| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:21:43 AM | I have been seeing a single mother for about two years now and after much debate we just moved in together.
Now to lay all my cards on the table and be honest here I have been pretty hesitant to move in with her. Don't get me wrong I like her two kids but I didn't/don't think I'm totally ready to step in and be a pseudo-dad. Another issue I've had is I fear that is something were to happen (between her and I ) I would be stuck paying child support for children that aren't mine (her ex is ordered to pay child support but doesn't currently due to being unemployed and working under the table).
So this brings us to my current issue; The other night after the kids went down to bed and we're snuggling on the couch she says "I'd like you to adopt the kids."
Shocked I reply "Whoa...ummmm... ahhhh...yeah are you asking me or telling me?"
She answers "I just think if you are living with us and part of the family you should adopt the children, it would mean a lot to them."
Not wanting to get into a fight but still not wanting to agree with anything right away I state " You know hun, they're only 3 and 5 they have no idea what an adoption means, if I'm here and we're together what difference does it make?"
And so the mind numbing, will depleting, sleep depriving circular argument began.
I don't feel too comfortable giving such personal information to complete strangers but I really do need some advice. I basically ended the argument saying "I'll think about it." which in turn received a "Don't strain yourself." comment.
1) What are your thoughts about this?
2) If I did go through with it, it's safe to say I'm legally "on the hook" if we were to break up, yes?
3) Should I be as offended as I am or should I take this in stride? (actually the more I think about it the more angry I get)
4) Should I just cut my loses and get out now before legal ramifications can affect my future livelihood?
5) Am I over reacting?
Halp. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:26:57 AM | | if you adopt then you will be paying child support if you split. at the moment however you wouldn't if it were to happen. their dad has to agree to it aswell. you shouldnt be offended you should be flattered that she wants them to be your children. but do you want them to be your children? does the dad see a lot of them? i dont agree with you taking his place unless he's useless. even then you should be discipling them but not to the extent the mum can. it is a hard one. should tell her straight, i don't want to if you don't want to and then see where it goes from there. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:28:45 AM | Listen to her at length to discover what is her secret idea about the future. Is it marriage, adoption, her staying home to raise the children? Compare her plans with your own.
Talk to her ex and ask him how things went, why they broke up. Just listen to him and discover how he remembers the experience.
Then get yourself a moving van and a storage locker and make a run for it. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:34:52 AM | sweetness30 - I pretty much figured I'd have to pay up if we broke up and I'm sure as bloody hell their father would be more than happy for me to foot the bill. This in itself is a deal breaker for me, I'm more than happy to be a part of their life as long as I'm with their mom but I don't want to be tied down to children that aren't mine if we don't work out. As cold as it sounds it's the truth and I don't think that's an unfair stance.
The father does spend time with the kids every second weekend but aside from that nadda.
I'm getting the impression from my g/f that if I don't agree to the adoption it will always be thrown back in my face or we'll split up. As much as I love her and as much as it'll hurt if that's the way she's going to play then so be it. I resent feeling like a meal ticket. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:39:39 AM | | Don't do it. They have a father deadbeat or not. You are mommy's boyfriend, untill you are ready to make a lifetime commitment to her it shouldn't be discussed. Now that you are living together you've made it much harder for these kids if you break up. Another man leaving? Just by moving in these kids are going to fall in love with you and accept you as part of their family, have you thought about what will happen to your relationship with them if you and mommy split next year? You have already made a lifetime committment to them by moving in. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:46:01 AM | I can't help but wonder if you haven't been completely forthcoming with how you felt about her and her children. The reason I say this is because it seems VERY odd that she would come to the conclusion that you should adopt her children if you weren't showing her that you felt close to them.
First of all I don't believe that you should have moved in with her if you had any doubts. It would be one thing to do this with a woman that didn't have any children just to see if it worked out, but considering that she has two children involved, it was unfair to them.
As far as you going through with the adoption, no I don't believe you should. It would be wrong on so many different levels. They already have one father that isn't very involved in their lives (at least not financially) and it would be an injustice for them to have another one.
Yes, if you adopted the children, or even just married their mother you would be financially responsible for paying child support.
Considering I am not sure how you have went about getting into this I can't honestly say if you should be offended or not. I don't believe she should be pushy like she is since adoption is a HUGE deal and shouldn't not be taken lightly.
I don't know what to tell you about "getting out of it". I don't know what is in your heart. Do you even love this woman?
