| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:19:56 PM | Here's my story. Please give me brutally honest advice. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
I met a guy off of POF in June. We talked awhile online and it progressed to the phone then a first date. We then began dating and seemed to really hit it off. It naturally progressed to seeing each other every day, and having sex. We always talked throughout the day by phone, IM or text messages. Sometimes we would lay in bed till 4 am talking and sharing dreams and passions knowing we had to be up for work soon. I found myself falling in love with him. The sex was often and good. We also spent a lot of time outside the bedroom and always had a wonderful time.
Everything was going wonderfully until he out of the blue became very distant for a few days. I asked for him to talk to me about it and he says he's not ready for a relationship, can't commit, not sure "us" is what he wanted....blah blah blah. I told him that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want me in return, so just tell me if he didn't want to see me anymore and that it was ok...I would move on. He assured me that he did care about me and did want to see me. We made plans to see each other the next day at 2 pm, yet he was calling at 11 am the next day asking to see me and we spent a wonderful day together and he apologized for acting like an ass. The next week was wonderful and everything was back to normal. He even asked me to go on Saturday to a nearby town for a weekend getaway. He asked me to take off work Sunday morning so we could spend Saturday night together out of town. I made a huge effort to find someone to fill in for me. We talked throughout the week about our plans and we were excited. We even discussed our pending trip on Friday.
Then I was blindsided.
We were set to leave at 11 on Saturday morning. By 10:20 he had not called and was not online which was abnormal for him. I called and he said that yes, we still had plans to go, it may be after 11 because he needed to get his hair cut and he would call me when he got home. I still had not heard from him by 11:30 so called and he did not answer. I called again at 12:15 and he answered and said he didn't feel like going and I got the same story about how he is not ready for a relationship. I again told him that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want me in return, so just tell me if he didn't want to see me anymore. He said he didn't want to see me anymore. I went to his home so we could talk and he said he really cared about me but also had feelings for his ex girlfriend. We made love again before I left.
He went out of town to see his dad and stopped to see her along the way. He says he didn't sleep with her. When he got back Sunday we saw each other, had a good time and again slept together and were "back together".
Monday I called it off because I was not prepared to go throught the emotional devastation again when he decided to break it off again. We were back together Tuesday.
I've begged him to tell me what is going on. He says he cares about me. At one point he also said he got scared because he saw that our feelings on both sides were going in the direction of falling in love. Mostly what I hear from him is that he just doesn't know. He tells me this over and over. Everytime we talk and decide not to see each other anymore we end up back together within 24 hours. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since he stood me up on Saturday. I can hardly eat or sleep and I am in love with him. I have not told him I love him.
What do I do? Do I give up and move on. I can't live this way much longer. Is he just not courageous enough to break it off? Is he unable to return my feelings but can't tell me? Is he scared because he cares too much? | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:43:12 PM | Wow, talk about an emotional roller coaster ride/wreck. He sounds like he is bi-polar and has a lot of issues. I was involved with a bi-polar and the best thing I can say to you is break it off and run fast and far away from him. He will make you crazy if you stay.
That Saturday morning he was supposed to pick you up to go away for the night..........look how he strung you along . He lied to you. He had not intentions of picking you up at all to go away.
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM!!! He will just have more power over you to screw with your mind.
As much as it hurts, (I've been there) SEVERE ALL TIES AT ONCE. You will find yourself getting more lies from him and being stood up.
I feel sorry for you, but if you do not listen to me...................you are in for more heartache that you can handle. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:44:37 PM | | do you really want to continue to be on this roller coaster? it sounds like maybe he wants you when something else doesn't work out. i think you should lose his number and move on otherwise this heartache is gonna drag on forever and you will probably be the one left in the dust. anyway, good luck whatever you decide | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:47:02 PM | I don't think any of us are going to tell you what you want to hear. Been there, nearly identical situation, but it was the Ex Wife that was the issue. Move on, and find someone who wants you for yourself. But mostly, love YOU before you love another guy.
