| single for too long??
Posted: 9/30/2007 10:26:28 PM | | My 11th anniversary of being divorced passed a few days ago and with a couple of short lived exceptions i havent really had a relationship to speak of in that time frame. Ive had plenty of time to sit and ponder every possible reason im still single and i thought i was comfortable with the fact that i just hadnt met the right one yet. Im a little picky but i know what im looking for and ive always justified my decisions to date or not date someone on the premise that i didnt want to settle. Not only to be fair to me but fair to someone else that could potentially be hurt by trying to make something work that im pretty sure wont. That being said, my question is to any other long term single people. I am starting to wonder if ive been single for so long that i wouldnt know a good thing if it walked up and knocked my teeth out. Im starting to feel like (as i look back) that maybe im too quick to end something or never even let it start. I am wondering if this is a by-product of being single for too long and maybe becoming too bitter. Any thoughts would be appreciated. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 2:59:49 AM | I made the mistake of staying single for 12 years. I was very happy to live out my life as a single guy, or at least I told myself that. I like you was very picky, but throw in several dates that were nightmares from hell and I ended up not dating at all for about five years, which was a huge mistake cause in that time I lost alot of social skills, I became very set in my ways, and more or less set myself up so that when someone came along that showed me a little attention, I fell for it hook line and sinker. Ended up in a whirlwind relationship that led to marriage in only a few months, then divorce six months later when she literally walked out of my life and moved back in with her ex husband before me. So this time around I've lowered my standards, for dates. Maybe I'll keep a high standard for who I'd want to end up with, but then I'm open now to someone just knocking my socks off, yet still cautious if one can understand that. The one thing I won't do this time is crawl into my hole and quit dating altogether again. I can deal with the nightmares much better now, so in answer to your question, yes, one can stay single to long. To many bad habits sink in, especially if you're used to being with someone.
Jim | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:04:45 AM | It has been 6 1/2 yrs. for me , and I feel exactly the same way you do.
I am beginning to think it is this whole computer dating thing. Friends of mine who have been divorced and do not spend time on dating sites, seem to find people in the real world pretty fast and easy.
I am thinking with the tremendous choices and simple " next " options we have are hurting us more than helping us.
It is certainly keeping us from feeling that connection with someone you can get when they walk into the room. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:15:17 AM | I am another who agrees with you all. I find that after being single for 8 years, it is tough to let go of the doing it myself and starting the lets do it together. I also find that I am more picky because seeing as I have been single this long, I don't need to settle for the first thing that comes along, but also find that I am worried that I may never find the one who will get me past that point. I just found during all that time that I just wasn't in the dating mood, and now that I am I find that I too have lost all the social graces, plus the technique to communicate with the opposite sex on the dating level. It is hard to let go of the single minded way of doing things, but it is darn lonely too. I am trying to be more open to the options, but find that a lot more games are played nowadays than were played when I was in the dating world. It also wasn't so hard as I was younger, in better shape, and more ready to go out and dance the night away. Now I am more settled and find that I don't want a life of running around and seeking out new things to while the night away, not that I am lazy, just that I have gotten into a rut of sorts. Guess time will bring it around with a few dates and being more open than I was in the past, but still find that I am not going to settle for someone who wants to date me just because I was offered. I still have my likes and dislikes and will still hold out for the one I can connect with on all levels, or maybe learn a thing or two lol. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:19:42 AM |
I am thinking with the tremendous choices and simple " next " options we have are hurting us more than helping us.
The people that come on POF like that are only cheating themselves. Especially those who are like "i want a relationship asap! not friendship. I have enough friends"
"Trying to hard" is what it is.
A lot come on here knumbed down and see each pic just on face value. It's so easy to unhumanize everyone based on a pic and reduce them to a styrofoam choice. He/she looks good.... he/she doesn't look good. next!!
