| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/13/2005 3:24:23 PM | 
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/13/2005 3:56:09 PM | 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
11.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
12.WARNING: Crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
These are not jokes but i think they sure tell it like it is and are hillarious. | |
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Posted: 5/13/2005 4:03:34 PM | 2 newfies walk into a bar! ya think one of them would have seen it!  | |
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Posted: 5/13/2005 10:59:12 PM | | iwanna, you have to be a canuck to laugh at this one. | |
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Posted: 5/15/2005 8:12:26 AM | | warning: consumption of alcohol may lead to you believing you can tell jokes.......NOT | |
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Posted: 5/15/2005 10:55:26 AM | | to princees ......i liked the one with the hamburg and the cable one too | |
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/15/2005 8:39:05 PM | What does every "tickle me elmo" doll get before leaving the factory?
two TESTickles! ROCK ON! | |
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/15/2005 9:12:41 PM | Guy walks into a bar and all his friends that are there start laughing.
"What the hell are you laughing at"? He asks, inufuriated.
"Mick, you're such a fool. A few of the lads walked past your house last night and we noticed that your bedroom light was on and the curtains were closed. But we could see the shadow of you and your wife getting it on"
Mick thinks for a minute.
"Ah well boys, the jokes on you. I wasn't home last night" | |
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azrael
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Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 11 | |
| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/27/2005 11:37:22 PM | i always thought elmo had no testicles........ i'm waiting for the finger me elmo personally.
ok bar jokes..... ah i got one.....
guy and his girl go into a bar, the guy starts to shoot some pool while the girl decides to sit at the bar. few minutes later a drunk comes by and sits down next to the girl and says " i wanna kiss you real hard" to which the girl replies ' if you don't leave me alone i'm gonna tell my boyfriend and he's gonna kick your ass". the drunk turns back to his beer and keeps drinking. little while later he agian turns to the girl and says " i wanna grab your tit, twist your nipple untill you scream". the girl replies " this is your last warning, leave me alone or my boyfriend will kick your ass", agian the drunk goes back to his beer. a little while later the drunk once agian turns to the girl and says ' i wanna turn you upside down, fill your twat with beer and drink it all out" the girl says " thats it, i'm getting my boyfriend".
she runs over to the guy and says " honey, honey, that guy over there said he was gonna kiss me real hard", the boyfriend says " oh really?" and rolls up his sleeves a little. she gets a little excited and says " yeah, yeah, then he said he was gonna grab my tit and twist my nipples till i screamed", once agian the guy replies " oh really?" and rolls up his sleeves a little more. really excited now she says " yeah, yeah, then he said he was gonna fill my twat full of beer and drink it all out", the guy urns around rolls down his sleeves and goes back to the pool game. puzzled she says " honey? aren't you gonna kick his ass?". the guy replies "i'm not screwin with any man that can drink that much beer!" | |
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jconk
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Joined: 4/21/2005
Msg: 13 | |
| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/28/2005 12:15:55 PM | | so a guy gets on the internet get a date with this hot chick goes to her house to pick her up and finds out she is in a wheel chair he takes it in stride and takes her out to dinner after dinner they go to the bar and have a few drinks on the way home she suggests they go stop at the park she says she will make it worth his while. so here it turns out he might get some where. so he takes her out of the car and she says lets go over there under the tree. when they get to the tree she says pick me up and put my arms over these branches. the guy is going is this chick for real. so they get of the good foot and do the bad thing.when they are done he helps her get back to the car and drives her home. he pushes her up to the door and gives her a good night kiss. her dad gets the door as she wheels in and turns the corner her father slips him a hundered dollar bill and says thanks for bringing her home. he looks at her father. her father said all the rest of the guys just left her in the tree. | |
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/29/2005 2:37:44 PM | So these two guys are drinking in a bar, said bar being in one of those revolving restraunts on top of skyscrapers and such. They're well along, both drunk and talking nonsense, and one of them says "You know what's great about this place? The way the place spins creates one of those wind tunnel kind of things. You could jump out that window there, and you wouldn't fall." To which the second guy replies, of course "Bullshit." This goes back and forth until it reaches the "Money where your mouth is stage".
So, the first guy puts his money on the table says "here, hold onto my glasses for me,". Then, he straightens his tie, jumps out the window, and floats in midair for 5 seconds before floating back in. Puts on his specs, picks up his money, laughs like hell.
Second guy says "Hell, there's a bet I don't mind losing, best money I ever spent", jumps out the window, falls thirty stories to his gruesome death.
As the first guy uses his winnings to pay his bartab, the bartender says "You're and ***hole when you're drunk, Superman. | |
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/29/2005 6:39:54 PM | so the 2 drunk were walking down the street,wanting a drink so bad,but the neither one had any money. they pass a hot dog stand and beg a hotdog from the vendor. ralph says to geroge,"hey,ive got a great ideal!! i will put this hotdog in my pants,and we will go to a bar,drink all we want,and then i'll unzip,and pull the hotdog out,and you just fall down and really start to suck on it!! then they will just throw us out! groge thinks this is a great ideal,so off they go. at the first bar they come,the plan works perfectly. at the second bar,the plan once again goes without a hitch. this goes on and on,until the eight bar. By this time they are slobering drunk. as they are leaving the bar gerorge says,Hy rralpfh,givee ne tha hotdog,cause i m hngrey. ralph looks at him and says,"oh,i ate that at the third bar" | |
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/29/2005 8:48:04 PM | To princess that was funny as hell
i got one
A guy runs in a bar and order 4 shots . The bartender says, " Jesus buddy whatcha celebrating ".
Slamming the shots the guy says " My first BJ",
The Bartenders says ," Wow what are you 30? You know what . Fifth shots on the house"
The guy looks at the bartender and say " No thanks, cause if these four shots don't get the taste out of my mouth the fifth won't." | |
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| BAR JOKES ~~~~~~~~
Posted: 5/29/2005 10:33:49 PM | | did you here about the seal that walked into the club? | |
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