| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:55:59 PM | i need help! im stuck in a rut here and i dont know how to even begin a new relationship with someone, its been so long but im embarrassed about my sons disability. you c i had him when i was 20 brought him up on my own since he was 1 and half when i parted from his dad, he was jealous and violent towards me. but when he was born one of his testicles hadnt dropped so when he was 4 the hospital operated on him to remove it from his abdomin cuz it was checked and didnt develope properly needed to be removed. but thats not the embarrassing issue here! since the operation he refused to go to the toilet to do his 'no. 2's' and insisted on holding it in, he would hide from me about the house then id find him standing with his legs crossed shaking, not wanting to let it come out as it hurt too much. i kept going back to the hospital about it as it was getting out of hand as it was comin out anyway, in his pants!! which he also hid from me around the house. it took the hopital 1 yr before they would heed my cries after sending us to a psycologist all that time to see if it was a behavioural problem, but by then it was too late, he ended up with chronic constipation and has been soiling himself since, hes 14 now and still does it. :(
He gets medication daily to soften it to make it easy to pass but it just causes diarea, i had to leave my job as he kept gettin sent home from school and i havnt worked since and i miss it. when he was 7 i met my childhood sweet heart again after he spents years in the army, thot things were great, that hed understand and be supportive but eventually he became very intolerant of him and started calling him disgusting names and stuff cuz of his condition and i had to leave him, altho by the time it got to that extent i was 3 months pregnant with his child. he gave me the ultimatum.... its us and our child, without your son, send him to live with his dad, or im outa here. so i told him not to let the door hit him on the way out! lol
now to get to my point... since iv had my second child i havent been with anyone since, its been almost 7 yrs now but im embarrased about what a new man would think of my son. i hate even having to explain it to people over and over worried of how they would react. i never go out, iv no one who wants to babysit or they have babies of their own, my family dont support me, they blame me saying i never toilet trained him properly etc. which is not the case. i love my kids i always put them first but i feel as tho im letting my life slip away. im really lonely but i freak out at the first bit of attention that comes my way, it may sound cruel but i am really embarrased about it, please if theres anyone out there who has a child with the same prob and is single parent can you plz get in touch, or any opinion from men on this would be helpful, be honest dont hold back i need to know what my options are lol | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 2 | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:25:21 PM | | thats exactly my point! i dont waste my time on them then! hense 7 yrs single?? but im fed up feeling like im bein punished because of somethin i have no control over. condemed to be celebit and single and cant carry on living this way lol | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:25:53 PM | i actually agree with pucks..people who dont have compassion enough to understand your sons problem dont deserve you and most importantly dont deserve your son..
you shouldnt be embarassed over his disorder, you should be proud of yourself and him for facing this problem together..one day he'll get older and thank you for your support with this problem and love you all the more for it.. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:30:52 PM | There was just recently a family on the Dr. Phil show that had two kids that suffered from this disease. And yes, they looked at it as a disease. Dr. Phil said that they children had never developing properly due to lack of use and pyschological reasons (as you stated-at one time painful at a young age...decided they didn't want the pain no more...so more poo's). The kids on the show weren't even aware when it came out of them and they were immune to the scent. Go to his website and see if you can find it. There may be some suggestions there as to how to help your son.
As far as finding someone who can tolerate that.....well its going to have to be one heck of an understanding guy! Its not a common disease...so many will think its intentional and lets face it, it certainly isn't a pleasant environment. But I'm sure there is someone out there who will be willing to love you despite this unpleasant situation.
I would suggest that you see if you can find help for your son. What you are doing doesn't seem to be working. Check if there are local support groups where you can meet other people who are going through the same things. You need people that are going to support you. Do as much research as you can and try to educate your family more and drum up their support. At the age of 14 this must be just as embarassing for your son and he probably would like it cured just as much as you do. Good Luck to you!! | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:38:11 PM | NEVER BE EMBARRRASSED OF YOUR CHILD.
He has a bonified medical condition. His condition makes it very hard on all three of you. As a man, the father of your second child is a COMPLETE A$$!! You can consider yourself lucky he is out of your home.
My children are healthy and I thank god for that. I do have a severely handy capped nephew. My sister was a single mother with him. He requires MUCH more work then you have. She found a great guy who loves her son like his own. They have been married for 8+ years now. There are real men out there. Sorry, Ireland is so far away!
