| | Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | My friend in a relationship with a man who simply states that he is not affectionate. He refuses sex and tells her that she is too horny. She is not a needy person who wants to be close to him all the time. She just wants a hug and kiss here and there and more intimacy.
She is really hurt by his aloofness and is wondering if maybe he is not that into her but won't own up to it.
I also have to mention that he has been battling alcoholism for his whole life. He was sober up until the last 4 months. She has been with him 6 months.
Anyone that has any thoughts, recommendations for her, please respond.
Thank you! | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 5:49:23 AM | Were this my friend I would advise her to leave. Sex and affection is a vital human need - without it she will feel like she is shriveling up and dying. It will eventually kill off whatever else there is that is good in their relationship. Part of compatibility - and in my opinion, one of the most important facets of compatibility - is a similar sex drive.
The other issue, alcoholism is equally worrisome and destructive. Alcoholics place their priority on their addictions not their relationships. I would not want anyone I cared about to have to face these issues.
I rarely advise people to end things... but, in this case I see nothing redeeming. Too much of it is out of her hands to alter... the healthy choice is clear. end it now before her life gets further entangled. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 5:57:59 AM | | I say get out of the relationship. I dated a woman that showed no emotion towards me at all. I would buy her things and it was like whatever. When i would try and kiss her she would be like ok that is enough, i am trying to watch TV. She had an excuse for everything. You can't stay in a relationship when you dont feel oved. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:03:29 AM | | Simple answer is NO. Affection is a normal part of a healthy relationship...ranging from holding hands, to a embrace to intimacy. If you are healthy affection is what defines the difference between a "friends" situation..and a "relationship"..If he seeks companionship without affection it is friendship...And while "friendship" is a important part of relationship...affection, in all it's levels is as well. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:11:36 AM | | Tell you friend to end the relationship but do it in a nice way. It sounds like the guy has some really heavy problems he is already dealing with, both physically and psycholagically, no need to add to his burden. But she has to think of her future and well being, and having a partner addicted to anything is a killer of love. It 9is better to end it sooner than later, and he should not waste anyone else's time till he is ready to date and commit to a partner. He should clear up his problems before he comes on sites like these, it is only fair to all concerned.I wish her luck, its a tough road to hoe , Jim | |
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Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 7 | |
| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:14:38 AM | It could get worse and worse.
By six months into my marriage ....... she started training me.
Within the first year - my training was complete > “Leave me the hell alone until I say different”. She very seldom said different.
Part of my training was dirty looks - condescending words.
You have no idea how bad it hurt to love someone - want to touch them but knowing full well - the dirty looks you would get.
To her there was no connection between love and sex - none. Love was love and sex was sex and they had nothing to do with each other.
When she wanted sex (not very often after the newness had wore off) she would say “you want to mess around?” Her saying that had nothing to do with us being around each other. She must have thought about Brad Pitt or something - it always came unexpected.
Seventeen years of ZERO affection out of bed. I mean ZERO - she never instigated a simple hug - had me convinced I was a worthless piece of chit.
Then she dumped me and gave THREE MORE YEARS of an occasional “you want to mess around” - she would come over and leave afterwards.
Unless your friend wants to end up with zero self-confidence / self-esteem / pride in herself - she should get the hell away from the guy and STAY away from him. She don’t want to know what 20 years of no affection does to someone.
I FINALLY regained enough pride to stop picking up the phone a year ago. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:22:48 AM | OP Ok, here is my 3 cents:
First, if he has only been sober for 4 months, then adjusting to this new lifestyle can take some time. Don't get me wrong, I researched this subject in depth.
Second, you should find out a bit about his past, perhaps this can be linked to his childhood. Some people who do not get affection or very little of it, have a harder time as an adult with affirmations of love.
And third, some men just think too much, and that can hinder their willingness to get that far. How was the relationship early on?
