| How do you..
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:15:58 AM | | I dont know if many know this but i got a thread out there on the single parents forum thats called i got a question for all you single parents out there...(please read some of it if you havent)its about my son and everything and then him passing away..everyone has been nice to me and put nice things up on my other thread i thought i would ask another question that maybe you all can help me with...how do you cope when a love one died?i just dont mean in religious way..in any way...ive tried alot and its just not working...i know its only been 4 months but i thought that id be coping alittle better then i am but i guess not..can someone please help me?...thanks | |
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| How do you..
Posted: 9/2/2007 2:04:11 AM | Best way is to allow each phase to take place, allow all the feelings that come in to take complete hold and let them wash right through you. Dont think you have to keep a stiff upper lip or be a "MAN" about grieving, if you want to cry just do it.
Everyone grieves in their own way, there are no hard and fast rules about it although most claim there are. You'll find your own way of dealing like everyone does. | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 4:50:36 AM | | There is no set way to do it, you just let time pass. The process takes about two years. I went through it over the last 26 months and theres no way of speeding it up. Keep your friends close and you'll get there. Best of luck mate. | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 5:14:29 AM | OP, I read through your previous thread. Wow, that's alot of losses for someone so young. I think you are handling it better than you think.
Unfortunately, in the past year I have had three friends lose a son, all them in their early teens and all three boys were great kids. Two of the deaths were sudden, freak accidents and one was because of luekemia. The time lines are one year ago, nine months ago, and five months ago.
It's been hard on everyone but I have watched the same pattern of grieving take place in all three of my friends. First is the shock and numbness. For the first few months, they live like zombies, can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate, and can't remember even little things that happened the day before. Then the numbness begins to wear off and real anger sets in. Anger with themselves, with God, and with other people. If only they had done this or that. Why did God allow this to happen? How dare other people have normal lives when they are going through so much pain. They developed short tempers, lashed out a the people close to them, and constantly wondered why, why, why? Around six to eight months, the reality sets in and they sort of resigned themselves to the fact their child is gone and they accept the need to get on with their lives and work on their future. At this point, they could finally begin to talk about and remember their child and smile instead of cry. This is when all the loving comments, stories, pictures, and memories...theirs and other's....truly brought comfort to them and they began to slowly 'act' like themselves again. And I emphasize SLOWLY!!!
These were sweet, cheerful, caring women who became angry, depressed, critical, and lashed out at times at their friends, spouses, coworkers, etc., who walked on eggshells around them. They seemed to become completely different people for awhile. The thing I have learned is that they don't even realize they are doing it. Its NORMAL and a part of the grieving process. As the first poster stated, everyone grieves differently but there are still stages of the process we have to go through and they can't be circumvented. Doing so only prolongs the process in the end. One thing that seems to have helped all three is counseling and having someone close to them that they could talk to through their grief. Someone they trusted and would actually listen to.
The first two are now nearing the one year mark and yes, they still have their moments and those first holidays and birthdays without their sons are still hard on them but they are functioning, laughing, and living again. It will always hurt and they will always miss their sons. I have a 15 yrs old son at home, my other kids are grown and gone. He is an absolutely wonderful kid (I have always said he is my special gift from God for surviving the first three! LOL) and I try to imagine how I would go on without him if it had been him instead of one of theirs. So I can empathize with their pain.
My point is....you really are doing fine. Some stages may last longer than others. Don't try to set a timeline. It WILL get better in time but it will never completely go away and I don't think you would want it to. Take your time to get through each stage and realize that your feelings are normal. Talking it out seems to be the best therapy rather than keeping it inside and presenting a tough exterior. I'm not sure that it will lesson the time of grieving, but it does seem to help them THROUGH their grief.
I know you don't know me but you seem to need someone to talk to, even if its 2 in the morning. If you would like to email me, I will give you my number and you can call me when you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, or just need to know you aren't alone. Nights are usually the hardest. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.  | |
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| How do you..
