| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:28:33 PM | Hi, as everyone knows by now, my GF of 2.3 years and I broke up 7 weeks ago. Her ultimate decision was "precipitated" by poor behavior on my part (nothing criminal or sleazy, I just got relationship lazy and self-centered, anyone else here ever do that)? Who knows, maybe she is 'dating' or hanging out with the EX EX BF from 10 years ago. Anyways someone said "If you do try and get her back, do something really fun and don't talk about serious stuff or rehash the past issues". So I got two tickets for the Harbor Tour Boat this Sat and she said "Yeah, that would be fun".
So how should I handle such a meeting/date/event. What would be good things to talk about, without appearing desperate or weird etc? I am not directly trying to get her back, just indirectly | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:36:05 PM |
I am not directly trying to get her back, just indirectly Either you are trying to get her back or you aren't, no middle ground there, no half a$$sed attempts, nothing but what it is.
Either way, just be honest with her and upfront with her and be prepared for her to tell you things you don't want to hear.. like "Sorry, we will NOT be getting back together." | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:48:09 PM | Dont over try, don't over analyse what to talk about or set your self up for expecatations all you are doing is setting yourself up for a let down. The two of you have a lot of history so just let the conversation flow naturally. It will come to you what to say and what to talk about.
Make up your mind if you want her back or not, you either do or you don't..however be caustious, she maybe bored right now and using you to fall back on to full fill her time....meantime misleading you into thinking the two of you are "trying to work things out" women have egos to and they do this sometimes with out even really knowing they are do it. Im not saying that is what she is doing, I am just saying be careful and protect your heart so you are not left looking like a fool or with more blame. Be realistic too, if the two of you have reached this point chances of it truely working out in the future probably wont happen. Confidence and trust in a solid stable relationship is vital, once that seed of doubt of planted it only grows and spreads and its almost impossible to do away with it. Good Luck | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 4:02:50 PM | Thanks, I understand what you two are saying. My motive is to show her I'm not all just about jealousy or insecurity or trying to get her back. It was one of those "loose ends" from the better days. I do want her back, I'm no hurry. I know she doesnt want to hear a bunch of heavy stuff now, heck, she didn't want to hear that in the two years we dated. Perhaps she agreed to go because she is the kind "who can't say no". We will see, wish me luck.
I must sound like all the other nutcases here in the broken hearts section, that I can tell them exactly what I think the reality is, but when its you (ie ME), ding dong ding dong....
I wrote: "I am not directly trying to get her back, just indirectly"
Carpe said: ""Either you are trying to get her back or you aren't, no middle ground there, no half a$$sed attempts, nothing but what it is"". What do folks think of that? Is there a middle ground or a slow way to get back together? I do want her back. (I've had 4 POF dates in 3 weeks, all wonderful ladies but I'm not over the ex yet).
Anymore? | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 7:44:54 PM | Hi Bill,
Like any other advice, "try it on like a jacket, if it fits, wear it; if it doesn't, discard it and walk away."
I would be straight-forward and clear that you love her and want her back... especially since the break up was precipated by your being self-centered. If you "hang-back" and are "face-saving cool" it might be interpreted as not willing to make sufficient effort.
It's a hard balance to get - you're back in the woo stages like early dating but have all this history under the bridge... both good and bad. I'd tend to side-step the negative stuff - that just tends to reinforce all the reasons she had for leaving in the first place. But you can't cleanly woo as if there WASN'T any history either.. that just feels awkward and surreal. Like you're "playacting" at being strangers.
Perhaps if you approach conversation from an "above the line" basis... any time there is a negative conversation thread, wrap it up quickly and drag the conversation "above the line" into positive territory. Talk about shared moments/history that is positive and fun. Rekindle and connect in the same way/reasons you guys fell in love in the first place.
Not sure if this is any help. I do wish you the very best Bill. | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 7:59:31 PM |
What would be good things to talk about, without appearing desperate or weird etc?
Say, as light-heartedly as you can, and with a slight smile, "See how slick I am, trying so subtly to worm my way back in to your good graces?" If nothing else, it'll be good for a laugh. 
!Les | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:07:32 PM | I understand your intent in the message when you say, "I am not directly trying to get her back, just inderectly". You want to bring back the fun you had in the beggining of your relationship without the drama from the end. AS you should cause thats where relationships are the best. Go on the harbor tour ahead of time, talk up the captain! You may want to bring a video camera or recorder to record interesting information. This way you wont be paying attention to the narration, you can think and you have some trivia in your pocket for conversation starters. Maybe slip the captain a $10 to include her name in the narration. If things get quiet, dont worry someone else is narrating the tour, if she's interested let her listen. You get out, what you put in.
I think the gentleman below was attemting to quote yoda by saying there is now half a** do it or dont (?) Yoda says, "There is no try, only do or do not".
If you're going to do it go into it with a plan, planning takes work and thought.
