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 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 1
The Perfect Male ProfilePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
(———– humour only : if this offends you, then it is you ———————–)
well lets see…
obviously i’m looking for that typical woman that has blonde hair enhanced by highlights, with the perfect figure, which is of course artificially augmented. And lets not forget botox. One can never have too much botox!!

of course you have a perfect tan, and are bubbly and like to do all the boy stuff, so that i’ll read your profile, and obviously you’re sweet! oh did i mention blonde with blue eyes? there doesn’t seem to be a lot of the blonde blue eyed, works out at the gym, and is fit, wanting the man that “completes” her on this online dating site, can you believe that? I know! It was a shock to me as well!

Oh! I love being with the woman that wants that hot guy! The same kind of guy she chases in the bars and is now chasing online, because obviously if she hasn’t figured out that she’ll end up with the same kind of guy online after getting hurt by them in the bars, then that is the girl for me!!!

I know who you are by the wonderful cleavage shots and butt shots you give in your picture choices, since after all, you want to be loved for your mind, not your body, as you flaunt it in as many pictures as you can! Because that is what guys want! If you have at least 1 picture with you holding some fruity drink or a martini glass with some colored liquid within, then obviously you’re the girl I want! Because it would be horrid to have to leave you at the bar or club with the $5 you came with to buy your first drink before you played the room and had the other boys buy you drinks!

it would be really helpful if you were shallow and superficially materialistic as well, while declaring you’re not, so that we both know that entitlement issues are first and foremost.

If you’re a narcissist, please do contact me so we can both spend the rest of our lives making it all about you! If you use words like “princess” or “baby” or “material girl” or “girly girl” to describe yourself, then you’re the girl for me! I know that I’ll have a lifetime of you ****ing and complaining if everything isn’t done just your way for you and who cares if it inconveniences anyone else, because the sun and the moon rise and set on your ass!!!

oh! If you’re a bohemian vegetarian? Please! Be sure to wear your leather shoes, jacket and gloves when we meet so I know you’re steadfast in your convictions. After all, there is nothing wrong with skinning the animal as long as you don’t eat the meat right?

If you live in Eastern Europe currently, i would LOVE to fly you and your entire family over to save you from the hardships, and of course I will love you sight unseen by the first bulk email you send me! If you’re a pornbot that wants me on messenger to pay 9.95$ to see your cam, obviously i am aching to have my CC billed by adult entertainment charges over and over again!

For those of you that tell everyone that you know what you want, be sure to constantly look over your shoulder and keep an online profile just in case something better comes along, you know… so you don’t miss out, and can trade in the guy you’re with currently equal to that of a drive-thru… because even though you know what you want, you might actually be wrong in what you choose and what you want might be just around the corner in your convictions of surety which in reality doesn’t exist, but it sounds great in
your profile.

I would love if it you spoke your mind. Constantly giving your opinion on anything and everything, telling everyone else that you don’t agree, and that they’re wrong, as you give it! Make sure that you speak your mind at every unsolicited opportunity to be sure that everyone around you as fully aware that you never filter anything that you say, speaking before thinking, and never using wisdom or prudence. After all it is very important to be sure that all whom are around you know that you have never heard the phrase, “speaking is silver and silence is golden” and that you are incapable of ever knowing that most times it isn’t worth saying anything and that your opinion isn’t the be all and end all of life. Besides, I’d like to know that I have a woman that is totally
common and low class.

I want someone that travels. And by travels I mean goes to another country, stays in a hotel. Brings a camera and brings all their preconceived idea’s, hang-ups, bigotries, and narrow-mindedness, taking pictures of everything and everyone as though you’re visiting a zoo.

It would be even better, if when you do go and you see them eating something that makes you say “ewwww that’s gross” and make it known that they don’t do that in your country so that everyone knows you’re ignorant and a tourist. After all it is important to me that we come off as shallow and narrow minded as possible while simultaneously telling everyone that we’re open minded and bohemian.

Please please please watch shows like big brother, or those pick a mate reality shows, because it is important to me to know that your value system includes subversion, games, sneakiness, and back-stabbing. How else can I be sure that you’re going to treat me in a manner that is in your best interest?

Remember! we’re making this all about you!

and last but not least! It is very important to me that you have a mundane cliche which has been used a million times that you found on a website, or a hallmark greeting card, in your blast or tagline or opening statement or even in your profile so that you at least attempt to sound like you have some depth, even though we both know it’s just not true at all. Because dammit! It isn’t about what you really are, its about what you say to get what you want! And you are what we are here for aren’t we now?

Yes!!! Lets hear it for you!!!!

(———– humour only : if this offends you, then it is you ———————–)
 ImKnight1
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 2
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 5:01:00 PM
good stuff but i didn't find it as humorous as I found it to be true. nice post
 Mystic Magic
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 3
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 5:10:13 PM
Where is this profile? I think I have some contacting to do!!! LOL. How horrible, I hardly saw myself at all! lol My only hope is that this is a compliation of about a dozen girls you've dated and not just one megalomanic.