It would scare anyone into being single for a long time. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:49:19 AM | Being single for "too long" isn't such a bad thing. I've known women that will bounce from one relationship to another with minimal downtime in between, just to be with someone. These types never get a chance to discover who and what they are at their core. They define who they are externally.
Being alone can really help you discover who you are. And if you know that, you become a more well-rounded person.
PoF can hurt that a little. Like the above posters said. You can get a "next" mentality. But, from what i've seen, honest discussion in forum postings can help out your case alot. Making a profile that says, for example, you have deep insight but can also be a sarcastic smartass is one thing, but postings in a forum (while being honest and not trying to impress someone) can prove it. And if someone is interested, they will let you know.
So, at the end of the day, just be yourself. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 5:11:59 AM | ... I have been single ...a whole lot longer than you ( and yes I'm rather embarrassed to admit how long). Most of the emotions you're experiencing are pretty much the same as ones I've had. I have turned down the opportunity to date some women that were so stunningly attractive that they physically could make me tremble. The reason being...is that I knew in my heart, that they could find someone that was going to fit their life better than I would have, and I never would want them to experience the pain of starting a relationship that didn't have a future.
To answer your question about whether you would know a good thing or not isn't difficult. I just recently ran into a woman on this site, that so far seems wonderful.
I don't know where we will end up going with this thing whether we'll date or not, but I do know that I can honestly say that I've found someone that I would allow myself to date if it works out that way. You will too, especially if you don't limit yourself to only the women that you are comfortable with. I mean, you can't hang out with the same people continuously, and find someone different at the same time. Your bitterness is just lonliness...you'll never have a bit of problem with bitterness once you do find someone that you can date. Hope you work through this, I've wasted way too much of my life and health on being lonely..you should learn from my experience....Get out there, and try to live for today. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 5:15:26 AM | | I don't think the amount of time you have been single has anything to do with it. I read your post, and even though it's only been 2 years since my own divorce, I can relate to the idea that I may be too set in my ways and comfortable with living the single life. Sometimes the thought of having to sacrifice any of that freedom to a relationship scares the hell out of me. Of course, I rationalize the fear by saying to myself, "but if the RIGHT guy came along, I wouldn't be so afraid". | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 1:35:42 PM | I divorced 15 years ago, have had some relationships, several marriage proposals, but overall, I haven`t found myself to be happier in a realtionship. I find myself giving so much into the realtionship and making sure that they like me, that I end up resentful
and leaving, every time. It`s not that I am that picky. It`s that it seems as if I have
never found a man that could really care for "me". It`s always seems to be what I do for them. They think I am great and want to marry me, but they don`t seem to want to do anything for me. Of course I never ask or expect anything from them, and that is exactly what I get. Alot of men complain about women wanting things or being gold diggers or taking too much. I take nothing, ask for nothing. I just give until I am given out and then leave. If I would find a man that understood that it has to be a give and
take, and seem to actually care, I might be interested. But apparently my personality draws takers. So I don`t date any more. I get so frustrated that I don`t enjoy the company of men much any more, hate to say it, just used up. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 2:00:16 PM | The last serious relationship I've had was over 3 years ago.
I'm not worried wether or not I meet anyone. I am comfortable in my own skin.
I'm happy the way things are right now anyway......... | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 2:08:58 PM | | In a dating related article I noticed by a motivational speaker, psychologist,etc. I feel that her last comment in this applies really well to this thread. It states:“Dating is like school; it teaches us what we need to improve in ourselves.” THINK about this..please. We are never too old to "learn" more about ourselves by our social interactions I feel. The longer you go in a state of seclusion, the harder the practice of dating can become.Taking a break at times can be productive and healthy. Not dating further can be just a form of social suicide. At least in the after effect.Don't deny yourself companionship. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 2:10:55 PM | I'm also on my 11th year of singleness. I had one live in relationship during this time and that lasted for two years. However out of those two years I was gone for a year of it at work (every other week) and he was overseas numerous times. That was about 4 years into my singleness. I jumped into that because I was afraid that I didn't know how to have a relationship anymore. I dated a lot but nothing serious prior to that. Since then I have dated but not happily. I thought I was but I look back and I worked to hard on horrible relationships. I made a deal with myself on this birthday - that if I was alone I wouldn't look anymore nor try anymore. Even though I was seeing someone - it was very rocky and still is - it just made me realize how screwed up I am in choosing relationships. So I said that's it I'm sticking to staying single - no more trying at all. Then the lonliness came in. Yet I don't know if I can give it to anyone anymore. Is the problem the men I'm attracted to or is the problem me? I know I don't want to go through life alone however I wonder if some people are just meant to.
