| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 12:46:34 PM | | well how many people have been in a relationship where they were liked but not in the right ways, let me explain i once asked out this girl whom i found out had a crush on me, for a long time, we'd been friends for well over 5 years but i never though she liked in that way, because she wasn't into the goth circle or nothing, but she didn't seem to mind the eyeliner or lipstick either and seemed pretty cool about the hole black stuff, we went out for about 3 months and everything was going smooth until she started commenting on the way i looked in negative ways which she had never done, ever since we first met, then she started to tell me don't wear this or don't do that, its not cool, why can't you be normal or it makes me feel weird thats sort of stuff we ended up going our seprate ways obviously and unfortunatly lost our frienship as well, i never judged anyone before for what they chose to be and she was no exception yet i've been judged pretty much all the time, i think if your gonna date someone then do so for who they are, and not what you want them to be, thats how a relationship is suppose to go right? | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 1:02:18 PM | Sounds like she was becoming embarrassed by the whole goth look you have going on. Maybe her people were saying things to her, you know...friends, family, etc. Young people are quite impressionable.
Since you've chosen at this time in your life to look a certain way, a look that is certainly not mainstream and tends to illicit strange looks, you will either have to find someone within your own community or someone fairly open minded who can deal with it. Good luck in your pursuit. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 1:10:35 PM | Maybe she liked you but didn't like all the stares and weird looks she got when you were dressed in goth. I agree that people should accept you for you but as you well know people judge you and if she's with you, her also. Maybe with you next you should be somewhat accommodating to her feelings on the subject and occationally dress a bit more normal. It's all about compromise, give and take. I have clothes that my girl don't like (I love hot moms) I still wear it just not with her (although I don't get it because she's a hot mom) oh well   | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 1:17:33 PM | | OP, if it didn't bother her to be seen with you for the 5 years you were friends, and suddenly 3 months after you started dating she started saying how much she disliked it...it sounds more to me that she was hoping you'd change to look how *she* wanted you to look. Unfortunately, some people - male and female - are fine until a few months into a relationship; then they start trying to change thei rpartner...they wanted ot all along but decided to wait until they were actually involved for a while to do so. Bad idea, IMO. One either cares for someone for who they are, or they don't...one doesn't try to change someone. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:12:35 PM | | It's not all about JUDGING..it's about growing up..many kids your age seem to EXPERIMENT with ways to attract attention. It's a sign of immaturity...someday..your going to outgrow it..maybe she saw it too. Sorry it messed up your relationship. if being goth is costing you friendships..you should double think your position of ways to attract attention. | |
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svj
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Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 6 | |
| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:42:33 PM | It's not all about JUDGING..it's about growing up..many kids your age seem to EXPERIMENT with ways to attract attention. It's a sign of immaturity...someday..your going to outgrow it..maybe she saw it too. Sorry it messed up your relationship. if being goth is costing you friendships..you should double think your position of ways to attract attention.
So you're saying the best way for him to be happy is to conform to what everyone else wants him to be?
Oooooh! That's good!
People commit suicide doing that stuff!
OK, cold hard fact time. She didn't get attached to you, per se... she was attached to her fantasy of what she wanted you to be.
And as it became clearer and clearer that you weren't going to change to suit her fantasy, she started getting pissier and pissier, right? Think back....
That's not a crime. I've done it. I've had it done to me. You've now had it done to you, and if you're like most of us, you'll do it to someone else at some point. We all make mistakes. She made one, and you both got hurt over it.
Be *exactly* who you want to be. No compromise, and no f***ing apologies.
Show the world you live on your terms, and your terms only. Then you know any chick that falls for you, is falling for YOU, not the fantasy.
When you see guys on here complaining that they can't get laid/rel'n/dates/conversations with girls, it's usually because they're conforming to what they think women want, instead of just being themselves, no BS, no apologies.
Women are very smart like that, they can smell that bullsh*t a mile away. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution will do that to a gal.
That's what women mean by a "Real Man". Sounds like you've found your "Real Man", even if that does involve, ironically, lipstick and eyeliner.
Don't change unless YOU want to. Anything else is BS.
