| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 7:59:40 PM | My boyfriend is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks, and while I'm very much looking forward to seeing him, I'm not enthusiastic about the opportunity to have sex with him. I am very attracted to him, and we used to have really great sex several times a day, but it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. He never pressures me in any way, though he constantly expresses interest and readiness in rather obvious ways. I feel horrible rejecting him because it clearly hurts him, but if i just go along with it without any real desire, it is actually sometimes painful, or at the very least, unpleasurable.
This pre-requisite desire is a completely new development for me ( I never even needed foreplay before), and there is, to my knowledge, no physical reason for it as I've seen a gynecologist recently. I just started grad school so I'm quite exhausted with the work load, I feel very insecure about my appearance, but similar concerns have never prevented me from enjoying it before. I am actually now afraid to have sex because I'm worried it will hurt, no matter how gentle he is, and I rarely get turned on enough (when I'm sober) to throw caution to the wind. If I am really turned on, it is still fabulous.
I don't want this trip to be disappointing to him, because physical intimacy in the more traditional way is important to both of us. ( I would be more than happy to pleasure him in other ways, but he isn't really interested in that if he can't also please me.) We are still close physically and we both love to cuddle, but inevitably that leads to him getting aroused.
I guess what I'm really looking for is some input from people who ( or their partner) have experienced similar problems. Did you find that a lack of sexual desire was mostly psychological, and how did you combat that? Are there any positions you would recommend that would be less intense? What about foreplay?
Your advice is much appreciated :) | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 8:34:01 PM | Couple of ideas.
Check out with your MD if your thyroid levels are OK. Be honest with your MD if your sexual drive has decreased there may be a medical cause.
Your insecurities about your physical fitness is something you can address. Try a diet plan like WW or the like, will help your overall health as well as your state of mind. Share your anxieties with your lover.
Plan your lovemaking. Put together all the things you find sensual... candles, outfits, music, whatever. If you feel in control of the staging, perhaps you will feel the mood more. Be creative.
Hope all goes well. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 8:40:11 PM | | After checking with your MD as suggested above, I'd be re-checking in with your feelings about this guy. You say you find him attractive and you are looking forward to seeing him, but are you sure that's the truth?...usually we don't want what we don't want...meaning are you sure you still have an emotional attraction to this man? If not, then that may be why you are not having a physical reaction... | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 8:48:45 PM | you wrote something that really stood out to me. you said:
<div class="quote">I'm worried it will hurt, no matter how gentle he is, and I rarely get turned on enough (when I'm sober) to throw caution to the wind. If I am really turned on, it is still fabulous.
to me this tells me that there is no physical problem, because when you get turned on it is still fabulous. you can get turned on when you are drunk but not when you are sober. i just think it has to do with the amout of stress your schooling is causing you, grad school is tough.
perhaps these factors should be relayed to your doctor asw well. maybe a short term anti-depressant would do you good.
i hope you can find the answers, sex is just too good to miss out on.
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 9:22:57 PM |
I just started grad school so I'm quite exhausted with the work load,
I'll bet that's the problem in a nut shell. You are stressed out and and you mind is completely on other things. Now you have a form of performance anxiety that guys usually get.
Cancel the get together if you can, and reschedule for end of term (christmas holidays). By that point you'll know how you are doing in grad school and be more comfortable. You should have your assignments completed and be able to enjoy some down time.
Relax. Everyone goes through something like this at some point in their life. Sometimes you just have to let it go. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 9:38:23 PM | | You didn't say how long it had been between visits. Sometimes you have to practice to keep good at things. And sometimes you just have to start it to get into it. If it is painful, make sure you are using lube. Stress, exhaustion, and insecurity can make sex unappealing. But sex can make stress, exhaustions, and insecurity feel a whole lot better! My advice: Just do it! (and see how it goes) | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/23/2007 10:03:11 PM | Drink alcohol that evening.....watch porn everyday for an hour or so before he comes into town. Undress men in public with your mind.....see if you can get your hands on a viagra or cialis and take half of it if your not on any medication that contains nitrates...take four ginsings a day.....and last but not least dont masterbate at all .....you'll get horny soon enough. This stuff could surely help you.
Oh yeah, use lube if you dont produce your own due to lack of desire | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 12:18:20 AM | Porn doesnt help women!!!
Anyway, I am feeling from you that you just need some space.
You admitted to being exhausted.
Tell him that you have to deal with some other crap first.
Then, ask yourself....
"Is he someone I want, or is he just a pain in the ass?"
Ask yourself seriously, in a moment of calm; you don't want to lose the love of your life in a time of stress!! | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 2:23:05 AM | | Close your eyes and think about soap operas while it's happening. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 3:35:08 AM | By all means talk to your doctor about this. If there is a medical problem, then address it. But you also need to talk to this young man and tell him the truth. I would agree that it is most likely the stress of your graduate program. The last thing you need is to add to it by worrying about this. I suggest sending him a detailed e-mail before he comes so that he knows where you are and has time to think about it. If he truly cares about you, he will be concerned about your well-being. If you leave it up to him to figure this out, he probably will not get it right. Let him know beforehand and be clear and specific.
Putting myself in his shoes, sure I want to give you pleasure, but I do not want you to pretend for my sake or do anything that hurts. If you care about me, I would want you to pleasure me if that is what you prefer to do. If I know what is going on, then I would not want to add to your stress in any way. I would want to relax and enjoy each other as best we can given the situation.
