| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 7:00:46 AM | | I just got of a relationship with who I thought was a wonderful man and someone I would spend the rest of my life with. And yes, I met him on a singles dating site. His only comment is to me that he can't live in the country. I feel like this is a real cop-out. Why can't people just be completely honest. If he really cared for me there could be other solutions to our problems. How can I get him to be completely honest. If its something I have done, I need to know if its something that I need to change. Help. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 7:15:49 AM | | horselady1 - there are city people and country people and those inbetween. It might very well be the only issue he has with you. The environment in which someone choses to live their life is sometimes a strong preference because they don't feel right anywhere else but that environment. Would you be willing to live in a different environment to be with him? | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 7:50:48 AM | So what if he's already being honest with you in this? Would that disappoint you---that he doesn't have some hidden "reason" and that he's only trying to dump you? Sometimes some people state what they honestly feel so please don't discount him because you won't or can't bring yourself to believe him in this one thing.
Like already said some people cannot or do not adapt readily to the country vs city life----it wouldn't be the first time such a difference existed and caused a bit of discomfort for a couple. Country life isn't for everyone despite it's seemingly wonderful aspects to those who prefer it.
If you suspect him of not being honest and haven't yet TALKED to HIM about this I'd suggest this is something you need to correct ASAP. We don't know him or you so naturally your situation is also unknown---we can at best offer a few suggestions on what you might do. Personally I think your approach or thoughts about this are more potential trouble than his stated living perference-----you seem a bit distrusting and suspicious for what is probably no real of valid reason at this point. If this is so this budding relationship is doomed by you more than him--------look carefully at yourself and keep in mind only he can address your questions about his thoughts and feelings.
Best of luck----to both of you----sounds like it'll be very much needed! | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 8:51:26 AM | Perhaps he is being honest and farm livin’ isn’t the life for him. Don’t assume that there is something wrong with you. If you’re willing to compromise, then talk to him. If he isn’t willing to try to work out the country/city issue, then perhaps he just wasn’t as enamored with you as you thought. The only way to know for sure is to discuss the matter with him. I wish you luck. 
Dahlink, I love you, but give me Park Avenue. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:15:10 AM | | I completely understand this. My first marriage ended because I couldn't live in the country and he wouldn't move to the city. That was 20 years ago. To this day, if I can see a silo out the window, I'm miserable. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:16:35 AM | I grew up in a small north eastern Oklahoma red neck town of less than 3,000. As soon as possible, went to a city of over 300,000. Not a huge city by any means, but much more than my country life.
I could no more move to the country now than you, probably, could move into the city. It really sounds like the guy was being at least partially honest.
Then again, maybe he thought you were too "rural" in your ways for him.
Liz | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:20:16 AM | If you really love this man and want to build a life with him then don't expect him to change the essence of who he is to fit "your" preferences. He told you this is a limit for him and not something he can do - it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with what he can comfortably live with. You don't mention changing your life to fit his comfort zone so I guess this isn't something you are willing to do for him because you love him...
Keep things in perspective. No matter how much you love someone it doesn't always mean you will be compatible in a lifetime of living together. There is more to compatibility than just love. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:28:06 AM | | I don't know, the thought of cleaning horsey poop just doesn't appeal to me. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 12:10:01 PM | People in general often aren't honest because they THINK they are sparing your feelings. The reality is, they are only sparing their own.
Then there are people that really have no idea, the connection they once had, just evaporated.
It happens and it is life, and it bites...
Would it really make a difference if a person said I am just not that into you, and never really was?
I've pushed the issue, and that is the response I got. Lol Can't say it made me feel better, but it did give closure.
Perhaps more than anything you are looking for closure. | |
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ponie
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Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 1:34:19 PM | Ya know today must be " is this a good enough reason to get dumped" day....
HIS Symptom: Unhappy in the relationship....
HIS Cure : End relationship!!!
He was unhappy in the relationship!!!! So he ended it!!!! There are like a million excuses one can use for a break up... But it is still a break up!!!!!!!!!!
problem: your unhappy because you got dumped!
Solution: GET OVER IT!!!!!! and go fishing...
Sorry for your pain, but no matter what we all answer, it will not change his mind or bring him back!!!!!!!!! | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 1:59:27 PM | Thank you to everyone for your sincerity. Your right, being dumped isn't the easiest thing especially when he had me believing that we were going to be married. I will be ok, I guess I am just more disappointed that he hasn't been completely honest with me ( I know this because his mother called me today) And yes, I would compromise to make both of us happy. I am not selfish by any means. I don't regret any time I spent with him, he did have his wonderful traights.
Happy Fishing | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:01:12 PM | Were you so kind as to offer him the ultimatum of.....
If he really cared for me
...... he'd move to the country?
If you were unwilling to compromise,
then you're as thickheaded as he was.
It takes two, to make things work. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 4:26:20 PM | | If the man could not confront the situation and be honest about it, would you really want to spend the rest of your life guessing at problems and struggling amongst yourself to solve them? Often we fall in love with who the individual presents himself to be or who we see rather than what he really is. When you think of it in those terms, what have you really lost? Be thankful that you have not made a mistake that is very costly both financially and emotionally to correct. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 8:21:14 PM | | i made a big mistake moving to the country, there's nothing to do & now i'm trying to sell my house & move back to where i'm closer to things. if i meet someone & he insisted in living in the country that would be an issue for me. maybe he was being totally honest. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:12:49 PM | That may not be the only reason, but it is a big one. There is a huge difference. Have you thought about the reasons you don't want to live in the city?
I think most of the people have it right here: what did YOU offer to compromise.
