|
|
|
|
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 3:43:55 PM | Ok, here's the story. I have fallen for a guy whom I love, find very compatible and enjoy being with very much. One problem, he owes about $200,000.00! The debt is from his student loan. Now he works at a good job, but if he lived like a hermit (no vacations, no splurges, no going out to dinner, not even movies on the weekend) he will have it paid off in 16 years. Yeas 16 years, we did the math together. He said that I am not responsible for any of it, but how can you be in a relationship and not share.
What am I supposed to do; just live my live and do all the above mentioned things while he sits at home. Thats crazy! If I'm with someone, I'm WITH someone. But if I am with this guy, I am giving up: owning my own home, any extravegance at all, the ability to provide for a future family, etc... So would this huge financial debt be a deal breaker to you? | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 3:50:09 PM | I would say that, yes.... 16 years of living in abject poverty would be a huge deal breaker for me.
I don't need a great deal of wealth, but I want to be comfortable, and I've worked too hard to want to worry about pinching pennies for a decade and a half. | |
|
| |
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 3:59:16 PM | Well, you can look at this a couple of ways. Many will tell you to walk away precisely because this was not a "bill" that was created by you both. I would advise thinking long and hard about what you are going to do because this could be a decision you will regret for the rest of your life no matter which way you choose.
One assumes that this good job is professional and that with his career his earnings will rise substantially more than they would in another type of job, which means that the 16 years is probably a bigger estimate than reality. So if your relationship becomes permanent, then yes, you should share the burden because that is what marriage is and also because you will benefit from the education the loans paid for. He can also see a financial advisor and potentially invest some money to create additional revenue for the loan. He could work a part-time job to knock off bigger chunks of the loan and perhaps refinance some of it if any is high interest rate.
You are making a mountain out of, more than a molehill, but still. The 16 years is without any contribution from you, it is without asking for financial advice, etc. You can buy a home on your own and they do not look so much at the total debt but the monthly debt when doing something like a mortgage loan so your debt load is not as bad as you think it is.
I have dealt with financial issues and these are not necessarily the biggest problems in a relationship. When I married my X we were paying $12,000 a year in child support and he was making around $40,000. I really don't know how I paid the bills after we had our daughter and I worked at home for around a year, making about enough to make my car payment and a small bill or two. If I could turn back the clock, there are many things I would gladly not buy so that I would have more in savings, it is a matter of really thinking through your priorities instead of just spending because it is there and not obligated somewhere else. The money really had nothing to do with our splitting up, it was because I married the wrong guy.
If the only thing wrong with this guy is the debt then see a financial counselor and get a more realistic picture of how to fix this. If you have found someone that you are truly suited to this would really be a non-issue for me. There may be millions of other fish in the sea but the ones that you mesh with are very difficult to find. Guess you gotta ask yourself if you would enjoy life without this man and is it worth keeping yourself in Starbucks and new cars? When you cut back on things, you really do not miss them, but you would miss him if he is the right guy. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 3:59:57 PM | That's a toughie, I guess you don't own your own home now? If not, then yes, it's going to take longer to achieve, but if you make a good salary and he can help contribute *something* to the household bills, and you love each other, then wouldn't one household with two incomes be easier?
I'm not trying to persuade you either way, just typing out loud. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:05:23 PM | Wow....welcome to the real world of higher edumacation!! I'd be curious to know how many people with Masters and Phd's now feel about being considered 'bad financial' risks' by people who wanted somebody with 'intelligence' to begin with.....Damned if ya do...damned if ya don't...huh?
You said he had a good job......but then you cry the poor working woman who says he will sit at home?? Which is it??
Back in the old days, when people had debts, it was called HARD ASS WORK.....like TWO JOBS. Because people back then were saying things like "OUR house"....and "OUR debt"....and "OUR money"........All I heard outo you was the 'singular' tense.
When my brother and his wife went to get married and buy their first house, they BOTH were working two jobs to get the debt down. They also moved into a really crappy small place to keep expenses down. That's the way it WORKS.....you make sacrifices, you team together.... and then get out there and bust hump!!
Why don't you just find yourself a blue collar man who doesn't have such problems from bettering himself with higher education?? Some of them make pretty good money WITHOUT the cumbersome student loan attached.
What are YOUR credit car bills like?? Did you pay CASH for that urban assault vehicle you're standing next to? YOUR house is going to be as much of a debt as his student loans. And with the foreclosure rate as it is, what makes you think you can afford what you want now ANYWAY?? Loans are tightening up. You got that BIG down payment going to be required? What if HIS education finally garners him the 'dream job' making MORE money than he is now?? Is it still just going to be "YOUR house?"....I doubt it.
