upset and told him to move. I told him that I don't like it and he was like telling me that I have to change or some bull. So, well he isn't my friend anymore- that not being the only reason of course. (this is just some random example i'm giving about people not understanding other people, its not an example of the comment from the middle or top paragraphs) | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 9/3/2007 6:41:08 PM | | I am part of this support group. I have trouble with answering questions. I think that satting disabilities is against the law because people tend to lie. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 9/3/2007 7:48:41 PM | HA! No offence, but I knew you sounded like I'd be unhappy with you. I was married to a guy with Asperger's... Interesting guy, not for me at all. I would never do it again. But no, I wouldn't put it in your profile. Just mention it when it becomes relevant. I have CAPD, but I don't bring it up until I'm having a CAPD-related problem and need someone to adapt their behaviour.
Good luck. :) | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 9/3/2007 8:14:26 PM | | do not put it in your profile... but bring it up early enough that the woman can understand where you are coming from. and best of luck with it. | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 9/3/2007 8:54:02 PM | | I suggest you don't put it in your profile simply because of the sheer availability of other men make it so easy to move on. | |
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AlexSB
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Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 24 | |
| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 9/3/2007 9:44:50 PM | I am a self diagnosed genius. Apparently women are put off my a man with to much ego. Haha. I think I might have Aspergers as well, cause I have no concept of emotions and yet I am very logical.  | |
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| Should I put Aspergers in my profile?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:02:28 AM | Ahh you gotta love the internet! What a great way for Aspergers to interact in the same way others are able to just by walking down the street!
I've also been pondering this question so it was great for me to read all the responses. The last thing I'd want is for someone to "pity" me as a previous poster said, but it would just be so good to meet someone that finally "got" me. If nothing else it would be a fabulous shorthand describing my personality which is typical of AS
Yeah I know there are worse things to have, and it does have advantages, but have to admit that given the choice I'd give anything not to have it and have the social skills of everyone else!
Unfortunately there isn't much education about Aspergers, although I understand the Welsh Assembly have been working alongside Autism Cymru to promote awarenesss recently. So how do you explain it to someone who has never heard of it? Well you say you're on the autistic spectrum. So straight away they're having alarm bells in the head ringing, "OMG She's autistic!" lol
Thank god for Einstein is all I can say, on many occasions I've felt that if I wasn't able to say that he's believed to have also had it, people would have continued to have looked at me like I'm mentally retarded!
So do you only mention it when it affects you as a previous poster said? Well that's every day, isn't it? At least if people had an understanding of you right from the outset then they'd be able to have an understanding that there's more to you than meets the eye and perhaps make allowances when you really don't want to go to that party where there's gonna be nobody there you know, etc
I'd be really interested to hear others experiences of dating with aspergers
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