| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:31:59 PM | | i met a lady who has had 5 marraiges/relationships...all to alcoholics, drug users, and/or crack heads. each one lasted 4-5 years. she wants to break the cycle of these dysfunctional gigs and have a healthy relationship that would hopefully last...forever. in only 3-4 months of her last breakup, she contacted me. she has done no studying, nor has had any counseling on how to have a healthy relationship...but indicates a sincere desire to break away from the world of losing at 'love'. but for me....its red flag city...big time. has anyone else run into this? seems to me that one who goes from one bad relationship to another to another...has a real problem. should i give it a chance anyway? speak to me.... | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:42:21 PM | Has Elvis spoken to you lately? do you need your head candled?
you already know the answer to your question, the answer RUN FOREST RUN
remember the old saying dont let the door hit your ass on the way out? make sure it does and leave a mark, RUN FOREST RUNNNNNNNNNN | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:45:24 PM | Are you an alcoholic, druggie, crack head ? No right ? Perhaps you are her stepping stone out of it and she sees that in you .
Oh big question though ? Is she a druggie ? In my experience the constant intervention always kills the relationship after a while. It becomes too odd for the man to take on the role of nurturer when that is the womans front. Just in case she is a user.
Otherwise try to help her by being a decent guy for her for a change. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:50:03 PM | Hi....I think that you know the answer to your question. I've read a lot of books and watched some good shows on addiction. There's a pattern here and as you've indicated, she hasn't done anything to rectify her problems. I've learned (through various sources) that oftentimes we contribute to our problems in life - by our behaviour patterns, our interpretations to events, our reactions to things that happen either indirectly or directly to us, etc. Even if her relationships were most of her doing, you can be certain that she contributed to the downfall of them in some ways.
I have a suggestion for you - say that you would prefer just to remain friends, if you can handle that (no sex though) until she gets some kind of help - whether that be seeing a counsellor who is experienced in dealing with relationship issues as well as self-esteem issues (she has this problem otherwise she wouldn't keep dating the 'wrong' type of guys). She should also get some good books from the library so that she can do some work on herself. She also needs to spend some time alone, since she seems to be hopping from one relationship to another - a lot of people are just simply terrified of being alone (living alone too), but we all should do this between relationships (at least for a while) so that we can do some analysis - like how we contributed to the downfall of our relationships and how we should and could do things differently next time (so as not to repeat past mistakes), also how not to be so dependent on another human being for love, as we should learn to love ourselves first, etc. etc. You could ask her to 'work on herself' (word this better than I did though), and then she call you a year from now (or whenever you feel would be sufficient) - or anything else instead of dating her now. I think she shouldn't be in another relationship with you or anyone else at this time - it's much too soon (only 4 months ago she was in a relationship - that's fast!).
There's just no way I would date someone with her pattern of neediness, lack of self-esteem, and not being able to be alone for any significant period of time. She needs to change herself from the inside out. This takes time - not just a few months.
That's my opinion. Good luck to you. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:51:30 PM | | It takes two to make a good or bad relationship. She's had five bad ones. Does she take any responsibility for her part in that? It's been only a few months since she ended her last bad relationship. I'd say she needs to work out some issues on her own before she is healthy enough to contribute to a good relationship. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:53:47 PM | The operative question is "Are you nuts?" Seriously. She may mean well, and may truly desire a normal relationship. However, it appears that she has done nothing to identify the reason(s) that lead her to chose those men, nor has she done anything to correct them.
She apparently has no experience with good relationships. If she gets involved with a decent man, I would expect her to be anxious and act out because she is not experiencing the weird behaviors she is used to. I don't see anything good coming from this. I think that the best that you could hope for from this is to be there for her and help her put her life back together. And, once she has done that, watch her leave to find someone new.
There is some measure of satisfaction that comes from helping someone, but it is not worth this cost. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:55:22 PM |
should i give it a chance anyway?
Well, after posting her private information publically.....