I don't think you are necessarily overreacting, however, I think you have lead this woman wrong and you are now paying for it. (I might be completely wrong on how I am looking at this). | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:47:41 AM | Whoa down.................is that the brakes I hear screeching..................
- You've been together 2 years and this topic didn't come up before the move in?
- after 2 years together you should know if you love her AND the children enough to become a family together.
- it sounds like you're more concerned about your financial obligations than the children (at least you're being honest with yourself); have you told her this
- if you're angry and getting cold feet about taking on responsibility for the children then get out before you affect the children more. Their own father has deserted them financially already; imagine how they're going to feel in a few years when you don't want to be there for them either. Make up your mind and do it soon.
"I didn't/don't think I'm totally ready to step in and be a pseudo-dad"
...........then don't confuse the children. When you move in with a single parent you make a commitment to the children too and become a family. This is bigger than just the two of you living in the same house together.
I'm not saying that either you or she is wrong, but for heaven's sake talk about this more and the impact on the children.
Please deal with this very soon............... | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 9:59:33 AM |
1) What are your thoughts about this?
2) If I did go through with it, it's safe to say I'm legally "on the hook" if we were to break up, yes?
3) Should I be as offended as I am or should I take this in stride? (actually the more I think about it the more angry I get)
4) Should I just cut my loses and get out now before legal ramifications can affect my future livelihood?
5) Am I over reacting?
1) It doenst matter what anyone else thinks, you moved in with her, so Im sure youve thought about all this beforehand? That would have been the smart thing.
2) If you adopted the kids and you forsee the relationship breaking up, then yes, you ARE responsible.
3) I wouldnt be offended, but, it would be a red flag to me if she asked you so soon right after moving in.
4) Cut your losses? Hmm. Doesnt sound as if you are too secure about the longivity of this relationship.
5) Overreacting? Eh, not really.
However, I will state again my answer to number 4---it doesnt seem as if you are in it for the long haul with this woman if you are already looking at as negatively as you are.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do people get into living situations when it is clear they havent thought things thru????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 10:17:14 AM | I guess in my haste, shock and want to remain somewhat private I've neglected to state a few things.
Yes I do love her (I think I already said this in my first or second post) and care dearly for the kids. I've never been around children before in my life so I do tend to stay at a bit of a distance. However with that said I have never treated them like a "dirty little secret" or poorly in anyway shape or form. I do talk and play with them, I just don't do the "parenting" thing, I just don't know how and it's kinda scary but I'm willing to learn. I don't believe I'm confusing them by not being "daddy", they have a daddy that they see (and love) every second weekend and I just try and be their friend.
The topic of moving in had come up many times in the past and due to my feelings of not being ready for pseudo-fatherhood I had always declined. And yes I have been very honest about about those fears. However I have never talked about my financial fears on the subject, I always felt that would be in poor taste and without class.
The adoption thing is new, very, very new. We had just moved in together at the beginning of September (after much personal debate) and this was just thrown at me a few nights back. I quite honestly don't know what to think. One part of me thinks maybe she just came up with the idea, then another part worries about being monetarily responsible for the next 13-15 years for two children that aren't mine... With all things considered and how it would affect my future I don't think this is an unrealistic fear. Finally I also wonder if she thought about the adoption thing before and waited until we moved in together to spring it on me.
Perhaps I should wear a tinfoil hat when thinking about the last option but the timing of it all and her attitude towards it (demanding it) just strikes me as odd. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 10:17:42 AM | Wow that is some question!!!! You must think this through before you get in any further. Perhaps you can make a compromise like the longer you live together then you would pay a certain amount under the law....but if the relationship fails in the next 3-5 years then you don't. Not too sure how to word it but on a sliding scale so to speak. Let's face the longer you are with the mother the more of a role youplay in the childrens lives..like it or not its just the way it is when you decide to fall inlove with a single mother, the children must be taken into consideration.
Now having said that the mother can come after you under the law for child support if she chooses to....I on the other hand could never make a man pay for children that weren't his unless he did the right thing and offered. It really depends how long you are in each other lives for and if you are in fact being a father to them. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 10:29:50 AM | *DisneyMom* and a Couple others - While I do appreciate most input it seems that some didn't really read my post or they came in with some preconceived notion of my situation or stance. The very first sentence in my very first post I said "After much debate we have moved in together..."
With that said, I don't know why you'd get the impression I didn't think it through?