Posted: 9/2/2007 5:19:57 AM | | There is grief counselling and group therapy, that may be a something you want to talk with your doctor about, sorry for your lost. | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 5:39:41 AM | | Well i kept journal... And i just stayed to myself when my grandmother and twins passed away due to a misscarrage.. You just have to take time to really understand yourself and just know that everything will be ok..I pushed alot of people away from me for like 6 months..But in time when you deal with it your own way it gets better. You have to think of the good times you had wiht them and know that there are other plans for something..But when i had kept the journal and finally moved on i threw it away... There just wansnt a need for me to remember how i felt when i know everytime i talk about them i get sad but than i just think that they are an angle looking down on me and everything is good..Thats how i delt with mine. | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 3:23:47 PM | OP,
Today marks the 8th anniversary of my father's death. Have I forgotten..does it feel like it was just yesterday....do I still grieve that loss...you bet. Each day, over time get's easier, but when you are that close to a parent, child or loved one...it's almost impossible to not grieve the loss and for some of us it lasts yrs, while other's seem to bounce back faster.
What saved me was my children. I was devastated when my father died because it came out of no where...but I knew that I had to continue living, because even though the ones we love die, life continues to move on. Has it forever changed who I am as a person..you betcha, but once I got past my anger...and realized there was nothing I could do to change things...I was able to begin living again.
I know you lost a child, and as a single mom...I know that would devastate me...but loosing a parent who was so young was just as hard. Everyone has to grieve and cope with their loss at their own pace. I've had lot's of people say ..'they know how I feel', but unless you have lost a child, parent, spouse, etc...you really have NO clue how a person is feeling...and most days for me I felt numb.
Give yourself time to heal...coping skills will come in time, but your loss is very new...and quite painful. I thought I had kept it together REALLY well...til almost a yr later I just had a mini melt down ...I sobbed what felt like hours. I had tried so hard to be the pillar of strength for all around me, that I finally crumbled. We are human and full of emotions...which will be heard...even if it's just by our own two ears.
I found keeping a journal helped...I could fill page after page of rants...my rage..my why's....my hurt. I guess my greatest fear was forgetting all the warm memories I had of my father...but they are very much alive. The little child in me refused to let go...and some times...like today...I find her sitting here...feeling your pain without even knowing who you are.
God bless my dear. Take all the time you need to grieve and let know one tell you otherwise. | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 4:17:10 PM | I'm probably the last one who should give advice on this topic. I don't think there is a set way to deal with it though. I've always dealt with greif sort of matter-of-factly. I found routines help.
Talk when you to talk. Cry when you need to cry. Don't try to block it out, don't bottle it up. And if you know of anyone in a similar situation talk about it, even if you have to find a therapist. Just remember you're not alone. You have people who care about you, who will help you through this so let them help. | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 4:28:50 PM | Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a child.
I lost my daughter's father, suddenly. I was pretty much a basketcase for the first year...by the second year I was just beginning to make plans to move on. It's been almost 9 years and it still hurts, but not to the point where I think about it every day or let it get in the way of my life now. Time does heal.
I don't think we ever truly "get over" a loss so profound, but I do believe that these experiences can make us stronger, more compassionate people.
If this is really depressing you counselling is always a good option..grief counselling is available and I believe most funeral homes, doctors and such would be able to point you in the right direction.
Many bright blessings to you. I will light a candle for your lost one.
Ravenstar | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 6:56:03 PM | Well just keep jumping in and asking for help, support, a shoulder.
I cannot imagine a greater pain than burying a child. I am sorry you have to go through it.
Although I am not very religious I am spiritual and this Bible verse is one I especially like...
"I thank my God in all my remembrances of you".
Philippians 1:3
It suggests that when you feel sad do not try to forget your loved one instead embrace a happy memory. Always be glad that you were his Dad...
A big ((((((((((HUG)))))))))))) for you.
BZB | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 8:27:07 PM | Hi Honey..
You are such a brave soul as was your son. I have worked with a few people regarding the loss of loved ones and one of the most beneficial and life improving steps in their lives was to live in their memory. Alot of people found that starting a foundation or building a group for others in similar situations calming and nurturing. It gave them the opportunity to continue to live in their loved ones memories and although they are not here in body, they MOST DEFFINATELY are in spirit. When people cross over they are freed from their pain and illnesses. They watch over us everyday to see if we are ok and maybe even send signs to us in different froms. The legacy of your son may be to bring awareness and to help those in a similar situations as you and your children have faced especially through sports events as I feel that was one of his passions. He is proud of you honey and at this time, I just thought I would place this seed of thought for you to think about and place some of your energy into. Feel free to contact me anytime should you need to talk. xxxxxx
PrimandProper xx | |
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Posted: 9/2/2007 10:45:15 PM | OP...I just read the other thread you're refering to...my heartfelt condolences go out to you.
