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 word nurd
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 1
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Lack of eye contact on a first datePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I searched the archives and found plenty of threads about eye contact, but none about the lack thereof, especially on a first date. I understand that an initial meeting can be nerve-wracking. I also understand that some people are simply shy, whether by nature or due to circumstance.

For me, eye contact is essential. Conversely, when someone is staring off into space, I interpret that as not being "present".

I've been told I have a "penetrating" gaze that can be rather intense, and most people aren't comfortable with "soul searching" eyes. But I don't know how to turn that to the "off" position, short of looking away, and I certainly am not trying to make my date uncomfortable.

So I'm wondering: is there a happy medium? Any suggestions?
 goomba2
Joined: 1/29/2007
Msg: 2
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Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 4:58:41 PM
I think I have the problem of too much eye contact= staring. I'm almost always in work mode, where I am practically daring you to lie to me. "Look at me and say that." I sometimes get the feeling that people are uncomfortable with how much eye contact I give. So I will purposely look in other directions to try and dull it.
 Athulatha
Joined: 8/7/2005
Msg: 3
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:18:27 PM
--From my own experience those who have stared too much have turned out to be obsessive and almost "stalkerish".
--Those who have never made eye contact were completely uninterested.
--Those who look quick, then blush and smile and look away were interested but shy.
--Those who look when alternate between eye contact and looking around have been the best matches for me.

I think that other women will have different preferences, but I like to be aware of my surroundings (and I enjoy architecture and interior decorating). I do not like it when others demand that I only look at them and cannot really understand those who are not interested in their environment.

--------the added bonus is that if you are just getting to know each other you can share thoughts on the artwork on the walls or whatever is around for conversation.
 drewwlf
Joined: 5/24/2007
Msg: 4
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:23:37 PM
good one goomba2. On first meetings especially, you can have to much eye contact. So what do you do? Look away from time to time? Then they think you are checking out the girl behind the Tim Horton's counter. Can't win... but that is another thread.

OP., I searched for a happy medium, they are out there. It is in the venue selected.
An example, for a first meeting try something that does not require constant eye contact. One that works for me, a walk in a park. ( I do it to see if she can keep up with me on a four mile hike, if not, she is not for me.) Back to the point... It gives you a chance to look or look away. Did you see that bird, deer, etc.? Do you like nature, exersice, blah,blah blah. Well you get my point.

Then if it goes well, you can sit on a picnic table and do the eye to eye thing, without being distracted by the hottie behind the Tim Horton's counter. Find something similar that you both like to do.

drewwlf
 a1na2
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 5
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:32:51 PM
It can be uncomfy if someone stares into your eyes the whole time.


The opposite indicates a lack of interest and is also rude.

Giving quick looks into your eyes and then quickly looking away repeatedly is adorable and flattering.

Looking at you for 10 second intervals and looking down at the table for 5 second intervals have turned out to be the best matches for me.

 Solarpanel
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 6
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:35:01 PM
I think this is a case of thinking too much. Put a smile on your face, sit back and relax. Forget about the eye contact business. Soon as you're conscious of it you're in trouble. Act as though you're having a good time and you've known her for years. I find if I'm in a cinema with a woman who likes me and don't give her any eye contact she'll soon be sitting and turning to look at me. Having a meal across from me I let her lead the way. We'll end up looking at the content in her handbag and stuff. Too much thought about eye contact and you'll be a nervous wreck. Do what feels right at the time. Alternatively stare her out head to toe repeatedly and when she says 'stop that you're like a stalker' just say 'shut up and don't interrupt me I haven't finished yet'.
 vosche
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 7
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:46:14 PM
i raised to look at someone as i speak to show respect and undivided attention. when i meet people who cant do this it gives me the overall impression of some things:

1)disinterests in anything but what they themselves have to say or think.
2)shady behavior(as in their motive for meeting me isnt geunine interest in anything other than how they can get into my bed with me..its so glaringly obvious that i can almost hear the gears in their head turning as they calculate their next moves to get me there)...making eye contact for them would mean they had to aknowledge me as more than an object to be used for their gratification. not making eye contact lets them self justify their planned self indulgence without guilt afterward.

i've met several men from this site who have done this and in each case they fall into the scenarios mentioned above.
 Twelve Feet
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 8
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:57:55 PM
Wear a patch over one eye. That should reduce the eye contact without requiring you to actually look away. Ayr.
 Athulatha
Joined: 8/7/2005
Msg: 9
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:01:47 PM

(as in their motive for meeting me isnt geunine interest in anything other than how they can get into my bed with me..its so glaringly obvious that i can almost hear the gears in their head turning as they calculate their next moves to get me there)...


Opposite of my experience. The "starers" have been the ones only after sex. They stared to feign interest and to analyze my reactions to everything (like a hunter stalking prey). As I thought.....different women will have different opinions on the matter.