I wish ya the best of luck. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 8:59:26 PM | | You know what ...... I just read your profile and NOW I think YOU have a major problem too. You put something like, "If you're a user, sociopath, boozer, etc. don't tell me, ok?" on your profile!!! What's wrong with you? That line (above) just proved to me that you have no self-esteem either!! No wonder you wouldn't mind dating this woman - and you obviously are thinking of it! I'm beginning to think that YOU ARE the DESPERATE one in this situation. That line you wrote says a lot about you and I can assure you that none of it is positive! You have major issues - some of them self-esteem ones too. You, and this woman you're talking about, have a lot in common. You need help too. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:06:46 PM | | seriously never is unlucky in love mean that the right one isn't out there what it means is she is perhaps looking for love in all the wrong places. Eventually if given a chance her dream will come true with time and others supporting her and helping guide her in the right direction..... | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:06:47 PM | | What makes you think she's ready for you? Likely you are a simple rebound to the next bad boy. And if she stays with you she'll probably cheat with one. Good luck if you decide to pursue. | |
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biknut
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Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:18:49 PM | I meet/talk with people often who don't tell me this at first, but I believe they need someone else to rescue. I don't think they realize it, but the more I hear them talk, the more I think it. And there are always a few folks who just something dramatic to talk about, usually to everyone who will listen.
But if she just needs someone to rescue, and you are "somewhat normal" to her, how long will you be interesting???
$.02 | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:37:47 PM | Based upon your testimony, this person is a bonafide Loser-Chooser.
She's had great success in choosing losers.
Now, you're number has come up! Hurrah!!!
Maybe she knows you better than we do.
Maybe better than you know your self.
Either way, You are number 6. HAVE FUN! | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:32:51 PM |
all to alcoholics, drug users, and/or crack heads. each one lasted 4-5 years.
hhhmmm, i don't know her and can't comment on her as a person. but just wondering her sense of judgment in life.
but if you want to and she is willing, i don't see the problem... | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:48:54 PM | It seems like that kind of track record has almost as many red flags to someone as being almost 40 and never married at all. They're two totally different things of course, but it sounds like this person needs a lot of help, self reflection and counselling to figure out what she's doing to attract these short(ish) term relationships that seem abusive on one level or another.
We teach others how to treat us, so she really needs to look within to see what she may be contributing, why she's attracting these types and what she needs to change in order to attract the right one. It starts within her though and only she can help herself there. Looking to someone else or outside circumstances to help her change that isn't going to do the trick. It's admirable that she wants to improve the situation, just don't get stuck being the person she wants to save her. She really REALLY needs to figure it out how on her own, build her strength and self esteem and find out who she really is without the distraction of a relationship. But again ~ it has to be her choice!
Anyway ~ at most OP you might want to be a friend for now and help her see what direction she needs to go in. I don't know that it would work out before she's ready for it and it's clear she isn't. Don't be the next 'vicitim' unless you really want to be.
All the best to you :-) | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 10:57:26 PM | Wow what a history this woman has. I gotta agree with the other's......RUN.
It's doubtful this woman would even know how to be treated like a lady. She seem's the type of person who has a very low self esteem, and is prepared to take up with anyone who gives her the slightest bit of attention.
If most of her previous relationship's were with druggies and drinker's, then you have to question HER lifestyle. How did she get to meet these loser's in the first place? | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 11:34:46 PM | | First off, she recognizes there's a pattern and wants to break it, so suggest she get some help in doing that. Meanwhile, and I don't mean this to be funny in the least, you might ask yourself if she participated in the alcohol, drugs, and stuff, or if she drove those guys to it, lol. Seriously, you need to get to know her, before dating her. Find out what the deal was, and not just assume it was all the wrong guys, although I know firsthand what it is to get into a pattern of choosing the wrong partners (though mine were not in that particular dysfunctional category). Whatever you decide, hope things work out for you both. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 12:09:31 AM | Stay far far away man
People attract like minded people. If she is attracting crack head alchoholics something has to be seriously wrong | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 1:30:05 AM | We are so quick to judge. An alcoholic/addict can be just about anyone. I see it everywhere - I know people that show the tendancy of being alcoholic, but they are normal people living normal lives (they are not homeless or socieo economically challenged and living on welfare), but they have a problem and the unfortunate thing is that they do understand this and live in denial that they are.
Alcoholism is a disease that affects people of all race, religion, ethnic orgin and does not discrimate between politicians, nurses, secretaries, store clerks or teenagers and the rich and famous; it can be your parent, your child, your sibling or your best friend. Alcoholics/addicts cannot control their compulsion but that does not make them "bad" people; they just cannot manage their obsession or craving to drink/drug.
OP, there is hope for your friend because she has an awareness of the fact that her life has become unmanagable and sees a pattern that she needs to break. She may be a rescuer, martyr or enabler or all three and not really understand why she is or how she got to be this way. The disease can affect people in many ways and a lot of people are very unaware of the fact that they have been affected. One can grow up with the disease and not understand the impact this disease had on their lives. On the "outside" the "appearances" are very normal, but one never know what goes behind closed doors; sometimes people choose to turn a blind eye and live in denial because of the shame they feel.