I do alot of crisis intervention work with victims of crime, many of whom are family survivors who have lost loved ones. What I can tell you, is there is no right way to deal with your loss, nor is there a wrong way. Also, there is no 'time limit' on your grief or the process. You're son will be in your heart forever.
What I can tell you is to not forget about taking care of yourself. I know it might sound silly, but you need to make sure you continue to eat, even if it's something small, just make sure you eat something regularily. As well, you need your sleep. Alot of people don't understand how important this is, but you have suffered a tramatic situation, and as a result, your body and mind need to heal. If you continue to have problems sleeping you should see your doctor and discuss that with him. Next, I would suggest you find out who your support network is. It might be your family, a circle of friends, or a pastor at your church (if you attend). Once you find your support network, you need to reach out to them for help. Do not be ashamed that you need help, the death of a child is one of the most tramatic situations to deal with. Ask for help with simple things, maybe things you could use help with (maybe it's as simple as going to the grocery store). Try and find one person who you can ask that would be able to get you out of the house at least once a day (maybe for a walk around the block). Start small and gradually build from there. I would also suggest that you speak to a pastor, even if you don't attend church regularily. You are welcome in any church, and any pastor would welcome you with open arms.
It's important to remember that you will never forget, nor are you ever expected to forget. Any emotions you might experience at any time are normal. As well, everyone grieves at different speeds, so just because someone else might have 'accepted' it and you haven't, doesn't mean that you are not dealing with it. You will deal with it in your own time and in your own way.
I'm not sure what city you live in, but I'm sure there are other resources you can access to help you deal with this. If you would like more information, please just email me and I would happy to help you out any way I can.
God bless you and good luck. My thoughts are with you. | |
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Posted: 9/3/2007 8:55:55 AM | OP this is really a tough thing to do, I know I think of my daughter alot. She would be 30 this year. I remember I had so many people telling me to take it each day. I couldn't handle each day. I had to drop it down to minute by minute, then gradually came up to hour by hour. I lost her before he first birthday. Coping you since you are not in the nut house. I know it took me 3 years before I could put her stuff away, I had her twin, I still look at him and wonder.
You cry, you hurt so much it is like a knife going thru you. You stop in the middle of something you are doing because you think you hear them, Or the house is to quiet so you have to go check it out.
What you do to start healing is find a support group for parents that have lost thier children,.I dont' know if I could have made it without it
I will be checking back in here now and then to see how you are doing. I will be thinking of you and your pain, One thing also it is okay to hurt
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Posted: 9/3/2007 3:07:11 PM | You are dealing with probably one of the worst losses anyone can endure and you have our thoughts and prayers with you. Grief is something that takes its own time. Each person is different, each situation is different. Four months may seem like a while but it really is not. When my father died, I suddenly seemed to always want to know what he would think or say and I know I didn't do that before he died, I had lived 1000 miles away for close to 20 years, and while I spoke with my parents regularly, it was usually a few minutes with my dad and then, put mom on the phone please.
I think you tend to think more about the individual when they are no longer there. Things remind you of them, and for a while, those reminders can be debilitating. My son's teacher lost her father last year while I was in the hospital over spring break. Because I was so ill myself, we did not really talk too much at the end of the school year. She is single and I recently invited her to go to a pof event. She had forgotten it was Labor Day weekend, and already had plans but also mentioned that she was just not really up to socializing with people that she did not already know very well.
She mentioned that she is sort of freaked out to still be having so much trouble dealing with his death. She and two of her siblings had moved away, but the family remained very close despite geographic distance. She has been surprised by totally breaking down at the grocery store and in a parking lot. I think when one of those times hits, you should go with it. At the smae time, trying to move forward is something you need to do right now. It is sort of a balancing act between trying to move forward and allowing yourself to grieve. If you haven't read any material on grieving there are tons of books out there, which can be helpful and you can also contact area churches and other organizations to see if they have any support groups for parents who have lost children.
I think in the end, you can do positive things for yourself but part of what is required is time. | |
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Posted: 9/3/2007 4:22:22 PM | | Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Dad(50) 20 years ago so was young. Not the same thing I know. I learned to remember the good times, the special moments and treasure them. To keep sentimental things that will forever keep them in your heart: I kept a harmonica he used to play. Still have it. Know it is hard now. Know it is one of the hardest things to deal in life. Know it is ok to cry! Take care. | |
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Posted: 9/3/2007 5:00:59 PM | 4 months isn't very long when it comes to losing someone you love, especially a child of yours. I don't know you, but I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.
