|
|
|
|
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:09:06 PM | First, let me just say, I left him 2 days ago when I found out. You might think it would be easy to do, a 'no brainer'... in light of what I am about to tell you...but it wasn't. Because I never knew about all the lies...about his 'other self'...a really 'dark side' that just became apparent.
I met a wonderful man here last year on POF. After making MANY friends and dating some great guys who I became 'friends' with...who for one reason or other...just weren't quite right for me...or me for them...and then! I hit the jackpot! OR so I thought. I did everything RIGHT! Took all the relationship advice for dating online and off..., asked all the right questions...took things VERY slow...got to know him...and eventually his entire family, who welcomed me with open arms and EVERYONE seemed so nice. We met each other's friends, went on mini vacations together...his children were fond of me and I of them...and even his ex-wife told me on the phone that she was happy I was in her children's lives.
He was the absolutely kind, thoughtful...of me and others, appeared classy and well grounded. A solid man with a good character...everything any woman would love in a man. A nice guy, who was confident, articulate, stable, smart....the whole nine yards...I didn't care that he drove a 13 year old car. I didn't care he wasn't 'rich'...I was searching for a man with character who had a heart and love to give...who wanted the same things in life as I did and who had similar values. And I had finally found all these things in him. He told me he felt like the luckiest man in the world with me in his life...He was sincere and was someone a gal could count on. Or so he seemed.
He wasn't an alcoholic, didn't even smoke. He didn't take drugs...never had...he had a University education, a good job for over 6 years with a growing corporation. He owned his own townhouse in one of the best parts of town...he was attentive, loving and treated me like a lady...I felt like a princess most of the time. We rarely argued, in fact we were one of those couples who kissed constantly...couldn't keep our hands off of each other. He looked deeply into my eyes frequently and told me how much I meant to him...and eventually we spent most of our free time and all our nights together...he even held my hand most of the night in bed when we were sleeping...sooooo endearing...most of the time soooo loving...
I overlooked the first time I caught him in a lie. He offered an explaination that he was embarrassed to tell me he had a second job doing occasional volunteer work. I didn't think it was all that big of a deal in light of how 'wonderful' he was. two months after we became intimate...(about 3 months) into the relationship...I discovered he had numerous profiles on singles sites...and had even created a second one here on POF that he thought I would never find out about...that he used to meet other women...when he found the time...I didn't know...until later finding out he did his searches from his office at work and chatted on MSN with these women and emailed them with a hotmail I didn't know about...He begged me to forgive him...deleted all the other profiles and offered me proof he had done so...and wanted a second chance...and I gave him one.
We had such fun together. Laughed, played, converesd...ALOT...went to movies, dinners, meetings, lectures, plays, concerts...hockey games...you name it...we were an 'item'...holding hands everywhere...being together, at his insistance...as often as we could every day.
Then I became aware he was still on others websites..because a woman he had been trying to get to meet him downtown...recognized seeing us together...and sent me his picture and e-mail...he claimed she was just after him...that the e-mail was from months ago...before he had met me...even though she said it was recent...he told me she might be a vindictive woman trying to 'break us up'...and I let it go.
I began to see little chinks in his armor...but 'let them go'....Just like I let go the occasional night that without any reason or provocation he would snap at me and turn his back to me in bed without saying goodnite, or be angry and occasionally lose his cool when he felt someone else had 'slighted' him. I overlooked the occasional 'complaint' he had about my appearance...suggested that I lose 15 pounds 'fast' so I would look my 'optimum'...dress more high fashion. These things hurt...but were not frequent, and I chalked it up to settling in to a 'real relationship' 'warts and all'...that we were both imperfect but good people...and that we loved each other...so things would work out...things were so good and so easy between us...95% of the time it seemed. Pretty great...as relationships go!
I was concerned, even began to take note when he left very lengthy nasty messages on a voicemail of a business aquaintance that he percieved as rejecting towards him and not returning his calls. I listened more closely and began to see that he would blame others for all that happened in his life......and I discovered he had been cheating on me the entire time we had been together....and I felt sooo confused and crushed, utterly devaststed...
