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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:43:31 AM | Here is the situation:
I met a girl online (different site) about 6 months ago. (Before anyone flips out about why I'm on POF when I have a GF, read my profile. I'm here for the forums ONLY.) I was honest upfront that I am a very independent and introverted person, and that I need and enjoy time by myself. She said she understood, and at first it seemed okay.
This has since become THE major sticking point of our relationship. So I guess my question is how much "alone" time is reasonable to expect in a long term, committed relationship?
I personally find that I need at least one full day a week (including the night) to be by myself. Keep in mind, I'm not doing anything "wrong" when I'm by myself. Usually I'm just playing disc golf, fishing, or laying around my house watching TV. It isn't like I'm going to the bars or strip clubs or anything.
She feels this is way too much. Her argument is that if I don't have anything else planned, or something specific to do I should want to be with her. She equates wanting to be by myself with not wanting to be with her, which I think are 2 totally different things. She also thinks that I should get my "time away from her" while I'm at work (of course, she calls me several times a day when I'm working) or on business trips (I'm gone on average about 2-3 nights/month.) She doesn't understand or agree with my point that this is not alone time, because I'm at my boss' beck and call.
We just got into this again because after seeing her every single day for over 2 weeks straight, I'm spending two nights by myself. She is upset because over the remainder of the month, I have 2 business trips (6 days, total.) Her argument is that these trips are my "time away." To me, these trips are exhausting as I'm an introvert and I have to spend the whole time interacting with and being around people I don't know.
Am I being unreasonable? Any ideas on how to effectively communicate this to her?
Sometimes, I just need to be by myself, and not have to answer to someone else! | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:50:29 AM | | As a person that values independence and alone time, I would find that very smothering. You are not unreasonable and she is being very needy and controlling. You need time to recharge in a solo environment and she needs to respect that as part of who you are. If she can't, I would seriously rethink the relationship. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:02:29 AM | | No matter how intense a relationship is, a person has to have a certain amount alone time. How much we need is a personal matter, to be determined by the person themselves. Humans are deemed to be social animals, meaning that they function better in a group. But just as in any animal group, individuals have to be a lone at one time or another. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:11:16 AM | | One day a week and that is too much? Yikes... Unless you live together (which it doesn't sound as if you do) then I don't understand why you even have to explain yourself. But if you are happy with her then that is all that matters. I don't see how you can communicate this to her-it sounds like she doesn't get it... When does she find the time to clean, do laundry, facials, manicures, pedicures, hang out with her girl friends, etc? She could be doing all that (or whatever else she likes/needs to do) when you are taking your alone time. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:11:23 AM | I don't think you're being unreasonable.
For most women, if you were to reverse the situation, you'd be borderline stalker, ya know?
I'm not introverted, but I'm not lonely when I'm alone. The one weekend a month when my kids aren't here is something I really look forward to. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:11:38 AM |
Am I being unreasonable?
Not at all. People have varying levels of need for alone time; you just happen to need more of it than she does.
Any ideas on how to effectively communicate this to her?
I generally let the other person know that I'm a lot more pleasant to be around if I'm getting sufficient time to myself. If I don't get enough of it, I tend to get kind of cranky, and that's not good. I've seen myself pull away from the other person when they get too clingy and don't give me time to myself. And when one person pulls away, the relationship suffers. So having sufficient time to myself is GOOD for the relationship, while not having enough is BAD for the relationship. Explain it to her that way, and then ask her -- what's her choice? Does she want to support something that is good for the relationship, or does she want to insist on something that's bad for the relationship?
Good luck. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:14:57 AM | Hello,
My marriage fell apart over just that kind of issue...
He never stopped looking for a surgeon to connect us at the hip ...
I had to beg him to spend time with... HIS FRIENDS...
and even then, I would always get a phonecall halfway thru the evening...
I am like you and I need my space. I am divorced now and happily living on my own and while I am not adverse to a relationship, it certainly will NOT be a live-in one.
Best of luck to you both, but having been there, not sure if you can make this work.
