| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 4:43:38 PM | Any guys have it? tips, my kids are 3 and 6 years old. My soon to be ex is a decent woman, but strayed and doesn't want back in.
I want 50/50 shared custody. what schedules do you do? are there support groups? How do you handle expenses?
thanks
Sam | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 4:51:37 PM | I have 50/50 shared custody. I have the kids one week on and one week off. I've maintained the schedule since they were born (this is VERY important).
My tips is that you must set and maintain a regular schedule.
Expenses are set according to the State that you live in. In Connecticut there is a schedule that helps you compute what is required.
Another Tip: Keep a set of clothes at your house. Don't get caught up in shipping clothes back and forth.
I do not know about support groups, sorry. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 5:51:44 PM | | I have full custody now, but 4 years ago i was able to start with joint custody. My lawyer did tell me going into court that fathers are basically not looked at as "equal" right away and have an uphill battle. But, i think the factor that helped me get joint custody right away was the fact that my ex would show up to court only 1/2 the time. I started with having my daughter from Wed-Sat each week, but it eventually went to full weeks every other week. A year later she lost all of her kids permanently (3 of the 5 went to a foster home if i remember correctly). | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 6:05:40 PM | "what schedule do you do"
i do 4 days on 4 days off with my ex. The kids adjusted just fine. A week off, week on was just too long for both mom and dad we like the 4 days better.
"how do you handle your expenses"
food, kids products, medicine etc are each parents responsiblity at each home. We rotate bdays...(my kids seem to get a ton of inivitations from school etc).
We rotate basically all expenses for that matter....clothing, school fees etc.
Extra activies are also shared...such as girl guides.
"are there support groups"
I suggest asking your family physcian...mine is an awesome resource person. It will vary depending on your areas but single dad groups are common. Also try your local family resource centre.
Try working out a schedule with your ex on your own. If you cant then try mediation...it costs nothing.
Lawyers are slow and drag things...this is how they make their money. If the ex is not co operate file for a joint custody order with your local court. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 6:37:40 PM | Depending on your state, if you're willing to share 50/50 and your ex is agreeable to this, then it shouldn't be a problem of having joint custody. I don't know how the courts work there, but in california usually parents go thru mediation and work on what each wants, and the mediator decides what's best for the children's interest if the parents can't agree on custody.
as for support group, try contacting churches near you, they may offer help with resources. as well as googling support groups and your location | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 6:49:12 PM | The ex shouldnt have to be agreeable (it only helps in this regard with avoid court).
Bottom line dads should have equal rights with mom when it comes to custody.
(assuming the parents here are capable and have their personal affairs in order) | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 7:37:55 PM | Part of what isn't being considered here is the "best interests of the child". I'm hearing "I want, I need," but not what your kids need.
Kids need stability and permanency. Sure, they need both parents, but unless you plan on living in the same school district as your ex until your kid is 18, 50/50 physical custody is very hard to do. I question whether a child would feel they truly belonged somewhere, if a house was really their home, if they were only there half the time.
When people talk about 'joint custody' they usually mean *legal* custody. Generally one parent is the primary physical custodian and the parents share equally the power to make important decisions in their childrens' lives.
This may be an unpopular opinion with you Dads, but at the same time I know almost as many dads that have full custody of their children as I do mothers, and I work in the legal/child welfare field.
Sarah | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 8:13:51 PM | | Alot of single fathers I know have 50/50. I think its great! Good luck to you. I cant answer your questions because Im the soul parent, but Im sure there are books and alot of things you can find out about it online and the forums. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 8:29:22 PM | | when i was young my mother moved to nj because kids hav4e and a say in what they want younger then other states. if ths has changed i do not kn0w. there are many support groups for single fathers i would suggest asking the courts or even dcf or in ct there is 211 which gives you that kind of info. expenses good luck but i know this one incrediable father who shared custody of there kids 50/50 he gets stuck with paying for most things. another single father has soul custody of one child with no support and pays child support on another kid which the mother does not allow him to see. all i can say is good luck you seem genuine and will find a way to make it work. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/19/2007 10:33:06 PM | It's great that you "want" it. ..but im actuality might not be "best" for your children.
My humble opinion is that joint custody should be looked at on a case by case basis as you should make considerations for ages of children, temperaments of your children, etc. I am not saying it can't work, but you have to be pretty darn commited with the other parent to make it a very positive, easy transition for your children and to always check in and make sure it is working as well for everyone involved. Transtions for kids, etc. is hard enough for some, including my own kiddo, with a pretty standard schedule of one night and eow.
Good luck. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 10:19:22 AM | Though i dont have a custody order yet, I have shared parenting 50/50 with my 3 yr old son since he was 1yr old. We used to do a 3 day on/off routine so he wouldnt be away from either parent for to long but we recently switched to a week on/off schedule now that hes a bit older. He wont ever remeber us all living together and doesnt know any differently.