...he BEGGED me to stay...PROMISED all his mistakes and bad ways were behind him, never wanted to be without me...I broke things off...but he called alot...left messages...brought flowers everyday...and I relented...bought into it...and took him back...convincing myself things would be better...it would NEVER happen again...he was such a wonderful man...I let him back into my life AGAIN, at the great concern, and against the advice of my parents and family memebers, all my of my friends...and those who loved me...
A few weeks ago he went to work and was immediately fired upon arriving at his office without explaination. And they won't give him recommendations...not even his immediate boss...something must have happened. He has begun being VERY harsh with his two boys when they are visiting...vacillating between what appears to be a loving doting stable father...to an impatient, angry, critical, raging...slapping, spanking out of control maniac the next...I have have wanted to leave him, but wouldn't do it when they are there, because I didn't know what he would do to them...and wanted to protect them...
Here's what I found out...he recently (2 months ago, unknown to me, was charged with assault/ battery and other very serious offenses due to an incident of his road rage...he had destroyed another driver's property (grabbed their cell phone and smashed it on the road and threatened this person who he says 'cut him off' after he chased them down and terrified them)...a week ago, after reciving a deserved parking ticket, he became aggresive and yelled at 2 meter-officers...kicked their government car as he raged at them...then got in his car and chased them down and smashed his car against theirs (a government car owned by the city) because he was 'ticked off' and felt THEY acted arrogantly at him! OMG...
And THEN I found out about some other lies he told...ommissions from his past,...that a few years ago...his wife left him...NOT because she was having an affair as he had told me...but because he had hit her, beat her...and it wasn't the first time...and he had been arrested for domestic violence...handcuffed, finger printed, photograped...prosecuted in court...there were pictures of his ex-wife's bruised body in the file. He had to hit her very hard to cause those bruises...as she was wrapped in blankets as a way to protect herself from the blows he wielded...AND he had also been charged with this same domestic violence TWICE...and had a further police record for hitting and assaulting his last live-in girlfriend in the same manner...when I found out he tried to explain that they were ALSO at fault according to his version of the story...and I knew it was time to end it...right away.
He keeps calling in the last 24 hours...leaves messages, but mostly just repeatedly calling about every hour...I am hurting sooooo much over this. I know I can never go back...NEVER...and I don't talk to him, because he has a real ability to sweettalk me, convince me he is really not this way...not the way things seem to be now...he is a changed man after all the past...He wants me to believe this...but I know I cannot, expecially in light of the recent charges with him being so out of control. The police have been calling him, and I am told he is going to be 'picked up' for these new charges...
My head is reeling and I am alone and hurting...even though it is the right thing to do for myself and my safety...he says I will regret leaving him, because he is a really "great" guy...inspite of all this other stuff! and that he treated me like a princess "80% of the time... WTF?!!!!!!!! I am to be grateful?
I am a fool...and I realize that...how do I stop missing him and stop my heart from hurting...and stop longing for all that this relationship " seemed" to be...it is so hard to accept the truth of who and what this man really is...I NEVER would have thought he had this hidden unstable, out of control, 'dark side' in a million years. Please help me stay strong...I know the flowers and sweet talk is coming soon from him...and I know he can be charming and manipulate me...but if I EVER went back with him again...I will end up destroyed...or possibly worse... | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:27:32 PM | | You stayed a lot longer than I would have and ignored a lot because denial can be a comfortable place. He's not who you thought and never was- you miss someone that never existed. Please don't waste anymore of you time on this loser by crying over what should have been. Everything happens for a reason and you may want to try and find the value in what you learned and focus on that. The only way I can get over a guy is to get back in the game ASAP- distraction can work wonders. Don't let this experience invert you into some fearful distrusting soul who is so busy being on guard that you might miss someone great. It is better to give something your all and have been wrong than to give anything less than your whole heart. You'll be fine, I promise- just let it go and move on through the pain. Good luck. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:30:48 PM | Wow - What a story! I was married to a man for almost 20 years who gave me two black eyes, then, since I needed a free sitter for 4 children, married a man with no job, so he could watch the kids. He turned out to also be a freak from hell, who tried to strangle my daughter (the cops kept him in jail for a week ((I don't know if they took his watch like they did OJ, since he only tried to murder one person)) so one night, I packed our stuff and moved in with a neighbor across the street.
