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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:24:39 AM | | Recently met someone, and i think there is potential here, but not sure. He has said things like "must be your other boyfriend" when my phone rings late in the evening, or, uses the word "girlfriend" when talking about me, and making me laugh about situations that could happen, or saying " I'm gonna wait till your more attached to me before I introduce you to my friends". He's affectionate, and has no problem with pda. Yet, he doesn't call or e-mail. I realize that people are busy, sometimes frightfully so, but I do drop e-mails, letting him know that I'm thinking of him, letting him know that I do enjoy our time together, leaving everything very light and open. But, I have also let him know that I have standards, and that communication is important to me. We've only been seeing each other for about a month, and intuitively, I feel that I should be patient. But another part of my wants to run screaming the other way. What's up with this behaviour? And men say WOMEN are confusing!!! Sheesh. Any advice from you guys would be greatly appreciated. I really am a patient person, and not very demanding, but I am confused here, and not sure what to do. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:30:10 AM | At first it sounded like he has jealousy issues... but maybe not?
Does he know when you are around to take your calls? Does he work and run 24/7?
Only time I don't call at least once every few days is when I'm extremely busy or I'm just not (ready to be) that close... | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:35:30 AM | Men are not confusing.. women make things seem confusing by thinking about the unknown too much.
Ask him about his behavior and see what he says.
See.. was that hard? | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:42:56 AM | Listen to your intuition. I've found men don't like writing as much as women do. They like talking on the phone more.
You don't really give enough info though. Does he goes days with no contact and no replies? That would be a red flag for me. Or is it simply that he doesn't reply to your every email?
You're new into this relationship. This is simply the itme to get to know each other and keep your eyes and ears open for red flags. | |
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Posted: 9/28/2007 8:06:24 AM | | Phone calls and e-mails never felt very intimate to me, and sometimes made me miss my lady even more. Maybe he's just a guy that preferes to be affectionate in person and doesn't like the phone or computer much. Only time will tell. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 8:16:18 AM | answers to some of your questions: i don't think anyone runs 24/7, and the no-contact thing is a red flag for me. It spells "not interested". I did mention this to him, and my standards, and let him know that going days without any kind of contact, and I mean like 5 days, is just not acceptable for me. As far as jealousy issues, he's been very open in discussing his past experiences, and the fact that he was hurt by them, and deeply. ( I know! A man that TALKS about his feelings! Shocker!) So, I've been careful to keep my smartassery under control, for the most part, and have teased a bit, but followed it up with very nice words, just so he is sure that I'm only teasing. He has been patient with the sex thing, but I'm sorry, I'm human, and need sex like I need air, food, water and sleep. No particular order there.So, to answer your question, yes, I've slept with him, but neither of us got much sleep. But, when I've said no, he's been affectionate, hasn't pressured, and apologized for behaving like an animal, and has said that he has a hard time keeping his hands to himself when I'm near. But, no means no, and he's respected that. But, I have maintained that I'm not interested in a sex only relationship, spending more time doing things together than having sex, or even spending a long time together. We've had two long dates, the rest have been short and sweet.
As for no e-mails or phone calls, I'm almost tempted to return his book, and let him know that I'm interested in seeing someone who is going to pay attention to me a little more than he is. His profession keeps him very busy, and he is on call all the time, and has as strong work ethic, and keeps his kids a priority, and I accept this, but that doesn't mean that I should also have to put up with it. ( The no contact thing, that is, not the work/family ethic.) I sense he is just as afraid as I am to get hurt, and I'm very willing to take it slow, but I also don't want to waste my time and emotions on someone who isn't into me, or, and this is one of my favourites " I don't know what I want". To me, that says, "I don't want this from you". I would prefer honesty over anything, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not by nature an impulsive person, and tend to be reserved, and yes, perhaps I'm overthinking all of this, but guys, as a woman, I tend to do this. I envy men their ability to stay focused on a task to completion. So, guys, what would you like a woman to do in this situation? I really have no problem answering questions that might clafiry the situation, and if asking him about what is going on would be something you would suggest, then how would I go about doing that, without sounding overbearing or demanding. I just want some honesty, so I can make a decision, about whether to hang around and see what develops, or move on. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 8:17:03 AM | I have said this a million times...