Keep your chin up. There are dirt bag men in this world and No offence Ladies!! Just as many dirt bag women!! There is someone out there!!!  | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:40:57 PM | | thx for that luv, you can understand the reality of it, its a very smelly condition and yes my sons the same he cant tell when it comes out or smell it just like those kids, i have to prompt him often about it. wouldnt even go near public transport anymore either!! big no no!! yet my sons says he doesnt care about it as he gets on like its not a problem, he goes to clinic every month for reviews weve had a lot of help over the years but its got to the point where its all in his head hes the only one who can do something about it, doctors can do no more than what they are already doing. well im hoping when pruberty kicks in he will get a reality check and want to change his attitude towards it. hes too young for me too explain to him that no girl would want to put her hands down his pants to get a feel and find poo there, i feel sorry for him, but now im gettin down about it, cuz its affecting me too and our relationship/bond. il check out dr phil thx for that. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:47:15 PM | | hey, i completely understand where you are coming from because......my daughter has bowel incontinence as well and thats what they call it. it is not a psychological thing, it is due to trauma at a young age like surgery. in my daughters case her surgery took away all felling she has in regards to #2. and its hard she is only 8, and things are getting better but i have taken her to several drs and still not done with this avenue. and i have found that diet, exercise and WATER help better than lactalose or other stool softeners. i also have her on a strict schedule and work with her school in keeping her in school and not having to come home due to this problem. at school she is taken out of class every hour to try going to the bathroom, she also has a private bathroom, shared with another student wiht the same problem, where they house extra clothes for the children and wet wipes ect. to clean up with. if the school is constantly sending him home they should recognize a health probem and try to work wiht you reffereing you to community resources that will help you to find a solution to the problem and be an advocat to help you resolve the issue. feel free to e-mail me if you would like to ask more questions, i will answer to the best of my ability. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 7:15:06 PM | a guy who does not want to deal w/that is not necessari;y a scumbag/dirtbag or any other name people on here will throw around, it just means he is a guy who does not want to deal w/that situation. Especially if it's not his kid, i mean if you have a hard time dealing w/it and his dad has a hard time dealing w/it; why would you think a guy who isn't connected to him WOULDN'T have a hard time dealing w/it.
don't take this the wrong way; but that is your child u will be more tolerant and willing to work through this, u have gone through this w/ur son and he is your son. Someone who has limited knowledge of your son won't have the tolerance or understanding; an the person you meet won't have the attachment to u to try to ride it out especially initially.
i don't ever bash a guy or girl for not wanting to deal w/a situation; esp when they are honest enough to express that and leave instead of lying and pretending they are ok w/it or playing a role long enough to get some sex and then bounce. You should appreciate the guys honest and realixe they aren't the right fit and keep it movin.
now the answers everyone is giving are good and valid; but they don't address your problem, as u wonder how and when u will find someone who loves and accepts you as a mother of two, with one child who has a condition that is stressful and embarassing. Most people have a hard ime dealing w/babies who have accidents; adults have a real hard time dealing w/kids who are past a certain and have the same prob. Having worked w/kids who have these problems; i could deal w/it, but alot of people can't or just won't cus its too much trouble...or they perceive it as too much trouble.
its just gonna take time...patience....an alot of luck to come across this guy; im sure u will have a good..no great guy; but like anything else it will take time.
good luck...god bless- i will pray for u because you seem like such a good hearted strong minded woman;-) | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 7:38:28 PM | Tara....after searching endlessly on the Dr. Phil site...I finally found the one show that I was talking about....I know its against the rules to post a link but I hope that the mods will let this one slide since its for the sake of helping a child. I couldn't email it to you due to your restrictions.
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/916
Potty Training Tweens and Teens?
Doug and his wife, Beth, have two sons plagued with encopresis — an inability to properly go to the bathroom. The couple says they’ve tried everything to get their 9- and 15-year-olds fully toilet trained, but the smell and laundry costs are tearing this family apart.
I hope that this helps you and I hope that someday you can find someone special to share your life with! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/12/2007 8:33:01 PM | Hello from accross the pond from hot and muggy florida...........i just wanted to tell you that i think you are a GREAT MOM.......a lot of people would have just "institutionalized" your son and i too am the mother of a severly handicapped child.....he is almost 18, cannot do anything for himself and is totally dependant on others for EVERYTHING. he is not, nor he ever be toilet trained, but is in diapers. as my son had grown, it has been harder and harder to have a social life, but i do try to go out at least once or twice a month. some have told me, "life is so much easier if you put him in a group home" but my philosophy on that has always been: "over my dead body"......lol.....i don't know what kind of services you have in Ireland, but i do hope that you can find some one who can take care of your son a few times a month so that you can get out......it makes us better parents when we have some time for ourselves.
i even posted on my profile, a pic of my son and i, with him in his wheel chair....and someone told me i should take it down that it "might scare guys off" and my response to that was "GOOD, that's the point....this is a package deal and if they can't deal with him, they can't deal with me.....". and believe me, there have been lots that couldn't, including his own father.
