| | Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)Page 1 of 1 | This is not for seeking pity! I am seeking information and personal opinions on when you feel it is best to disclose that you have a disability.
Should one disclose this information immediately, or wait until a "relationship" has developed? | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:18:43 PM | ^^^^By immediately, do you mean on the first date?
I can see disclosing the info. that you do have a disability immediately, however, to tell the other of all the information about your said disability, on the first date, may be pushing things a bit too quickly. I feel that type of personal information should be shared with one you are considering a "relationship" with, not with one you are merely dating.....if, in time, it seems that the dating will progress to a "relationship", then by all means, tell all the details so the other knows what he/she is getting into and they have the option of backing out, gracefully.
Thoughts? Feelings? Discuss....... | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/12/2007 7:08:14 PM | I don't think that there's one perfect answer to this question.
The timing to disclose a disability would vary on numerous factors.
-Nature of disability
-The 2 people involved
-The seriousness of their relationship
Should one disclose this information immediately No.
To most of the people that we'll casually meet in our lives, or who read our profiles on a dating site, or who we may exchange 1 or 2 emails with before forgetting about them, our complete medical histories are unimportant to them; and, in my opinion, none of their damn business.
wait until a "relationship" has developed I'd think that's too long to wait.
Depending on the nature of the disability, if it may effect a person's decision to have a relationship with the person, they likely deserve to know that before beginning the relationship.
Depending on the disability, I'd think it's best to reveal it to a person as soon as you'd feel comfortable telling them.
If you never feel comfortable enough with the person to tell them about the disability, then, (in my opinion) the person likely someone who you'd be suitable to in a relationship anyways.
I feel that type of personal information should be shared with one you are considering a "relationship" with, not with one you are merely dating I'd guess that depends on what a person's idea of "dating" is.
-If a person is merely going on casual dates, with people they'd have no intentions of getting serious with, then I'd see no real reason to reveal certain things to a casual date.
-On the other hand, I likely wouldn't "date" someone unless I was at least considering the possibility of a relationship with her, so I'd likely disclose the disability while dating, as I'd want the person to be aware of it if I were considering a relationship with her. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/12/2007 7:55:02 PM | I agree with someplace on many principles.
When you start talking with a person there is no need to disclose much personal info but after talking a bit with the person (lets say a couple weeks or so) and its becoming a real close friendship then I would say something. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/12/2007 10:03:59 PM |
most of the people that we'll casually meet in our lives, or who read our profiles on a dating site, or who we may exchange 1 or 2 emails with before forgetting about them, our complete medical histories are unimportant to them; and, in my opinion, none of their damn business.
I completely agree with this.....to most of those we happen to have casual exchanges with, it is none of their damn business.
if it may effect a person's decision to have a relationship with the person, they likely deserve to know that before beginning the relationship.
This is the point I was trying make, I guess I worded it wrong. lol I got a little flustered because, some on here, decided to vote this thread into deletion for being a "pity thread" and I lost sight of the reason why I was posting it in the first place. LOL
My point was, if the dating seems to becoming serious and is no longer casual dating, then, by all means, the other party has the right to know all the details about any disabilities. I think, the idea is to discuss, actually communicate with your prospective "other-half", in doing so, you will each know the others limits and or boundaries. If your prospective other does not feel he/she can cope with the said disability, that is their right. In that case, perhaps it's best to remain as friends, if both parties wish, if not, then move on. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/13/2007 2:13:44 PM | I also agree with most of what "Someplace" has said.
Depending on your disability.... If it is a missing limb, it should be addressed pretty quick. Before your first meet. Maybe only friendship will develope, or a romp in the sack now and then???? (Im shallow).
If its a mental thing... then I would personally like to know the nature of the disability before letting you know my address and home phone number. Suicidal people are likely to get the GONG as well as stalkers, cleptomaniacs and bi-polar people. I just cant deal with that shit.
Sexaholics are just about to get the GONG as well. But I may give it a few months trial first. LOL | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:46:33 PM | I think you should disclose it right away. I mean I remember this one time my friends and I were sitting around outside Roca Jacks and this dude came up and sat down at our table.
Now we could tell there was something wrong with him, but we didn't know what. So he starts talking about all these things and about his girlfriend and their relationship, all the while we're trying to figure the guy out. Finally after about a half an hour, he reveals that he's a recovering solvent sniffer which severely disabled his thought process. Now if he would have told us that right from the start, we probably would have remembered everything else he was talking about, but we couldn't focus because we were trying to figure out what caused his odd behaviour.
He was an all right dude. Never did see him again though. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/17/2007 2:01:33 PM | it,s my opinion only but i would agree as to when to disclose , i live with a disability and would not like the other person to just see me walking up to them on a first date without them knowing certain things about me, it can tend to dampen anotherwise good realationship real fast , if they know , then it would be up to them as to wiether they ever want to see you .
your still the same person but some minds are very narrow about certain things . it,s a kind of to each his or her own world , if they never take the chance of knowing the person then i say it,s thier loss and working with out a narrow mind is everyones gain. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/21/2007 8:41:34 PM |
If it is a missing limb, it should be addressed pretty quick. something like a missing limb, or a person confined to a wheelchair, is usually something that a person doesn't have to disclose in real life, since it's obvious.
But if you're meeting people through a dating site, I'd agree it should be disclosed as soonm as possible.
Nobody needs the awkward suprise of meeting their date for the 1st time and discovering that person show uop in a wheelchair or missing a limb.