Years later, nobody can know how wonderful it is to be alone until you've gone through something like you are going through. I lock the door at night, and I know that everyone on my side of the door is sane. I would NEVER allow the second husband to ever come near me or my kids again--hope the creep you fell for disappears forever, because you have to always be your own best friend. Thank God and yourself you didn't get hurt too bad physically. The brain should kick into gear eventually and realize never ever to return to that crap.  | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:33:19 PM | I don't think you miss him, I think you miss being in a relationship. You've learned about his true character. What on earth could he say to change that? If you take him back, you know he'll take all his rage out on you. His life is spiraling out of control and he's looking for someone to blame...don't let it be you.
Your relationship with this man was based on lies. Nothing good will happen with him; your life will be a nightmare. You were duped...you got out before he really hurt you...consider yourself lucky...and DON'T LOOK BACK! | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:36:59 PM | That's a very long, sad story. As a disinterested bystander, I can only say it sounds like he has mental health problems.
But to be honest, this is the most important part of the long, sad story:
He has begun being VERY harsh with his two boys when they are visiting...vacillating between what appears to be a loving doting stable father...to an impatient, angry, critical, raging...slapping, spanking out of control maniac the next...I have have wanted to leave him, but wouldn't do it when they are there, because I didn't know what he would do to them...and wanted to protect them...
Does their mother know about this? Someone has to be told about this. Never mind your hurt. It's sad, but it's not nearly as important. | |
|
| |
| |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:00:35 PM | Thank you so much for helping me stay strong and walk away! I am concerned for those two precious boys. I know they probably miss me...and I am feeling bad for that. We had a bond and they are only 7 and 8 years old. When their father was out of control with them lately, they looked to me for some sense of safety and security...and I intervened on their behalf. I am concerned for them now that I am not there.
To the poster in msg #6, you are right, someone needs to know about this(about his abusiveness towards the children)...his parents do, and his family does...but they seem to minimize it...as if it is a passing lapse or sudden loss of patience...he got excessively abusively angry at the youngest boy the other day while at his parent's house for dinner...and his father took his grandson in his arms to comfort him and told his son, (my now ex BF) that he had "gone too far!!!" and was upset also...
I have wanted to talk to the ex-wife about what I have witnessed...but I am afraid of his anger towards me if he finds out I spoke with her about it, she will most assuredly...and rightfully, take measures to limit his time alone with them...I have now seen his unpredictable side...and spoken with a few people who think he could become very unpredicatble and dangerous towards me if he percieves that I caused him to not see his children...I have thought about it all day today...what to do...other people are also aware...not just me...I am willing to do what I can to protect them as best I can...and if I can do it anonamously, I will. I am afraid of him too...and right now he is focusing his anger at me for leaving him and not 'standing by his side and being loyal' when he has to face all these charges."..(something he said to me before I left yesterday... What should I do? | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:11:03 PM | Very nice book you wrote here shall we call it , " BOYFRIEND HAS A RECORD & DARK SIDE 101 ".............
You're lucky to get out with your hide and life, it appears you were minutes away from confronting his marked past. Surely you are emotionally drained, be thankful you were not part of any of these outbursts.
It appears he needs some serious anger management intervention, but truthfully I doubt if it would benefit him at this point, he probably needs to hit rock-bottom before he see daylight, because from your info he has had opportunities to steer his ship in the right direction.
