| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 3:43:27 AM | Here's the situation:
I live in Dallas. I met a woman a couple of years ago who is married with three children. Her husband hasn't been much of a father, so I actually started becoming somewhat active in the lives of her kids (going to football games, etc.). About a year ago she was ready to leave him, and I think we would have probably got together except that he stepped up and she decided to give him another chance. But by that point I had already allowed myself to fall in love with her.
Then she moved to Orlando last year. We have kept in constant contact since she left. Over tha past year, our friendship has grown. She has never talked about having any romantic feelings for me, and I have always skirted around telling her how I really feel. But she has told me what she finds attractive in men, and I don't really fit the bill. Plus, she has seen me go through a serious bout of depression, which I have come through, but it may have left her with a negative view of me.
Fast-forward to today: I am in Orlando visiting them on vacation. She has confided in me that she is ready to leave her husband for good. I love her kids, get along great with them, they love me, trust me, etc. And I love her, and there is no one I'd rather be with. Once I leave town, I will not see her again until at least Christmas, maybe even longer.
I want to tell her how I feel and ask her to give me a chance. I would be willing to move to Orlando to be with her. I don't know that this is a good time to talk to her (since she is under a lot of stress), and I really don't think she'll say yes. But how could I live with myself if I didn't ask?
Thoughts on what I should do and how I should do it? | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 3:51:07 AM | Has she been living with her husband this whole time? Seems odd you are so close to her/his kids.
If I were you I would be wondering what would stop her from doing this same crap to you. What if she gets tired of you and has something brewing on the back burner?? | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 3:51:27 AM | I think its a bad idea to ask her right now. As you've said, she's under alot of stress and this is something she doesn't really need right now. If you really are that involved with her and the kids, then leave asking her for now, wait until a few months down the line, when she has ACTUALLY left her husband. See what she's like then. If you ask now, and she does accept, which I doubt she will, but if she does, you will simply be a rebound guy. You seem like a nice fella, so don't do that to yourself.
Just wait until she has things a little more under control. But remember to be there as much as possible for her right now as it'll be a tough time. That will also show her that you really do care. Its not as though you really have to talk to her right now and tell her how you feel, you have time to tell her, once you've got things a little more sorted in your head and once she's a little more stable with her relationships. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 3:56:56 AM |
Seems odd you are so close to her/his kids....what would stop her from doing this same crap to you.
She has mainly stayed with him so the kids would have a father. They don't even sleep together. My relationship with her and her kids was kind of a fluke that happened because he wasn't being a father at all to them and because she and I were very close in age and hit it off. She's never made anything that remotely resembled a romantic advance toward me. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:00:54 AM | Just wait until she has things a little more under control.
I completely agree--EXCEPT that it could be a year before I see her again (MAYBE at Christmas this year, but maybe not), and this is something that has to be asked face-to-face. She is very attractive, smart, sweet. I have no doubt she could easily find someone to date the instant she wanted to (plus, she knows the kids need a man in their lives). And if I'm not there at that time and she doesn't know how I feel...I feel like we could be so happy together, and I don't want to let 1000 miles mess that up. But at the same time I don't feel like now is the right time to ask. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:11:33 AM | oh i'm so sick of ''we're doing it for the kids'' excuse. Kids are not stupid, and they know when something is not right and way off kilter. You do more damage to them by keeping a broken marriage together. As Dr Phil says, "kids would rather come from a broken home than from a home that is broken''....she's making excuses and needs to get a backbone....even in divorce they will have a father. A piece of paper doesn't negate DNA.