Solarpanel's suggestion to "Act as though you're having a good time and you've known her for years." is the best way to go. Basically, you would just be acting naturally (whatever that is for you) and will find someone right for you.
 word nurd
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 10
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Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:02:52 PM
^^ Arrrrrrrrrrrrr!! Finally some useful advice! Thanks, matey! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!
 jewelescent
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 11
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:04:15 PM
Im very shy and rarely make eye contact with ANYONE. I look everywhere except your eyes I will try to make quick eye contact and look away asap to let you know im kinda paying attention and im interested. Does not mean im sleazy or lying or anything like that. lol
 Jalbuu
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 12
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Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:07:04 PM
Eye contact with some is more than essential, an on a 1st date its importance rises significantly, afterall these are people we have taken the chance of meeting with the views of being long-term/friendship/whatever in the future. I myself find it very hard to be relaxed with some-one who can not look me in the eyes, i understand that there are people out there who are nervous/shy about meeting someone for a 1st time yet i find that after 30 minutes of such behaviour its a turn-off for me, be it in a work situation or socializing so now when i find myself in a posistion such as what you are having i suggest a quick walk i have found that while people are walking it is hard for them to maintain negative body language which lack of eye contact is.
Now this is a flip side to the original point women when intrested in a man will lower their lids when talking to them this does give the impression that they are not intrested & in most cases will be over-looked in the long run, my advice to you would be that instead of just focusing on lack of eye contact, try looking for other clues in the language they are using both physical & vocal.
with empathy & regards
Jalbuu..
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 13
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:14:22 PM
A few things come to mind here..................

While a USMC trainee we were specifically NEVER to "eyeball" a superior officer simply because we were not worthy to do so---part of the training process. As we became better trained and eventually full-fledged Marines looking someone straight in the eyes was almost mandatory---we were then equals at least as far as that went. When newly releaased I too had an intense gaze that some found interesting, others found frightening, still others found it downright troubling and thought me to be somewhat insane. Those who knew me before the military said there was a different look but most couldn't describe it---except one girl I'd known. She described it as a "mile away look" but when pressed about it I began to think she meant "thousand yard stare" where you appear to be looking "through" someone. I've learned to temper that a bit and seek eye contact but not to the point of it becoming uncomfortable for another. You simply need to relax a bit and not be so intent upon looking at them constantly.

I agree that over thinking this eye contact thing is self defeating especially if you put too much importance upon it. Like already stated there is no one "right" way this happens so please don't try to make so much of it. If assessing someone was this easy it would be great---but we really don't begin to know someone until we've spent more time with them. Only then can we start to interpret what eye contact and even body language is "saying".
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 14
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:21:40 PM
Eyes contact could be a double edge razor. Too much eyes contact might be rude and instead of showing you have interest might be showing you are just for the looks and maybe sex. Try to be yourself, even if you don't look at the person's eyes, as long as you keep with the conversation and keep her/him interested in you, eyes contact is not big thing.
 AppleGeek
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 15
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Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 7:01:53 PM
I have a hard time keeping my vision focused on anything not matter how green her eyes happened to be. I do make eye contact just not staring.
 tammyisme
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 16
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 7:18:39 PM
To me, a man that stares scares me off. I am very shy (at first) and do not like intense eye contact. That said, no eye contact is a sign of disinterest. A happy medium for me is to do something sitting or walking side by side, where you do not have to maintain eye contact, but can show interest by actually looking at the person that is talking.
Grabbing a coffee and then walking along the lake is usually the most comfortable for me
 strat22
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 17
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/17/2007 11:42:52 PM
I am painfully shy sometimes where I cant even look a person in the eye. Thats why alcohol is my friend...
 Pamperpooch41
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 18
We'll end up looking at the content in her handbag and stuff. Too much thought about eye contact and
Posted: 10/17/2007 11:55:10 PM
Lmao, I'm sure I must have been on a date with you previously, second thoughts, no, I would have remembered. This is just the thing though, you need to make light of the situation, and if you feel she is pulling away from your gaze, just tell her you have a gluey eye condition, and your eyes get stuck on the most attractive woman.
 a1na2
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 19
We'll end up looking at the content in her handbag and stuff. Too much thought about eye contact and
Posted: 10/18/2007 1:53:43 PM
I was always taught that maintaining eye contact was polite...it's nice to know that somewhere along the way someone may have thought I was creepy, sex on the brain, etc.

 Rednek99
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 20
We'll end up looking at the content in her handbag and stuff. Too much thought about eye contact and
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:27:33 PM
Eyes???? Women have eyes????

Never made it up that far with my gaze to notice that they had 'eyes'.
 *tinydancer*
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 21
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:35:16 PM
As long as you're not trying to engage me in a stare-down to see who'll look away first, eye contact is good. Unless you have those creepy, dead-looking shark eyes. Then eye contact is bad. But maybe that's better than looking at the waitress' ass
 reporterchick
Joined: 9/18/2007
Msg: 22
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:39:50 PM
Maybe because my job is spent mostly on the phone talking to people all day, I am a little uncomfortable with eye contact. It's not that I'm shy or embarrassed, it's just that I sometimes find staring into someone's eyes when they are talking, uncomfortable. I do try to look the other person's way as much as I can though so they know that I am not ignoring them completely.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 23
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Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 3/14/2008 4:31:52 AM
I think too much eye contact is a sign of aggression. Best to limit it to a few seconds at a time. No one likes to be stared down.
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 24
Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 3/14/2008 8:38:07 AM
Hi

too much eye contact may be viewed as leering. A penetrating gaze could be viewed as intrusive. A happy medium would be to be aware of your date and culturaly difference/upbringing also comes into play concerning eye contact.
 studplayrico
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 25
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Lack of eye contact on a first date
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:32:07 PM
I don't keep eye contact unless I know is reciprocated. I am of a little shy nature. I believe eye contact is key though, but not a gaze since it may send the wrong message to her or him. Like I said,it all start with a look and aceptance of both partners, then I believe a simple Hi.
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