The key that she needs to seek the help and support of other people who have been affected by alcoholism. If she has the willingness to learn then she will do whatever it takes to get herself out of this "cycle" and will evolve and change to be a different person; she can unlearn the unhealthy behaviours and implement tools in her live that will allow her to . She can look up Al-anon and contact them for more information about their program and for support. The key is that she needs to make the choice to reach out for help and all you can do is point her in the direction.
IMO, people need to gain a better understanding of this disease before they judge and criticize. It is surprising what one may learn. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 1:50:59 AM | Not gonna say it would be an instant "run away", but I would certainly keep my eyes open.
Personal experience, once or twice might not bother me, but *5* times I would start to wonder if she's just a complete "drama queen" and "eats up" the drama from the relationships. I might give it chance, but the first sign that she was trying to *create* drama in the relationship (which most "drama queens" are apt to do, create "drama" to have something to "fix"), I'd be out of there... don't need that in my life.
The big question in my mind would be, does she *own* her part in those relationships, or does she blame it all on them being addicts/alcoholics, and place herself in a "martyr" role like she has no blame (even though the reality is she *chose* them and *chose* to stay as long as she did)? That would be a big glaring "red flag" to me. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 5:23:30 AM | OP, you have your head screwed on right. She might be ready for friends, but she needs to figure out why she went into relationships with these men, commit to changing her behaviour so that she no longer needs to pursue these self-destructive behavioural patterns, and then she'll be ready to date. You can be an encouragement and support for her to pursue that. Till then, though, her need for self-destruction will ultimately destroy every relationship she is in, in a downward spiral.
Also, why is she attracted to you?
That's my experience. Every time. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:27:20 AM | No one, absolutely no one would have a relationship with someone if right at the very first meeting that person said: " hi! I'm a --------------------" (please pick one: addict, philanderer, allergic to work, abuser, etc). Oh, if life were only that simple - we would never take up with people like that, would we?.
But, as others have pointed out, your friend will have to have gone through some deep introspection (or received proffessional help, if applicable), to identify what it is within herself that she always chose these type of people. Her need to be in 'fix'er- upper' relationships does not need to stem from anything sinister, she may just not have had functional relationship role models in life, or has deep-rooted insecurities. Either way, she needs to identify her part in these choices and understand where it went wrong, and why it was doomed to failure right from the start. Once she has done that, she will be ready for a normal, healthy relationship.
For her to just say you are the one that will fix this for her, casts you in the role of her saviour, without her ever having gotten any wiser. And - being put on a pedestal as high as this, just gives you further to fall if any differences between you should occur.
I do not doubt her sincerity at all, nor would I presume she is unworthy of being your girlfriend. Just take it *very* slow, and do a lot of talking about these things, before you enter into a full-blown relationship. Good luck.
*C* | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:33:28 AM | I think your instincts of red flag city are correct.
I am a female so from my side of it... I have met guys who were "wronged" by ex's... employers and everyone in general and I just got away from them. Red flag city is right.
Some people have a knack of BLAMING others for all their issues. I think you met one of them. It is a victim mentality and poison to healthy relationships and people. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:44:06 AM | | This person needs counselling and friends/family to rely on. I don't see how getting into a relationship until she is well again would benefit anyone involved. | |
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| 5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:53:46 AM | All you have is HER word here, right? Well, I have encountered women who make similar claims, but some are FAR from the truth.
One woman I met online had already had 3 marriages, and also claimed practically every man she'd ever been with was abusive - or an alchoholic - or a drug addict - or beat her - or mentally abused her - or whatever. I bought all that crap hook line and sinker - but after getting to know her - and her previous husband - I feel certain if those men really were abusive she probably created the problem herself. Why? Because SHE was abusive! I know that sounds pathetic for a man to say, but she was, and the only way to deal with her was to stand up to her. If you didn't she'd actually try to bully and intimidate a man.
Her previous husband and his new wife and I are friends now, and he seems like a pretty decent guy to me. To tell you the truth, I think if they ever really had gotten physical, she would have kicked his @ss! She's bigger than he is and a whole lot meaner! lol
I honestly believe if that particular woman married GHANDI - if wouldn't be long before Ghandi would be going to jail for domestic violence! lol!
Look - some people are consummate liars. If the woman has had 5 marriages - there is a REASON for that. That means there are AT LEAST 5 men walking around out there who would probably tell a VERY different story.
DON'T IGNORE YOUR GUT DUDE! It's screaming at ya that this could be trouble! If it wasn't, you wouldn't have put up this post! :) | |
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