| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 9:34:16 AM | | ok my promblom is my ex is dieing with cancer.hes in the 4th stage now.we have bene to geather since i was 16.we started dateing when i was 16.and got married when i was 18.we bene together ever since untill about a year and half a go.well we seprated some in betwenn those times but always went back to gether.he was acholic and he beat me.well any ways i thought i was over him.i didn,t even want to be around him or talk to him because of the way he treated me.but now that he has cancer i fill he needs some one to take cear of him.and i want to bring him in my home and take cear of him.but he still drinks and i know i couldn,t handle that.i know when he dies our girls r going to be hurt bad because thay love thare dad so much.we have 4 girls all grown but 1.i don,t know what i want any one to tell me.but i fill like i need advise. it is killing me in side.all i want to do is cry.i have had friends to tell me i should,t cear hes geting his pay back 4 doing me wrong.but i just can,t fill that way.its tearing me up in side bad | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:32:36 AM | Well, I can not tell you what to do no one can, All I do know is he has four grown children can they step in and help you out? If you decide to take this upon yourself?
I would say you should take up a night class and educate yourself a bit more, and do something worthwhile for you. Instead of taking this upon yourself.
A x husband is differnt than a mother or father. I feel like you may want to be there for him to show you can forgive him, But honestly what will you do with an x husband in your home and as you are here you can clearly see you are ready to move on.
You can help him, with him living at someone elses home. I do not agree with what your friends say as it is pay back. He got sick, and chances are he would die from the drinking at a young age any ways. So do not do it only because you feel sorry for him. Or for your girl.
You can forgive him from afar. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:48:39 AM | | ok ty i really aprecaite it.and he only has 3 grown girl,s.but no i don,t think thay can let tham live with tham or would.but hes living with his mother so i know she will help all she can and his oldest daughtur is trying to cheack on him and stuff.but ty a lot | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:52:31 AM | Forget what other people are telling you. You have to make a choice you will have to live with for the rest of your life. We are all God's children, despite our negatives. Things happen for a reason. You have to do what your heart and soul tell you. What you can "live with". Are your children living at home? If so, how will they take the drinking, and the deterioration of your ex's condition. Is there a "Snowline Hospice" or Hospice. They can help, and if you decide to bring him home, you will need help. My father, who I was not close to, died of cancer in 1999. My mother took care of him, and he was not a good father or a good husband, but I won't get into that.
We are all God's children, human beings. God teaches us forgivness. God teaches us love our enemies. God teaches us to be humble. Show your children that despite your ex's faults, as a husband, a father, a man, that we are all human beings and should be treated with dignity and respect and we should care for one another. It will be a valuable lesson for the children.
God speed. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:54:41 AM | My wife died of cancer less than a year ago, but she was and is my love so the situations are different.
I would have to say in agreement that you should not take him into your home. It is not your fault he has cancer (I told you I've been there) and taking an abusive alcoholic into your home will help no one and you have no guilt, except self-imposed, for which to atone. The other thing you have to consider is the level of care he will need and whether you are prepared to give it. I was in my wife's hospital room for her last 37 days and I suggest that you are not. No matter what he once meant to you.
For your own good, mentally and physically, make other arrangements. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 10:55:24 AM | | Try to get him some home hospice health care set up. Call a local hospital and see if that can be arranged. His drinking will not help that problem, but don't let your children have to see their dad this way and being a caregiver can be draining on you. Take care of the children and think of yourself in this matter as well. The home hospice care center knows how to handle this , they were good when my uncle went through his last days with bone cancer and my aunt took care of him at home then. His only concern with the morphine he was given for pain then was when we visited once and my dad said we were going in the next room and he replied he didn't have any pants on as he lay in the bed with the covers on. The pain relief worked. He just laid there. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:01:06 AM | | hiya, all i can is if you decide to care for him then you are a dying breed of woman that i can only have nothing but the utmost respect for, but he needs to knock the drinking on the head before you consider looking after him and realise how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life willing to care for him after all he has put you through | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:03:45 AM | Boy,that's a tough situation.If he's still drinking while trying to beat this that's a major red flag for you.Drinking during chemo is almost a garanteed action that maybe he really does'nt want to live any more.My mom and I went through almost the exact same thing. But for your sake and sanity get a hold 0f your nearest hospice service. Because you definiately don't want to feel like this is your Fault and it's not. Some people get cancer and their first reaction is to fight it,mentally,physically,however they can. It does'nt sound like this is your case.Maybe he wants to be around familar faces who knows?but as long as he's still drinking while trying to recover........
Good luck to you and your family and him,I would'nt wish cancer on any body.