Some things may take longer for the kid to develop being in 2 possibly 3 different homes (daycare). Communication between the adults in the childrens life is the key to the success of the childrens. Everybody must be living a simular routine and communicate. Keep them active! Make it easy for your X to give you the children rather than her looking for a babysitter regarless the reason ( allways be there)
I am spending more time with my son than she does and i never miss a support payment. Be responsible and it will reflect well on you if it ever ends up in a custody battle. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 10:27:07 AM | "unless you plan on living in the same school district as your ex until your kid is 18, 50/50 custody is very hard to do"
That is an obvious with a 50/50 situation is it not?. Of course you have to be in the same school district.
Im sure i can say for a few here that it works just fine.
You can question all you want, but have you given this situation a fair chance?
If BOTH parents are loving and capable of providing care, neither parent supercedes over the other.
Children have the right to have BOTH their parents actively involved in their care and upbringing.
I would never accept being a weekend daddy. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 11:40:43 AM | "You can question all you want, but have you given this situation a fair chance?
If BOTH parents are loving and capable of providing care, neither parent supercedes over the other.
Children have the right to have BOTH their parents actively involved in their care and upbringing.
I would never accept being a weekend daddy."
I don't have the option of giving the situation a fair chance. I'm adopting my teenager out of foster care. I work in child welfare now, where I see the effects selfish, crappy, drug addicted parents have on their children every single day. I see the effects of kids being bounced from parent to parent to aunt, uncle, grandparent, mom's best friend, etc., for a few days, weeks, months, even years at a time. It's devastating to the child no matter how much they see their parents. For the past 15 years I've worked as a paralegal in private legal practice and have seen how few couples can divorce or settle childsupport without tons of drama, which no doubt causes anxiety and stress for the child.
I'm glad it works for you. I hope that it continues to work for you. But it is probably only truly feasible for about 10% of parents and children out there, if that. Many children just can't handle the instability of the frequent transitions.
Sarah
My point is that I truly believe parents need to put the best interests of their child before what they want for themselves. I'm not against divorcing or saying that you should stay in a bad relationship. But what your child needs at a fundamental level should come before whether you believe you are entitled to equal time with your child. The 50/50 situation is not doable for everyone because few are the parents that can keep their petty former relationship drama out of the raising of their kids. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 11:54:43 AM | If you feel that it is in the best interest of the children then go for it. I feel it is and have remained an active part of my daughters life.
One piece of advice a lawyer gave to me years after is a mistake made by allot men. He said "don't leave the family home". You have just as much a right to be there as she does. If she does not like that then she can move. There is no reason why you should have to move out of the family home. It will position you better also when it comes to court. So, don't leave. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 11:57:26 AM | Aeropeach
^^^^^drug addicted parents are a far extreme to many of the parents on here.
Of course joint custody should not even be considered for irresponsible parents. That was not what the thread was about, at least to my understanding. I see your basing your opinion on work experience. While i realize this is the case for some people with addictions and problems it certainly isnt the case for the many parents who have their life in order.
"many children just can't hand the instability of the frequent transitions"
Again, your incorrect and generalizing here.
There is no frequent transitions in a split care situation between a mom and dad. It is two homes which children can adjust fine too. Dont just look at my scenario, look at several other posters here.
Both homes have there own toys, clothes, and personal space/rooms. Its called adjusting and understanding the realities of blended families and relationships changing.
Gone are the days where marriages last 50 yrs. Just look at our divorce rate in North America...its about 50% or 5 in 10 marriages end in divorce.
"But its probably only feasible in 10% of parents and children out there".
Source please? Can you back that comment up with fact. i certainly dont believe that.
This is your opinion that you have stated. I dont know the stat on this but i do know times are a changing and many relationships that end are going to joint custody. This number is increasing not decreasing.
"My point is that parents truly need to put the best interests of their children first before what they want for themselves."
Uh huh, that is exactly what i am doing and what some of my fellow brothers and sisters on this forum are doing. Your ASSuming that we are not putting our kids first, and that is hogwash. Ask my children, who are now 6 and 11, if they want to live with both mom and dad and they will say YES.
Of course 50/50 is not doable for everyone. I never said it was. But any presumption made that mom should have the kids first is baloney and not fair to the children involved. Both parents should have equal opportunity to raise their kids. Many children want BOTH dad and mom involved. The courts are now reflecting this. (of course as i have always said assuming the parents are able and capable) | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 1:18:29 PM | | I am sure that there are success stories with Parents and 50 - 50 custody. But, the part that would concern me is the lack of stability for the kids involved. Do they truly feel like they are ever " Home "? I am one of the lucky Dads, that has sole custody. I would think that the Parents would have to have a good working relationship and live in the same school district so that the kids can see their friends regularly. Expenses are usually based on percentages and income levels earned. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 17 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 1:39:37 PM | ^^^^i dont want sole custody. That would be unfair to my children and to their mom.
What is fair is both have custody.
This arguement about stability is nonsense. There is no stability issues if the parents get along, or have a court order defining the access.
"Do they feel like there ever home"
Why wouldnt they?
Children of split care with both parents have the same sorts of things at both homes. (example.....their own room, assortment of toys, access to extra ciricular activities etc)
They also live within the same school district.