Everytime you have reunited, it is about sex, from what I read. Have you tried reuniting with no sex? Only talking? Communicating? We women see the sex as a healing, a recommitment of love. I can't speak for men, but think that some feedback from them would enlighten us a bit as to why they will have sex with us, but still not want to be with us. Maybe because we will? | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:55:55 PM | Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it too. If he is not sure of what he wants he should not be sleeping with you and giving you mixed messages. He probably knows you are in love with him and if he doesn't feel the same way then it's not fair to you to be taking advantage of the situation.
The next time you decide not to see each other make it so. Do not call him or return his calls. Keep yourself occupied with other things (hobbies, work, exercise, go out with friends, etc...) You are getting sucked in every time and are no closer to being happy with him. If it's affecting your eating and sleeping habits then that should be a clue that you need to get away from the situation. This relationship seems too one-sided.
Good luck  | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:57:19 PM | What a ride. Even Six Flags doesn't have a roller coaster with this many ups and downs, turns and twists. I wouldnt say give up and move on just yet but maybe try staying broken up longer than 5 minutes. Sounds like you both need some time away from each other. Maybe a chance for him to miss you, to see what he is missing. As long as you keep taking him back , at the drop of a hat, you aren't giving he a reason to commit. Anyway just 1 of the many opinions I'm sure you will recieve on this topic.
Good Luck | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:01:50 PM | Yup..... Everyone say's move on... N ow I don't know that this fella's bipolar as suggested.. I believe that term is thrown around a bit too much..
You'd indicated y'all met on POF, talked a while, met, dated , progressed, had lots of sex and then bammo... I'm wondering over what time frame this talking to dating to sex took place. If the sex happened quickly and I mean before a couple of months... or longer, then it was probably too quick. Don't get me wrong... I'm no angel, but I've had sex VERY early in a "relationship" and will again (hopefully), but I've made plenty of mistakes. We're all animals and sex is a basic instinct / need etc.
Of course, I could be wrong and often am. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:03:05 PM |
What do I do? Do I give up and move on. I can't live this way much longer. Is he just not courageous enough to break it off? Is he unable to return my feelings but can't tell me? Is he scared because he cares too much?
You know what to do, so get about doing it. Love yourself enough to listen to your inner voice. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:04:24 PM | Barring that he's not over his ex and that somehow she's in the picture... withdraw. You don't have to move on just yet... but you do need to give the appearance that you are.
Go about your own life without regard to how he fits in, and by creating that void, you'll see if he tries to fill it by drawing close to you. This may take a few weeks to see results.
You get busy doing things on your own
You don't try to fit him in your plans
You don't return all his calls or emails
Let his calls go to voicemail.
You do not initiate contact with him.
When you do return his calls or emails, return them a day or two later
When you speak, be the one that ends the call first "Got to go! Bye!"
When you speak, you do not give him any details of what you've been doing. Just an "I've been busy!" is all he gets.
Do NOT talk about the relationship.
Do NOT tell him what you're feeling.
If he happens by, you're on your way out. You'll dress up nice and throw on some perfume and when he asks you where you're going, your answer is "Out. With... friends" and if he presses for details, your answer is "I have to go! Bye!"
Making these changes in your interactions with him may cause him to make changes in his interactions with you. By doing this, you're to make him feel the void and ponder on it. He may then start to assess what he's losing. Be prepared, however, that this may be a lost cause.
Otherwise, if you keep doing what you've been doing, that's not working too well and you'll keep getting the same results. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:04:36 PM | My unfortunate friend, I too have had a similar experience with being toyed with. You must break yourself from these chains that were created by his uncertaintly, and live on. I'm sure the pain is too much for you right now, as it was for me.
"When in doubt, do without". An unstable relationship (even if it's just a friendship) is never a good one. You need to get out of this toxic zone before it destroys your feeling of self worth and dignity. You can do much better. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:09:29 PM | heres a clue he hasnt gotten his ex out of his brain
that can take a while this i know from experience
keep your knees together and talk to him and his ex together like adults and get it cleared up | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/5/2007 9:21:50 PM | You need to move on, he is playing mind games with you and this is not fair to you!
