| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:19:51 AM | * I've seen a few threads where men appear to be saying that women expect them to read their minds.
* I've seen a few threads where women appear to imply that they expect a man to be able to read their minds
So - my question to all you girls is this:
Do some women expect a man (or indeed, another woman) to be able to read their minds, or is it just a myth of "gender politics" ? | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:24:33 AM | Unless someone has psychic abilities,then my answer is no.
Relationships are about communication,without it,it crumbles. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:31:13 AM | OP,
Ok...I will put myself out there.
While I realize nobody would admit it, I think a lot of people do expect, to a certain extent, someone to know their thoughts. We expect, or at least hope, that someone will know what we want or need without our asking. I think it stems from the idea that it's difficult for people to express their desires. I am often afraid that I will be rejected or have my wants will be minimized.
I know, not everyone feels that way. But, I do think there are a number of people out there who secretly wish this. ;) | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:33:18 AM | michaelangelo ... NO .. not a myth ... I would not exactly say reading minds but a great deal of she-fishies do expect a male to intuitively know what ... she is feeling ... wants for birthdays ... Christmas gifts ... will make her feel better ... style and size of clothes/shoes ... romantically will entice her ... the list could go on forever ...
It is a rather childish trait ... one that hopefully most grow out ... I think it stems from women being listeners ... hearing what other women want and need ... staying alert for clues as to what gifts would be appreeciated ... being generally more aware of what goes on around them ..
I am in no way agreeing that this is the right way to be ... in fact ... the reverse ... if I am forever placing my unspoken expectations on you ... I am only repeatedly disapppointing myself as well as getting aggravated with you ... hence the 
Good clear communication with all expectations laid out on the table is a great way to stop this behaviour ... and maybe doing the unexpected at times ... spontaneous little gifts ... flowers ... a card for no reason ... so she need not WISH for what you cannot deliver ... as you no not what it is ... | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:33:37 AM | In certain situations I can *read minds*.. but more accurately I anticipate the needs/wants of the other person. I started helping my dad do home repairs when I was very young, so now I know how he does things, in what order, what needs to be done... and more than half the time now if we are working on a project I'm about a half step ahead of him and there's not a lot of verbal communication between us.
Communication can happen on many levels, be it verbal or non-verbal. Verbal is just easier for everyone to understand. No.. I do not expect a man to be able to read my mind. If we are together long enough I DO expect that he will begin to anticipate what needs to happen or what my wants are. That comes with lots of time and experience together. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 10:49:15 AM | | I think if you can tell what a woman is feeling or thinking without her saying anything , she sees it as you being in tune with her , or some kinda special connection. Which then upgrades your datability by like 5 points | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 10:49:34 AM | I wouldn't say reading minds so much..
but if I've been dating you for a year or so and you have no idea what to get me for Christmas or my birthday then I'd surmise that you don't really listen to me or know me that well..Since if you had been listening to me you'd have a clue what i'd like.. and vica versa
So I guess I'm saying it all really boils down to listening to each other ... | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 10:58:46 AM | ^^^^ Bingo! No1 hit the nail on the head.
Women love a man who can anticipate their needs. This is like "Mind reading" but not quite the same. When you are dating, a woman looks for behaviors that show your suitability. Many of the things that men are traditionally expected to do are based in this (i.e. holding open doors, throwing your cloak over a puddle as she approaches, etc) and show that not only is the man attentive to her surroundings, but also thinks ahead out of concern for her.
A simple example: You're at a bar with your date and your drink is empty do you:
1. call a waitress over and order another...
2. call a waitress over and order another and ask your date if she wants a refill...
3. notice that your date is nearly done with her drink, and ask her if she wants a refill, THEN call the waitress over....
The third option is treated like mind reading if the date was just thinking about ordering another drink, but it was really anticipating her needs.
Granted it is possible to go overboard with this, to the point where you are too attentive, and that can appear as overly care taking,smothering, or needy, because you will appear to be using a "Shotgun method" of trying to meet needs she doesn't have.
