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 girlwillbegirl
Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 1
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholismPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm very attracted to someone but when I found out that he's in early recovery from alcoholism, I backed away. I feel very strongly that it's not a good idea to get involved at this point. Does anybody have any experience with this sort of thing? Thanks!
 Not_a_FAT_Slob
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 2
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 7:24:30 PM
There are some experts who say the person has to be "clean" for 5 to 7 years before the person can be considered reformed.
 upforadventure
Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 3
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 7:26:38 PM
Trust your gut. I'd come to the same conclusion.
 smokemifyougottem
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 4
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 7:47:57 PM
He's in recovery, he's already admitted he's got a problem..he's doing something about it..If he falls off the wagon dump him...Make it loud and clear...Everyone could use a little support once in awhile...and if he excites you, then why not..you got men stuffed in your cooler???The poor man, have a heart...
 happygal_28
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 5
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Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 7:56:33 PM
I was of the understanding that people in the early stage of recovery are discouraged by AA from getting into romantic relationships since they need to be focussing on their own wellness. Not a great idea to replace alcohol with what could turn out to be another 'all consuming' thing before they are standing strongly on their own two feet. Somebody please correct me if I am wrong...

JMO, let him be strongly on his own 2 feet. If he is the right guy, he must take care of his sobriety first, and he will. Be nothing more than friends and allow him to do this.
 naughtynicewoman
Joined: 10/4/2007
Msg: 6
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 8:02:53 PM
People in recovery can be really good partners if they work their program but make sure they are not substituting one addition for another. Watch out for l
ifebythedrop11 he will trash you hard.
 smokemifyougottem
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 7
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 8:07:55 PM
Shoooooot...that's what I need to find... a recovering alcoholic woman that makes me her new addiction,,,That sounds soooooo horrible...actually have a roomate that went through a pretty bad binder...but with a little help, is sober, and working and doing really good..
 ponie
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 8
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 8:51:06 PM
I am in recovery, The old times would say you did a great thing for him as well as for yourself. Give him time to learn to love himself.. Only then will he be able to love you!!

Keep it simple.
 emtchicky
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 9
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 9:04:01 PM
"technically" we recover-ers are supposed to wait a year before getting into a relationship... exactly what others said... he could put you before his sobriety and that wouldn't be the ideal situation.... You can be good friends... or 'date' without getting too serious... it's hard enough to work on making yourself well, let alone trying to make a relationship work.
 maryb1956
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/10/2007 9:54:23 PM
as a woman who has 14 year of sobriety, i would back away from this man...as a rule in AA we are told not to have a relationship for at least one year after you have stopped drinking. a person needs time to find out what they are like sober, with out any compications.

if you do decide to keep seeing him.....dump him the first time he takes a drink, and know it is not your fault if he decides to drink..............maryb1956
 RR Man
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 11
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Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 12:15:10 AM
technically" we recover-ers are supposed to wait a year before getting into a relationship...
=========================================================
That is exactly what most experienced AA members recommend to newcomers. Not so much because it's trading one addiction for another. Rather, it's because if you get in a relationship and it doesn't work out, you might drink again if it's a painful breakup.

A member who takes advantage of a vulnerable newcomer is called a "13th Stepper." Generally, it's men hitting on new women, but it can be the other way around too. The most despicable thing I heard about was this doctor who worked in a rehab who hit on the young girls going through their program. They yanked his medical license, and a good thing too.
 Justagoodguy65
Joined: 9/14/2005
Msg: 12
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 12:29:17 AM
Run for the hills.

I was with an ex-alcoholic who was sober for 3 years when I met her. She fell off the band wagon within a year.

Not to mention...if you're someone that likes to go out and have a drink now and then or enjoy your glass of wine at home, your mate can NEVER do the same. NEVER!! Alcoholics are NOT allowed to EVER drink.

Might be a burden on your way of life.
 French princess
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 13
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 4:42:17 AM
well I wouldn't suggest anyone date.. Follow the program and rules they are there to use as a tool.. My daughter married a recovering man from AA & NA and she was also in thr AA program only sober just over a year.. This man had nothing to offer but baggage. came to her home with a dog,kid, and 2 rubber maid containers, and she started using drugs again.
They got married after 2 weeks of living together. The family had NO idea who this man was.
My daughter had a beautiful wedding, and she paid for this out of her own pocket and even the honeymoon everything, then one week after honey moon was trashed, and now in a rehab. facility leaving her child practically with a stranger.. She also came into settlement money and its gone. This man only works when its convenient to work, and is controlling her every move... He dosen't even allow my granddaughter who I practically raised to see ot talk to the family members.. he is controlling and a violent police abstract.
All I can say the program has been around for a while and when followed it can become very successful..
This could just be a fall even for your new mate even if they are wonderful. Stress and the responsibilities that come after or stress of socializing sober.. there are so many things to think about.
You both could end up hurt... U can always be a supportive friend and be there ,but see where it leads, and allow him to continue with his recovery first and follow those rules. AA members are good people and sgare great stories, and they can be the best to learn from aswell...
I think it's great you are seeking advice in respect for someone yu care about and your own wellbeing. Good Luck my Dear!
 babbaloo
Joined: 10/4/2004
Msg: 14
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 5:35:01 AM
I got into a relationship when I stopped drinking. I found that I didn't concentrate on what I needed to do because it was justeasier and a lot like a drink to focus on the woman I was with. I broke it off, and it was for the best! I would suggest becoming part of the solution. Hell, go to an open aa meeting with him. you may really get a deep understanding for what he is experiencing!! Ifyou really like him though, keep him at arms length, he isn't going anywhere, he has a lot to concentrate on right now, until you both feel he is focused on his program. You'll never meet a better type than someone who has been in the cellar and was strong enough to persevere!!!
 p-trishTHEdish
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 15
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 6:36:33 AM
I'm very attracted to someone but when I found out that he's in early recovery from alcoholism, I backed away. I feel very strongly that it's not a good idea to get involved at this point. Does anybody have any experience with this sort of thing? Thanks!