Watch what you wish for, seems your wishes have been answered more than you'd like!
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 4
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 5:46:43 PM
this is a culmination and interpretation of so many online profiles its funny....
 LWK
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 5
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 6:59:53 PM
thanks for a good laugh , your profile itself cracked me up too
 nanoderm
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 6
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 7:11:19 PM
Anyone who reads that can identify with at least one part of that ... even you OP ... it's just the way life is ... if there was an escape we would all jump on it
 ewx050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 7:15:08 PM
Ha! Good sh!t brother! I've been wanting to write something like that for years.
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 8
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 7:55:39 PM
there is an escape... its called not being shallow, not being narssisitic, not being self focused, not being materialistic, not being all about me, and realizing that the sun and moon do not rise and set on my a$$
 coffeebabe
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 9
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 8:06:15 PM
Haha that's hilarious! One can never get enough of sarcasm! Totally made my day!
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 10
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 9:22:47 PM
Why not write the perfect female profile?
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 11
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 9:38:12 PM
i haven't found a perfect female! THANK GOD!!!!
 Hammerman
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 12
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/21/2007 10:21:18 PM
Can i steal that and actually use it ? It is so funny and yet so great at the same time .
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 13
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:27:39 AM
nope, believe it or not i wrote this ages ago and it is actually copyright protected, and i'm the author :) so yeah feel free to reference it but I'm sorry that you can't use it....

mind you, i bet you could write a personalized version yourself without any problem. we've all - men and women - been able to do a generic every man/woman profile if we wanted to do so :)
 bored112175
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 14
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 12:33:04 PM
That was great! But you forgot the friends! who will pretend to like you to your face & when you're gone will bad mouth you. just like I do with you're friends. Because my friends are so much superior.

But it really is a great post!
 nanoderm
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 15
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 1:00:07 PM
Okay so this guy is so great ... that he decided to right to tell me that I am wrong ... so I defended my opinion (no harsh language used) and he writes this ... a freaking 40 year old writes THIS

roflmao.. i am happy right now, and i've never dated anyone that was so unkempt that they couldn't like themselves enough to weigh 200 pounds.

I've also been to africa and currently, with 3 friends of mine, support a little village in Lumbamashi Congo... its on a map go look it up...

i also currently volunteer for the Union Gospel Mission and have for the last 15 years. I've also created a course which has a 100% success rate which has been - to date - tested in eugene, oregon, sanfran cali, houston, texas, vancouver bc, cold lake alberta....

so whatever dude, you go ahead and put everyone in your little shallow box of how you need to view the world ok?

i see the world as it is, I speak 5 languages, and have lived in over 210 cities globally, with the only continent yet to breach being australia.

i give advice to universities, city and state governments, and the miliitary.

I don't watch television, and I'm not artificial or fake in anyway shape or form....

sorry that you need me to be as weak and as pathetic, and as shallow and as lame as you are....

i'm not... hell i've done for for all of what i believe in than you could hope to accomplish in your pathetic little life of gimme gimme, and i deal with your kind all the time, who think that everyone is like them ,so that they can look themselves in teh mirror and sleep at night in their weak shallow, selfish egotistical little worlds..

you're the first kind of people I fire when i'm hired onto contracts, because yo'ure a waste of space.

i see the world as it is, i live in this world knowing i was born to care for my fellow man, and not make it all about me.

I am NOT lonely, I have met my soulmate and i'm only here because I have friends here on the forums you ignorant self righteous little ****...

ok?
clear?
do you get it yet?

your kind disgusts me, because they can't possibly accept that other people aren't so self focused as you are. you're alone because no man will put up with that selfish siht for a long time, and well honey, as much as you may not like it, your looks are fading and they'd rather have a younger girl if they have to deal with that adolescent whiney crap....

thank God the women in my circle of friends all have a clue about life and aren't part of the lowest common denominator.... uhhhh like you.....

piss off and don't contact me again, girls like you are a dime a dozen, whether in a strip club, or sitting in a lounge waiting for the next man to fleece.... you're boring and the only difference between a prostititue and women such as you is that the prostitute only charges by the hour and doesnt' want half of everything he owns...

good riddance.
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 16
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:44:48 PM
if the shoe fits ;) find your sucker to drink from it :)

don't know why its not there, cuz i didn't delete it, but meh whatever... it would've been nice if you posted the, you are this and you are that email you sent... so that everyone would have a better context of you deciding what i am and who i would be to validate your own inability to be honest, while you prance around in your indignant denial....

the only people who have ever said that "everyone is like that" are those that are totally that self focused, that self serving, that narsisistic, that materialistic, and that shallow...

duh - so you sent me an email privately so that no one would say that, oh and of course the insults which i can't post cuz the email has vanished... which in turn had you recieve the fullest of my blast up your face, cuz well honey? I won't buy your ticket, and i'm not the sucker and/or any of the suckers you fleeced before the next sucker you're about to fleece...