But if you can properly anticipate and meet a woman's needs, she will see you as a person who understands her on a very deep level, that you are concerned with her happiness and you are a thoughtful person. These are traits that are hard to fake, and therefore carry more weight than just saying that you are a thoughtful, caring person. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 11:59:04 AM | It's not mind reading. It's listening. If you've heard me say all year that for Christmas, I'd LOVE new all weather tires for the car, or a 'Dyson' sweeper, and then you get me a teddy from Vickie's Secret and a booking at Glamour Shots, then we're going to be having MAJOR troubles. Believe me. If I can go to that kind of trouble for a my guy, he'd better have the same respect and love for me.
Actually though, IF you (men) COULD read minds, that would be completely awesome. I'm trying to send out a signal right now for a platter of ass-numbing hot wings and some Michelob dark so I can watch the football game...... The man that brings me those will rule the world. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 12:18:06 PM | If a man could read a woman's mind he could write a book and be rich
eg
My mate once on Valentine's day bought his wife some flowers as he was working away and he had them sent to her works so show everyone how much he loved her (which by the way he does)
He got home the following day to be hit over the head with the flowers and the comment " Don't u dare ever show me up at work again!!!" | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 12:35:13 PM | | I come from a family that expected that from myself and the other kids of our generation growing up, and it's annoying. Therefore, no I don't expect someone to know what I want, nor do I want them to think I should know what they want - they need to speak up or deal with the consequences. Once you're like older than 10 years of age you should be able to tell someone what the hell you want. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 12:41:38 PM | Not to worry... if you can't read my mind... I also back it up with sign language...  | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 1:55:28 PM | If someone expects you to read their minds they're deluding themselves. If they expect you to pick up on hints, body language, facial expressions, etc. I'd say the outcome will depend on two things:
1- Their ability to clearly communicate their needs through such means (if they just stand there expressionless they shouldn't expect a response)
2- Your ability to read these clues (and here, abilities vary greatly from one man to the other)
Communicating non-verbally can also depend on how well you know someone and how much you've gotten to know their particular "signals". If you've been married for 50 years you could expect that to work to some degree. If you just ran into someone on the street don't be too hopeful.
If it was up to me I'd say: if someone wants something they might as well just TELL you what they want, that way there can't be any misunderstandings. If they insist on masking their desires they're just going to end up unfulfilled.
Communication, pure and simple. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:11:44 PM | Jonny: the problem with option #2 is that a man's idea of a hint differs very greatly from a woman's idea of a hint. To my way of thinking, if something is important, one had better do a whole lot more than dropping a freaking hint.
Men are very much like autistic children. We can't remember dates, phone numbers, errands that need to be run, or what our SO said for more than two minutes after she says it. However, we can name every member of the 1972 Dolphins, and what position they played, who they beat, and by how much.
It's not a matter of priorities - it's just the way the pathways of our brains have developed.
A woman, on the other hand, is like a walking Book of Grudges. She will recall, with absolute clarity, everything a man has forgotten, which he was not supposed to, along with every mean reply he ever made when she was provoking him because of it.
And it will all be used to her advantage later. lol | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:12:41 PM | Well,OP, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!  | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:14:08 PM | | Not read minds, but after several months together I'd expect somebody to be able to anticipate things a bit. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:22:09 PM | well, by definition, you can't read a mind, but you can get to know a person, and it'll seem like you are reading their mind.
Doesn't anyone but the truly insecure want to be well-known by their partner? Don't people want their partners to want to get to know them, pay attention, learn what they need and want and desire, as if it was as important as knowing their own needs and wants and desires?
If you agree, then it makes sense that people want their partners to be mind-readers. They want partners who are there for them, not their chest. how hard is it to find a guy who's dating a woman for her body parts? Maybe this is where the "myth" comes from... | |
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zsuzs
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Joined: 3/5/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:27:42 PM | Very funny that concept of reading someone's mind. I dont think anyone can do that, but if you are with a person you get to know them very well. You know their moods their actions and their likes and dislikes so forth.
So you know what they need and want without uttering a word. Thats how I understand reading someones mind.
On the other hand i heard the when a woman speaks her mind, being blunt and forward, she is called a lot of times aggresive or rude .