Something like a mental illness, on the other hand, is a little different. Unlike a severe physical handicap, a mental illness may not be apparent. I may also carry a huge social stigma, and there's alot of negative misconceptions about some mental illnesss.
For many sufferes, facing the social stigmas, and misconceptions is a tough part of dealing with the disability.
I'd think that a person with such a disability, is likely best advised to not publicly broadcast it to everyone who they're getting to know through a site like this.
Instead the person should likely only disclose it to someone after they've decided that it's a person they'd be comfortable discussing it with. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 9/21/2007 8:59:57 PM |
Now we could tell there was something wrong with him, but we didn't know what. So he starts talking about all these things and about his girlfriend and their relationship, all the while we're trying to figure the guy out. Finally after about a half an hour, he reveals that he's a recovering solvent sniffer which severely disabled his thought process That's a situation slightly different from any others that were mentioned in the thread.
In this guy's case, it was apparently obvious he had a disability. However, it wasn't exactly obvious what the disability was.
I suppose that in that person's case, if he was looking a starting a relationship with someone, or dating someone, whoever he was interested in, would likely want to know what exactly was wrong with him, before beginning a relationship. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:38:32 AM | | I think that one should be open and forward when it comes to discussing a disability. Realistically, if you're up front about it, and somebody turns away from you for it, then you're better off, because then you don't get attached, only to tell them later on, and have them angry with you for hiding it from them. Plus, if they turn away off the bat, then you've weeded out someone who is non-tolerant, shallow, and who would likely end up hurting you anyways. That's just my take. I apply that principle to every aspect of meeting people. I put my character flaws out there, and if people like me, then that's awesome. If not, then no big loss. You can't lose friends/love interests that you never had to begin with, so really, what have you got to lose? | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 10/18/2007 8:53:08 AM | | Good day to you all.I just wanted to set the facts about your opinions straight.It is not obvious,a person has missing limbs. It is true about the social stigma people have regarding the disabled or handicapped society.You only have to come out to one social get- together or a night out,to see we are not all the same.I feel just the same as everyone else, and not one person would be able to pick out my disability, so to say it is obvious,tells me that you need to get out more and socialize with more P.O.F s. and it is the first stepping stone to a good relationship to be honest on the first date. Let them know all the facts about you, most of them , then run because they don't know or understand what you just said. You have to tell them on the first date, it is easier on you watching them scuttle away, and then you know that was not the person for you . I did not write this to be mean to anyone or for pity, just to say been there , done that, and I know the feelings .Len. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 10/18/2007 9:29:17 PM | | I believe that you should always be up-front about things. In not doing so you may be accused later of being dishonest and that is something you definitely do not want. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 10/19/2007 8:33:03 PM | | Good evening all...Im new to this site and do not have any puter knowledge but have come across this site with disabilities and it caught my eye. Im guessing most of the population would consider me having a disability.. I have no toes but i don't consider it a disability...im still the same person with toes or without... The outside is only a window to the inside and that's all that matters in my opinion. I don't think you should feel insecure or wonder about when to share this with someone...Do what your comfortable with..Go with your heart | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 10/21/2007 12:16:38 AM | I don't think a disability is a reason not to give someone an honest chance. I have a learning disability an have worked very hard to beat it. If a person is going to judge someone on the person they r because of a disability hell with them because when it comes down to it some of the smartest people around r people with disabilities. When u read a book is it the outside that catches your attention usually not. Its the inside. So for me I believe in disclosing a disability pretty quick. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 1/17/2010 8:15:18 PM | | I am so glad that I found this topic because I do have a mild disability and I have said so right on my profile.... Is this a good thing or bad thing? Should I change it? | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 2/7/2010 8:01:29 AM | Your profile is very good, Mike. You hinted that you have a certain physical disability and that is a great way of sharing that info.
Maybe a mental issue would not be as easy to suggest on a profile. For that kind of a disability it would be wiser to chat online for longer periods of time so that the other person might pick up on some of personality traits, like obsessions and immature behaviors, as well as needy people or whatever. Dont jump in with both feet, until you know how deep the water is. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 3/19/2011 2:16:26 AM | I have my disabilities listed right on my profile, which I'm beginning to think is a very bad idea. People read that I've had cancer twice, and survived, and don't bother to message me. That "C" word scares them away from even trying to get know who I am.
What are they afraid of.....that it's contageous? that I might get sick again, and they may have to put in some effort to be there for me? Oh, I know what it is....that I may get sick again and pass away while dating them. Well, let me just say....there are NO guarantees in life....I could be as healthy as a horse, step out on the street and get hit by a bus....and die. I've even read about heath concious people who go out jogging one morning and die of a heart attack. I'm sorry to say that we are all dying from the moment we take our first breath.
I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of not living each and every moment I have....and enjoying something each and every day. | |
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| Disabilities/When To Disclose (NOT A Pity Thread)
Posted: 4/15/2012 9:42:45 AM | As I posted when I was here last year, I did have all my "disabilities" listed on my profile. In doing so, the only messages I recieved were from people who wanted intimate encounters, people who wanted to "fix" me, or people telling me that it would be near impossible for me to find a date. So, I left POF for quite some time and did some heavy thinking, and enjoying my life, on my own. I do not have my disabilities listed now, but only because I am not actively seeking any relationship whatsoever....I'm here for the forums and friendships only.
To the person who posted above me, who may not still be here......
First, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you see as unattractive, someone else finds to be beautiful.
Second and Third.....being over-weight and being a smoker are NOT disabilities.
I may be slightly over-weight, and I may be a smoker, but at least I have compassion for others.....you do not. | |
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