In time you will get over him, and began to again. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:17:19 PM | In my humble opinion, this guy perfectly fits the mold of a pathological liar. He is an intelligent man. Due to his intelligence, he is capable of creating great illusions. He can tell you everything that you want to hear. The problem is obviously that everything he says is a lie. Every word that comes out of his mouth has the intention to manipulate you into thinking, feeling, and believing what he wants you to. He's an actor.
You have uncovered this fact, and found the actor behind the character. I'm proud of you for doing so before anything terrible happened by the way. Your X is a violent person, and is most likely going to be sitting in prison for quite some time due to his latest series of charges.
Naturally, after having recently broken things off with this guy, you are still thinking about him. Relationships take time to get over.... that's normal. Just don't forget the fact that everything he ever told you was a lie, and if he really cared about you he wouldn't lie to your face. Consider the fact that you never actually had feelings for this man, you only had feelings for the person he was pretending to be. Because in fact when he was with you, he was doing just that... pretending. He put on an oscar-worthy performance, playing the role of the perfect man. When Tom Cruise plays a brilliant character in a movie, it's easy to fall in love with that character. But the thing is... Tom Cruise(not the characters he portrays) is a little crazy. Well.... your x-boyfriend(not the characters he portrays) is a LOT crazy. And he's violent. First you must understand that you fell in love the character, but not the actor. Then you must understand that the character is not real. Then you can start searching for a genuine man. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:32:13 PM | | Just keep the vision of his Ex wife's bruised body photo's on file in your memory.....dont be his next victim ,you've found out enough info about this guy where you should be looking at him with disgust,no amount of flowers or sweet talk will change the fact this guy is a nightmare waiting to happen to the next gullible women.... he has a split personality if you go back to him your very weak knowing the things you know about him....abusive/angry people dont change its part of their personality, for your own safety leave this relationship behind you | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:41:09 PM | Please don't ever let this man back into your life. I have had a similar experience a couple of times and I can understand how you feel.
Move on and find the person you are really meant to be with. It is not this person; please do not believe he has changed.
Keep those pictures of his ex-wife's beaten, bruised body in your mind whenever he comes to mind, and be thankful it's not you. | |
|
| |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:06:09 PM | | I actually laughed when he said that...that he was good to me 80% of the time!!! Unbelievable! I asked him if that was all he thought I was 'worth'...80%?...to which he replied. "No, you deserve 100%"...but he continued with the 80% anyway...in hindsight...he was VERY good at saying one thing...promising something...and doing another...he is an amazing actor...BTW...no calls from him for the last 3 hours...GOOD!!! makes it easier for me to keep my resolve...he is probably already hooking up with someone new... | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:24:49 PM | Very scary story darling, I can relate to a degree. What I miss was the relationship he described, the future we would have. Maybe that's what you are missing too. If only it could be true.
I consider myself wise & cautious and this lovely 'future' was everything I personally did & still do want. Only it will never happen with the guy I was seeing. Charming, caring, loving -- at first. After a year a whole different story.
Its an illusion. The only way he could bait another victim was with sweet words & promises of which the reality would never occur. He will move on with never a second thought of how well you treated him. I'm sorry it happened to you too. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:05:40 PM | Dear Angelbunny,
Hon...be an angel to yourself and do NOT under any circumstances go back to this charming, cunning con man. I spent 12 years of my life married to a man alot like this.
Now..this is the hard part, they are handsome, charming to a fault, sweet talkers and the whole world is taken with them it seems. This is why they are soo good at what they do...which is hide what they really are!! My whole time married to my ex ,I constantly had women telling me "how LUCKY I was to have him". This is the reality of it. He strangled me once till I passed out and I thought I was going to die that night. By the way he was 6' 4", I am almost 5' 3". He kicked me in the lower back where I had previously had back surgery. He contantly told me if I ever left him, he would lay in our woods and when I came home from work, would blow my head off. If I ever messed around on him, he would kill me and the guy. It took me two and a half years, many court orders and Personal Protection Orders and pure guts and strength to finally get away and divorced from this charming, handsome psycho!! By the way, I was told his ex-wife had messed around on him, was nothing but a ___ and his WHOLE family concurred this!! Of couse they did, they would have to really look at themselves if not. I found out later, his family even lied in court about his ex.