As I said I do appreciate any and all help here I just don't think hostility and a judgmental stance is at all helpful. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 10:35:10 AM | iris43 - I have been under the impression that since she has a court order for the father to pay child support I have no legal obligation to pay child support if we are to break up at some point in the future (obviously that would change if I did agree to the adoption).
Am I wrong?
Can the courts order two separate people to pay child support for the same children? | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 10:44:47 AM | *DisneyMom* - It has nothing to do with a "fuzzy" response, it has everything to do with saying things that don't apply to my situation. Case in point:
"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do people get into living situations when it is clear they havent thought things thru????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
"Why dont MEN and WOMEN think beforehand before they COHABITATE."
If you are saying that in a general sense I can agree but if you are implying that about my situation then you couldn't be any more off base.
Anyway I'm not going to argue about it. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 11:55:32 AM | You cannot adopt her children unless he surrenders or the court terminates his parental rights. It used to be that failing to exercise visitation or pay child support for a full year would be enough cause for a court to grant a parent's request to terminate the absent parent's rights. Whether that still holds true I don't know.
FWIW, if I was a man who had just started cohabitating with a single mother (especially if marriage has yet to be discussed in any serious manner) and she started talking about me adopting her kids, my immediate thought would be "She's looking for someone else who WILL pay child suppport if she finds herself alone again." And I probably would be guessing right. Be afraid. Be very afraid. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 12:13:10 PM | | first, let me say, WOW!! can't beleive you can stay with some one who could, 1. ask that of you. and 2. get mad because you're not jumpin for joy to take on someone else's responsibility! i got irritated just at hearing that she asked and that she got all pissy. your asking what you should do, and no one can, or should ever tell you what to do. you have to go with your gut on this. i can say from personal experience, ( my situation went the opposite direction. he wanted to adopt and i said no.) if both parties are not completly sure of what they want to do, it won't work. especially if your bullied into it with a pissing match. had that been something you were both into, that would have been a night of rockin' the casbah, but because you were uncomfortable, well, not so much. in a loving relationship, either decision would have been supported, she would have been hurt, but would have understood. thank you for letting me vent. good luck..........heather | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 12:47:57 PM | It is unusual / strange that she would wait until you have both moved in together before springing this on you. In my opinion, it just doesn't feel right.
One question though, even though the ex is a deadbeat does he still exercise his visitation. The reason that I ask is that if he still sees the kids he may not be willing to give up his rights so easily since it would effect visitation as well.
Now the financial aspect. According to what I have read, you have live with or be married to her for a period of 2 years before you become liable for child support. But, it can be as short as six months or depending on the judge it could be shorter. The reason I say it could be shorter is that if the bio father is not seeing the kids then you could be held as standing in place of the bio dad. In which case you are on the hook for child support. Best thing to do is check with a lawyer on this one.
If you stay there is a very good chance that you will have to pay child support if you break up. Also, according to the divorce act the rights of the child to support cannot be bargained away. Which means if she offers to sign a prenup relinguishing you from your obligation to pay you will stil have to pay, since the divorce act supersedes all contracts since support is classified as a right of the child.
In order to minimize your financial risk, you need to encourage her to have your local agency chase the bio dad for the support. If he starts paying regular support the courts have held in some cases that you will only be required to pay the differnce between what the bio dad pays and what you would pay if you make more.
Good luck. | |
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| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:00:18 PM | Actually, its not cold. The original intention of the law was to protect the children in cases where for example both parties agreed the mom would stay at home to raise the kids and the step dad went to work. It was also to protect where if a single parent married someone wealthier with a higher standard of lving and the standard of living for the kids also went up accordingly then the children's standard of living would not be diminish as a result of the breakdown of the relationship.
The problem is that lawyers got a hold of it. The result is that the law has been expanded in many cases to encompass all step parents. It is though still done a cases by cases basis. The unintended social consequence is that for someone such as myself who already pays support for my bio daughter I feel has to take this into consideration since the courts have held, quite correctly I might add, that the NCP must take care of his first family first prior to starting any new relationship. For me, if things didn't work out as a step parent and I had to pay support for the step kids it would impact my daughters quality of life, which I will not let happen since she comes first. | |
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redsy
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Joined: 9/8/2007
Msg: 25 | |
| Well I just moved in with a single mother and kinda have a few questions
Posted: 9/18/2007 1:08:58 PM | Talk to her ex and ask him how things went, why they broke up. Just listen to him and discover how he remembers the experience  
Not the smartest of answers !!! tell us why you're no longer with your ex ..better still pass on a contact number so we can phone them and find out why/when/where/when and who   | |
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