I would believe it was a cop out if this is the first time he's ever mentioned it. But, I'll venture to say he's at least made some dissatisfied comment or sigh about the country life. If you belittled it or ignored it at the time it may have sent a message to him.
And not all guys are horrible. Here is a likily senario:
He KNOWS he hates the country life...I haven't read your profile, but I assume you like horses. What kind of horrid man would want you to give up your screenname sake for him? | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:38:21 PM | Dayum I hate sayin this...but....methinks...."He's Just Not That Into You". sigh. sad sigh.
Sux...but tis Reality.
He's not. Into you. The way you WANT him to be.
Please! Don't EVER compromise/change who you are...inside and out...for ANYONE.
In the long haul..not ever worth the ensuing pain. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 9:52:52 PM | Whats rhe problem? He realy can't live in the country; RED FLAG! ( incompatability)
OR he's lying to you; TWO RED FLAGS WITHA SNAP AND A SPIN! ( He's a liar!) | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 9/29/2007 10:49:29 PM | I think the REAL reason in any relationship breakup is the same thing...
He/she doesn't want to be with you any longer.
Reasons can be given, and you can believe them or not. But by focusing your attention on discovering the "real" reason - you are avoiding the truth. Which is ... he/she doesn't want to be with you any longer.
You may never know the "real" reason. The person who ended it may not actually know the "real" reason themself. They just know they don't want to be there any more, and pick a reason they think will fly.
It's hard to accept when somebody doesn't want to be with us any more. It hurts.
But the sooner you stop looking for "reasons", and start just accepting it (and realizing it is not because you did something "wrong"), the sooner you can move on with your life.
Good luck. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:09:06 AM | Maybe he is truly being honest and is not a country type of guy! Some people like the hustle bustle of the city and convenience. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself to think it is that he doesn't want to be with you. I could understand how it could put a strain on any relationship if you don't have all the pieces to factor in making it a complete relationship....now is the time to find out all those little likes and dislikes about each other.....
That is why they build houses in and out of the city! Good luck in your search! | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:33:53 AM | "How can I get him to be completely honest. If its something I have done, I need to know if its something that I need to change"
Based on what you say in your first post, it sounds like he's being honest. If he doesn't like country life by now, he's not going to change. Where one lives is an every-single- day thing. For me, no way in hell would I live in a big city. Well, maybe for just a little while, to organize an exit. But if a nice city girl did not want out, I'd be fooling myself to think otherwise. In fact, I did. Damn. Mustn't make that blunder again. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:42:13 AM | OP, I'm sorry,really really sorry! to hear that a relationship you had a lot of faith in fell apart on you.
But, I have to say that I am surprised to hear that a relationship running that deep hadn't sorted out the residential lifestyle issue sooner. Was the marraige potential something that the 2 of you had in fact discussed seriously, or was it more in the nature of YOUR dream? Not that I'm getting on you about dreaming!
"Never laugh at anyone's dreams, people who don't have dreams don't have much."
But I think you need to sit down and examine the idea that your dreams could over ride a conflict about something as fundamental as "where do we live?" There are a LOT of conflicts that can be controlled/compromised on/worked around,but assuming that the relationship is going to the level of marriage or committed cohabitation, "where do we live" is pretty much fundamental.
Did he ever speak up and SAY that he couldn't see himself living in the country? What about practical matters? These days, the times being what they are, I'd have serious doubts about the maturity(not to mention sanity) of anyone who could walk away from a decent job, profession, career or business based in a real(as opposed to cyber) location,simply to be with someone. Love is grand, but it doesn't buy much at the grocery store...
Your topic posed the question "what is the real reason?" What do you want us to say? That he just wanted some nooky and now he's had enough? That he found somebody he likes better? That his Mom doesn't like you? That he hates your cat?
I guess I do wonder why the subject of whether or not the 2 of you REALLY had a future together didn't include discussion of where that future was going to live, but then that's just me, I guess.
Cindy O | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:03:29 AM | If he knew your feelings before getting involved with you then, he should've voiced his conerns at that time, instead of letting the relationship evolve.
That said, a relationship involves work just like anything else and if two people want to move forward, then compromise is something you both have to do.
If he's not willing to discuss it, i would take that as a sign or an excuse to break it off.
He's just not that into you.
These things happen but, i wouldn't give in to someone who wouldn't be willing to give in to me or even talk it out. It says that all issues in the future will end with you being the one give in and you'll come to resent him for it. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:05:59 AM | | Oops. I see that in a different post you said the guy had proposed marriage 'when the time is right' and then suddenly broke contact. That is cold-blooded reptilian. While the inability to live in the same place is an honest reason to break up, and a damned substantial one, the sudden silent treatment is inhumane. How were you to guess that he had only changed his mind? For all you knew, he might have been blasted hell-to-hamburger in a car wreck. Silly you, huh? Maybe he didn't have the courage to tell you that, following intense inner struggle, he just cannot live in your kind of environment. Or maybe he plays with people, then tosses them in the trash and continues tripping blithely along. Anyway, a huge lack of confidence has been ripped open, and I don't see how it could be repaired easily. No company is better than bad company. | |
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| What is the real reason???
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:16:12 AM | Horselady.....IMO this is not a country/city issue. But an issue of compromise. There is no such thing as a 50/50 compromise. It is a give and take thing on both parts.
"If he really cared for me there could be other solutions to our problems." Although this is true, it well go for your side also. I think thwere is something you both have to change. How about a suburban locale? Somewhat city and somewhat country. But then sometimes there are those that do not want to comptomise, no matter how intent the relationship. Good luck......... | |
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