If you two are serious about each other more in the ways of "LOVE" and less in the way of 'debit and credit' columns....then you two are going to have to figure out how both can live with the "OUR" in your lives and then WORK at it. Otherwise, go be on your own, or marry a millionaire.
Plenty of married people have student loans....with one, the other, or both. I know several. They do fine...but they WORK at it.
I also recommend you two go buy some books from a guy named David Ramsey....Take a read at what he says and proposes and then see if you can work the plan together if you're serious about each other.
Best of luck | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:08:00 PM | Some thoughts: Many single guys are divorced. The number one cause of bankruptcy in America is divorce. Which one is more of a deal breaker:
A. a large debt, like a good years pay for instance?
B. someone who declared bankruptcy to avoid paying their obligations?
I would think both would be a deal breaker for many women who have reasonable expectations about wanting a relationship with a guy who is solid, comfortable, secure, financially stable,or instantly can be a provider and highly capable of overcoming extraordinary challenges? | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:08:05 PM | Ohhh I tried that once! Personally, it's not anything I'd ever do again. I was completely in love and supported him going to college and unfortunately, supported him a whole bunch over the remaining seven years of the relationship. End result? He now still owes $170,000 in student loans and probably around at least a good $15,000 to $20,000 to me and has a new girlfriend (thankfully)! lol
At least your guy has a plan to have 'em paid off in sixteen years. My exboyfriend's plan is to keep deferring the payments because he said whatever he owes after twenty five years, they don't collect. lol, lovely...
Sixteen years is a long time to go without eating dinner out and stuff like that. I guess as long as you love his company and can be happy with just that, you're good to go. After seven years of me paying for dinners and giving him money to buy me Christmas presents, I was ready to bury my exboyfriend in the back yard.
If you decide to proceed, keep in touch and I'll eventually letcha borrow my shovel :) | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:08:50 PM | | what about you. Are you incapeable of working or makeing money? OR do you plan on spending the rest of your life liveing on some else dime. In a relationship people usally work togather, But if it's just about the money you better find someone else. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:11:48 PM | Well for me..if he had a good job, reasonable security in that job....and was not spending as if he was a millionaire...I wouldn't make it a deal breaker. I also wouldn't combine our finances any time soon either. Protect yourself. If you try you can make it work...and if he's smart he'll consult a financial planner.
I know what student loan debt is like....it seems never ending...but it was worth it to get where I am today. I think that you have to take into account his current spending habits before you leave him.
Also why should his debt exclude you from owning a home? I don't own a home now but I plan to in the future..I'm not with anyone now and I'm saving for this home as though I won't be with anyone in the future.....it might take a few more years than if I had someone to share the cost. But I will have the things I desire in life.
| |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:12:04 PM | | Depends how you look at it. A woman I know in New york has a student loan & does actually still owe $200.000. But since she is becoming a immigration lawyer, if she gets in a good law firm it should not take her too long to pay it back. Especially since she is in a good location. So its probably considered a good risk since she is setting herself up for sucess. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:12:29 PM | | I also, have been in the same quandry. One of my dearest friends, after listening to my dilemma, responded to me by saying, "Don't be such a mercenary". Wow, I pondered that statement, and did much soul searching. The bottom line is that at this juncture in my life, I thought that I would have my ducks in a row. Meaning that my three adult kids would be on their own, and that thirty three years as a professional, that I would be footloose and fancy free. Then I met this man, who gave me such comfort, support, and nurturing. I felt such contentment, just being with him. I understood fully, what his financial situation; it was not an obstacle for me. However, what I learned, was that, it was a burden/obstacle for him. Each time, that a sale did not materialize, he drew further and further into his cave. His debt, impacted on his whole persona. He told me many times, how can I be in a relationship, when I cannot even take care of myself, (meaning his debt). I felt that same as you do,,,"how can you be in a relationship and not share"? Easy for us to say/feel, but even more important, how did all this make him feel? Apparently, the male psyche, is stronger than ties bound with love. No matter how many times, that I tried to reassure him, that money was not an issue, I forgot to understand, that for him, that it was. Have I given up? After three years, he is still battling his debt ghosts, and because of that, he cannot fully give the attention to the relationship that we both deserve. I empathsize with him, love him, but that is not enough, because he will not allow the bonds to flow. He is slowly ebbing away with the tide. How can I help him? I can give him his space, and hope that he will break out of the financial rut that he is in. Love is grand, when everything is in its place. Unfortunately for us, money is often the factor that is the missing puzzle piece, which completes the picture of total unity. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:21:32 PM | | On the other hand I've seen a couple of cases where a substantial amount of money has a long with other elements, often caused by the large sums of money has pressured and destroyed relationships. Personally I'm not at all superficial, looks are much more important to start, then the richness of a womans heart, mind and soul become important. | |
|
| |
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:36:36 PM | | OMG, you have to ask? I guess it depends on the stage of life you're in. I'm at the stage where I've worked hard all my life and want to enjoy it now. I'm fairly certain I'd want no parts of a debt like that. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:44:48 PM | Wow...tough situation to be in. I read each and every post before throwing in my .02 cents worth in and here is what I've come up with.