If a guy really likes a female, he will do whatever it takes to keep in contact with her during a day. there is NOBODY too busy NOT to at least throw you a text, phone call, or email during the day.
Even a phone call saying "hey, really busy today, but just calling for a few minutes to say hey to you"......there isnt anyone too busy not to make that phone call....
Back in the day when there was no such thing as cell phones, texting, emailing, men and woman could get away with that excuse.... in today there is just too many ways of communication..... | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 8:26:52 AM |
no-contact thing is a red flag for me. It spells "not interested".
I agree with this. I've been with women who if I didn't call them everyday they gave me a really hard time about it. I'm sorry, but it almost sounds like all he is wanting is the sex... | |
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Posted: 9/28/2007 10:15:23 AM | I would just like to say Thanks for all of the replies. I am going through a simular situation and this has helped. GONE FISHING! | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:24:10 AM | My mantra: Trust your gut. Trust your gut. Trust your gut.
Huge indicator for me is always the degree to which actions match words. When I see those diverge much at all, I regard that as a huge red flag. One which I have learned never to ignore. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 8:06:29 AM | well guys, thank you for your input. I decided the straightforward approach was one I was going to try, and I asked him what was going on. But first, you have to know what an odd occurence it was. I had just left work, and was walking out of work and at that moment he drove right past me, screeched the brakes, and waiting while I hopped in. Weird. Anyway, we went for coffee and a walk, and I said that I would like to talk to him. Now, six months ago, I would have approached this situation with defensiveness, and use an accusatory voice, but I put the brakes on that, and decided instead to let him know what I do like about him, and how I do enjoy spending time together, but that I was confused and hurt about the lack of communication, and wanted clarification. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say, I have a better understanding of his nature, and the fact that he is very driven to achieve a particular goal. I guess, really, all of this was an issue with me, and my need to control everything and everyone around me. This was pointed out by a dear friend, whom I trust and love. It's easy to get ruffled when someone isn't living up to your expectations, or won't behave the way you want them to, but then the issue isn't with them, it's with you. So, I've decided that this particular man is important to me, and we both feel that things happened very quickly, but, and I know some of you may groan, I DO trust that he is being honest with me when he says he isn't playing me, and that he truly is super busy. That he will make the effort to stay in contact, but for now, slow is the speed it's gonna be. I can accept this. If, in the end, things don't go in a particular direction, I KNOW I've just made a friend for life, and that's a good feeling. Just because we meet someone, and it doesn't go the way we want it to, doesn't mean we should write them out of our lives. I would rather have an man in my life as a friend, one who has integrity and is honest, than to say "my way or the highway pal". But, each situation is different, but in this case, I guess I'm gonna learn to do things a bit different.
Thanks again guys, if I have more questions, I'll be sure to ask. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 8:49:04 AM | Doesn't contact you on a regular basis = can't build a relationship.
MEANING: He isn't interested in (one or both) a relationship, or you. (sorry!, not trying to be mean!)
Men who want a relationship FIND the time to communicate, even if it's just a quick call in-between meetings and *have to do’s*. If the interest is there, if it's a priority at all, he will make the time for it. This goes for men and women.
It doesn't hurt to ask him though. A simple "hey... what's up?" is always an option. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 8:58:11 AM | | I am glad you clarified some things. One, you two got intimate. But his lack of communication then later on made you not want to have sex with him. Two, he pushed, but accepted your no for an answer. Three he continued, being non-communicative. Too bad you seem to like this guy, but I personally consider myself one that is not constantly calling and being all over my woman, but I do believe that if you're intimate with one person, sex is an extension of other facets of the relationship, not just the only think. And you have realized that as well, that is why you stopped having sex with him. Your instinct knew better. What sounds you got here, is a guy who is a master of the excuse. My career, I am a busy person, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line he doesn't come through. So my advice ditch him. He is only going to communicate when he thinks he may have a chance to have sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, for a guy or a woman, or wanting a lot of sex. But it goes both ways. When it goes one way, or only to satisfy the interest of one person it will be doomed to disaster. Good luck. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:20:12 AM | You are...