They also have friends in both neighbourhoods. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 5:26:38 PM | | Pucks, why wouldn't kids feel like home you ask? Well they would be living out of a gym bag for the most part. I personally feel that kids need a home base. How can you feel like you are truly home when you are only there 2 weeks out of the month? | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 5:31:52 PM | ^^^just ask my kids they will tell you.
Or better yet ask all the parents here in these forums with joint custody....Chef, Iago_lives, Mr. Fairenhiet, Chef, Ripeagles and Idareu69 too name a few who have joint custody or 50/50 care.
THESE CHILDREN do NOT live out of bag.
What part of they have their own rooms, their own set of clothes, their own toys and belongings at both homes dont you get? In actual reality they have more than they would at just one home, far from living out of a bag. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 6:34:34 PM | Doesn't sound far from living out of a bag to me. They are the bag.
The belongings get the stability.
no offense pucks, but why not ask the kids if they'd prefer that you and the mom did the musical chairs bit rather than them.
Of course if you ask the parents view -you get the parents view.
Imagine shuttling back and forth like that. Yuck...
You'd hate it, I'm sure. Ahhh, screw the kids, let them bounce back and forth.
Either way, it's lose-lose for the kids.
ps, look into fathers support groups, lots of them on the net.
There's alot of things you need to do in order to protect your interests - fathers are easily replaced when mom's so choose.
She's already stamped 'unworthy' on your forhead.
Cover your bases legally, Trust that the mother who discarded you will do the same for your wants with regard to your child. Be proactive. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 6:43:01 PM | The only bag they bring home is their back pack from school.
Children can have stability in two homes. It works for me and others here. It may not for the majority and i realize that.
"no offence pucks, but why not ask the kids if they'd prefer that you and mom did the musical chairs bit rather than them"
no offence taken.
But i wish life was that easy.
Firstly kids are just that...children...like a 6 yr old can take care of herself and make that decision.
The parents sometimes have to make tough calls.
I wish more relationships lasted. I certainly didnt choose this route. But to stay in a relationship just becauase of the kids is wrong imo. There could be many factors as to why a relationship is not healthy, and sometimes these relationships involve children.
The best you can do is provide a loving/caring home and if both parents can do that civilly then all the better. | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 7:30:53 PM | ^^^ Exactly Pucks...Thank you for that!!
It's the maturity of the parents..when it comes to the needs of the children.
My girls love the fact that they have two houses, two rooms, etc, etc. They occasionally bring things back and forth..such as a favorite game or a piece of clothing they want to wear..but it's their choice.
As parents, the girls are the first priority to me and my ex. We have discussed what would happen if either of us moved...and as my girls are at an age (11 and 16) to make many of their own decisions, the choice would be theirs.
We don't live in the same school district though (but in the same city)... my ex and I bring the girls back and forth in order to not disrupt their schedule. We share expenses, both attend important functions, Both plan and decide on holidays.
Again...it's the maturity of the parents. We dont' have a primary residence for the girls...we both have shared and equal custody...as it should be! | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 7:52:52 PM | ^^^you betcha maturity on the part of the parents plays a huge role.
Craneman,
correct me if im wrong but didnt you get sole custody because your ex is unfit?
What would happen if your ex was fit/had her affairs in order/could provide a caring home (hypothetically speaking) as many moms are, then what?, are you saying you wouldnt want joint custody if that were the situation? | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 8:58:21 PM | Just to chime in on the shuffling the kids around arguement.... Does this not happen if one of the parents has physical custody and the other has "parenting" time, say every other weekend, three weekends a month, every weekend. Do they not get shuffled around in this senario the same if not more, and "live" out of a gym bag? This arguement is weak at best.
As it sits right now, I get "parenting" time three weekends a month, my sons (6 and 11) consider my home THEIR home. I have a court date in a week to change things, wish me luck. 8) | |
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| I want shared 50/50 custody
Posted: 10/20/2007 11:30:22 PM | Exactly, Damage!
When children see their noncustodial parent on every other weekend schedules. Very often the "parental" aspect is thrown aside. It becomes a chore for the child to go see mom or dad for the weekend. Many times weekends are skipped for that reason alone. The "Gym Bag" is more common in this situation as well. Because in most cases the n/c is responsible for child support. Anyone who deals with support payments knows what I mean on both sides. n/cp pays support and many times feels they shouldn't have to buy anything as it is covered by CS. c/p disagrees and complains that CS is not enough to buy everything.
Now, for actually defending 50/50 physical.
No one should attain 50/50 automatically, just as no one should sole. All cases should be case by case. Every divorce is different.
Inform yourself on the law, child psychology, etc... This takes hard work on both sides to make work. You have to make sacrifices, roll with the punches, pick your battles, you will make compromises you never knew you could make. Do not argue over small things, this stuff will even out in the end.
Forget about the past it is history. But, you have responsibilities that will last a lifetime, focus on that. Make your child(ren) your #1 priority and do what is best for them. | |
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