Fair winds and calm seas | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:25:05 PM | | ^^^ sounds like the best idea. Just ask how she feels without you basically. The ex is one for a reason ALWAYS. They say it is best to put the past behind you in order to look ahead. Op. If you weren't willing to work on the relationship it's easy to have hindsight on it and see why it fell apart, but I had an ex bf show up 10 months after I ended things as he was not willing to participate in the relationship (to put it mildly) and he said he would try harder and do more, but that was what he said when it was falling apart. Speaking from experience, the ex gf may see the trip as something fun to do and nothing more. She may be just taking advantage of the boat ride. I would not want an ex back, but try to start over with someone new and have a better outcome with the knowledge of what needs to be avoided the next time around. Why have the one that saw the negative side of this have that in the back of their mind instead again? | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:28:32 PM | Are you kidding me? If you guys broke up then leave it alone. Why is she going on a boat trip with you? Whya re you trying to fix what you did to spoil the relationship? Sounds like its kinda late for that.
Vacation with an Ex? How would you ever think that it would turn out well?
Just my angry, cynical, bitter 2 cents worth | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:36:32 PM | Just this week, I had a date with my ex. It had been 5 years since we were together.
I've recently been very sick and he has kept up with my progress, etc. We have continued to talk all this time......but just every now and then. I never burn bridges or have a lot of drama so remaining cordial is not a problem.
But I must tell you, the spark is either there or it is not. And it was not......and therefore,
any conversation was just blah. I can talk to anyone about anything. But when there is all that past there, you try so hard not to fall into those traps, that for me...it just became difficult. Good luck!
Becca | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:45:50 PM |
So how should I handle such a meeting/date/event. What would be good things to talk about, without appearing desperate or weird etc? I am not directly trying to get her back, just indirectly
Be honest, don't invest in the outcome, and be yourself. | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 9:57:01 PM | WHY did she agree to go with you?("Yeah, that would be fun")The motives on BOTH parts should be "in sync" or the whole thing will be a waste of time, unless you know it's going to 'end' in a certain,unspoken way....... then it's no better that a half-assed fwb thing... Have Fun! Talk! Be Honest! it's refreshing!   | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:40:13 PM |
I've had 4 POF dates in 3 weeks, all wonderful ladies but I'm not over the ex yet
OMG...PLEASE stay out of the pond until you are SURE you are over the ex!!!
OT: At least she can't run away from you on a boat. You're stuck with each other for the whole cruise.
Good Luck | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:26:17 AM | | You have to stand in her driveway holding a boom-box over your head playing that special song from when you first had sex. Then when she takes you back you have to go take her to visit her father in prison. And then you can fly somewhere and hold her hand as the plane takes off, because she is afraid. Or maybe you think your methods would work better than those of big Hollywood movie star and world-famous heart-throb, John Cusack. | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:36:16 AM | I am not directly trying to get her back, just indirectly
Then...
Her ultimate decision was "precipitated" by poor behavior on my part (nothing criminal or sleazy, I just got relationship lazy and self-centere...
So, which is it?
Are you wanting her back or aren't you?
It appears to me you're still in a, 'relationship lazy and self centred' mode and not willing to take responsibility for any 'make-up in the relationship?
Or, is this what you're after? | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:56:17 AM | """"You have to stand in her driveway holding a boom-box over your head playing that special song from when you first had sex. Then when she takes you back you have to go take her to visit her father in prison. And then you can fly somewhere and hold her hand as the plane takes off, because she is afraid. Or maybe you think your methods would work better than those of big Hollywood movie star and world-famous heart-throb, John Cusack."""
I am going to waste one of my "only allowed 10 messages per day" posts on Swampthingies idea. the Port of Olympia does control both the small airport, its popcorn machine, and the Harbor. But since we are on hot water, there wont be any zoom zoom jets flying the Spanish Flag at 1/2 mast. Has John Cusack had 4 POF dates in 3 weeks? I think NOT!!! Even if I am a tic ing time bum of repressed shexual behaviors.
Or is my basic problem I am just so immature and unserious (is that a whord, whats the opposite of unserious). Again, she would probably be and WOULD HAVE BEEN still around if I was cleaning up my house right now or filing my taxes from April 2006. But lets assume I am as normal and worthy as most POF members...
I like what the last lady said about having a good time not talking about old rehashed restentments or issues. Maybe I will bring a digicam and a kazoo to play her a song I wrote, want me to read it to, its kinda long....Thanks to all, Bill.
Seriously, after 8 weeks, only 2 causal phone calls from me, a couple of hellos through her portico, and I have no idea whats going on or not in her personal life, her being maybe more stubborn than any socially acceptable POF lady...ISN'T JUST A FUN "EVENT" ENOUGH TO BREAK THE ICE? or at least, make her look at me for 1/2 hour of torture?
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat this sat, what to talk about
Posted: 9/14/2007 8:28:31 PM | 15 hours from now is the big 1/2 hour Electric Boat Tour! I must say, of all the "future things to happen" this may qualify as the most unknown of all (except seeing my son born). I am doing my darndest to remain "totall positive" and stop going over and over in my head what "she did this and I did that" stuff.
IRISH EYES SAID: "Are you wanting her back or aren't you?
It appears to me you're still in a, 'relationship lazy and self centred' mode and not willing to take responsibility for any 'make-up in the relationship?