Now, you are not a fool, you were just conned by one of them. I have my pic. up on this site and do not just usually tell people about this, but it is far too important to try keep you safe right now to worry about that. For two years, I slept with a knife under my pillow, would stop at the corner of my street on the way home from work at night, and literally be ill, then head on home, because I was taking BACK my LIFE!! The police in my town ADVISED me to buy a gun!! So hon....DO not listen to this messed up man, he is ill and needs lots of help that you CANNOT give him. Please trust me on this. I still have to have a private phone number, he used to call cell, home and work, up to 40 times a day, to cry, beg.....threaten when all else failed. I have to put friends address's on my driver's license so he cannot find me. Now do you really want to live this way, of course not. I saw that you just wrote this today and that is why, I don't really care whom may see it...you will get over him in time and you will realize how many lies he really told you. They are habitual liars and actually believe their own lies, their reality exists in their minds in the lies and this is very dangerous. Do not take any of his calls and please change your phone number! You will get through this and learn very much from it. Kick this psycho to the curb NOW while you are still not in too much danger. Please. | |
|
| |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:31:31 PM |  Angel. GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON NOW! ASAP!!!!
You are endangering YOUR life and emotional well-being by enabling him. AND that is exactly what you are doing EVERY TIME you allow this sick man back into your life.
This man is NOT a "sweet, loving, kind, gets along with you so perfectly" great find!He is a narcissist and clearly with psychotic tendencies who needs constant affirmation from women...when the affirmations stop (including from children) he retaliates. Nastily.
Quit allowing that he is "90% of the time a great guy"...PULEEZE!!!
You want the love, the touches, the "we get along so great" stuff....so you excuse and ignore the REALITY...that he is a CREEP.
Get as far away as you can....yesterday! Please!
Believe me...I KNOW!
Be strong. Stay safe! | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:43:58 PM | As I was reading your story, I knew almost exactly what it would lead to. The lies and the blaming others are of a classic abuser. I really applaud his workers for getting rid of him immediately. You need to apply to the same view- get rid of this guy for once and for all.
It is not your fault, and you are not a fool. Men like him are very charismatic and train their women to believe them and doubt their own judgements. Many very intelligent women fall for these types. Get a hold of the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and you will see that this man is not original. But you will think that the men Bancroft interviewed were each and every one your ex boyfriend.
His treating you like a princess "80% of the time" was just a build up to get you to worship him, and feel emotionally dependent on him. Then the verbal and emotional abuse kicks in, and you think you did something wrong to displease him- its all your fault. Or if he admits its his fault, he promises never to do it again.... over and over.
So.....the ex-wife never said a word about this? Never warned you?
I wonder if the only time he leaves his ex alone is when he has a gf....so she encourages it.
Could be that the ex-wife is afraid of him, too, or else she legally is unable to get involved in his personal life. Also could be that she sees you as someone positive and safe in her sons lives. At any rate, she could have very good reasons for saying nothing, and not simply to keep him off her back.
As for the kids, if you see abuse or neglect, verbally, emotionally, or physically, you have an obligation to report it to authorities. Then the mother will be involved and ensure that she can protect the kids. That's all you need to do.
If he is calling you up or harrassing you, get a restraining order and enforce it if he persists.
If you take him back, or show any signs of weakness, he will turn on the charm big time then quickly show you who is in charge. It will then be much harder to get away.
Yes you had fun and cared for him; that was the plan. But nothing is uglier than an abuser and controller. Its no longer going to be fun or the same; things are spiraling out of control for him and he must get back to being in charge.
Again, keep him away and get a restraining order. He does not have to hit you in order for you to have protection. False imprisonment and stalking and harrsassing will qualify. Just be careful and watch your back. Call a hotline or visit a center for domestic violence for more information. I think what you will be hearing from them will sound awfully familiar.
