| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/22/2007 6:18:53 PM | I recently had a very interesting conversation with a very smart man concerning cheating. I had said, with some amount of pride (and, I'm sure, naivety) that other than once when I was twenty, I truly believed that I had never been cheated on, and never even considered cheating on someone I was in a relationship with. I was absolutely certain that my ex-husband never cheated on me. I still believe this to be true.
He said, "Yeah. But you split up six years ago. If the internet had been as prevalent as it is now while you were married, things might have been very different."
Well, I couldn't see the correlation. There have always been bars, office parties, and men and women that take off their ring while they're roaming the savannah. Other than the sheer amount of people, I don't see what's changed.
He started talking specifically about chatgroups and forums such as myspace and even our little California pond. Most of us are still looking, but some of us have found what we want, yet still enjoy the comradery of the friends we've met here. I said that I didn't see how that was any different from any group of friends- couples and singles- that hung out together regularly.
To illustrate, he gave me the "Steve Scenario"...
(this is the picture he painted- there is NO real Steve)
Steve lives in Altadena. He's somebody that I met in the forums. He's funny, smart, caring, and married. I am in a committed relationship, so it's never been an issue. We are friends. JUST friends. We laugh at trolls and stupid things that happen throughout our day. Steve's a great buddie.
BUT... My SO has a bad day- we fight. Steve asks why I sound so down, I tell him... He tells me I'm right and he says all the right things and dammit, here at least is a man that UNDERSTANDS. Then, he tells me something that his wife did that wasn't fair, and I tell him he's right...
Suddenly, Steve is my venting place, and I am his. Before too long, we are no longer "just friends". We are US against THEM. And couldn't it just be a matter of time before we seek comfort in each other's arms instead of each other's inbox?
Of course, this kind of thing has been going on, probably since a certain couple left the garden. But... and now (finally!) here's my question:
Do you think that the internet explosion (especially the social networks) has made being unfaithful easier and more prevalent? | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/22/2007 6:30:02 PM |
Do you think that the internet explosion (especially the social networks) has made being unfaithful easier and more prevalent?
Yup. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/22/2007 6:59:43 PM | | yes - it is much easier to... meet hear and talk and to share things.... | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/22/2007 7:04:19 PM | I had a guy I went to school with from kindergarten all the way through high school send me a message on my space. Very cool meeting up with someone from school that I always thought was kind of cute, so anyway he gives me his yahoo id and I start talking to him on yahoo. Only after we chat a couple times I come to discover he's married and is looking for something that he is not getting from his wife. (Uh oh)
As soon as I found out he was married I made sure he knew I wouldn't be the other woman... did his wife know he was looking up women on my space, craigslist and now here on POF... nope. Until one evening she catches him surfing POF. (Yes I'm the one who told him about POF, I never dreamed he'd create a profile here though.)
Completely different scenerio... my sister-in-law told me about a friend of my brothers who is on eharmony, he is dating and sleeping with 8 women he met on that site and they don't know about each other. This guy easily has earned the name rat bast*** in my opinion.
So my answer to your question... without a doubt the internet has made cheating far more accessible than it used to be. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 3:03:18 AM | | Yes I do. And I think free sites without any charge slips showing up makes it even easier. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 5:33:27 AM | | waaaaaaay easier, just as it has for child predators........ | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:22:46 AM |
Do you think that the internet explosion (especially the social networks) has made being unfaithful easier and more prevalent?
Not even a teeny doubt in my mind about this one!!! YUPPERSSSS!!!!! | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:33:15 AM | I agree - it's way too easy...
(and Cooky, I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to... )  | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:17:30 AM | Unfortunately YES!
But fortunately, it also makes it easier to meet men and get out of the house without having to go to a bar or club! | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:26:06 AM | Suddenly, Steve is my venting place, and I am his. Before too long, we are no longer "just friends". We are US against THEM. And couldn't it just be a matter of time before we seek comfort in each other's arms instead of each other's inbox? This is a problem with an opposite sex friend at work, or even if it's an old friend. When it happened to me, both of us agreed it was time to back off of the relationship well in advance of the situation getting out of hand. When you make a commitment, it means making sacrifices and sometimes they are painful, but if we are that kind of person, we ultimately do what we think we can live with.
There have always been temptations to cheat available, and there are those who do not choose to resist, and those that do resist, all day, every day.