One thing to remember, he is only a guy! Believe me , there are plenty of more guys to find in the river. If you go back dating you might find a guy that you like better!When we date we are taking a calculated risk, which means ,we know there is a risk but we go ahead and take that risk! | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 5:30:55 AM | | Wow. Not a single one of you said to stick it out and give it time. You all said run and run fast. Exactly what I needed to know. Thanks. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 7:30:52 AM | I will never understand why a person would put up with disrespect in in the name of supposedly LOVE, they say love is blind and she needs a seeing eye dog
Unfortunately your emotions are acting without the benefit of intellect, its time to wake up
Your man is setting you up for a friends with benefits thing, you guys are sleeping with each other but not good enough to commit? Does it take a message from God him self to show you
The man isnt over his ex girlfriend, translation you're a option not his priority
He stood you up without a explanation, translation NO RESPECT
He tells you he cares so much for you? translation he's stringing you along so he can get sex every time, pretty soon you guys wont be going to dinner, or out in public, it will be just him coming over and telling you he misses you , brings dinner or orders dinner and you end up having sex, you will be emotionally attached, and he springs on you what ever excuse and the cycle begins.
Why would you stay and even consider investing any more time with this guy? unless youre into drama and heartbreak, or you think you can change this guy? | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 8:24:52 AM | We talked awhile online and it progressed to the phone then a first date. We then began dating and seemed to really hit it off. It naturally progressed to seeing each other every day, and having sex. We always talked throughout the day by phone, IM or text messages. Sometimes we would lay in bed till 4 am talking and sharing dreams and passions knowing we had to be up for work soon. I found myself falling in love with him. The sex was often and good. We also spent a lot of time outside the bedroom and always had a wonderful time.
Everything was going wonderfully until he out of the blue became very distant for a few days.
I could have written that myself. Only the relationship I was in lasted a lot longer than yours has, and I didn't meet him online.
The whole "distant for a few days" was the beginning of the end.
Your only hope to get past this guy and not let "him" mess up your future relationships is to cut off contact with him. I know that's not what you want to hear. Do NOT do the whole "on again, off again" thing with him anymore.
He needs to get his own head on straight, and he can't do that while you are running back to each other every other day. As long as he's conflicted, you are going to end up getting hurt. The way it sounds right now, he doesn't want a relationship, but he wants to keep you in the picture for when he want sex. Is that what you want to be to him? If not, then cut him loose, and do it completely. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 8:36:23 AM | No relationship is perfect, and there isn't a one that doesn't have it's disagreements and disconnects.
That being said, a good relationship DOES NOT involve one party being in a state of constant anxiety for fear of being dumped, taken back up, dumped again..
STOP SEEING THIS MAN. GET ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. eventually you WIIL find a man who DOES know what the hell he wants out of life. Let your present bf/exbf/whatever find some other fool.
Whether the guy is mildly bipolar or just an idiot is beside the point. Who needs this??
Cindy O | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 8:44:33 AM | cut him loose and make no contact....
you are a convenience that he takes advantage of, albeit with your consent.
he is undecided... many men are in the same boat and as long as women enable thier foolishness they continue and play both sides of the fence for as long as the women enable the behaviour. ( in fairness this is not gender specific.. women play the same game.. and men enable them as well.)edit.
You will get over what you thought you had with him...and someone will love you for you and not as a convenience at the time.
There are worse things than being alone.. and you need to step off the platform before the ride comes back around. It is an emotional trainwreck in the making.
Do not be available to him next time or the time after that or the time after that.
Do not be intimate with him and do not let him know he still has the power to hurt you.
Take control of your own life.
Treat yourself better.. you deserve it.
Read your own post as if it was written by someone else. You seem to be very bright and articulate.. give the best advice you know to the woman who wrote the OP. You know in your soul what is best for you....
DO NOT MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHO SEES YOU ONLY AS AN OPTION. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:06:42 AM | I think creativguy gave you very sound advice. Don't wait around, start making your own plans, be unavailable. This is very much about control on his part, and you have given all the control to him. By doing what creativguy suggested you are taking back some of that control. You can't be wishy-washy, get a backbone girl. Begin the process of moving on, if this causes him to re-evaluate...then good for you. If he disappears, then you have already begun the healing process and again...good for you.