Good Luck!!
| |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:47:52 PM | Aha! Another case of the "relationship trap". Eros is fickle. It does not last anyway, even more so in this case. It was good (mostly, from what the OP writes) while it lasted or so. Now it is time to move on, fast, run, like Forrest. And Eros will fly in again. And again. And again. That is the nature of things. The best relationships do not outlast the effect of Eros. When Eros is gone, there is no relationship left. C'est la vie. That holding hands while asleep bit was indeed to good to last. A red flag! Who does these things these days? Very suspicious behavior. And the ex was too happy.
As per the 13 yr old car, never more that 12. 13 is unlucky.
Tomorrow is another day. Turn a new page. Forget "Darth Vader"! | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/6/2007 9:49:39 PM | chit.... how difficult it must be for you to be in this situation.
Glad to see that you KNOW that going back with him would be wrong. Sometimes you have to take steps to protect yourself and to make it harder for you to fall back under his charm.
change your number. change your email. move. get a restraining order.
do whatever you have to do to protect yourself now.
and as a nice thing for those kids....call the Children's Aid Society (that's all you can do in regards to them)
he has to potential to hurt you very very badly (more so than now) and only you can take the steps needed to prevent him from doing it.
Good luck to you and make up your mind now so that when he does try to charm you, remind yourself that you made a decision before and respect your intelligence in having made a decision already. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 6:58:00 AM | Thank you...to each and every one of you fellow POFers here for your excellent advice and for your supportive words and understanding. It is exactly this kind of advice and support I need to keep me steady and to not fall for his lies and the 'honeymoon' phase again. He is VERY good at being an actor...I promise you...if you met him you would NEVER know...it would take a long time and a miracle to see behind the facade to get a glimpse of who/what he really is...
It is the facts that I cannot deny...the police records, the charges...his being fired (which he explains to everyone was a matter of 'downsizing' ...if so...why was he abruptly fired without notice and escorted off the premises by security...and they even locked all his files and computer for investigation???)
Especially to Koolgirl in the posts...THANK YOU SWEETIE...your story is much like mine...except fortunately...by some miracle and a guardian angel or something...I found out all the sordid truth that he and his family had been hiding from me long before I ended up spending years with him...
His family makes out his exwife as a pariah and ****...they testified on his behalf...and he got friends to as well...you were right about that...they all play the game that he can do no wrong...but they won't be able to cover up for him when he gets arrested this time for assualt on the city ticket/meter police...and the damage he did to a government car...and he won't be able to deny the road rage and assault on a stranger...with witnesses too numerous to avoid or deny...of the assualt and damage he did to another person he viewed as having 'cut him off' in traffic...who he chased down and jumped out of his car and threatened and assaulted and reached into the man's car and took his cellphone and threw it across the road in traffic...smashing it to smithereenes...I keep imagining myself being smashed and broken by him in one of his rages...this helps too...
I WILL call the police officer on his case and repport about his behavior and abusiveness towards me and the children too...but only if it can be anonymous...because I am certain he could become VERY dangerous towards me if he found out.
You guys are also right...he keeps calling and calling about every hour or so...his messages go from sounding 'curt' and irritated...to saying he loves and misses me...to acting 'businesses-like' and saying he is 'concerned for me...doesn't know why I won't take his calls or speak to him...??????OMG!!!!...He just called this morning and left a message saying he 'loves' and cares for me very much, understands if I need time to think, but wants to see me today so we can 'work this out'...says I will regret it later if I make the 'unfortunate decision' to leave him and break it off'...
Don't worry, I will NOT see him, I will not speak to him, and I will protect myself.
Thanks to all of you who have helped me stay strong by your contributions, caring and good advice in this forum... | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 7:24:15 AM |
Kick this psycho to the curb NOW while you are still not in too much danger. Please.
Kool has an excellent point here. But I think you are in danger, now. First, as long as he has focus on you and harassing you with calls, he is not out of your life by any means. Second, the highest point of danger is when she first leaves her abuser. He is going to be all nice and sugar sweet, and when that doesn't work, he will get nasty. Do not wait until it escalates!