I think the internet is just the new hip way to be scum if that is your intention. I think it's easier for people to prey on other people using the internet, most certainly. The bigger cities have always had an equal amount of opportunity for the same level of anonymity as the internet does, and the people who take advantage of that will continue to do so unabated. We all know someone who has driven to the next town if they want a little something something. Most people of integrity agree that a man or woman who lies about their marital status to get sex on the side are more than just garden variety scum. They are easily the scum that lies on the part of the pond that gets no air or water circulation.
I always find it highly amusing when men who are married here looking for an intimate encounter try to complain that they are being attacked and try to justify their behavior in the forums. They seem stunned when others disagree with them, as if they had no idea what they were doing was immoral. They want support for their willingness to lie and cheat from the mainstream and choose to paint themselves as victims of an overly principled society.
There is nothing we can do to force people to take responsibility for their lives and moreover the lives of others. It's up to us to make individual choices about who we are, who we choose to associate with and how it will affect those we love.
Incidentally, friendly relationships with persons of your own sex can be just as dangerous, if they feed into your own despair and negativity and can just as quickly and easily destroy a relationship with problems. A sympathetic person of your own gender can feed into your own bitterness and fear, in a similar way that a sympathetic member of the opposite sex. It's up to you personally, whether your mind or will chooses to bend towards it.
If we have a good strong moral base and try to make the right choices, then the internet is just another place that you need to work to apply the your principles. Just because something is new and different, does not mean that we abandon the values that we live by.  | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 11:33:23 AM |
Do you think that the internet explosion (especially the social networks) has made being unfaithful easier and more prevalent?
I agree that the internet has made being unfaithful very very easy! I have been emailed and IMed by men I later found out were married, even on my yahoo messenger I get IMs from married men pretending to be single. If it weren't for My space and guys being really dumb sometimes I wouldnt know they were married. The majority of the same guys use the same email/IM username as the email address for their my space account.
My ex cheated on me with a woman he met on POF. I didnt even know this site existed until that.
I think the internet allows people to be anonymous and thats the danger in it. There are some who are truly wanting to find something real (relationship wise) and some that are deceitful and will lie to get what they want. It's up to each individual to exercise some caution. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 11:50:58 AM | | Someone who is going to cheat is going to cheat regardless of how easy it is. Sure maybe the internet has made it easier, but if that's not a part of a person's character, they won't do it regardless of how easy it is. If it IS part of thier character, they will regardless of how difficult it is. The "oops" factor is complete BS anyway. If you're in a committed relationship you just don't allow those "opportunities" to make that mistake happen. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 1:41:21 PM | Opportunities for both men and women are everywhere. The internet is just another set of opportunities that are easier to get because you don't even need to leave your home to get those opportunities.
Fidelity is a choice. Do you chose to be in a committed relationship and not take advantage of those opportunities or do you chose to be unfaithful and cheat by taking those opportunities.
The people who use excuses like "oops" or "it was an accident" or "it was just one time" or "it didn't mean anything" are cowards without the internal discipline to be in a committed relationship nor do they have the respect for themselves and the people they "love" around them. There are no excuses for cheating no matter how easy or difficult it is to do because it is all up to choice. The internet is just another excuse for people who don't have the internal fortitude to be in a committed relationship in the first place. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 5:02:24 PM | Like anything else there is a learning curve for people to adjust to. The internet has given a lot of opportunities for good and bad things. We are still in the middle of sorting them out.
Personally, I believe that the ease of getting additional knowledge cancels out the advantage of shysters once the learning curve catches up. Evolution continues in electronic form.
I've never cheated, but I am guilty of not being aware of how my actions affect other people. Education through these forums makes significant changes. Never be too trusting too soon. Patience is the key word. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 6:12:46 PM |
Suddenly, Steve is my venting place, and I am his. Before too long, we are no longer "just friends". We are US against THEM. And couldn't it just be a matter of time before we seek comfort in each other's arms instead of each other's inbox?
Absolutely, the internet facilitates the cheater. But, once again I'll get flamed by stating my belief that men and women cannot be just true friends. One or the other will want "more". Maybe not even at the same time but the temptation of sexually consumating an intellectual relationship is very much there.
In a real friendship, intimacy is a requirement. This may or may not be a sexual type of intimacy, but we are humans. We have drives. There is no sexier organ than the brain.
Once again, it's all about Personal Character.