I feel I'm too young to be alone yet I'm too old to play the BS games or to settle. For a lot of the reasons you said - it isn't fair to either of us if we are settling - which I learned from the live-in relationship. But then again how do I know if I'm settling or if I have too high of standards on what love/marriage is supposed to be. Did I lose the ability to love unconditionally, did I ever have it, or does it exist? Or what is the definition of settling? Someone you enjoy spending time with but the spark isn't there? Or is it having a very passionate relationship with too many ups and downs? (Those just seem to be the type of relationships I come across). These are the questions I ask myself. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 2:21:52 PM | Firstly id like to say...Hello Mr D..fancy meeting u here...
And secondly...i have been single for 5 years..! i have had relationships since then but nothing serious so i dont count them. but i also dont like to get involved with anyone unless i can sense a "spark" there as i dont see the point in maybe wasting someone time if they dont 'do it' for me! but i am also very happy being single and im happy to get on with being 'me' until that special someone comes along, and when he does ill be happy being 'us'. Now if he doesnt come along and my kids have left home, i know a good animal centre where i can go and get myself loads of cats and enjoy my twilight years as a spinster  | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:26:22 PM | OK, what's bothering me about this thread;
the assumption that "single" is somehow an indication of deficiency or failure. I don't see any threads saying " I wonder if I've been married too long"? I've seen a couple that seem to ask why the author keeps getting into bad or unsatisfactory relationships. I would suspect that the ANSWER to that question would be because they are afraid to NOT be in a relationship....to be SINGLE.
When you start thinking "single too long", I guess I'd worry that you then might start making bad decisions or trying to force oneself into being someone that you're not,and wind up being in a relationship with the wrong person, or being in a relationship gained by playing a role,and knowing that to drop the role would be to lose the relationship.
I think MOST relationships/marriages have an element of bolstering self esteem by "belonging" to someone else. We all want to belong somewhere. I'm sure this goes back to prehistory, when being solitary was a death sentence. I've seen very few sabretooth tigers lately, my "cave" has a furnace, and it's no longer necessary to work with a group to stampede bison or elk over a cliff down at the local StopnShop. But those old old instincts die hard...
Cindy O | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:31:14 PM | "Im starting to feel like (as i look back) that maybe im too quick to end something or never even let it start. I am wondering if this is a by-product of being single for too long and maybe becoming too bitter." If you think you've become bitter then that's something you need to deal with before you consider persuing someone for a relationship. How....hate to say it and not a cop out but dating is pretty much a do-it-yourself thing. You know yourself and your experiences best, so someone else could only guide you somewhat.
How did you know someone that was good for you in the past? I just think that maybe, as someone said, you are trying too hard and overthinking it all.
As far as not giving someone enough time or having too inflexible wants and don't wants, only you know what is acceptable and you're attracted to. I don't think honestly our tastes change all that much, so you probably still will tend to be generally attracted to certain types of individuals. The attraction factor you can't do much about, except to ignore it and feel foolish later. (My experience with that, anyway..haha).
It's always worked best for me when I quit trying, just stay open to something if it happens and just enjoy my life as it is. Happy people tend to be more attractive, and most would rather hang out with someone who's happy and doesn't appear needy than not.