Re-read everything stated in the post by packagedealx3. She pretty much nailed it.
Good luck to you whichever way you decided to go. | |
|
| |
| |
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:01:13 PM | | can you say "prenup"? i knew you could. Vorche, another term for a pre nup (which in some situations, worded properly for the right reasons isn't the worst thing) ANTI NUPTIAL or a divorce agreement. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:09:40 PM | Iagree with msg #2. Get him to get in touch with a professional debt counsellor. In the UK, there is a massive consumer debt problem, along with rising student loans. As a result, the government developed several initiatives:
1) My student loans only began to be paid off when I earned over $28,000 a year. Even then, the monthly amounts were proportional to my income above that amount.
2) Reduced payments. If someone in the UK cannot meet his monthly payments, he can have the interest stopped, and can even pay a reduced amount by filling in a Reduced Payments form that he can request from each company. They send him a form, and he fills in his income, ALL of his outgoings, including fall of his payments to his other debts, and a figure for how much he believes that he can afford to pay to that company each month. Most companies are pretty flexible, because they stand to gain little by taking most such customers to court.
3) IVAs, or Individual Voluntary Arrangements. These are government-approved arrangements made through a debt consolidation company, who get 75% of the debt written off according to UK Law. The company assumes the rest of the debt, and consolidates it to one loan, which you pay off over several years. But the monthly payments are usually very manageable.
4) Declaring bankruptcy, also known as insolvency. It involves a court case, and he is unable to hold a bank account, or credit of any kind. However, in the UK, bankruptcy only lasts now for a year. After that point, he is able to go back to normal business. However, it will be kept in his credit record.
I don't know if any of these options are available to him. I am just giving examples of what can be done in the UK. Given the problem of consumer debt in Western countries, I suspect that similar debt arrangements are available in Canada. A good debt non-profit-oriented consellor, like we have with the Citizen's Advice Bureau in the UK, will be able to give him all of his options. However, any financial advisor who makes a commission off his business, is likely to offer the alternative that makes him the greatest profit, and this is likely to cost your S/O the most.
Also, you should speak to a debt counsellor yourself, so that you can isolate yourself from taking on his debts. You and he should be a able to have a good relationship, without this impacting at all on your finances, and he should be able to have a life as well. Debtor's prison is no longer considered a humane way of dealing with debt. Neither is anything that is equivalent, as you have described his circumstances.
That's my $0.02
Edit: Google "student loans Canada". There is quite a lot of information on how he can make his debts a bit more manageable, and the financial institutions who provided the loans appear to have their own websites, with arrangements for re-working the debt into more manageable payments. | |
|
| |
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:25:05 PM | | Well if you marry him then yes the debt will be on your back too. Besides even if you just date then you will never be able to go anywhere or do anything unless you pay for every date yourself. Hey if you are up for that then go for it. I wouldn't be though. | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:30:31 PM | Two salaries vs one? Seems to me that you'd be making life easier for both of you if you were together.
Even if that isn't so... comfortable life without the man you love versus a financially strapped life with the one you love... hmmm...
Why no house? His debt isn't in your name - you can get a house in your name, no reason why not. Financially, buying a house is wiser then renting!
Why couldn't you provide for a future family? Seriously... working together, you could get his school loans paid off in 8 years - faster then a lot of ppl! :)
It really isn't as dire as you think... doesn't have to be. :) | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:36:47 PM | YES!!!! Any adult that brings a debt into a relationship is 100% responsible for it. Student loan, home equity, reg loan etc it is 100% on them.
Why would any normal person take on someone Else's stupidity???????????? | |
|
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:36:57 PM | If his student debt is so big, that he has good education to make enough to pay his loan.
Actually I feel sorry for poor guy if the woman he is thinking to spend his life with ”For better or worse”, is thinking of breaking up with him because he has student loans. What will happen if he gets sick, drop him of by the road because he would not be able to work and you can’t have you extravagance?
I think you should break up with him, have some mercy. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
