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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?      Home login  
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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 1
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
One of the (obvious) problems with resurrecting old threads is people naturally continue to answer the long gone OP’s question, which makes it next to impossible to discuss it in a more general but related manner.

Schadenfreudian and I both have an interest in looking at anger in relationships from a more general rather than specific incident basis… The following are our posts from the old thread. Thought this might be a way to spark a new discussion on a continuing theme….

Schadenfreudian: Why is anger such an issue? I've reviewed several threads here about [male] anger and in each case the anger itself is taken out of context, as if it were a distinct entity, treated as if it were devoid of circumstances that contributed to the arousal of anger. I guess some people just can't handle a guy with backbone? Listen, I'm NOT talking about smack-down violence, but the behavior that earns the label "anger." We really need to learn the distinction to have an intelligent discourse on anger.

ItsMargo: Oddly enough Schadenfreudian, I've been thinking along similar lines in the last little while. Again, not talking about when self-control is lacking and the anger escalates into violence, but looking at the different expressions of negative emotions like anger.

What are the differences in the way women and men express anger? Are we triggered by different things? I am wondering if male expression of anger might get mis-labeled or misunderstood because it is expressed differently than women's anger. Is it labeled wrong because it is different? An analogy might be how some cultures speak louder and pitch their words differently which can sound angry in the ears of a person from a different culture.

Schadenfreudian: As Margo suggested, what are the differences in the way men and women express anger? Yes, yes...not everyone in the same sex expresses themselves in exactly the same manner...we already know that sex groups are not monolithic. Yet, there may be some clear distinctions between the sexes in anger-expression that may be a reason why so many women are asking about male anger.

To quote Mike Myers' Barbara Richman, "Discuss!"
 TheReason_
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 2
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 7:12:06 PM
Men let it out, then it's gone. Forgotten.


Women throw it into a big pot and let is simmer and stew, and keep adding to it until it blows up all at once.


*disclaimer*
Not all women.



lol
 Buck Wilderness
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 3
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 7:13:45 PM
Women cry, and men aren't allowed to show anger any more. Generally, I run with "it doesn't pay to get angry" attitude, but the little I do have gets bottled up into a tight little package which I use to unleash hell-on-earth at the gym.

cheers,
Buck
 celebrtlife
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 4
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 7:40:56 PM
I have to sadly agree with men let it go and women simmer it until it blows. I am trying very hard to work on that issue. I am getting better. I try and pick my issues more carefully now. It has been working. :)
 swamp thing
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 5
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 8:01:42 PM
Men and women express anger the same way, but respond to angry men and women differently.

A man will respond to an angry man as if a fight was starting. A man will respond to an angry woman as if no matter what he does she will continue being angry.

A woman will respond to an angry woman as if a fight was starting. A woman will respond to an angry man as if no matter what he does, she will punish him for getting angry.

This may seem like a generalization but in fact it always happens exactly that way without exception.
 dawn1114
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 6
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 8:01:49 PM
In general, I'd say Poster #2 is correct. But I wonder how much of it is "nature" vs. "nurture." As in, we become a combination of our genes and what was ingrained in our very formative years.

I come from a family that rarely displayed anger of any sort, but when it happened it was the "traditional" variety. Slightly explosive - quick and then over - rare and only when extremely provoked on my dad's part (with the exception of the last year or so of his life, when I believe a form of dementia was beginning and he flew into irrational rages against - stuff), and the brooding "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not telling you" style by my mom.

Now, both my older sisters tend to follow the "female" anger style. I tend to follow the so-called "male" style. Did I take on more of his "genetic" personality, or was it because by the time I came along he was freer from extreme work responsibilities to bond with me on a human-to-human basis? And by the same token, my mother was much more relaxed about my upbringing, and I pretty well was let alone to run free, whereas almost every move my sisters made was under her control/guidance. I'm not sure about any of this, but I do know I'm "like" my dad in other ways, as well, and my sisters are more "like" my mother.

It would be an interesting study to see if the younger children in a family tend to buck the "traditional" concepts of anger, emotions, sexuality, etc.
 jtw1974
Joined: 6/18/2007
Msg: 7
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 8:02:39 PM
EFF OFF!!!



................................................
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 8
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 8:39:04 PM
^^^^^LOL jtw....

~OT~ I think it depends on the person. I tend to be more "man-like" if we are talking about getting it out and then letting it go. I'm not one of those who will bring up something 8 months after it happened. I used to just turn silent. Well, that obviously didn't help things at all. Finally one day, my ex did something so asinine I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I let it rip, he suggested ways to compromise and we did. I never spoke of it again and I didn't clam up either. Since then, I get irritated, irked and sometimes even disgusted ~ but when it comes to anger, I don't have the energy. And I tend to be one who will give in long before any unresolved issues remain unsolved. It would take something especially paramount for me to dig in and not budge one way or another.