Honestly? I think that the passing of time is the only thing that's going to ease your pain and give you peace. How much time that takes is up to each individual.
Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. You don't have to "be strong" all the time. If you are sad, feel it. Don't fight it. Just let it happen, that's the best way to get it out of you.
I wish I had magic words for you, I can't even pretend to know what you are going through. My best advice is to give yourself as much time as you need...there's no time limit on grieving, no one can tell you that you should be "over it" by now. I have a friend whose son died, and within 6 months, her inlaws were telling her she "should be over it by now." I was like WTF???? Just take whatever time you need, and grieve in your own way, and eventually I hope you will find peace. | |
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Posted: 9/5/2007 11:33:48 PM | | i just want to say thank you all of you that posted something...im dealing but these are the nights i start to think and wonder and everything else...the hardest time is when everything is quiet and theres nothing to do but sit and think...im trying to not cry but i do...but again thank you everyone | |
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Posted: 9/6/2007 5:43:30 AM | you need to cry. You can't bottle it because it will only get worse. There are somethings in life that need to be felt and this is one of them. Cry when you need to, get angry if you need to. let every one of these stages take place its essential to the healing process and holding it in only makes it worse. In the meantime my prayers are with you and my heart is aching for yours.
My brother died six years ago, and my mom will still cry when we talk about him. I don't think its anything that really goes away, from what I can tell its something you learn to live with it.
If you need to vent, yell, scream cry or at least type something angry hit my messenger, I'll listen and help where I can hon. I havent been there but I promise I will try to understand. Above all, hold the memories near your heart, remember he loved you and you still have people here that love you. One day at a time, one step at a time. You'll get through this. | |
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Posted: 9/17/2007 6:49:12 PM | | i know its hard i know when it comes to missing the other person i have always grabed a pen and paper and sat down and wrote a letter to them telling them how much you miss them, how much you still love them and wish they were here to be with you and anything else you might want to tell them i do it all the time for my mother who has been gone for about 15 years and after i get done i feel alot better its worth a shot let me know if it works | |
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Posted: 9/17/2007 7:22:46 PM | I am so very sorry for your loss.
Loosing a child is never an easy thing to handle. And there is no easy way to cope with it. Ive lost 3 all together. (1 ectopic and 2 preterm losses at almost 6 months gestation)
For me, the way I handled it, was not the best way for the first month. However, once I got a grip, I joined a support group for my delicate situation type of loss at a local hospital. I also found support groups online. I met one lady from online that experienced the same thing, and even though we have never met, we talk on the phone and email every day for the past 6 years.
Check with your local hospital to see what they can provide for you. If you attend church, talk to your pastor and see if he has any recommendations.
I was given anti-depressants, and while they had a small helpful affect, I didnt like anything clouding my mind. I knew I had to deal with the raw hardcore emotions of it in order to heal.
I wish you and your family my prayers and a healthy blessing. You never 'get over it' and I absolutely dispise those who say that. You will never forget, but you do learn to heal and its a day by day healing. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21 | |
| How do you..
Posted: 9/18/2007 8:03:07 AM | OP: I am so sorry to hear of your horrible loss...I don't know that anyone would ever expect a parent to be able to cope with the loss of a child. You mention in your post that it's only been 4 months. This is a very short amount of time.
My cousin and her husband lost their 4 year old son 18 months ago...it has destroyed them, quite honestly. They take it one day at a time. They have two other children, so they have to move ahead, but I honestly don't think it's something to be coped with in a short amount of time. I know one way they deal with the pain is to remember him in funny ways, they remember his humor, his love and she has told me it makes it a bit easier.
My grandmother lost her 21 year old son in 1964...she STILL hasn't been able to deal with it, 43 years later. I don't think anyone expects her to, either, it's such a horrible thing for a parent to go through.
Have you looked into a group? I know there are groups that give parents a venue to discuss their feelings about losing a child, but I will warn you, it seems like that could make your feelings worse, I'm sure it does for some, but for others, I'm sure it helps to be able to talk with people who have been through the same thing.
I know I'm no help...I guess my advice is don't expect miracles right away, grieving really IS a process...give yourself time, and remember the great things about your son. God bless. | |
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