1) Being played
2) Dating a guy that just doesn't think to call. They happen. Deal with it, or move on.
~J~ | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:36:58 AM | | I think actually, the problem is with me and my need to control everything and everyone around me. BUT, I hear ya guys. :) I'm just saying I can move on, without being resentful, and would rather make a friend as I go. But I have definitely learned something. I can't make people behave in the ways that I want them to, all I CAN do is accept them the way they are, and live my own life, and deal with my own issues. But understand, just because you accept someone, doesn't mean you have to put up with that someone, or their behaviour. Sorry. I know I"m being vague, and not giving the whole story here, but I am actually pressed for time LOL, and have the answers I was seeking. Thank you :) | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:39:14 AM |
So, I've decided that this particular man is important to me, and we both feel that things happened very quickly, but, and I know some of you may groan, I DO trust that he is being honest with me when he says he isn't playing me, and that he truly is super busy. That he will make the effort to stay in contact, but for now, slow is the speed it's gonna be.
What you've done now is moved into the Friends with Benefits catagory by accepting his behavior. Not only that but you've guilted yourself into believing that your a control freak and expect too much. I've been where you are and there's only one way this will end. You most certainly are being played. The reason he doesn't call you is because you simply don't cross his mind until he gets to thinking about the next romp. How is it that you get together? He must call then. . . has he ever planned a date or are they spur of the moment hookups? | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 10:21:37 AM | | When he doesn't call or stay in communication regularly, it mean he is not interested. That is one of the most painful realities of dating today. I'm older and thought it just happened to me, but after reading many threads, it happens to young and old. And sex is no guarantee that he's into you. After sex, if that's all he wants then he disappears. So, welcome to dating in the new Millenniium. Oh, and all the conversation, means nothing if he is not into you. You just have to delete his phone number, push yourself back out there, and remember the new golden rule of dating, "I really may not be that into you, but I want it." | |
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Posted: 9/29/2007 11:24:54 AM | | If people want to do something nothing will keep them from it, If people continuallyu make excuses they are not interested. If I'm interested in a woman I make every effort possible even though I run a business to make time if she means something to me. and imagine your my age , cute, and a musician and you live in my city ? interesting ! | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 1:16:08 PM | I have a problem with your original post, where he said:
I'm gonna wait till your more attached to me before I introduce you to my friends It sounds to me like you are not controlling, but he is. He wants to control when he talks to you, when you will meet his friends, and how much communicating he does.
You don't seem to have a control problem. You just want communication. I made a very lengthy post in another topic about this. It is information asymmetry. He controls all the information (about communication, who you meet, etc). Under those circumstances, you have a difficult time making a decision on whether or not this is a healthy relationship.
No wonder you are confused! You said you are going to be more patient. You are forced to be patient. Why? Because he is not revealing enough about himself for you to make a decision on whether to move on, or stay. OK..so you are patient. He has forced that issue. It sounds like he is keeping you in a box, taking you out when he wants to play.
Just my two cents. | |
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Posted: 9/29/2007 2:15:04 PM | | I would not waste my time trying to understand or figure him out. He gives mixed messages because he's just playing around. He is also manipulative, hence those comments he makes.When someone is not direct with you , you are not required to understand. | |
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Posted: 9/29/2007 2:36:31 PM | Before they married my father wrote to my mother everyday on the battlefield. We collected all the letters between them and had them copied and bound for all of us. Never realized old people could be so racy. LOL.