AA says that a person attempting recovery should avoid all new personal and romantic relationships for at least the first 12 months of sobriety. to break this could and has sabbotaged the process.
 girlwillbegirl
Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 16
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 7:59:09 AM
Thanks everyone for your great feedback! I myself have 13 years, do not want to jeopardize that or interfere with anyone else's recovery. Thanks for helping me to trust my gut. My glands, on the other hand, told me Go for it, the guy is very attractive and it's not like everybody is knocking on my door. But ultimately I gotta do the right thing, whether it's comfortable or not.
 p-trishTHEdish
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 17
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 10:09:55 AM
But ultimately I gotta do the right thing, whether it's comfortable or not.

thats what i told my son as i was raising him, still tell him that today ( he is almost 19)
ultimately, what he does is his choice. he can be the best he can be or he can do whats the easiest. the hardest things to do are usually the right thing to do. You will be proud of yourself for doing the right thing in the long run,even if its not the easiest. peer pressure is a m.f.. doing the wrong thing is worse than that.
 itsjsmejj
Joined: 8/2/2007
Msg: 18
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Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 11:00:58 AM
Seventeen years sober here. And for all of the above reasons it's smart to not date this person. Let him work his program, and in a year if he's sober and hopefully more emotionally stable, then you can date the guy.

Jim
 girlwillbegirl
Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 19
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 11:06:31 AM
I really appreciate the feedback, there are some people here with a lot of wisdom. I'm 60, there's no long line of eligible men outside my door, then comes a cute one asking me out and I have to back away. Yeah, doing the right thing ain't easy, but then again I have to live with ME. Think things through. And sometimes it's just bad timing. WELL, ONE DOOR CLOSES . . . ANOTHER ONE WILL OPEN . . . when it's supposed to.
 Mr Old Man Dude
Joined: 8/24/2007
Msg: 20
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 8:14:22 PM
Lot of good post here, and I have to agree with a lot of the people who have time in recovery. WAIT 1 YEAR. Problem ive seen so far with MOST who get in relationships early on in sobriety is they havent learned how to love themselves yet, are still beating themselves up for everything they have done, and have not made the peace with themselves yet that will come in time.

Another problem with MOST newcomers in getting in NEW relationships early, they seem to make that person there "higher power", and soon as that person lets them down.... right back out again. The old, "I'll show you attitude." Personally, ive never dated anyone in A.A. Ive dated quite frequently since about 3 years sober, as it was my choice to work on me, and me only those first 3 years. And kind of a strange thing also happens when i do go on dates. Usually wind up at some point going to a bar! Just because Im a recovered alcoholic doesnt mean that maybe my date doesnt want to have a drink or two. I even work in bars, as im a musician. A lot of people on the "outside" of A.A. have there thoughts on what recovery means, and what we CAN and CANT do. I find that about 99% of the time, these people are wrong, as they just plain old dont know. Look for the post from people like myself and others who choose to talk about recovery freely...... as we now know a new freedom, and also have lived both sides of this, and... have gained interst in our fellow friends.
 danno3848
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 21
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/11/2007 8:49:54 PM
Depends on how you define recovering. If he is truly recovering that means he's not drinking. If he's not drinking then you are dealing with are real human.. they need lots of support because its not easy.... if he is drinking at all.. then he's really not recovering... and I would be cautious here..

The only problem for a recovering alcoholic, is that recovery is one day at-a-time, pretty much forever depending on how bad of a problem it is. You don't want to be involved with a drinking alcoholic, not at all, so if he starts drinking you have to get outta there.
 ***Mac***
Joined: 10/13/2006
Msg: 22
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/16/2007 1:59:03 AM

Give him time to learn to love himself.. Only then will he be able to love you!!
Keep it simple.

100% agree , Im also in recovery and needed that early time to travel my own personal journey and re-discover myself !!
The wisest gauge of time i ever heard was while i was in rehab................
a) Get a Plant and if it survives for one year.........
b)Get a Dog and if that survives for one year........
c)Get a girlfriend !!

"I was lost in the forest and come across two paths i chose the one least travelled by most"
Mac xx
 poilty
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/16/2007 2:19:43 AM
Having something/someone to stay sober for could be just what he needs.
 beachchick
Joined: 6/27/2005
Msg: 24
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/16/2007 4:23:07 AM
Isn't one of the "12 steps" refraining from starting any new relationships for a certain amount of time? If he's serious about recovery, he needs to follow those steps.
 ***Mac***
Joined: 10/13/2006
Msg: 25
Dating someone in early recovery from alcoholism
Posted: 10/16/2007 5:04:26 AM

Having something/someone to stay sober for could be just what he needs.

Theres only one person you need to stay sober for and thats yourself !! People are not in your life as "feelings fixers" or as "carers" !!

Isn't one of the "12 steps" refraining from starting any new relationships for a certain amount of time? If he's serious about recovery, he needs to follow those steps.

There is no set amount of time !! The 12 steps are spiritual steps which start first and foremost with "self" ............How can someone care for another when they dont care for themselves ? The first relationship "anyone " should have should be their relationship with "self" or else how do we grow to be the people we become ?
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