I also agree with the previous author, you do have choice in how involved you want to be. As for the darkness he caused in your past...Don't do it as pay back theres something very wrong with that.Every thing comes around! | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:06:13 AM | | there is times that you have to forget about what other people say and do what you think is best and whats in your heart.learn to for give and forget | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:06:38 AM | | Ummm it looks like you have a kid [seeing your picture] if you do have young children at your house I would advise against this. Even if he is dying, you say he was abusive and treated you horribley and I would NOT want my children around that and neither should you. If he's reformed himself that would be a different story, but things were obviously bad enough that you and him parted ways, I personally wouldn't want my children around that. If I'm mistaken and your children are grown, than what you do is your decision, but if you have kids at home, think of them. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:10:59 AM | Cindy,
You can be there for your ex with love and support, without having him, his abuse and his alcohol in your home. He is your ex and the father of your children, be there for him during this difficult time in all your lives, he needs it and your children will love you even more for it. Helping him out does not mean going back to the way things once were, it just means you are human and can forgive and help out when he needs it most, and be a better person than he was... Let him go home and talk to GOD about the things he did before he was ill. Your job is to care for him until God takes him home, and you can do dthat very well from a safe distance. Good luck. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:22:39 AM | Dear Cindy,
Im moved to offer my words of encouragement as I truly feel for your situation. As some have posted, they have dealt directly with this issue and I have not. But advise is only as good as the person giving it. Remember that much. What no one has directly said to you is that in all things we must take it to the Lord in prayer. Its not as easy as you might think because in order to hear you have to know the sound of the voice talking to you. The Holy Spirit is a comforter that Jesus Christ promised man kind upon his assention into Heaven for if He had not died for our sins He would not have been able to send Him.
Only God knows what is in a Man's (or Woman's) heart. If you truly want the answer you must first recond yourself to God and ask for guidance and forgiveness. This will enable you to be filled with the Holy Spirit in order to hear God's message, purpose and instructions for you and your family. When you hear the voice you will know it is His as he said, 'the sheep know the shepards voice'. Have faith that an answer will be given as faith alone and the believe in His son Jesus is what is needed to know God in all His wisdom.
In addition, you should find 4 people without reproach that are Godly and have full knowledge of the of what you are asking them but to pray for you as they too take on your burdens.
There are many choices you could make and they will all come with their own consequences but by listening to the one True Voice, you will have your answer not only to this question but for many more to come. I will be counted as one of the 4 for you and your family but my prayer will be for peace of heart and for clear understanding of God's Will for you in this time. And I know that it will require strenght, patience and understanding which is never easy for any of us without God's help. If you have any doubt you need to search yourself now because to willingly carry the Cross is a burden in and of itself but through God's love and the redeaming grace of His son Jesus....if you had faith of that of a tiny mustard seed you can move mountains.
God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers.
Paul | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:41:03 AM | | you sweet caring compasstionate woman, if every one was like you the world would be alot better off, I too have experienced the same situation, only I gave up on him and he died 13 months after we split and I was crushed, and still have a hard time dealing with him being gone, and his boys also, I feel guilty sometimes thinking maybe if I had taken care of him he would have gotten better and would still be around, you do what your heart tells you too and you will be doing the right thing,,, also remember to take care of you first, and if there is any time left over for him ? then give it to him, but make sure you are first, or you will feel no glory in the sacrifices you make for this man, only remorse ... good luck and god bless, remember you have to be first .... he's a lucky man | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:55:16 AM | My god i feel for you, My ex just passed away this june 26th of cancer(Lymphoma) and even though we were separated it was really painful to see her suffer and go through so much at the hospital, we separated in large part because of her aggressive behavior , i got sick of t and left. well i don't have hard feeling and i forgave her a long time ago, during her hospital stay in her last days, she said she was sorry and she told me that i was the best man she had ever met and that i was an angel too her and too take care of her daughter, i cried my eyes off and still do. now imagine i had all these resentful feelings towards her and would of found out that she passed away without my knowledge?. what i am trying to say is that we were both at peace and that kind of put a more gentler closure to the situation, she passed away knowing that we were both at peace within our hearts and that her daughter would always be safe with her father. the hard part now is dealing with my daughter,she repeatedly asks for her mommy (she is 4). that's what hurts the most, just the other night she turns too me and asks me"Daddy why can't someone be my mommy?, My real mommy is in heaven)....Thats pain..............Just forget all the bad moments ,be at peace with one another and assure him that his daughters will always be fine and in good care..