There is communication and there is insecurity. 5 days is a bit long though, unless he's got sister wives on the western slope. | |
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Posted: 9/29/2007 10:35:58 PM | Actually, I'm not "guilted" into feeling like I have control issues. Trust me, I do. I had an epiphany about this the other night, when a friend, who I trust and love dearly pointed it out to me. As for friends with benefits, I don't recall saying that at all. I said friends. And being able to move on without resentment. And yes, if someone is important enough, they make the effort. But I am guilty of wearing that shoe, as well. Dating someone, who was pushing to spend all kinds of time together, when I couldn't do that, and I was upfront about it, and I ended up ending the relationship because I was being, well, almost harassed, into spending time with them. I have a family, I'm a single parent, and I have interests and passions going on. So, I do know what it's like to be busy. I do know what it's like for some men out there who are driven, and who want something. Men are goal oriented, that's how they are wired. I get it. But, I also want someone to pay attention to me, and put an effort in the relationship, as well as communicating with me. But, I don't want, nor do I have time for calling someone every day to talk about nothing at all. "Went to work, came home, did dishes, took a shit, same old same old" when I have one of my kids who needs help with homework, or another one that needs to talk, or my violin studies are hurting because someone is saying to me " Well, if I were important enough to you, then, you would want to spend time talking to me on the phone, and being with me, and blah blah blah." So, there has to be balance. And, I also believe, that there has to be patience, as well as trying to understand all positions, rather than just my own. I've been on the other end of "Why dont you call me?", and have honestly been so busy, that I don't even have time for me, and I'm asking, well, why do I need to call you every single day, and even more than once a day, when we really arent going to be talking about much anyway? I could sure use some "me time" or, sleep. But, I was always honest. I WAS really busy. It wasn't that I wasnt into the guy, but after being hounded about it, I decided that that person was too needy, and I didn't like how it felt. So, I'm adjusting how I look at things, in the big picture. I've only known the man for over a month, things moved too quickly, way to quickly. I don't have the time or energy to really demand that someone else give more than I'm willing, or able to give right now. BUT, I've made a friend, and that's cool. And yes, I can switch gears like that. I'm not that emotionally invested.And if that's what it is, well, then I accept that, and quite happily. Sure, it hurts, and it would be nice for things to go further, but really, all I wanted was clarification. Not marriage. And I got it. Also, yes, the dates were planned. " Are you free such and such night, let's make plans, a movie, dinner, so forth and so on, or sometimes, let's do coffee." So, no, it wasn't just spur of the moment, although there was a few times that happened, and it didn't end in sex. All in all, I have learned a lot about myself, and if it does develop into something more down the road, great. At least, until that point, we've developed a friendship based in being open, and having the ability to adjust to life, to be honest, and to state " I like you, and I really hope that we can spend a great deal of time being friends, and letting things happen the way they are supposed to, rather than trying to force something to happen." Kinda like a flower, we really want to see the bloom that's hiding, but if we force it open, we kill it. Best just to let things bloom naturally, and enjoy the bloom itself.
As for the comment about my meeting his friends, I did ask, and was reassured that it was meant as a joke, that no, he wasn't worried about that, his friends aren't that way. Neither am I. Anyway, things are good on this end. And, I need sleep. So, good night all. | |
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| what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/29/2007 10:58:46 PM | He doesn't contact you for "up to 5 days"? Hmm, in my books, that's normal.
I'm a busy guy also, between work and a personal life (I have a life outside of a relationship as well). I try to arrange a date at least once a week. If the opportunity arises, a second date per week is also fine, otherwise a phone call or some such thing to say hi and maybe make some plans for the next date. But there are certainly times when it takes more than a week. That's just a factor of a busy life. If you've only been going out for a month, then this whole "more than 5 days" thing could only have happened twice or so. It sounds like a simple disconnect to me - you want more, he doesn't. There is no right or wrong answer for this stuff - it's a compromise that two of you must make if you decide the relationship is worth pursuing. | |
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