| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:01:03 AM | I saw my girlfriend having lunch with her best friend; let's call him "mike". Two months ago, mike and I almost got into a fight. It was just verbal attacks and cold stares, but not a physical fight. I really don't like this guy and every time I see my girlfriend so close with him, I feel uneasy.
I had a talk with her, and she told me she's having lunch with him every Mondays and Wednesdays. I also learned that she's doing everything with him one-on-one that she and I are doing, like going to a movie, having dinner, and shopping, except the things we do behind a closed door. Whenever mike sees me and my girlfriend holding hands, she gasps and throws my hand away. It feels like she's walking the line, even though she tells me she loves me and only me. I feel threatened by this and feel concerned.
Am I being over jealous, insecure? | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:33:43 AM | Nope, doesn't sound jealous to me or insecure.
I'd walk away from it, she is walking the line as you suggested.
There are boundaries in relationships, she's crossing them. It doesn't matter how close she was with him before you, she has to understand that in a relationship some things need to remain exclusive.
She's having her cake and eating it to, She has two guys to fawn over her and quite frankly, she seems to have no problem with him being casual with her but yet, she doesn't want him seeing you being casual with her. There is your answer, she wants him more than you and can't have him for whatever reason. So your the stand in till she can get him.
You need to move on. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:43:56 AM |
like going to a movie, having dinner, and shopping EXCEPT the things we do behind a closed door.
And how would you know that....... because that is what she told you ? lol | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 12:28:42 PM | | everything sounds pretty reasonable besides the not holding your hand thing in front of him, thats just a little too much. most of my friends are girls, and i do stuff with them all the time.. but i wouldn't go as far as not holding my gf's hand in front of them. have you asked her why she can't hold your hand in front of him? and what was the near fight over? | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 1:50:30 PM |
everything sounds pretty reasonable besides the not holding your hand thing in front of him, thats just a little too much. most of my friends are girls, and i do stuff with them all the time.. but i wouldn't go as far as not holding my gf's hand in front of them.
Exactly what I was thinking as well. My two best friends are both female and while we often go to movies, shopping, whatever...it never gets in the way of an actual relationship. I'd say this is something you guys DO need to talk about. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 2:14:26 PM | I agree with the other poster. Everything seems fine until you said that she didn't want to hold your hands in front of him. That's just wrong... My best friend is a guy, and I do everything with him other than the intimate stuff. But, I also introduce my bfs to him and I don't gasp and drop my bf's hand if my best friend's around.
She's just having fun that she has 2 guys in her life. If he truly is her best friend, the near fight should never happened, and she shouldn't gasp and drop your hand in front of him. It's either he likes her and she's also having feelings for him, or there's something she's just not telling you.
Either way, you and her need to talk about it. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 2:32:51 PM | I cant believe you think you can say who your girlfriend should an shouldnt have as best mates,whats up with you,deal with your insecurities an previous issues an enjoy your bird,dont lay your crap on her . | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 3:19:59 PM | Her behavior would certainly make me wonder. If they were just friends and had never been any more than friends, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. But a true friend of hers would try to get along with you... he would want you know that he's not a threat to your/her relationship. Also, if he were just a friend, the three of you would do stuff together, not just the two of them.
I gotta tell ya, I think your gut is telling you something, and you need to pay attention to it. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 3:29:28 PM | I saw my girlfriend having lunch with her best friend; let's call him "mike"
Having a best friend who is male, in itself, would be no big deal. Most of my friends are male. HOWEVER
Whenever mike sees me and my girlfriend holding hands, she gasps and throws my hand away
THAT is a major red flag. Why would she behave that way if there was "nothing going on" but friendship? Whenever I have been involved with a man, I have encouraged them to meet my friends, both male and female, and have been comfortable doing so because there has been no reason not to be.
RUN, FORREST........................... | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 3:42:08 PM |
Whenever mike sees me and my girlfriend holding hands, she gasps and throws my hand away
Also sounds like she could possibly using you to make him jealous enough to admit he has feelings for her and so she is kind of playing you both against each other. I'd toss her aside and tell her the games are over and so is this BS unless she does something about "Mike." | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 5:13:59 PM |
I saw my girlfriend having lunch with her best friend; let's call him "mike". Two months ago, mike and I almost got into a fight. It was just verbal attacks and cold stares, but not a physical fight. I really don't like this guy and every time I see my girlfriend so close with him, I feel uneasy.