I certainly couldn't, sorry!
CG | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:15:28 AM | Im not really one that likes to give relationship advice,... however, there are a few basic "NEEDS" .... that we all have. And yes, its a NEED not a desire or want. Hey I need my time as much as i need to eat sleep or breath. I cannot function , or be myself if i am deprived of that. If this relationship has a future, then she should be understanding of that. If this woman is going to love you, for a lifetime, she should respect and not question your needs.
Agreed that forever does involve sacrafices (made by both partners) ...but when you give up necessities.. you kinda give up "living".
Dont be so quick to chalk her up as insercure, or controlling.. just dont give up what you truely need. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:15:30 AM | You are being upfront with her and are not being in the least bit unreasonable because like you, I need my alone time too. Tell her again, and if she cares, she will accept it. If not....oh well, her loss.
Best to you OP! | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:21:03 AM | If she doesn't already understand your need for "me time", she never will. If you don't understand her need for togetherness, you never will.
Neither of you are being unreasonable. Each of you are expressing a need. It appears that you and she have different needs from a partner. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:22:05 AM | It would appear the one being unreasonable is her. Just because she needs to be around someone 24/7 doesn't mean all humans are like that.
Either she needs to accept you the way you are, or she needs to find someone that is as clingy and needy like she is.
But if you were to elevate this relationship and live together, how would you find this quiet time that you need? Would you start up golf, running, cycling?
I totally understand where you are coming from. There are days that you just don't want to look at or hear another human being. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:23:24 AM | I do not view you as unreasonable at all.
If anything, the woman you're seeing is most insecure - not a pretty trait, but still, has no need to unleash the past of her 'insecure' history upon you. This can unfortunately become quite toxic in a relationship.
The lady you're seeing should be able to respect your boundaries, too.
I LOVE my quiet time, peace to myself, able to do things the way *I* want, when and how.
I do think it important for any couple to have their 'alone' time and do what makes them happy be it friends, hobby etc. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:26:55 AM | | OP: I would tell your gf , how can I miss you if you don't go away? I mean, time apart can make the heart grow fonder. It seems she is needy and clingy by objecting to ONE day apart. I have household obligations and couldn't take a now ex bf that wanted me to come over EVERY day. It drove me up the wall, to be there to just watch tv with him. I could do that by myself and get housework done in the process also. Sounds like she's codependent or has trust issues. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:26:56 AM | | To me, this is just another example of why introverts and extroverts aren't a good match. She'll feel neglected because you're in your own little world and you'll feel drained because she needs more interaction than you want to give. | |
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B.Ann
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 17 | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:34:46 AM | OP....you are not being unreasonable. I am not in a relationship right now, and don't want one either. I am like you, except I need more alone time than you do. I love my own company, and love being alone/by myself. I enjoy solitude a great deal, I love being in the woods as well.
I am an aquarian, very independant, have a good balance of introvert/extrovert in me. I hate "feeling" smothered by anyone, male or female!
Time for you to make a decision for you. Good luck. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:37:44 AM | | I don't think you're being unreasonable, most everyone needs that personal time to themselves. Even if you just sit and stare at a wall, it's nice to be without other intrusions into your brain. What you need to figure out, and not meaning your ready for marriage, but - if you need to spend the whole day AND night alone, what would you do if you were married? Not too many spouses will be tickled pink when you pack an overnighter and head to the Ramada once a week. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:39:28 AM | I know her!!! She used to be my Ex Wife!!
I myself don't understand "Me" time. I've always had to have someone around me. I do take about an hour each day out for myself to relax and reflect. But that is me. However I was also in a controlling marriage at one time and it could be that I learned to settle for a moment each day. Although playing golf or fishing I like to have at least one other with me so if I catch anything I have a witness.