I do have to agree with post #2 on this one in general ~ my Mother is still mad about things that happened 20 years ago. Dear me, what a waste of time that is.
 Eric48
Joined: 2/7/2007
Msg: 9
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:09:00 PM
Men tend to just stand there with their arms folded and nod occasionally, thinkin; *damn* ... *damn* ... *damn you woman*

Women tend to stand there with hands on hips and do that rubber necked bobble head thing only chic's can do ... and say stuff like;

"Oh no you don't ... uh-uh ... you bess get that fool idea out your head right now"

 freefallinT
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 10
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:13:09 PM
eric,oh my gosh!!!!!I;m bobblin my head!
 NatGoat
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 11
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:18:05 PM
I ~Generally~ go out and hit a bucket of Golf Balls . . !!!
- As long as I hit a few Well . . I'm just Fine . . !!! -
 oldsoul
Joined: 3/10/2007
Msg: 12
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:19:56 PM
^^^ post#8 VGE


my Mother is still mad about things that happened 20 years ago. Dear me, what a waste of time that is.


Mine too!

My mom is still rehashing stuff that happened FIFTY years ago for goodness sake!!

I honestly don't get it, and I'm not sure if that's why I'm more like a "typical" male when I get angry or mad than a "typical" female. Me, I tend to say what's on my mind right away and then it's over...no pouting and no head games. My mom used to call me "soupe au lait" (milk soup?) meaning I boil over quickly but that's it, remove the heat source and it's done and over with.... haha!! I was the same way with my kids and I find I'm still the same with my granddaughter....like I'll enter her room and see clothes all over the floor and food containers which she isn't supposed to have in her room in the first place, and I'll go BLA BLA BLA really quick and... er...a bit loud....haha.... but as soon as it's out, it's forgotten and on we go with our lives ....again there's no pouting and no hard feelings and that's it, it's over and done with!!

And while I agree with post #2 as a general rule, it just isn't the case for me anyway....and I'm not sure if it's because I really, REALLY detested that one trait of my mother, or if it's a genetic thing....maybe I just have a high level of testosterone ??
Damn... maybe I'm really a ........MAN???



Love and peace

 whenyer_strange
Joined: 4/10/2006
Msg: 13
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:21:53 PM
My experience had been more like #2. Admittedly, I bottle things up and wait, because I would rather make sure it's worth getting upset over, or I'm attempting to ignore the person that's needling me about something, but then sometimes I wait too long and I lose my head. It would take a lot to get me angry at a person. Usually, when I'm angry, it's either that I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm not getting something done quite right, or I'm angry at a situation.

My mom could bring up things from when I was 2 to yell at me about, but then, I think my mom is a nut. I most certainly would not say she's representative of women.

Most of the guys I know clam up and leave. One gets really hateful and pulls out all the stops on being nasty and using terrible comments, whether they relate to the argument or not.
 TheReason_
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 14
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:24:11 PM

Women tend to stand there with hands on hips and do that rubber necked bobble head thing only chic's can do ... and say stuff like;

"Oh no you don't ... uh-uh ... you bess get that fool idea out your head right now"



You mean like this??? LOL

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-cDWm39FYfc


I have two aunts on my dads side. They have to be pushing 90, and they have been angry at each other and avoid each other at all costs. I asked my dad what happened and when did it start.

He said "I don't know what happened but it happened before the family moved to Alberta from Ontario., before I was born"

He's 71. My god imagine holding a grudge for THAT LONG!!!!!


My ex and I would have a disagreement or an arguement. Would decide who was right or wrong, or sort of agree to disagree or whatever. The next day after a good sleep I was fine and everything was normal. But I would get the silent treatment for the next 3 or 4 days.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 15
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:34:26 PM
There are guys who release their anger via the “putter and mutter” (i.e., retreat to the haven of their workshops and garages where they tinker and curse under their breath). The woman’s version of the “putter and mutter” is the “angry charwoman” (i.e., releasing her anger by banging the pots and pans around in the kitchen; strangling toss pillows; and abusing small appliances so the man will have something to tinker with and putter and mutter over the next time they have an argument).
 iago_lives
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 16
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:36:49 PM
Interesting topic.

I'm a bit tired tonight to go through all the responses so far, but my first thought is something I doubt anyone has touched on.

The thought is stems from a bit of psycho-babble-ology:

Anger is a result of hurt. Anger is an expression of hurt. A person may have difficulty discerning the anger from the hurt, but if the anger is put aside enough and seen as objectively as possible, there will be, at it's root and in a very visceral level, hurt.

Hurt leads to anger leads to guilt leads to depression.

But, what the fvck do I know.
 The Devils Advocate
Joined: 7/27/2007
Msg: 17
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:37:54 PM
I dont dry when i'm angry, I cry when im upset,.. when i'm angry I shout and scream.. really loud.. and funnillly enough,.. i seem to be able to express myself in a much more fluid and erudite way when really angry.. it just flows.. i dont bottle up for long either.. If something is irking me.. it comes out pretty quickly. I think I show a more 'male' pattern of anger.. a quick and showy blow up, with accompanying bangs and sound effects,.. and then its over. I think the reason that male anger is frowned upon is pretty simple really,.. men look hella scary when they're angry, they go all red and blotchy. and they spit when theyre shouting,.. and they tend to show displays of aggression, punching walls and what not,.. of course women dont really want to see that, its scary, and theres always the fear in the back of your mind that he may turn that anger on you psysically. No mystery to me why male anger is frowned upon. its not so much the anger display, its the possible aggression or violence that may follow it. DA.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 18
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:16:02 PM

Men let it out, then it's gone. Forgotten.