at anyrate, my dear, i just wanted to give you a big hug and a pat on the back for being such a good MOM and putting your son FIRST........we all have to make sacrifices but it's all worth it in the end. i hope that episode of dr.phil helps..............i think i will check it out just because it's a disorder that i had never heard of. Good luck to you and your kids and happy fishing !! Wolfie34761  | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:13:45 AM | | i know i shouldnt use this place as a chat room but i had to reply to your statment. i dont judge anyones personal problems that they may have at home be it kids or whatever, our problems are all personal to us as individuals, greater or smaller. my son may not be mentally handicaped or bound to a wheel chair, which i know is harder to deal with, im just asking for advice and comments on my own personal dilema. is that a crime!!?? and obviously there are people here who know how it feels, so the way i see it if your gonna say something bad, dont say nothing at all. and stop judging what you know nothing about. I asked for opinions i didnt ask to be insulted! :( | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:39:46 AM | I cannot give you medical advice re: your son, however, what stands out to me is how you're reacting and angrily, too.
well im hoping when pruberty kicks in he will get a reality check and want to change his attitude towards it. hes too young for me too explain to him that no girl would want to put her hands down his pants to get a feel and find poo there, i feel sorry for him, but now im gettin down about it, cuz its affecting me too and our relationship/bond.
Look, I am not judging you - it's not my place, but I have read your other comments etc, and feel your frustration, but I cannot help, too, that your son is also feeding off your emotions. You come across; you're blaming the boy for your lack in dating/social life.
I have no doubt he's feeling terribly embarrassed about the entire situation, however, he is in need of a very understanding mother, one who won't say things like, "explain to him that no girl would want to put her hands down his pants to get a feel and find poo there."
Not only is this demeaning, but it opens him up to more ridicule, but any reproachful remark from you or any other person, will certainly assist in destroying his esteem. A concern is also, you're feeling down and upset.
I would be interested in knowing if you have had any counselling or outside professional help in dealing with your emotions/feelings toward this and how it would assist you to live a more positive life.
I do wish you well.
PS: I am from Lurgan originally. DO get some help for yourself. It will relieve some pressure off you! | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:20:40 AM | | omg! i said that about his puberty because eventually reality will kick in!!! we have to face facts here! when he was young i helped him, but now hes older he wants privacy in the loo, but hes lazy, he doesnt care about his problem, he also has opositional defiant behaviour which was found after he was tested for adhd as his behaviour was getting out of control but im not gettin into that. he even said i want it to go away more than he does, im just trying my best to help him. he cant be trusted as he says hes going to the loo to try but then i find he hasnt even bothered he just wastes time in there pattering about. listen i can see the bigger picture here! he cant. the doctors say only he can help himself now by going to the loo as often as posible, while i deal with everything else to help him. its not a life condition it can be healed if he sticks to the program!!!! omg! wish you few people would stop with all this, hes not what im asking advice on! hes being cared for very well and has my support but he needs to chip in aswell now at his age thats why i mentioned about our bond. maybe you should read my first statement and stop bein so narrow minded, i am not venting my anger at him, i was angry cuz of a statement a girl said about why im even fretting about it, like it was no big deal! my question is a personal one for me, it doesnt mean im being selfish, just that im finding life very lonely, i need some affection too, for me. something which until now iv never spoken to anyone about. and yes weve had councelling, psycotherapists, support groups etc, concentrating on him always. for the first time in 10 yrs im thinking about myself and my sanity, i have a life too. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:21:55 AM | | DON'T BE EMBARRASSED>>THAT IS YOUR CHILD..never put any man over your child..please...just be yourself..and the child can be mentioned but don't go into what is wrong with him...wait and see if this is the man you get engaged to...wait to tell about your son......live..have fun with a man or the men you date and wait ....no one need know until up are engaged to be married to a man....ten talk about your son.............and please your son can't help it..there are tons of men out there that sdo NOT care if your son has some problems....so not to worry! If a man has a problem with it...dump him..you need a man that excepts you and your son...I bet after he falls for you..your sons health won't even matter....take care.... | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 4:16:32 PM | My son had this conditions...its called encyncrpetious ...or something like that...lol
its caused from when your toilet training them..it hurts...so they hold it in. Thier colon gets stretched and the "signal" to go no 2 is none existent.
My son is now 18 and is good. Though his colon is still stretched and his no 2's are HUGE...
He finally got a hold on the problem when he was about 12. It seems like with your son a part of his problem of not caring is his ODD. That can make it tough.