But I had this Ex Wife that wouldn't let me go out with any of my Army buddies. Not that I'd blame her some needed watching. However, she would fuss when I tried to get her to go with me. We'd play games and our wives were welcomed to join us in what ever we choose to play. Mine was... "But I want us time." She wanted every single night or weekend to be around herself. I had to cater to her. However she'd take "Me" time. She'd go out with a girlfriend shopping or something... or so she always said. After 13 years of knowing her I learned not to believe everything. I hated Cell Phones and refused to get them. Sure enough if I had one she'd call me constantly. Mind you this was during the marriage. And often I think she was checking up on me. So I kept my phone off. I'd turn it on long enough to see if she needed me to pick up something on the way home.
So here is something to think about, "Your woman is this controlling now, can you imagine how much more so she will be controlling when you marry?"
I myself wouldn't trust a woman that was that controlling, it hints at mistrust. And often I find that Mistrust is reverse play. Meaning often it hints of a Woman that is cheating on you behind your back. I base this Assumption on 3 women. I had two friends with controlling women, they caught both of theirs cheating... And yes, I caught my controlling woman cheating on me too. They figure if they keep full tab on you and full control that they'll know where you are at all the time and you can't cheat on them.
So my suggestion would be, "Look at the red light and RUN."
But if you really care about the woman, "Offer her 1 Chance of keeping the relationship." Ask her to go into some sort of Couples Counseling so you both can adjust to each other and learn how to deal with the small things. And also to teach her to not be so possessive. She needs to learn to back off some.
A lot of women don't realize that they can be too smoothering. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:40:53 AM | | IMHO I used to be that kind of a woman too. Since recent experiences, I too need down time. Alone time just for me. Even if it's just doing nothing important. And sometimes it's with the girls. I too come on POF for the forums and never care if I find a date on here. The forums are enough for me as if I really want to date I can find one on my own with no problem. Your g/f may never change and by arguing with her this means that the both of you are expecting the other to change. Personally, I would put it as polite as possible and let her know this is just how YOU are and if she cannot accept it then she needs to find someone else more suited for her. I would certainly not change myself for wanting some down time for me. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:47:37 AM | Dude,
Men need men time as women need girl time. What it sounds to me is that she is way too controlling, slightly insecure and moving too fast. I've seen many relationships fail because they ended up smothering each other. So tell her that you need your guy time. Now, that can be spend any way you want and it's defined not by her, but by you. If during that time all you want to do is go around and scratch your balls, that should be your choice. I for instance hang out at our bike shop one night a week. It is guy time, women are not welcome and if they come they will be treated with absolute disrespect since nobody will stop their cussing and rude language.
It is the very same principle of girls night out, it is very important to them and a guy should be happy they do that even when they flirt with other guys and have a good time. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:05:16 AM | Every relationship is unique, but there is one commonality among relationships that allow us to express unconditional love for each other - and that is that we allow the other to be themselves. When we enter into a relationship, we are not appointing the other as a scriptwriter to re-write our character in order to more closely conform to what they would like us to be.
I don't know, OP, it seems that there are much deeper issues going on here with your girlfriend's insistence on you playing the 24/7 role she seems to have written for you. Of course you already know your need of one day of "alone time" is not unreasonable, and that's been confirmed by everyone who has posted on this thread. Perhaps the question that the two of you need to discuss is why she is seemingly so unwilling to listen to you and to respect your oft-stated need. Is this her own personal mythology, that something is wrong in a relationship if the two are not together every moment outside of work? From where did that mythology develop? Is that something she is willing to examine, and perhaps let go of? - and instead work together with you to create your own unique and beautiful relationship?
To that end, is there any way to reconcile her need for constant companionship and your need for time by yourself? Are there other aspects of the relationship that trouble her, things that you could address without compromising your basic needs? A conversation like this doesn't need to have a resolution per se; maybe just the effort to explore this on a deeper level will open up a new level of awareness for both of you. | |
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| Smothering, personal time, and am I being unreasonable?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:12:08 AM | I think you have the wrong girlfriend. She obviously SAID it was ok when it obviously isn't ok... with HER.
You are who you are and need to find someone that suits your style. She's not it and it's only going to get worse.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.... I just think it's a matter of a mis-match. | |
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