JMO | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 6:59:58 PM |
One or the other will want "more".
I think this is true... even when you try to convince YOURSELF that you can handle a "friends with benefits" relationship without developing stronger feelings. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:53:25 PM | But what about a "friends without benefits" thing? Is that possible online, or in real life? I don't mean to say that it's impossible to be friends with a member of the opposite sex and not eventually sleep with them- but like Ali said, is the potential always there? And does the anonimity and convenience of the internet make it even more of a possibility?
Back to Steve from Altadena...
(and please, people, there really is NO Steve. It's just an example. I have never cheated on anyone, never will, and I would never have a close friendship with a married man unless it was with him and his wife as a couple. I just don't think it's right. But because I started the Steve Scenario, I'll keep using "us" as an example.)
So, Steve and I IM and text a lot, especially at night. It's just "how was your day?" kind of stuff. Very innocent. But the thing is, before the internet and text messaging, Steve would never pick up the phone at 10 at night just to ask how my day was. And he would probably never call me in front of his wife, no matter how innocent the conversation was. Suddenly, whole conversations are private even if there's another person in the room. So even if Steve and I have a completely platonic relationship forever, isn't the secrecy of our conversations a form of cheating in and of itself?
I know that there have always been people that cheat, and always wil be. But I strongly believe that the internet has not just made it easier, it has created a situation in which the incidents of cheating have exploded. And I think many, many people have cheated that would not have if they had only had 3D. It's just a matter of convenience, secrecy, and anonimity. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:57:01 PM | Depends alot on a persons values, and principals to a degree as well.  | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:01:35 PM |
isn't the secrecy of our conversations a form of cheating in and of itself?
If you do something that you do not want your SO to know about, then yes, it's cheating. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:12:03 PM |
But what about a "friends without benefits" thing? Is that possible online, or in real life? I don't mean to say that it's impossible ... but ... is the potential always there?
It is possible both on line and in real life. I have a number of female friends, and I would never put those friendships at risk. It would be like sleeping with my sister. Once I get clear that someone isn't available or appropriate as a sex partner, that's it. Doesn't mean I don't love them. I love them dearly. | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2007 8:14:33 AM |
It is possible both on line and in real life. I have a number of female friends, and I would never put those friendships at risk. It would be like sleeping with my sister. Once I get clear that someone isn't available or appropriate as a sex partner, that's it. Doesn't mean I don't love them. I love them dearly.
Absolutely! (No offense intended Eeek...) | |
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2007 1:33:00 PM |
It is possible both on line and in real life. I have a number of female friends, and I would never put those friendships at risk. It would be like sleeping with my sister. Once I get clear that someone isn't available or appropriate as a sex partner, that's it. Doesn't mean I don't love them. I love them dearly.
You boys keep missing it. "Once I get clear that someone isn't available"....see, the Potential for an intimate relationship existed in your mind, if only for a moment. How can you be sure that your female "friend" isn't interested? People will do most anything if they believe that there is a "future" with someone, even so far as playing the sympathetic ear to their friends' love life dramas. Biting their tongues as they listen to them complain about all the Losers in their life. You telling me you've never thought, "why doesn't she see me? I'm here for her"?
Especially when your friends has Problems. You're a sympathetic, sincere, empathetic listener. This can lead to someone seeking comfort from their friend even if there was no romance there before.
Why do I keep hearing, "I didn't want to ruin a good friendship"? This is much more prevelent then you want to admit. Just because you don't act on it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
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| Easy to Cheat?
Posted: 9/24/2007 2:45:28 PM | In keeping with the thread I must say, from personal experience, it is extremely easy to cheat on a spouse, LTR or SO. It has happened to me in two of my last three LTRs. Eventually my Liedar kicked in and confronted the offending party with my suspicions and they were grudgingly confirmed.
In response to recent posts, I have been in the position of having feelings for someone I was friends with and not acting on them out of fear of losing that friendship. In many cases the friend felt the same and, I found out too late, had the same fear.
Also, I had romantic feelings for a woman for over 10 years and never acted on them. We were each others sympathetic ear as she was unhappily married and I was in a faltering LTR.
Even when she threw her self at me, in a drunken state, I refused her because I knew it would be the end of our friendship.
As it turned out both of our spouses were cheating on us at that time.
Don't know what this has to do with the price of tea, just thought I'd throw my two Wons worth in. | |
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