Good Luck and God Bless him. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 11:59:12 AM | | hi i do know what you mean my exs fathers just died and my ex is ill him self now and drinks but now he keeps coming around here , i have been divored from him for over 10 years and he ill treated us , at one time i did feel sorry for him hes got no one ,but he made it that way himself , he didn't care one bit about us till now and i am sorry to say that i would not have him back it this house and i am nothing to do with him the kids have there own minds and if thay want to help him thats up to them and i think that you should be the same its time for you now its there father but not your husband any more | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:17:29 PM | | i want to thank everyone of you. no we don,t have small kids.are younget is 16. but we do have small grand babies.and no hes not my huban any more.but at one time i loved him as much as any one could love anyone.and i have prayed about it. hes not taking cemo yet.he only found out he had cancer about a mouth a go.he had his first surgery yesterday.i don,t know y the doctors took so long be 4 doing any thing.but any ways i want to thank every one of u | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:27:03 PM | You can do what you can to help him die with dignity without bringing him into the home you provide for your children. You want their memories of him to be positive and something they can hold onto.
I would call the local cancer society and find out the services that are available in your area. Be an emotional support, which will be positive for you and your children, but it is not your responsibility to care for him, particularly as it would likely be an ugly presence in your home.
You have learned that you will always love this man but you need to keep yourself and your children safe. That has not changed because his life has taken such an unfortunate turn. Focus on your daughters and be as kind as you can, it is all you can or should do. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 8/29/2007 2:34:55 PM | His continuing to abuse alcohol may have played a factor in the doctors deciding on and pursuing a course of action.
(((hugs))) I want you to know that I think I at least somewhat understand what you are going through. My ex is a substance abuser. That is the reason we are no longer together and I don't expect him to live much longer. When I think about what the future holds for us the emotions are almost overwhelming. I dread what lays ahead. I have assured my ex-MIL I will be there to do what I can to help because I cherish the person he used to be and the bond/happiness we once shared.
While he is still ambulatory, abusing alcohol and being difficult (to put it mildly) I recommend that he remain at his mother's and you can do what you can to provide assistance. I agree with one of the other posters that a hospice should be contacted. That will help everyone to become informed, provide proper care and take care of each other/themselves through this ordeal. If he is terminal (and my post is based on the assumption that he is), he will reach the point where he cannot get around, won't be able to drink anything much less alcohol, and won't have much awareness if any at all. Then would be the time you could move him into your home if that's what you and the rest of the family want to do. My father wasn't an alcoholic but we nursed him through the last 5 weeks of his life in his home with the help of hospice. I can tell you it was both the most difficult and rewarding experiences of my life. You won't regret it.
God bless you and your family. Peace. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 9/10/2007 2:12:34 PM | Wow..That is a load and maybe I will help.
The first thing is that you did have a life and bond with him...And a child....Yes there were issues that developed but the truth is you are human with real feelings and emotions. I would try to forgive him while he is alive and make it clear that while you are who you are you will try to forgive. Once he passes you will never be able to have him hear that you have and that may haunt you. and hurt you as well. It may be toughre for closer as well....I would pray..For him and you and your child. While it may not be Gods will for his recovery He may show mercy and ease the pain...
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 9/10/2007 2:16:50 PM | Reg the drinking and taking care of him...............
You have to set boundaries...limitations on yourself....You must still take care of you..
You could make an agreement that if you take care of him there is to be no booze...More then likely that will not work....I would vist him with a friend. If her gets nasty, physical or harmful to you then you must leave.
The get over may be nothing more than the bond of your children....You will always have that...But it need to be put into a mature context with distance for your self..
Hope this helps sweetie | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 9/10/2007 3:14:19 PM | First off, I'm truly sorry Cindy. Anyone who goes through watching someone they know, die, regardless of the situation or histoy, is never easy.
Follow your heart Cindy. You shared a history with this man and through that history, brought 4 daughters into this world. You indicated that through your marriage there were some severe problems, i.e. abuse and drinking. How sad that you had to endure these things, yet how fortunate for you, that you were able to finally remove yourself from that life.
I don't honestly know that bringing him into your home now, is a wise solution. If he is still drinking, this added with the fact that he is dying, can and probably will, give you more grief then you can handle. You would therefore, not be in a strong emotional position, to give him the kind of help he'll need and because of that, your own health will suffer greatly.
If he has no other family - sisters, brothers, parents, then I'm sure considering the fact that the 2 of you are no longer together, his immediate doctor will look into finding him a suitable place where he can live out his remaining days, with the care, medication and treatments needed.
I would certainly suggest, should he be placed in a facility where he will receive the care needed, you do go visit him with your daughters. If nothing else, you will be giving your girls the emotional support they'll need. It's amazing how strong we can suddenly become for our children.
Good luck to you Cindy. My prayers are with you and your daughters. | |
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| my ex is dyeing with cancer what do i do
Posted: 9/12/2007 12:10:25 PM | | Ex is ex. Write him off, and let him go elsewhere. The cancer does not make him less drunk,less abusive, or such. Let the grown kids care for him if they want, and send him a get well card a couple of times a year. Otherwise have no more to do with him. | |
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