Consider postponing the visit if you are going to be worrying about your schoolwork the whole time he is there. If he does visit, just do whatever feels comfortable to you. | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 4:04:45 AM | | OP, you are not alone, most of the women on here according to their anti sex profiles are stressed out about sex. maybe you just need a long break from dating until you get your stuff together. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 4:53:01 AM | | sounds like someone is bored in their relationship | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 5:54:25 AM | OPie, if you just started grad school, you need to remember (or discover) that the whole of the first semester is designed to stress you to the max (and ideally, get you to drop out). It's shark time. So, yes, a lot of the insecurity about yourself is intended. "They" might be surprised that it's carried on this far (as to make you sexually insecure), but I don't think they'd really give a rat's azz if they knew. So it's up to you to get through this. (And next semester *will* be better.) Breathe in/breathe out.
Beyond that, the best advice I've seen so far on this thread is from WaywardSeeker, message 10. Take it.
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 6:28:18 AM | It could just be a matter of knowing that it's going to be "expected" of you, which can be a bit of a turnoff. The pressure that you are under is at a high level, and this just feels like one more "responsibility," doesn't it?
Would your boyfriend understand if you explained this to him? So that at least he doesn't want to hop into bed immediately upon his arrival? LOL! The "knowing" that he will want it takes the spontanaiety out of it and it's just something else you have to do. Tell him you want to be with him, but you want to spend some time just relaxing with him first. If he understands, and knows what he's doing, he'll have you in the mood in no time.
If he doesn't know what he's doing, go out and order two margaritas. Same thing. LOL! | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 6:56:53 AM | Porn doesnt help women!!!
careful with the generalizations ... know many women that would argue that point... even my so she always said she didnt care for it but i knew better as she would watch it with me as foreplay then one day i decided to prove my point .... i picked a porn video with a plot ,,,,there are some ,,,, and we watched it together without touching just laying there watching after about 30 minutes i asked her if it was arousing her ... she said no ... i pulled back the covers and she was sitting in a puddle ... even she then admitted she was turned on ... now at times she will bring home a porn for us to watch ... we allways chose something other than just humping something with a story line ... its not a regular thing but occasional ... she even has her favorite movie it starts out with a group of girls riding bicycles ...usually shes all over me before the second act... dont think we have ever seen the end of it ...maybe never will... but she may have I have found it in the player when she was home alone ...those are the days when she meets me at the door and leads me to the bedroom... ill never complain about that | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:57:13 AM | Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but are you saying that even in the past you only get excited when you're drunk? If so, then that's a problem.
If you really WANT to have sex, you may want to try some lube...but DON"T use it just so you can have less painful sex when you're not really into it the way you'd like to be. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 10:51:46 AM | | The key is RELAX,the more you worry about it the more stressed you get.Go with the flow ,when it comes up so to speak,relax tell him your a little out of sorts,you need more gentle warm up time,he should understand.try not to think about anything ,but how good it is to see him and how much you have missed him.you should be fine. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 11:56:30 AM | I dont think that your stressed about sex,.....Your stress because of school,...and your BF coming over is something else you have to deal with.
My advice,...talk to him,..tell him that your really stressed out with school and you REALLY need to relax.
Ask him if he would pamper you for the evening,...example.
Light some candles,....open and chill a bottle of wine,...and draw a nice hot bath,...let yourself just soak for awhile,...after you have relaxed a little,...maybe ask him to help you shave your legs,...scrub your back,...i am sure that he would enjoy doing that.
After the bath,....have some more candles lite in the bedroom,...have some nice massage oils,..and ask him for a nice SLOW,..sensual body massage,....trust me he will jump on that in a heart beat,....hell maybe even offer him a nice massage.
There is nothing better then two oily bodies rubing up agaisnt each other.
I am sure by then that you are gonna be willing an able to have some fun.
Good Luck,...just remember sometimes it takes 2 to relax 1 | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 12:06:00 PM | You mentioned you are very insecure about your appearance. You may be ashamed of yourself to the point where it ruins the intimate experience for you. If you are a heavy girl, I recommend a fast. I'm male but it's how I've lost weight. I hate excersise, and I hate dieting.
I read about fasting on the web, some clinics even swear by it. A few articles suggest it's dangerous but honestly... what is our fat for? (from an evolutionary point of view)
Most sources say up to 30 days is safe, so that's precisely what I did.
At first, my friends & parents thought I was insane, and on the third day my mother accidentally made food for me out of habbit of doing so. I refused and in a very ungrateful fashion, lashed out at her for interfering with my fast.
Around 2 weeks, after seeing I was losing weight rapidly, my mother began to understand I was serious and turned around completely for me - She expressed regret for over-feeding me and said she was proud of me. To this day I receive praise from her, her friends, and her significant other.
I felt like a million dollars at the end of it. Not only was I healthier and looked better, but I had taken control of my life and acted above instinct. You can do this too, and not only do you feel healthier, also better about yourself on some intellectual levels. | |
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| stressed about sex
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:55:24 PM | | It sounds to me like he's not your boyfriend at all. It sounds like a clear case of two silly people who thought they could have a relationship with someone on the other side of the planet. Do him and cut it loose! You know...like you should have done 6 months ago. | |
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