| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:30:04 PM | | I did not expect the feeling of loneliness to be so profound as a single and just coming out of a long-term relationship. Are all singles lonely? How are these gut-ripping feelings of loneliness handled without giving into getting drunk, stoned or sleeping around? I know for a surety that men and women were not meant to go through life alone. Don't get me wrong... I have done many things by myself - movies, shows, festivals, fairs, etc and derive satisfaction from doing so but I know that I was not cut out to not have a partner. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 7:29:27 PM | I had to get use to it.
One minute it was Grand Central Station around me - the next minute - I had only one person in my life. That one person is one of the two step daughters I helped raise. She is married now - has a BA in nursing and started off on her career.
I went from a family of four - a mom that I talked to almost daily to almost zero contact with humanoids - and it was almost over night. Kids got grown - wife took off - mom died. All in an 18 month period.
On top of that - I’ve worked from a home office for the last 18-19 years.
I always had a SO until these past years (4 years). Girlfriends from about 15 yo then two long marriages. Maybe 45 years of having an SO was enough. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 7:33:18 PM | My female friends are married. Didn't have any male friends. I just decided it was time to make new friends. I started cardio kickboxing. I lucked out and found out an old neighbour was recently separated so we started hanging out for a bit. We went to see live bands and to dance. We ate out lunch. I started having lunch dates with female friends with no kids. I started reading again--books really! No more magazines. I continued going to college and had time alone to do homework. I watched tv shows when they are on not pre-taped. I rented movies. I went grocery shopping more often. I went crazy clothes shopping. I re-decorating my living room. I talked on the phone for hours. I went on POF and made some friends. I cooked/baked more. I have met so many new friends out and about through my kids.
Life continues....and oh you will appreciate your free time...give it time! | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 7:33:59 PM | | In my case the feeling of loneliness eventually changed into an aloof apathy about love, romance, mankind and life itself. Looking back I wish I had chosen instead to drink, get stoned and sleep around. Then again, had I been able to sleep around I would not have been lonely. I guess it baffles me how a woman can be lonely, unless she is married and her husband is gone somewhere. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 8:56:42 PM | | All my friends are dating people and all happy and pushing it in my face. Loneliness sucks. I'm practically alone 24/7. No emails on here at all. I don't bother sending any anymore because I don't get replies and if I do, it never lasts long. I've wasted too much time trying to find love. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 9:07:51 PM | ^
I know what you mean, I had a time where a lot of my friends were finding love and going on and on about it and it gets really old fast. No emails here either, I never get replies as well and if I do it doesn't last long, same thing haha. Your not alone , believe me! 90% of the time I send a message to any girls I might be interested in I see "read/deleted" haha go figure huh? | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 9:12:02 PM | | Ya but I am alone. Although there are other people going through similar things, they aren't me, they don't know what I'm feeling right now and they never will. And it's not like us lonely people all hang out in some weird sort of club or something. We just randomly post things like 'your not alone' to try and make people feel better. Well I don't because I know how much I despise people trying to make me feel better. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 9:16:07 PM | Seriously I have been there, I was always the guy who would be led on, dumped, cheated on, to the point I had no self esteem at all because of it, I swear I had to like "re construct" my self confidence, and it made me a stronger person in the end because I realised that I didn't "need" a girl in my life, instead I look at a future relationship as an add on to my life and experiences and something special if I end up in a good relationship later on I mean.
Your not as alone as you may think. There are plenty of us who crave romance and a stable relationship, but it's not easy. Never is. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 9:19:54 PM | | Yea well I'm not rebuilding myself just so I can get knocked over again. Your heart can only take so much. And mine has had enough. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:11:18 PM | Well,
I am out of a 4 yr relationship and I definitely feel lonely. I have friends and a great relationship with the brother and sisters but its not the same obviously.
BUT...
1. The way the ex dumped makes me feel happy that he did ultimately, because he was cruel. Thus I'm kind of ok being alone.
2. Just being on here lets you know that there are others like you, there for there are other people out there for you.
-I agree...give it time. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:19:51 PM | Dont be so jaded Nautical,
I know its not easy to play the fool all of the time (believe me I know), but you come to a point where you realize that you can make better choices in the people you associate with.
In my case, after this ex REALLY hurt me, I had to examine why I stayed in a relationship with someone for so long knowing they would eventually hurt me. It was a combination of my self-esteem and the fact that I was not holding people up to the same standards I hold myself by.
I began to see a pattern with all the losers I was dating.
And I recently looked at the ex's MySpace profile and he was very happy. I looked at his pictures and his entire profile and I thought OBJECTIVELY, "wow, you really are a looser!"