I had a talk with her, and she told me she's having lunch with him every Mondays and Wednesdays. I also learned that she's doing everything with him one-on-one that she and I are doing, like going to a movie, having dinner, and shopping, except the things we do behind a closed door. Whenever mike sees me and my girlfriend holding hands, she gasps and throws my hand away. It feels like she's walking the line, even though she tells me she loves me and only me. I feel threatened by this and feel concerned.
Am I being over jealous, insecure?
NOPE! The issue is not yours ... it is hers. If it was me in your shoes I would give her ONE and only one chance to choose between the friend or me. If she refused to choose and tried to talk me into accepting it, I would walk-away and never look back!!! | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 5:14:35 PM | | If they know they are 'just friends' - then you should know they are 'just friends' - grow up and be mature about it!! It's her friend accept it!!! | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 5:33:03 PM | ^ Y'know, Leeanne, I might agree with that other than the "she pulls her hand away when the 'friend' is around" part.... I don't know about you, but if I'm in a relationship my "friends" are *happy* for me, because they *want* to see me happy...
Sounds like either he is jealous and she's catering to that, or he doesn't like the OP and she's again, catering to that. I'm sorry, but again, if I'm *happy* in a relationship then my friends should be happy for me, and I'm *not* trying to hide that from them.
One of my ex's had a good male friend, quite honestly they may have even slept together - I don't know and quite honestly never asked and didn't want to know. She couldn't have kids, and he wanted kids, so even *if* it happened it wasn't anything more than sex. He was a great guy, I trusted him implicitly, he really liked me and thought that her and I made a really good couple... we had dinner with him and his GF (now wife) many times, I worked in the same building with him and we had a friendship outside of his friendship with her (years after our split, him and I still talked quite often). I trusted her and *all* of her male friends, except *one* who my first impression on meeting him was "this guy is a sneaky weasel", every "gut instinct" told me the guy was a "player". Guess who she cheated on me with? Yup, the smooth talking "weasel" that neither I nor any of her female friends liked, with the reputation of cheating on every relationship he'd been in. (And I'll leave it up to your best guess what happened with that relationship after she left me... hint, it has something to do with a 24y/o getting pregnant).
I'm a guy, I can talk to another guy for 15 minutes, and by the end of it can tell you if I think the guy is fairly trustworthy, or a guy that would probably cheat on you... guys don't have the 'blinders' on that a lot of women have with guys because they are 'attractive and nice' - just like I have a couple of good female friends who's judgement on a woman I was seeing would carry some weight (they are better judges of other women than I am, for the same reason).
OP, only you can decide if it just jealousy on your part or not, but from your comments I'd say your gut instinct is shouting out loud and clear there's something about this guy and her "friendship" with him that your "gut instinct" is telling you is wrong. My personal opinion, listen to it. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 6:09:37 PM | | This post could have probably been written by either one of you guys...the best friend boyfriend or the boyfriend best friend..get it? | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:05:48 PM | Thanks for the comments. When I ask her about the dropping my hand, she used to say: "because we are in the school campus. Let's not publicly show our affection for everybody to see, like animals in a zoo." But she dropped my hand when we ran into him at a video store and also at a train station. But very recently she changed her answer. She now says: "I wanted to protect you. If we ever broke up, I don't want people around us to say something bad about you." I'd be a fool if I believe that answer.
When I'm spend time with my girlfriend for the whole day, mike calls her on the phone probably 3 or 4 times during the day. Sometimes one phone call can last about hour just talking about their day. And one time, she put her phone in silent mode because she and I are in her bedroom together. Then we hear a knock on the front door and he says he was worried and just wanted to check because she wasn't picking up the phone.
MetalVixxn, I'm pretty sure he's not gay.
unless she does something about "Mike."
Mcbobly, what can she do about him?