Or, is this what you're after?""
I do want her back. Any flaws I had were out in the open and not denied. two weeks earlier I had started seeing a counselor to help with getting organized, learning new routines, and spending less time on the internet. I don't think I recall her (or my exwife) ever apologizing for anything. Maybe a couple little things. Seriously.
We always gave each other "a lot" of space. One big date nite every week, and maybe a dinner or movie date. I would mention once in a while "Hey, if you are going grocery shopping after work pick me up and we can split the bulk items" Stuff like that. I called her once a day at work to say "Hi, hows it going, I love you" (maybe she wanted more conversation than that) and she would call me nearly every evening or the next morning to tell say hi or something she read in the paper or how cute her cat is.....
So, I want to give her an hour or so (including a homemade sandwich lunch afterwards) to enjoy the boat was her idea 3 months ago. I am not going to be the one (I sure intend not to) to rehash old tapes. Maybe "she will have something to say" but probably not huh guys? if it was good, I'd think two months is long enough to "rethink things" or apologize. If its "an explanation" or some closure, I dont foresee her doing much talking about that...Its frustrating. | |
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| Taking EX GF on Harbor Tour Boat Saturday - Great Day it was!
Posted: 9/16/2007 4:58:15 PM | The boat tour and our little lunch and sharing the next hour was great! I was awed by what she had to say. Her cat even told her to call me later that nite. So I have written her a short poem:
If for some reason you don't love me tomorrow
I'll always remember how you loved me yesterday. | |
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| Update: got back with EX GF afterTour Boat date last year...rest of the story
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:08:44 PM | """Hi, as everyone knows by now, my GF of 2.3 years and I broke up 7 weeks ago. Her ultimate decision was "precipitated" by poor behavior on my part (nothing criminal or sleazy, I just got relationship lazy and self-centered, anyone else here ever do that)? Who knows, maybe she is 'dating' or hanging out with the EX EX BF from 10 years ago. Anyways someone said "If you do try and get her back, do something really fun and don't talk about serious stuff or rehash the past issues"""
I wrote that last September. Most of you gave good advice, plus I'm pretty smart, handsome, and a great kisser...The ex GF and I got back together after the Electric Harbor Boat Tour in Olympia. Read on if you want....
After our casual boat tour, there was a fantastic feeling of being together again, though it was too early even to kiss. I did put my hand on hers as we sat for lunch on a bench talking, apologizing, almost crying and eating whatever she wanted, as long as it was a refried chicken or a low sodium ham sandwich I made, and tea in a thermos.
We had a bit of "chit chat" about what we did wrong (mostly me). While she said "I don't think I am the kind of woman you want, but I do love you too" etc. Perhaps I wasn't listening closely; the renewed infatuation, touching and hand holding was so great. We agreed to "think about it" and see each other in a few days. Things were "good" until December...my house was still a mess ( but I was getting new carpet put in). I would always help out around her "new" house to "make up for it" painting, etc. Why I even bought her a high efficiency front load washer...what woman shouldn't be smitten with that (it was on clearance at Lowes for $175 after rebates)...
Anyways, she was busy with her new little house she bought...and I'm gonna fill in more "how come love never lasts " details later, since I need to be at work....but long story short. WE BROKE UP AGAIN in Dec because of my messy house she says.
And again, Bill waits 3-5 weeks of no contact, then calls her with an awesome date idea this time to see the J Depp movie "Sweeney Todd", and she loved it and we got back together....and then on May 5 after our 2year 11 month anniversary dinner...she called it off. At least this time I was home when she tried to tape the note to the back door. IT WAS THE SAME EXACT NOTE I THINK FROM BEFORE, she copied it over to save time I believe...more later if you're interested. | |
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| Update: got back with EX GF afterTour Boat date last year...rest of the story
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:48:52 AM | OP,
I'm sorry, but you need to STOP, if you haven't already. Trying to get back together once, I could possibly see, but three times? Why would you want to be with someone who breaks up with you for stupid reasons? From what I see, you're the one who is making all the effort here. It seems like this woman has you on some kind of guilt trip--that everything that went wrong is your fault and you have to make up for it? For how long? Sounds to me like she is just keeping you on a line to get stuff from you, then dumps you when she gets bored with you.
You know the definition of stupidity, right...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Stop doing this to yourself and stay away from this person--she said it herself--she's not the kind of woman you want. She sees it, why don't you? All the "infatuation" in the world is not going to keep a relationship together. Relationships have to grow and change; you can't keep relying on old feelings to hold you afloat.
Please.....stop trying to make things work. Because you're only going to get hurt again. | |
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| Update: got back with EX GF afterTour Boat date last year...rest of the story
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:23:16 AM | Maybe she likes the drama....Sounds like you really jump to be creative when you think she is breaking up with you....Let me think...Memorial Weekend is coming...A 3 day holiday weekend for lots of people...Wonder what you could come up with for that occasion...Sounds like a fun challenge to me...Oh, and my birthday is tomorrow..Saturday, May 17th...I am available to test drive any plans...hahaha..Just kidding...Wish you all the best.. | |
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