-Life happens, but you dont have to get hurt again in the same ways. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 12:33:47 AM |
Then again, had I been able to sleep around I would not have been lonely. I guess it baffles me how a woman can be lonely, unless she is married and her husband is gone somewhere.
Interesting thought twelve feet but an erroneous one ... a succession of quick sexual flings can be as bad as drinking bouts still leaving you lonely but with less energy to deal with it. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 5:10:10 AM | | I suppose you're right for some people, if they are unable to feel close while having a fling. I would not be one of those people. A quick fling would make me feel a lot less lonely. I do not discount intimacy just because it happens in the moment and without the context of an entire dating history or a plan for the futures. The basics are still there, available unless one shuts them out. Two people, touching, grand feelings, closeness. I think of it like if a gungru man gets a meal, so what if he doesn't have a steady diet, for that day he is well fed, and it gives him something to go on. Or would you say that he would be better off starving the whole time? I think it is about how you approach it, and whether it runs away when you do. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 12:40:36 PM | | For me lonliness has just been a way of life. I've rarely known anything else. I was an only child, with parents that worked all the time. I lived in a military community, so I was quite used to friends leaving. I also married a military man, so he was rarely around. Believe me, I know all about being lonely. How I deal with it is realizing that being lonely is ok. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, it just means I am capable of feeling it. It's sort of like if we get injured somehow, the more we fight the pain, the more it hurts. If we relax, and realize the pain isn't going away, and accept it, then it seems to matter less. Go enjoy the things in your life like you always have, and don't dwell in the feeling of being alone. It doesn't go away all the time, but it does get a little more numb. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 1:26:28 PM | Hang out and talk with your girlfreinds. Mine have been my lifesavers. E-mial, join yahoo groups...
LONG bubble baths WHILE watching a movie on TV with candles and tea
Running
One step, one hour, one day at a time sweetie  | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:10:00 PM | I am glad to see a thread on loneliness where people didn't make other feel bad for admitting it.
It is profound isn't it? And in a totally different way than being lonely in a bad relationship.
If nothing else, in a weird way I am grateful now that I understand and have more compassion for other lonely people? If that makes sense? I think because I deal with a lot of isolated caregivers.
How do I handle it? Well I don't do any of that stuff you mentioned (drinking, drugs, sleeping around); but like you, I do keep myself busy with the stuff I enjoy and I am generally happy with that.
With that physical pain of loneliness I guess I finally got to the point that I know it will eventually pass. There isn't much else to do with it; except get out for a hike or something.
It sounds to me like you are doing great because you do have the stuff you enjoy too; so you know how to be content alone; but looking for that loving partner as well. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 3:47:48 PM | | I think I do all the healthy things that have been mentioned here to combat loneliness: pampering myself, keeping up friendships with girlfriends, staying active in the community & at work, but the bottom line is I'm still lonely for someone who genuinely cares about me & what's going on in my life. Just this week, I attended the funeral of a dear friend, and I never felt so alone in my life. It seemed that every other person there had someone to comfort & support them--a spouse, a SO or a close family member, but I felt totally alone. I long for someone who has a history with me, who was there for important milestones. Even if I meet someone tomorrow, it still will never be the same. I think that is the very essence of why my divorce was so painful. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 4:09:15 PM | I don't think anyone wants to be alone but sometimes you need to be mature and strong enough to realize that you need to dedicate some time to yourself to 'grieve', to 'heal', to 'grow', and to be ready for a new relationship without the damaging baggage.
It's been a long time for me but it has not been wasted. I've learned to have fun with my friends and my family and myself. I've learned that I can do EVERYTHING alone if I need to and I have learned that I enjoy being alone and when I do find the 'right' one, I will be as much of a blessing to him as he will be to me.
Cheer up. You don't NEED someone to be happy. But it is nice.
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 5:44:02 PM | the day i drop the kids off from school to go to their mom's afterward is a day of the week that i go into "alone" mode ... it's a profound feeling and one that has gone from really bad to .... just a day that is different than the others. that day i try to really organize at work, schedule things that need to be done personally ... dentist, bills, oil-change, etc... so at the end of the day i feel accomplished. the evening is just quiet and the house is empty ... i travel so there isn't a pet to greet me ... it's just quiet. i try not to make it significant by running out to party or adventure like i used to but rather i stay home that night and sort through the house and then sit down and read a book ... when normal came back to life during phase 3 (lol ... it's a system ... ) i started to deal with the alone time in a positive, sustainable and realistic way ... it's part (especially if you have children) of life and all you can do is live it. when you start to "enjoy" or "miss" your alone time when it goes away ... then you've finally met yourself ... and when you decide you like the "you" that you met ... then you cross the bridge to phase 4 and your life will never be the same again ...
or something like that ... | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 8:25:59 PM | I think we all feel a wee bit lonely once in awhile. Surround yourself with postitive people and a lot of good clean activity and you will feel better.