You need to start not being embarassed about it. Its a disease like any other. and your family to not be suportive is crazy. You should go back to work...I understand the issue of having to go to his school etc. But he's 14 let him take the consequences with it as well. He should be able to go home on his own. refuse to clean his clothes...he will get the message. Even though this is a disease, its curable. A part of that cure is having him understand that its NOT clean...and its HIS problem...and he CAN do something about it. That is what got through to my son. From when he was young enough to do it..he washed his own soiled clothes and bum. I always sent an extra pair of clothing to school and the school knew the issue.
if you would like to know more..email me here... | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 4:43:47 PM | As far as trying to start dating again; maybe I can help. The first woman I dated after my marriage failed was with a woman who had an autistic child. Her son's favorite two things to do was clap his hands and scream in a high pitched squeal. How we got to know each other was with her finding a baby sitter while we got to know each other. She told me of her sons condition then started inviting me over to her house and I got to see first hand what a day in her life was like. She is an awesome mother, a great person and I have a great respect for her. I got close to her and her son while we were dating and still visit them once in a while.
If you find a man YOU consider worthy then try dating while your son is with a babysitter. If it looks like you might want that man in your life then fill him in on your sons condition. If the man is worth having he will only want to be supportive concerning your family. If it turns him away he wasn't worth keeping anyway. Well that's my two cents... good luck  | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 4:56:19 PM | | Hello: Please do not ever be embrassed of or for your child, if a man can not come to terms that you have an ill child then he is not worthy of you. I feel your pain and I know that it can get frustrating but please dont give up..Best Luck to you and I hope that you find that special someone that can accomadate you and your child give him a hug for me..... | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:35:29 PM | OP:
I advised you the best I could and admittedly said I could not advise medically.
However, I did note your frustration and suggested some options for YOU.
You in turn were rude and lashed out.
I can see again, why your son may have issues here as stated before, if this is the way you lash out at him, too.
Stating a sexual remark about ANY girl wanting to put their hand down his pants and finding 'poo' is hardly what I would call reassuring nor is it a way to build any esteem.
When you're asking for advice on-line, you do open yourself up to many retorts.
No need to have a puerile response. | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 5:46:03 PM | I was with a woman who's son had Turrets. He was only 7 when diagnosed and he is now 10.
It killed me seeing him like this.
If somebody in your life wants to commit.....UNCONDITIONALLY, then he accepts the entire package.......UNCONDITIONALLY
THATS IT THATS ALL................
If it persists to discomfort him, the maybe he should grow up and put himself in the other shoes.
The other option, which is the choice I chose, was to educate oneself with the matters at hand. This can be very insightful and will better your understanding of why this has occurred, " Its not His fault ", and now how to guide yourself and all those involved thru it.
I hope this helps, based on my experience it helped me significantly, and has made me a much more patient and understanding individual.
Marky44  | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 7:12:24 PM | I'm so sorry to hear your problem! I feel so sorry for your son. He must be very embarrassed. What a difficult problem to have.
Be hopeful! My daughter has had a problem with #2 for three months now. It's a very difficult problem to deal with. Sometimes it takes her three hours eliminate. She had the emergency enima at the beginning of June. She'll sit there, in pain or do the crossed leg thing. Sometimes she just poos in her sleep because that's when she's relaxed. Other times I think we are almost through the worst, but them she has an accident again. For her, it's more psychological than physiological, but who knows. I've been giving her privacy in the bathroom, and letting her sit there as long as she wants, and it's really helping alot. I've also treat the problem gently, and don't get upset about it ... even though it's a lot of extra wash.
Follow professional advice.
About you. A man who really cares about you will be able to give you and your son all the privacy and personal space needed. There will come a day when you have to explain to your son, that you need to share your personal space and time with a man. Try not to make too many rules about how things should be for you and a future man that you don't even know. It may be that you are actually using your kids as a shield against having an intimate relationship. Perhaps you can take responsibility for how you feel. It's not the kids, that are making you feel that your life is slipping away. That's you. And, just because you don't have a traditional relationship with one man should you be lonely. The happier you are, the easier it is going to be for your son to let that #2 slip away gladly. Forget about his problems for awhile, go out and have fun.
Cheers,
Lonemonkey | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/13/2007 7:20:52 PM | Hey,
Celibacy is your choice. And so is condemnation. And, living single is no more difficult than living with someone, it's all how you look at it. Your choice of the word punishment is your own too. Maybe you should lighten up a little, because your kids sense everything that you are going through. You have to make changes for youself. You can do it!! | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:48:17 PM | | any man whi is interested in you for you and genuinely likes you will understand and support you . He will also not make an issue of it dont be affraid to get involved with someone just chose the right moment to tell them | |
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| have a child with embarrasing illness and want a love life
Posted: 9/14/2007 1:55:09 PM | speakin as a man i will say that i personally would rather go out with a lady whose child had this problem than one whose child was spoilt rotten and whose behaviour was beyond control
if some one i wanted to be with had a problem like this it would not put me off her - i dont think im a special person - so there must be other men out there who would think the same as i do
so my advice is to keep looking for the man of ya dreams and if he is a man with decency and other values then he will understand | |
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