I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself, but you have to take control of you. Stand up straight, role your shoulders back, chin up, and tell him you are busy, and mean it. Tell him you won't wait...and mean it. He may need to see you walking away to realize what he will lose, and you need to decide if you want him. (Note: Controlling people do not change, and if you chose him, be prepared to live on his rollar coaster.) Best wishes, I sure hope this works out well for you. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:09:34 AM | An aside on this issue..........
*DISCLAIMER - I AM ABOUT TO MAKE A GENERALIZATION*
It has been my experience that a man who is "always online"....his little face lit up on messenger 24/7....is an attention whore and is never going to be able to commit. Too many women out there will be willing to play with him. This could be possible for women too...but I don't have any experience with women, so I'm just addressing the man issue. If a man is on now and then, he might work out. But a 24/7 net man has a dysfunction. I mean really...he has a place to take care of, hobbies he could have, friends he could be visiting...and he leaves himself online all the time? Either he's sitting there at the computer (worst case scenerio) or he's afraid to miss a SINGLE MESSAGE, so he leaves everything on all the time - and the visual of all those little instant messages sitting on his screen and his Mail Box notification up when he gets home is just the biggest thrill he can possibly experience.
If you have a clue they are netlifers, don't even waste your time.
Sincerely,
The BLACK colored glasses woman. HAHAHHAHA (as opposed to rose...)
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:12:45 AM | | Holy Cow girl!!!!!!!!! creativeguy gave you the very best answer! But i would like to add that you should start looking for another man on POF right away as well as doing exactly what creativeguy told you. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:25:28 AM | HELLO THERE GIRL! SORRY FOR YOUR TROUBLES, AND THATS WHAT HE SOUNDS LIKE, HE WILL HAVE YOU ON THAT STRING AS LONG AS YOU HANG ONTO IT... THERE ARE "PLENTYOFFISH" IN THE SEA... NO PUN INTENENDED, BUT THIS HAPPENED TO ME, AND IT TURNED OUT THAT MY GUY WAS IN A DEEP DEPRESSION, FINALLY I GOT HIM TO SAY "GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE" I GIVE YOU THE SAME ADVICE, GET ON WITH IT.. HE CANT MAKE UP HIS MIND? YOU MAKE IT UP FOR HIM. WHY SHOULD HE WASTE YOUR TIME, AND ENERGY, JUST FOR THE ODD BIT OF GOOD SEX.. ALSO I WONDER IF HE HAS HIS "OTHER GIRLFRIEND ON A STRING TOO!!? YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. GOOD LUCK! | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:26:08 AM | OP "Wow. Not a single one of you said to stick it out and give it time. You all said run and run fast. Exactly what I needed to know. Thanks."
Actually Creativguy said something kind of like sticking it out. I tend to agree with him except for the telling untruth parts.
"Go about your own life without regard to how he fits in, and by creating that void, you'll see if he tries to fill it by drawing close to you. This may take a few weeks to see results.
You get busy doing things on your own
You don't try to fit him in your plans
You do not initiate contact with him.
When you speak, you do not give him any details of what you've been doing. Just an "I've been busy!" is all he gets.
Do NOT talk about the relationship.
Do NOT tell him what you're feeling"
Don't do the other trickery. Don't play the other games. But do give him the space and keep active in your own life. The end result will either be that he decides he wants to be with you and you haven't burned your bridges or he decides he doesn't and you haven't wasted your time holding your breath. Either way you will win. | |
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| I'm needing objective advice
Posted: 9/6/2007 9:27:11 AM |
he said he really cared about me but also had feelings for his ex girlfriend. We made love again before I left.
Him saying this would have stopped me right there and the last bit would not have happened.
The running theme on the last half of the post is he goes funny with you you run him to ground and then end up making love? Relationships and sorting them out require straight talking and not making love.
He is probably back with his ex and playing it both sides.
I know you have feelings for him but, if he was bothered he would be there and not dissapeer or change behavior.
Stop running after him and move on. | |
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