Be a REAL MAN.
Am I right here, girls? | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 4:33:17 PM | Aren't women always trying to change the guy? 
Now, as another poster stated, "someday..your going to outgrow it", which in this case is the Goth scene. But you're 19 so have fun with it while you can. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 4:47:44 PM | | I have no idea why people date people, fall for them , then wanna start changin them, but it happens but i think most people are guilty iof it! lol x | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 4:53:54 PM | It's possible she felt ok with the goth look and thought it was fine that you were into that. But, as time passed and she learned of other things about goth life such as music, lifestyle and attitudes (believe me, I know... my daughter is semi - goth..lol) and decided she didn't like what it offerred her, as your girlfriend.
It's quite possible she wanted you to change because she was into you but not the goth environment, anymore.
When I was way younger, a few of my friends had the flourescent mohawk hair cuts, black, dreary clothes and chains hanging on them. I didn't have a problem with that but, I kinda lost interest in their attitude about other people. They seemed so negative, oppressive and angry at the world. All they could do is talk down about society, as a whole. It became rather depressing. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 4:57:30 PM | Goth Wolf...Listen to SVJ...he is bang on with his thoughts....LISTEN TO HIM....
Be YOU and only YOU. Conforming to Society is for the masses...be Yourself ...be Unique.. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 5:35:51 PM | svj..."So you're saying the best way for him to be happy is to conform to what everyone else wants him to be? "
I didn't say that...that is not in my words...my stand is....young people tend to EXPERIMENT on who they want to be? Being goth is just a fad and is nothing more than that. ...goth goes along with love beads.. afros, poofy hair, white leasure suits, KISS, Long hair, bald heads, cd players, piercings, tattoos...it's a FAD. Going against the grain of the norm .....is not making an INDIVIDUAL statement.
I went to a mall recently and entered a "cool and hip" store where goths hang out..I entered with the idea of finding my nephew a birthday gift..since he is pretty much into it but not as much as the employees were. I was going through some t-shirts and this dude practically jumps all over me because I didnt react to his outlandish goth look..nine inch spiked mohawk painted different colors with a bulls ring in his nose.. He became rude and obnoxious because I refused to react to his "look"..I bought a t-shirt (GREENDAY) and on my way out he yelled...BIATCH!!..I still didnt react and felt kinda sorry for the guy..because ..he was young and experimenting on his individuality. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 5:46:12 PM | From my own personal experience, here's what's never failed for me.
When you find someone you think is just terrific...BUT...time to take a pass. People aren't projects or makeovers. They are what and who they are, you have to accept and love them just as they are or move on. Same for me, some guys have thought wow you're great...BUT...same thing time to move on.
And it doesn't matter what the BUT is...could be a major thing, could be something that is trivial. When you start giving up and abandoning any part of who you are, I've never known that to work. For a short while maybe, but you can't compromise yourself for the sake of being with someone.
One of the litmus tests is finding someone and hoping they WON'T change. You pray that they will always be the same. That's a sign of a keeper.
I've never known of someone who stayed true to themselves that ever regretted that. I've known people who didn't and they always did. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 6:01:31 PM | there you go, over generalising again.....my2centsin
<div class="quote"> Being goth is just a fad and is nothing more than that
tell that to Anton Levy, or Marilyn Manson, or Ozzy Osborne, or many others who have chosen the goth look as a lifestyle
experimentation? Sounds like something your mother told you (and that you in turn passed on)
Young adults are different than you were when you were young.(more complex desicions, lifestyles, stress factors etc) And very few things do I state as fact, but that one you can bet on.
<div class='quote'>..he was young and experimenting on his individuality.
perhaps he was responding to the vibes you were putting out there ..... either that or he was an A** no matter what the age or style of dress...
you sound like a junior high school teacher... | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 6:29:19 PM | | Women arent trying to change guys, guys just dont know what they want so its easier to hurt others so they dont have to deal with it. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 6:29:43 PM | Ok, I have been "weird" my whole life and I have learned to stick to my own kind. Regular people will be interested (especially the males), but they don't "get" it.