Not saying any of that's an answer just something to think about.  | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:45:20 PM | | Mr. Dynomite said it best..Dont try so hard...Get a give a #### attitude...I enjoy my life...I dont expect much from a dating site....the work is up to me....When you quite looking for something or someone special (maybe it will happen)...My opinion is," dont spend your days gazing at the (so-called) pretty faces on a computer"...Get out there in the world | |
|
clay71
|
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 17 | |
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:55:39 PM | | Been divorced for 14 years,I'm supposed to be in my prime at 35,but it's not happening in the real world,or cyberspace. (Sigh) | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:00:57 PM | OP - I bet I have everyone on this thread for being single the longest  This Thanksgiving, I'll be celebrating 20 years of singlehood. The last thing any of us should do is to "settle", because with that kind of attitude you're going into a relationship on a negative note. I do enjoy my freedom and space, but yes, I'd love to have a wonderful gentleman in my life. I just kick back, put my feet up and enjoy the ride. Life's too short to be concerned with what I don't have. I focus on what I DO HAVE! | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:08:22 PM | | Hi Everyone, I've been divorced for 13 years now after being married for 16 years. I just don't want to not be single to "not be single". P. S. My ex is a great friend. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:09:51 PM | I read the forums alot and see many different topics. Some I simply find amusement. Some I find just a distraction from being bored. This particular topic hit more close to heart than I wish to admit. I've been divorced for almost 17 years now. I've had some relationships along the way. 2 years at best. I have the ability to remain friends with anyone that I've been involved with. I think this is partly due to the fact that I have built up such a protective mechinism that I can feel to a certain extent, but I don't allow myself to get close enough to feel pain.
I've spent many a night trying to figure this all out, and wonder if HE did come along, could I let the walls be broken and believe again????? As I wonder though life, making myself believe that I don't need anyone to be happy, I watch people, sometimes just walking together, or a couple driving in the car together and I wonder. Is this something I'll ever have? And will I be able to handle if it happens? Will I be able to commit to someone for the long term and will I be able/allow the self preservation that has simply just developed to be broken down.
To many questions that I still can't answer myself
I do hope that you all find the peace, love and happiness that we all do want, even if we can't seem to find. Perhaps someone will come along with a bowling ball upside the head for all the right reasons.
 | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:50:22 PM |
I am starting to wonder if ive been single for so long that i wouldnt know a good thing if it walked up and knocked my teeth out. Im starting to feel like (as i look back) that maybe im too quick to end something or never even let it start.
I have been single for 16 years and can recall a beautiful young woman about 8 years ago that I think I did just as you said. Not realizing that I had become incognizant to opening myself up to loving but also to being loved. Basically, I rejected her without even knowing what I was doing. She walked and I certainly don't blame her now that I think about it.
I recently met another beautiful young lady and damn it I'm going to go for it!!! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. | |
|
| |
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:50:11 AM | | Please forgive me for not responding i looked for my post yesterday and couldnt find it i thought it had gotten deleted. Glad to see im not the only one going through this. For clarity however i need to explain a few things. My career is one that puts me in social situations everyday of the week. I meet a large number of people daily. The reason i choose to try online is a matter of the quality of people im meeting. Im one of those people that has tons of friends and a great life. Im very happy, but as most of you know something is always missing without someone else in your life. One of the things i disagree with whole heartedly is the "quit trying and it will happen" theory. It is expected of men that they make the first move and take the initiative so this is a double standard. As a man you HAVE to try or you get left in the wake. Besides i dont think i ever want to get to the point that i just dont care or quit trying. I cant think of a more rewarding pursuit than to find someone who makes you blissfully happy. Anyway thanks for all your responses and i will continue reading | |
|
GEOSC
|
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:21:38 AM | | wow you guys/gals are depressing me. I have been divorced since 4/07 and seperated since 6/06 it seems like forever. | |
|
| single for too long??
Posted: 10/2/2007 10:52:43 AM | | sorry...1 year isn't that long. I know people in longer slumps | |
|
Home
login 