Most people when they are lonely they will start to mask it but in this case if you date respectful people then you might one day feel not as isolated. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 8:38:51 PM | hard to exactly relate to it. I've been that loner and outcast type my entire life. Oddly, I always have people wanting to talk to me for some reason. So maybe, at best I can answer what to do when you're alone for a while.
Get a dog, get a hobby, find a passion and something that fulfills you that you don't mind doing on your own. Take that time when you're by yourself and use it for self improvement. after a bit, you'll find how truly valuable it is.
Someone wiser than me (my business partner) said when I got out of my 10 year relationship that I built a skin on me from the relationship, everyone in a long term one like that does. It'll take time to shed it and form a new one, but it'll be one of your own making. In time you'll make new friends, have new experiences and mabe learn and do new things and that will be your new skin. You'll start getting more stories to tell that don't involve your ex or your past with them, and maybe, if you're lucky, you'll realize that despite all the bitterness and anger now (it was a real bad scene and worse breakup) , you'll find in time that you don't really hate them, you hate what they did to you and what you became because of them. In a while, you'll find you're not that person anymore, and you will forgive yourself, and finally move on. Then yo'll know you're recovered from it all. Took you a long time to dig yourself in this far, it'll take time do dig yourself out.
You know what, sometimes I hate it when he's right. and he definitely was. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/18/2007 9:02:46 PM | All singles are not lonely. Some prefer downtime to the constant company of marriage. Personally, I experienced more loneliness during my married years than I do now.
As they say: whether you get married or stay single, you'll regret it.
The positive side of free time is that you can follow your dreams toward self-actualization. By becoming fulfilled and happy, you will automatically attract many people into your life.
I'm reminded of Genesis where God created the heavens and it was good, the earth and it was good, the land and waters and it was good, the day and night and it was good. Then he created man but man was alone and it was not good. So God created Eve so they could be companions and then it was good.
Use the energy of your loneliness to push yourself to join meetup dot com groups, to take more risks, to become more interesting, to expand your horizons. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/19/2007 2:51:43 PM | Yeah, when you dont like being alone its not a pleasant feeling. Some years back I preferred to be alone, and shunned the idea of any type of LTR; however that changed totally about 3 years ago; furthermore after being in 3 relationships I realized how much I was missing. Worse yet since getting out of my last relationship its been nothing but a lot of close calls, recently be stoodup 3 times in row, other dissapointments. I do have a couple things in the works, but its going to take time. Also the first of the 3 girls I mentioned dating above I still have whats best described as a "non-committed relationship with; however she is currently in the military, but writes me quite often. She is one of the few who never stopped contacting me, we have maintained kind of an off/on relationship...I could see her & I ending up together when all is said & done.
The bottom line is its hard to do things alone. I am hanging in there, something has to give here sooner or later.
Good luck to you. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/21/2007 11:08:11 AM | I am a very introverted type person,so I seldom if ever feel lonley. But I hate going anywhere alone and do not. I know that gut wrenching feeling,and no drug or alcohol or another person will fill it. I had to leave my daughter behind when I left and came here 2yrs ago,finding somewhere to put those gut wrenching feelings in a place where you do not let them control you,to me is still hard..but id go crazy if I didnt.My computer has been my escape...
I do want to eventualy get in a relationship again,but I have learned in the time ive been single....4yrs now...that I was lonley in that relatiionship,and I needed to learn to love myself and be ok with just me. And im very reluctant now to want to give up my alone life. | |
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| Loneliness
Posted: 10/21/2007 12:42:24 PM | There is a lot of good advice on here. Being alone and being lonely can be two different things. The first is easier to adjust to, the second more of a challenge.
We are the sum of our experiences and looking back, I wouldn't change those times when I had feelings of loneliness. As some of you say, an empty house can be tough after you have been staying with friends or family. Play your favourite songs, buy yourself some flowers and things improve. I have been by myself for 15 years by choice (never met anyone I wanted to be with) and I am only now looking to be in another relationship for the challenge of it. I would say, during that time of healing, one of my biggest comforters was my cat. In addition, the knowledge that my guardian angel was/is always with me so I am never alone. It can be tough when you see other couples together. I would then remind myself of the bad times and feel better.
So OP, as someone else suggested, take this time to get to know yourself. Go into the loneliness and understand it. You can say positive things to yourself like.... it won't last for long. This is just another opportunity to grow. Time heals all.
One thing for sure is that when you love yourself, others pick up on it and you won't be alone for long. When you feel lonely, your energy is different and people pick up on the negativity. I hope this helps. Sending you happy thoughts. | |
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