Welcome to a long tumultous road of only being able to date those that are in your social circle, unless you want to change. And I say, don't change for anyone.. you are only setting yourself up for disaster. Be you, that's it. They have to deal or hit the road. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/20/2007 6:30:54 PM | One thing I've always stayed true to and encouraged my children to do was embrace their individuality. However they chose to express it. We laugh at times....Mom with the "big hair", the huge hoop earrings.
My kids with the flourescent dyed hair and the baggy pants. We talk about it and mostly end up laughing but I do remind them that I never gave them any crap even though they may say..."what was I thinking".
That was a part of who I was then, and I didn't care what anyone thought, I did what I wanted to which was part of the expression of me. I would never deny my children that. And they've been surprised...actually even shocked at times, when they invite their friends over...some tattooed and pierced and I don't treat them any different. I just don't think about people based totally on how they "look". And I DO work in the most anal of professions, so I'm sure my kids' friends expect something different.
It may or may not be a "phase" it may or may not change. It shouldn't matter...individuality in any way one person chooses to express it, should be encouraged and embraced. And noone should be made to feel different for their choices.
Ehhh...I'm wishing I had the White Rain...spray it, it stays for a week hairspray, the high heeled red wedges and denim miniskirt...and the HUGE hoop earrings!!
Couldn't wear it to work, but if I had it, I'd wear it!! I told my kids long ago...I AM my own fashion statement...like it, lump it...I'd have a blast! | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 5:11:57 AM | You're only 19 years old...
How many different scenarios /changes / phases have you yet to experience? Tell her to get real and get back in touch with you in 20 some-odd years...By then, you'll have gone full circle and more or less know what you want (and don't want) in a relationship...Hell...she probably won't meet YOUR criteria! | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 5:21:40 AM | | I thought the whole idea of the rebellious fashions was to make rock stars rich cashing in on kid's need for some conformist way of being shockingly non-conformist. O, look at me I am weird don't judge me as I rage against the machine. You don't like me, my clothes, my music, my whatever because you don't understand. You want me to be like everyone else, you want to change me. Death. Black. Bleak. Teenagers with dramatic emotions. I'm sorry, what was the question? Oh yeah. I agree, if someone likes you and cares enough to try updating your look so you don't stay stuck in one of puberty's costumes, by all means hold out against the establishment. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 5:54:09 AM | Maybe since your young and maybe fresh out of high school, she thought it was a phase ... and that you were done with playing rebel dress up...
I'd say when she found out it wasn't... she tried to help you dress but saw your problems were deeper than she suspected.... I am betting she does not care she lost the friendship. She may have done an inventory of her makeup to be sure you didnt steal any too.
Wondering... ? did she want you to dress in baggy pants that dont cover your butt? | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:31:58 AM | Hi OP,
Goth Wolf...Listen to SVJ...he is bang on with his thoughts....LISTEN TO HIM....
Be YOU and only YOU. Conforming to Society is for the masses...be Yourself ...be Unique..
I so agree with the above. Just be yourself OP and don't ever feel that you have to change who YOU are for anyone or anything.
Not everyone was meant to be a sheep, myself included....people will tell you all kinds of things such as this is just a phase you're going through and you need to grow up and all that crap.... that's just "them" trying to manipulate you to make you conform to what "they" want you to be.... just say NO!
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. "
~Friedrich Nietzsche~
Love and peace  | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:40:28 AM | "Aren't women always trying to change the guy? "
That goes both ways trust me....... you have to wonder, why the hell did they bother with me to begin with if they can't accept what I like, think or how I dress??????? | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:16:55 AM | | suzalawinkles. ....Amen to that one! You hit the nail on the head. | |
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| be who you wanna be?
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:32:50 AM | | Many folks think they can change their partners once they’ve snared them on the hook. Live and learn from this experience. If you meet another gal who is not into the “Goth Talk and Azrael Abyss, Prince of Sorrows and Cinnabons” look, discuss this aspect of your life before you make a commitment to one another, (i.e., the old “you’ve got to accept me as I am” talk). Now, go and love again, and “stay out of the daylight”! | |
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