6 months may be too soon to say you love anyone anyway! She might want to take that into concideration, many men are afraid of their own world and seeing it sober could scare them!!!! | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:23:59 AM | | I think the two completely non-negotiable deal breakers of any relationship is abuse and abuse of substances ,, this person by staying with an abuser and is abusing herself ,, the first and foremost love in an alcohilics life is the BOOZE ,, I can relate to this from personal experience I spent 7 years abusing myself living with an alcoholic and unless she plans on mirroring the same behaviour she better run,, the affects of long term abuse of alcohol on the brain is scary,... they are completely detached from their emotional part of their brains that is why they drink and that is also why she runs. This site is full of so called social drinkers as well,,, most people are unaware of its aging properties primarily to our nerve central the brain and how it disrupts sex hormones ,, they still equate smoking and drinking with sexiness when it is the worst things you can do for your body,,, people often say I look young for my age,, it is not a mystery it is lifestyle,,,, Recent studies have found the only successful relationships are healthy people ,, hmm go figure eh..... | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:26:03 AM | Someone that doles out affection at a ridiculous pace will suck the life out of your friend. She should be in a relationship that lifts her up. I would also be concerned about the drinking. Two months into a relationship it is strange for someone to start drinking again and I imagine that part of the affection situation is that the guy gets his warm fuzzies from a bottle.
He will not change so if she wants to feel like she is alone even when she is "with" someone, she should stay with him. If she would like to be happy, she should find someone without these issues. If she is determined to work things out, she should not see him until he stops drinking.
If she stays with him because he has X number of good qualities you should bluntly tell her it is not going to get any better than this, this is the real man. Then you list the pros and cons on paper and perhaps if she can see the dynamic, she will move to save herself. She can't save him. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:32:03 AM | | Was he cool and aloof when they first started dating or is this something new that started after he began drinking again? Alcoholism destroys all relationships whether it's a romantic one or with friends and family. A lot of times alcoholics drink AT the ones closest to them, do you understand what I'm saying? They do so in an attempt to bury or deal with issues. Ultimatums will not work with an alcoholic, they have to want to quit. If she puts up with his lack of affection and aloofness she is only enabling him and teaching him how to treat her. She needs to think long and hard about what she wants out of this relationship. It's a sad situation and she cannot force him to change, he has to do that himself. Best of luck to her. | |
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ryn48
| | Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 14 | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:41:56 AM | Why would she WANT to stay with someone that lacks affection ? !
I'm going to add to what the others have said and advise her to detatch herself from him and move on. In that order.
Enough of us have gone through simular circumstances to know it isnt healthy for the partner longing for more to stay and deteriorate. Affection is a basic need for all people. Lack of it will cause her to look elsewhere for it eventually. If she stays , can she justify cheating ( later) when someone starts to show her more then she is currently getting ? Might as well get out early and have a clean conscience. I'm not saying your friend might cheat. But why put herself in the position to be tempted. Move forward and be happy.
The WoodsMan | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:42:56 AM | The drinking is the issue. A drunk can't love anyone. They don't even love themselves. Since he started drinking again two months into this relationship, it's a very bad sign.
I don't think telling her to leave will help. If she was going to, she would have already made the jump. She's probably trapped in a sense of co-dependency, and hoping to save him from himself. Trouble is that the only person who can save him, is himself.
Tell her, if she won't leave him, then to contact AA. They have programs for people in relationships with alcoholics. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:47:25 AM | He is an alcoholic who has been drunk for four months and won't put out, yet she hangs in there.
For the past four months he has been drinking again and he doesn't give her any affection, but she wants him anyway.
She loves a man who is not affectionate and who drinks.
Mad Woman In Love With Cold Fish Drunk.
Glutton For Punishment Hits Jackpot!
Just trying to view this from all different angles, see how it might make sense. I am glad to learn of this woman. It shows me that no matter what I do, there will be someone out there for me. | |
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| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:50:48 AM | | I see its her fault too... she is asking something from someone who does not have it to give... she should go into professional counseling and deal with herself as to why she is asking something from someone who does not have it to give or does not want to give it to her.... if she stays under the circumstances, she will not have a good life and she will deserve it all by her bad choices. | |
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Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 22 | |
| Should you stay in a relationship if the person you love can't show affection?
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:56:40 AM | Humm ........ alcohol.
I’ve never really thought much about booze and lack of affection in a person being connected.
My ex is very small (about 105 pounds) three beers and she would be slurring her words. She did not drink “all” the time but did often. I have never been much of a drinker but she often drank beer.
Her (my exes) mom is a total ice queen. I never saw her mom touch ANYONE in all those years. Never saw her touch her husband or any of her three daughters. I never saw her mother (my mother in law) so much as give a little hug to ANYONE. But her mom was so self centered it was blatant. She really thought she was the Queen of the Universe. My ex did not seem all that self centered.
I understand from the girls (her girls that we raised) that she drinks more and more now. I guess she could be on her way to becoming an alcoholic if she is not actually one already.
It is strange that I had never put these to things together until just now.
It is none of my business anymore but - if she is it is too bad. She really is a decent person. | |
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