I thought about leaving her couple times, but it never lasted more than couple hours. When she makes me happy, she makes me incredibly happy. But I don't want to have this kind of drama for the rest of my life. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:10:26 PM | | it seems normalish except for the dropping the hand part. I have friends that are girls. Non sexual in any way. They wouldn't think of doing that around me. I always get introduced to the new boyfriend, and become friends. They have nothing to worry about. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/22/2007 11:52:16 PM | I think you supplied yourself with your own answer on what to do:
"When she makes me happy, she makes me incredibly happy"
'When' being the word I'm going for. Yes life isn't all a bed of roses (even they have thorns) but it shouldn't be a matter of only being happy when she makes you happy, you are giving her total power/control over you.
Go and find yourself someone that has more respect for you than to play games just because she doesn't want to be alone. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/23/2007 12:05:15 AM | Cool I get to be the dissenting opinion.
Mike is trouble. Big time. Unless you are a 95 year old invalid, a 'normal' best friend doesn't rush over just because you don't pick up the phone right away. Normal people understand that other normal people get busy or just don't feel like answering the phone sometimes.
Of all you people on here who said the OP is being a control freak and his gf's relationship with Mike is normal....when was the last time YOUR best friend came over in a panic because you didn't answer your phone? Yeah, that's what I thought.
You know what that does? When Mike runs over and says 'oh i was worried, I just wanted to check on her' it basically says two things.
1: that you may be her bf, but Mike believes you can't be trusted to protect her. He believes his friendship with her puts him in a higher position than you and gives him the authority to 'check on her' when she is alone with you...basically implying she is not 100%safe with you.
2: it says Mike is actually the control freak. He wants her to pick up her phone when HE calls, no matter what she's doing, even if she is in the middle of sex. People think that only the bf or gf can be a control freak, it's not true. Friends can be also.
I guarantee you, during all those phone calls, and all those dates (face it, thats what they are) they are talking about you. And all Mike is doing is reminding her of the negatives. Anytime she says 'oh he did the sweetest thing for me today' Mike will say 'yeah but remember last month when he yelled at you?'
He's hoping he can wait you out dude. If I were you, I'd drop her in a heart beat. Imagine you get married, have kids, and this Mike guy still comes over when she doesn't answer her phone. While he's at the door demanding to see your gf to prove you haven't killed her, he'll hear one of the kids crying and say he just wants to take a peek and make sure the kid isn't in any danger.
This drama will only get worse. And I can tell you why she drops your hand. It's because Mike has confessed he wishes he was with her, and it hurts his feelings to see you too holding hands. So she indulges him. Simple. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/23/2007 12:05:28 AM | Hi there, had similar problem with myself. In the end I realised I did not want the boyfriend wanted the 'friend' I could not have. So broke off with boyfriend and moved on from both, still see 'friend' about once every 2 years. Boyfriend married soon after breakup.
You need to really talk to her as since he is not happy with you being in her life and she drops your hand when he is around then he has some connection with her more than just friends. It sounds like she is okay with the friend thing as she has no concerns when you see them together. However it is a triangle and you need to invest your emotions where they will be looked after and cared about. Talk to her about what you feel and if she understands then she will respect your wishes and not be as involved with her 'best friend' which is usually the norm any way.
Good luck. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/23/2007 12:38:37 AM | Nova,
You are better off drop kicking this girl to the curb!
She is totally playing you. Plus what is up with the psycho "friend" ???? If he calls 3 or 4 times a day when you two are suppost to be spending quality time, and sometimes the call lasts upto an hour, how is that spending quality time? And the whole rushing over to check on her cuz she didnt pick up her phone thats some BS line if i ever heard it.
I'd seriously just put your foot down and if she gives you some sob story about how she cant just not be friends with "mike" then you should know something is up. Plus if she is spending all this time with him anyways, thats some serious RED FLAGS right there anyways. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/23/2007 1:24:42 AM | I agree with the last post too.
If she respected you at all, she would tell Mike that 4 calls a day is cutting into her time with you. What's wrong with 1 call a day? In my opinion, everything you want to say can be said in one phone call. After that, it's just trying to keep her attention and her mind on him. | |
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| My girlfriend's best friend is a guy
Posted: 9/23/2007 6:38:40 AM | Well, if he isn't gay then he sure is trouble.
How incredibly rude of your girlfriend to talk to him for an hour while you guys are spending the day together. I think it's rude too that she drops your hand...
It sounds as if you have already voiced your concerns to you and she's given you some lame reasons. If I were you I'd end it. It doesn't sound like she gives you the care and respect that you deserve. | |
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