So damn if you do damn if you dont. | |
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Rys_
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Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:30:59 PM | | Knowing what your partner wants without asking questions.....thats about it. In my opinion, it just takes longer for men to get to that stage in a relationship. Sometimes we have to have our hands held to get there...but once there, all is good. Patience my ladies, patience. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 2:45:12 PM | Truthfully I am very, very good at reading body language and taking hints. The problem comes from the actual expectation that I MUST act on said hints. I get that you want that necklace for your birthday, you've drooled over it and cleared your throat. But I may choose not to buy it for you because if I do, then I am merely trying to prove that I meet your expectations and if I don't then I'm in the doghouse. I don't play that game. It's the one-sided expectation that kills it. Expectations are nothing more than pre-constructed disappointments.
If a woman is thoughtful enough to notice my body language and is considerate enough to think of my wants from time to time, then she will be pleasantly surprised when she's had a bad day and comes home to relaxing music, a shoulder massage, an Epsom salt foot bath and a chick flick on TV. As long as her hints don't come across as "orders" then I'm happy to spoil her rotten from time to time. In other words, what comes around goes around. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 3:04:24 PM | I get that you shouldn't be expected to read someone's mind...but here's what's been my experience with (some) men (and I say that only because I've been in relationships with men...man, will I ever be able to stop with the disclaimers here?) :
"Hint", no response....."mention in passing", slight response of uh-huh....."request", response with (sigh) yeah I heard you the first time....so at that point I'm frustrated and maybe resort to turning the volume up on what started out as a hint, and now I'm "nagging", and when I remind them that I've been "asking" for something for some three months now, I hear: "Why are you always bringing up the past for God's sake"?! | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:29:20 PM | | Michael Angelo - whether you are an artist, engineer, or a regular human being, a wise woman knows that a man can't read her mind. That doesn't go without saying there are mis-communication hiccups along the way. One caveat about women is they are raised to "please", to "nurture", even at the expense of their own happiness. A woman will go so long without expressing her fear, unhappiness, etc. and by the time she does express herself, it's too late. Women do need to express to men their wants, needs, hopes, dreams, etc. At the same token, women need to do it quickly, to the point, and very simple. Flip side of the coin, men need to do a whole lot more listening, and less focusing on "fixing". | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:58:11 PM | See if this scenario sounds familiar:
- He circles the tool in the catalogue, rips out the page, gives it to her and tells her that he wants this tool for a present.
- She gives him something completely different; perhaps a book about a place they visited together. After she "reads his mind" and discovers that he would have preferred the tool, she berates him for not appreciating the extra effort she invested in the "special surprise."
Obviously genders and people differ - often widely. Sometimes I think it's a miracle we ever co-exist. I read somewhere that, statistically, the most-successful marriages happen between women who have many brothers and men who have many sisters and, conversely, the least-successful are between only-children. Having had parents with successful (lasting) marriages also was a positive influence.
The theory was, that the disparities in behaviors, including communication, were better understood and accepted amongst the more-successful types. As well, they had developed different expectaions and communication skills for members of the opposite gender. | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:07:03 PM | | Ya know what's funny ?!? When ya find the right person - it's almost like they can read your mind and you theirs. You are both on the same page and your expectations are the same in many aspects - so no breakdown in communication occurs - because you simply have the same train of thought! | |
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| Reading minds
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:07:56 PM | All very interesting stuff. It seems from these posts that it isn't a myth and that many women do expect a man to be able to understand them, know their needs and feelings, at a "mind reading" level (obviously, I did originally mean mind reading as a euphemsim, rather than actual telepathy :-))
I hope I'm not getting hold of the wrong end of the stick, but it also sounds like a man being able to do this is VERY important to many women, in a kind of "if he can't intuitively know my needs and feelings, he isn't connected to me and/or doesn't care".
I have to say that I do prefer clarity myself and have never been able to understand or pick up communication at this level, no matter how hard I try and no matter how deeply I love and feel connected with someone. I find it kind of sad (well - for me anyway lol) that I may well have been judged not to care or feel connected to someone purely based on finding it impossible to communicate on this level. | |
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