besides if you weren't the very thing i described in that joke profile? you wouldn't even have remotely attempted to defend it... or justify it, or rationalize it, or validate it... doh!

because the other women who are NOT anything like that profile? know i'm right. like it or not.... if you are it, you proved it...

so good on you.. try to make me look like an asshole by manipulating and subverting it to only one side of the story... good on ya...

cuz remember.... i didn't contact you first, i responded.... dumb a$$....

i don't waste my time with low class ladder climbers.
 nanoderm
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 17
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:49:10 PM
First of all you did contact me first, responding to my post ... saying "you are wrong ... i am nothing like that" ... and I responded (which i don't have either due to ur blocking) saying you'd be happily married to some 200 pound woman and helping poor kids in africa instead of posting ... had u been NOTHING like that post of yours ... it's merely an example to show that there is some of that shallow/narcisistic view in all of that ... and I wasn't defending it but merely acknowledging it ... if anyone reading ur post could not identify with ANY part of it i'll consider them an angel ... but you're crude personal reply just crosses the line ... what makes one think that from few lines I initially wrote you had me figured ... a pure ignorant only
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 18
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:05:50 PM
well i just deleted what i wrote...
you know what amazes me the most about this? I have posted this particular piece on 3 different websites, it gets an average read of 6 to 10,ooo reads a day. It has been syndicated and comes up in searches of 5 of the top 10 dating sites.

I've receieved tons of emails on it.....

and you are the first person out of all of those viewings that has ever defended the narsissism the entire parody represents...

and you don't see how obviously silly that makes you appear?
go back to giggling for your boyfriend... it seems that you have forgotten what it means to be an wise, and thoughtful intelligent woman.

oh and don' forget your prada bag on teh way out ok?
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 19
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:21:40 PM
Hey LivingByBeats - U really go for the jugular, dont you?

I am the tumbleweed that got all hurt and offended by your comments last night. U did say something interesting, though. You suggested that it is because I am from Vancouver and that women from Toronto are somehow superior - more substantial - I believe you wrote and then you implied that not much good be expected from the area Pamela Anderson comes from. Why not elaborate? You are no stranger to controversy.
 nanoderm
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 20
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:07:20 PM
Do you know how obviously desperate you appear ... that looking through your posts it entails nothing more than arguing with everyone ... you sure you got a girlfriend ... your profile sure says single ... or maybe you're just looking around a bit as well ...

ok ... my paper is done now ... i won't be checking your immature replies anymore
 Hammerman
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 21
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:50:55 PM
LivingByBeats on .so have you ever used it ?
 LivingByBeats
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 22
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/23/2007 1:14:46 AM
hammerman: used what?

Xavery: yes i do go for the prominent vein. its the shortest distance to the flow, thus I get to cut through the bs so much more efficiently. And if you can't quote me properly? don't quote me. it means i have to correct your comment to me and that takes up extra "going for it" space in the comment.

ashley? i had to read that three times... only heard "wah" though... shrugs.. oh well too bad so sad.


heh... hammerman.. heh.. i forgot that this was the thread on my compilation of the "perfect male profile" and yes i used it. Hell i have a whole bunch i've written and they're all parodies.. :) you should check out my "first date" one i have up now... its dry humor but has comic value :)

i did get quite a few responses and met some really cool people with it when i used it. but like all good comedy its only good for a few runs, then its time to change it up right?

go check my profile randomly i'll change it.... i mean really... if you can't laugh at yourself, how much fun is it to laugh at everyone else? ok well its lots of fun... but still... i don't take this as seriously as some folks... i let one of the girls i'm dating read it and she was cracking up... it would be cool if i could find a woman that would write one from a woman's perspective of what all the male one's look like... though i've heard from different women that men aren't that inventive or expressive... its pretty much along the lines of :

"i love my mom. i love the outdoors. I go to the gym, i grunt, I eat with my hands, and pull my finger"

huh, maybe i'll write one, just for the hell of it.

 JVLMM
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 23
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/23/2007 2:11:25 AM
It's the topic of this thread "Humor"???? I'm sure there are scads of women who could write the female version of this, directing it at no one in particular but encompassing several personal experiences. Lighten up people!
 Xavery
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 24
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 10/23/2007 8:09:37 PM
LivingByBeats - Are you denying that you said that women from Toronto are somehow more "substantial" than women from Vancouver? Could you please let me know where you stand on this issue? I would like to be able to quote you properly.
 GypsyGirlShannon
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
The Perfect Male Profile
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:02:43 AM
Holy hell that was good. People, lighten up and get a life!!! I know some of you are on these forums just to be nasty and cranky and respond to threads in any conflicting way you can but it was HUMOR. It was COMICAL. And most importantly... (as LivingByBeats wrote) if it offends you, then it IS you. Otherwise, why in the world would you be offended and feel the need to defend yourself? You know the phrase 'The Truth Hurts' actually came about because of a reason. Food for thought.

In parting, two words... LIGHTEN UP. Life is too short. Okay, maybe six.
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