I hope that's not ALL men you refer to with that comment. Roughly half of all men I've ever been involved with rarely "forget" wrongs I did them. Real or imagined.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 19
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:18:32 PM

And while I agree with post #2 as a general rule, it just isn't the case for me anyway....and I'm not sure if it's because I really, REALLY detested that one trait of my mother, or if it's a genetic thing....maybe I just have a high level of testosterone ??
Damn... maybe I'm really a ........MAN???


LMAO @ maybe I'm really a ......MAN???? I've said that a million times, at least three times today alone.

I so get your thought. I think I was about 16 when I thought, "Dear God, please don't let me turn into my Mother. " She has many good qualities, but goodness that woman can't let anything go. Makes no sense to me. It's probably not even a memory anymore, it's habit ~ at least on her note.....one of those " I'm not happy unless I'm unhappy." people. Sigh.
 esad
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 20
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:39:14 PM
I do not think the big differences are between the genders. Just look at the number of women so far on this post who claim the “male pattern” of anger.
The family dynamic one grew up in, ethnic background, birth order, all can play a part. We learn how to be angry from watching others. ( not the emotion itself, but the way we display it)

If two people in a marriage have two different ways of displaying anger that do not work well with each other, it is to easy to claim one is the “female” method and the other the “male”.
But lets go for some ethnic background stereotypes and imagine an Italian and an Englishman in a marriage. Do you think they will handle anger in the same way ?
 Carrie Bradshaw™
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 21
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/6/2007 12:40:51 AM

What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?


I can only speak of my experiences. The men that I have been with have shown each their own thing when they became angry. Some would storm out of the room, some would want to talk about it(I kid you not), some would not want to talk about it, some would punch things, some would act like nothing was wrong, and one guy...he could cry when he got angry.

Me, it depends on what has made me angry an my level of anger. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes remain silent, once I was so mad that I threw my shoes. Now that is some serious anger.

~Carrie
 rejectingall
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 22
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/6/2007 12:46:11 AM
Men generally deal with the issue that caused the anger... and when that ios fixed, there's nothing to be angry about. Then within a week if you ask them why they were angery... they can't remember.

Women keep a list of everything that ever made them angry and will beat someone over the head with some trivial little "slight" on an annual (or daily) basis for 70 years.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 23
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What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:47:47 AM
My experiences led me to the following:
1) Men usually end up threatening or committing physical violence if their anger is not addressed. In emotional violence, I include punching the wall, physical intimidation, pushing, and other forms of threats of violence. Men tend to only use these techniques against women who are not adept at defending themselves against physical violence.
2) Women usually end up threatening or committing emotional violence if their anger is not addressed. In emotional violence, I include playing emotional games, spreading rumours, holding something over you like a "Sword of Damocles", and other manipulative techniques. Women tend to only use these techniques against men who are not adept at defending themselves against emotional manipulation.

So, each gender uses a different type of weapon, both considered equally damaging in its own way, and only use their choice of weapon when the other person just hasn't developed the techniques to protect themselves. In other words, people are unfair in the way they use anger. I suspect that this is a major factor in the breakup of relationships.

FYI, I've seen talk shows discuss emotional violence vs physical violence, as it was unanimous from both men & women that emotional violence was worse, because it takes far longer to recover from, can be years, can be decades, can be never.

However, IMHO, society is very intolerant of physical violence, but very tolerant of emotional violence. I suspect that this is the reason that women ask about male anger: they feel that they can ask with the full support of society. Men, however, do not seem to have any support for emotional violence from society, so they don't ask, but rather wait to see a red flag and then just don't call back. They cannot say the real reason as society does not seem to see emotional violence as a problem.
 swamp thing
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 24
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:10:39 AM

Women keep a list of everything that ever made them angry and will beat someone over the head with some trivial little "slight" on an annual (or daily) basis for 70 years.


That's because in the woman's mind it was the man who caused their anger, and how to fix the problem is to remain angry until the man stops causing anger. Women are doomed to live an emotional life one step removed from reason, and so must rely on men to make any actual progress, and to do so use their anger or rewards to steer him towards or away from her desired emotional state. The tantrum lasts until the man somehow figures out how to make it better for the woman. The reason she accumulates a long litany of evidence proving his responsibility for her emotional distress is out of desperation to cling to any and every last little thing that works, that ever worked, that she can use to motivate him to fumble about in the darkness of reason's basement fixing her blown emotional fuse.
 fire_hot_ouch1
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 25
What are the differences in the way Men and Women express Anger?
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:59:48 AM
sorry I just nipped across the road and beat the heck out those guys, what was the question about again?

no need to nag in that whiny voice! honestly!


mm I see signs of movement over the road - 2 secs ....

LOL
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