Calling the police and children's services now will protect you when he moves in on you - not if but WHEN.
You need to get in touch with a local women's abuse service and get a plan. Pack your essentials and have a bag ready in case you need to go to a women's shelter. After I kicked my abusive husband out, I had to live in a shelter for abused women for 2 months with my babies. It totally sucked, but it served the purpose. Not only did his anger tone down, but I learned how to protect myself and some survival skills. I learned what it might be like if I continued to allow abuse: Many women were very burned out and broken, and some were repeat shelter residents.
What hurts is the way I was treated by my ex's family. They are considered among the best citizens in their small hometown, and my ex is a law school grad. He has a great job, he is bright and well regarded at work, too. But since he never gave me respect, his family never did, either. He is perfect in their eyes, and since I was unable to comply to his total dictatorship as a good wife should, I am a failure. I committed the cardinal sin of throwing my husband out into the streets at night, with police protection. Unheard of!! He told me he loved me, promised me things, but at the same time he told me his family was begging him to divorce me and standing in line, "hand over fist" to divorce me!
One of the things I learned, is do not take it personally when his family sides with him. They are in a state of denial and not capable of seeing it the way you have experienced it. His ex wife probably said nothing to you for this same reason, that she believed you would not see it unless you experienced it yourself. Not to mention fear of retribution from him.
Good luck and keep your head together. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 7:30:58 AM | Man does this guy live in Georgia? Cuz he sounds like my ex Its called Borderline personality disorder.....One day he's up , high as a kite, he loves you, he's so sweet you wanna puke....life is good he's happy and loves everybody......The next day he's calling you a whore, he hates you , he hates his life, everybody's against him. He's the only one that works at his job. The boss is out to fire him for no reason. Blah, blah, blah.......And nothing happened that would cause this mood swing...you will hurt over this man and it will be hard to get over. But you will need to let him go and dont have any more contact with him. He'll just try to whoo you again....And if you give him another chance it'll just be the same thing over and over again. It's mental abuse....HE needs treatment...The problem is he wont admit he has a problem so he wont get any. I hope you read this and take what I say seriously because I've been through it. I put up with it for 10 years and in the end wanted to kill myself. But instead I killed him.... JUST KIDDING. But it may have come to that if I hadnt kicked him out. | |
|
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 7:43:47 AM | Angel,
I want you to tell the police he is saying the words "you will regret it later" I don't care if his saying it with sugar on his tongue, you know, in a real sweet way. This is how these guys operate. I would take that as a very serious threat, because that is what it is.
Please check your surroundings for a while, before you leave the house, leaving from work, walk around your car, a few feet away from it, before you get in.
With a guy like this, I would tell him in light of all that has happened, your friends, family, whomever, ADVISED you to talk to the police and "THE POLICE" suggested a restraining order on him!! This takes all blame away from you, you acted on the advice of the professionals. Your last paragraph, he has no right to do any of these head game calls to you. Hon...he messed around on you badly, and that would have been the minor parts if you had stayed with him. Fortunately you found out MANY things now. In my case I was already married to him. I found out later, he also ran a man off the road whom he had precieved as "cutting him off". His sister was in the vehicle with him when it happened and told me a few years later. Ex chased the man down, cut him off the road and pull him right through the window and beat the man, his sister thought this was FUNNY!! She said you should have seen the look on the guys face....yes, I can imagine. But she wasn't laughing too hard when she finally confessed to me that her big tough brother had "gone crazy" one night when she was about 16 and he 18 and for some minor thing, threw her on the floor and beat her. He cried and cried after...ohh ,he was so sorry and she promised not to tell mom and dad.
Most people were too afraid to charge my ex...I found out later and if they did think of it were threatened out of it! Get this guy GONE from your life, whatever it takes. I hope I am helping before it has to be the police or an ambulance that has to help you.
Stay SAFE and Smart Angel! | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