Until she cleans up her personal life and is single, you need to back off. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:13:28 AM | | If he wasn't being a father to the kids, why is she staying with him so they have a father? She needs to get her head on straight! Smells like a big drama fest if ya ask me. I would run! | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:17:07 AM |
it could be a year before I see her again (MAYBE at Christmas this year, but maybe not)
Ok if she's in a marriage, no matter how involved you think their relationship is, (not sleeping together etc, doesn't actually mean that much), she's going to be a little messed up when she comes out of it. It will probably take until christmas for her to get things settled, especially with the kids, but if they were in love, even if its not been great recently, love takes a while to get over. So a year really isn't that long, trust me. Its been 3 years since my marriage ended, and only now am I really feeling ready for more than "rebound" guys. So maybe it will be worth your while to wait. Trust me, she doesn't need to know about you feelings right now, it will only jumble things up even more. And if you really do love her, then whats 1000 miles? I'm sure in the next year you can take time off and go visit as a friend, and she will probably appreciate that more, more than having a relationship right away. But to be fair, she hasn't even left her husband yet, not properly, so you jumping in and telling her how you feel, well its just not right at the moment. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:26:34 AM |
so you jumping in and telling her how you feel, well its just not right at the moment.
Thanks for that. I've never been married or in an ultra-serious relationship (plus she is very independent), so I can empathize with her, but I really am not sure about how long it takes to get over these things, and I didn't want to miss the boat.
And I agree that now is not the best time, but my thoughts have been jumbled on the issue, afraid of losing her because I didn't have the guts to ask. I think you did a good job of funneling those thoughts into something that justifies that gut feeling that this is premature.
Thank you all. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:32:00 AM | Well everyone is different, it takes everyone different amounts of time to get over things. But it sounds like alot has been going on, on her side. So just be there as a friend at the moment. That way you will also know when she's ready to start dating again.
Take care, n keep smilin! | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 4:46:27 AM | My best friend tell's me that she is going to leave her partner all the time. Then she tell's me "This time she really mean's it".....It never happen's.
They don't even sleep together. .....That's what SHE tell's you, how do you know it's a fact???
My best friend tell's me that her and her partner sleep in different bed's and no longer have sex, as it make's her sick to even think of it with HIM. A few day's later she tell's me, the only thing they have in common is the sex!
Face the facts.....Not your dreams.
You are her support when thing's go bad. She can unload all of her problem's onto you, and you will listen, because she see's you as a friend.
If she wanted to be with YOU, she would leave her fella, and be with you. | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:04:13 AM | That's what SHE tell's you, how do you know it's a fact???
Well, for one thing I'm staying in their house right now. He has slept on the couch since I've known them. She tells me, he tells me, the kids tell me. The reason they give is that his back can't take the bed they have. I never said they didn't have sex; I certainly don't know that, and we don't talk about our sex lives. But if my wife couldn't sleep in our bed because of our mattress, I'd buy a new one.
You are her support when thing's go bad. She can unload all of her problem's onto you
Not really. She has told me very little directly except the basic facts, partly because she knows that I know their history, so I have no problem understanding things left unsaid. But she hasn't just come to me and unloaded all her problems. She really isn't that type of person. When she does finally discuss it with me (and I have no doubt she will), I'm sure it will be short and to the point.
If she wanted to be with YOU, she would leave her fella, and be with you.
I never thought she wanted to be with me to the extent of leaving someone to be with me. I certainly never expected her to leave her husband to be with me. She's leaving her husband for her own reasons, and I want her to know that I would like to pursue a relationship with her once she is single. I believe I wrote above that I don't think she will say yes. But are you saying I shouldn't even ask? | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:26:22 AM | But at the same time I don't feel like now is the right time to ask
I think you just answered your own question.
Do you keep in touch by phone? If so, wait until she lets you know her situtation has changed, give her some time, then see how things go.
JMO | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:39:58 AM | | You should stand back until her marriage either survives or doesn't and then proceed accordingly. NEVER step into someone else's relationship. It's dirty pool, even under the guise of friendship. It may be hard, but it's only fair - if you were the other person, wouldn't you want to know that it was the two of you deciding, independent of outside influences whether or not the relationship was salvagable? | |
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| She's leaving her husband--should I ask her out?
Posted: 9/21/2007 6:47:40 AM | We typically keep in touch by IM. We talk on the phone occasionally, but not that often. I don't know that she would say, "Hey, I'm over my husband and ready to start dating again" though.
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It may be hard, but it's only fair - if you were the other person, wouldn't you want to know that it was the two of you deciding
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Good point. Thank you. | |
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