| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not "putting out"?
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:23:02 PM | | My sister is involved with this man who told her in the beginning that he was in no rush for sex and that she could tell him that she was ready for sex rather than him pushing it on her. He told her that he considered it something special that they would share and that when the time came they would make the occasion one to remember. That was about four months ago. It seems that now things have changed. She says that she loves him and they do kiss and engage in heavy petting, but she just doesn't feel ready for sex yet and wants to wait a while longer. He, however, is growing "impatient" and told her that he feels disconnected and, in fact, feels turned off romantically towards her. He said that he wants to have sex with her soon so that he can recapture those feelings of romantic love that he had for her in the beginning. He tells her that engaging in foreplay with her and it not ending up in sex is causing him to disconnect from her. It all seems a bit confusing for me because in the beginning her told her many times that she should feel comfortable waiting until she was ready before they had sex and now he tells her that he feels disconnected from her and they need to have sex soon for him to regain his feelings for her. It sounds like he is playing games with her. In other words, if you want to keep me you'd better have sex with me or it's over romantically for us. What do you guys think? | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:31:48 PM | Hmm, seems there is an obvious pattern.
She says that she loves him and they do kiss and engage in heavy petting, but she just doesn't feel ready for sex yet
I have seen this personally where the girl gets you all going and them boom , stops. Its called a tease. Suggestion, kissing but no foreplay. Will he dump her, yes, most likely.
He should learn to talk about "why" it bugs him. She should say "why" she is not ready and talk in a calm and frank manner.
Oh yes,
all seems a bit confusing for me because in the beginning her told her many times Peopel change their minds or their time frames are more "first few date, no sex but in a few months we better get it on" he may have meant. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:46:43 PM |
That was about four months ago.
She says that she loves him and they do kiss and engage in heavy petting, but she just doesn't feel ready for sex yet and wants to wait a while longer. He, however, is growing "impatient" and told her that he feels disconnected and, in fact, feels turned off romantically towards her.
He tells her that engaging in foreplay with her and it not ending up in sex is causing him to disconnect from her.
Agree with Pepsi, she's being a tease. "She loves him", but after 4 months still doesn't feel ready for sex? He's feeling "turned off romantically towards her," but it obviously isn't on her priority list to do anything about keeping the man she "loves"? I mean, after 4 months, the guy is probably there asking himself "at this rate, are we *ever* going to have sex?? Is this a sign of things to come? Even if we do, is this relationship going to be a continual battle for me to have that bond with her because I'll be dealing with her 'not being ready' for months at a time? Do we have *any* compatibility on a sexual level, or am I just wasting my time?" | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:51:25 PM | | pepsi has my vote as well...tell you sister if shes gonna keep the teaseing up...she better prepare for a break up...that is childs play!!! And you think hes playing her...think again...you females are the ones in control of the llove makeing...think about it,how mant times do you here of a guy getting raped...you dont...so instead of finding ways to piont the finger at him...you might wanna piont finger at sis!!! | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:54:57 PM | I don't see anything wrong with trying to wait for the right time... even if waiting until marriage. Although if she is being a "tease" intentionally (i.e. to keep him on an emotional leash or something like that) then I don't see any reason for him to stay with her.
I once heard of a man engaged to a woman who broke it off the day before the wedding. The reason? Because she said the day before that after they got married, she would only have sex with him 3 times, EVER.... because she wanted 3 kids! (Can you blame the guy for breaking off the wedding??  ) | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:01:44 PM |
She says that she loves him and they do kiss and engage in heavy petting, but she just doesn't feel ready for sex yet and wants to wait a while longer. He, however, is growing "impatient" and told her that he feels disconnected and, in fact, feels turned off romantically towards her.
Ok ...why the hell is he waiting 4 months to have sex?
dump her already!!
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:32:48 PM |
It sounds like he is playing games with her. In other words, if you want to keep me you'd better have sex with me or it's over romantically for us. What do you guys think?
Few things:
1 If she isn't a virgin and she claims to be in love... she needs nto come up with a damn good reason for not engaging in sex.
2 If I were him and if I discover that she gets it on with other girls... her ass is gone. This seems to be the trend lately. Women satisfying each other while they make men wait.
3 By delaying sex for such a time, she had better be the best piece of ass he ever had.
In truth, I wouldn't give it to her the first time she wants to have sex. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:38:41 PM | I think that 4 months is a LOT of time. I've been out with virgins who were waiting for a relationship and they all wanted it after a month. I've known very religious people who were waiting until marriage for sex, and most of them got married in 3 months, including all of the arrangements for the wedding, and finding work that would pay for the wife as well, and an affordable apartment, all in their spare time. IMHO, the people I have met who have the greatest reasons in the world to wait, were quicker than her, and that's over 200 people.
She says that she loves him, they've been together long enough for anyone to call it a relationship, so what is she waiting for?
I'm incredibly patient too. But even I would be questioning what she's waiting for, in this situation.
FYI, I agree totally with msg #2. Kissing is one thing. Foreplay is "play before sex", i.e. it's what you do when you want to have sex. If a man loves a woman, then sex is an expression of his love, and foreplay w/out sex is like asking him if he loves you, and not listening to the answer. It's going to make him feel like he loves her but she doesn't want to know that he does. That's bound to make anyone feel distant and disconnected. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:40:36 PM | Hmm an after thought, the only reason not to get dumped is she's a virgin, I was in the same spot actually and the woman in question did not tell me (hell was a surprise) and once she communicated this it was different. Anyway, problem solved through honest communication and over coming fears.
Still if she's not, hell I'd have dumped her long long long ago. The guy being loyal and loving and expresses his displeasure at being teased. A deal breaker for myself at 42 would be a woman saying "I am waiting to get married to have sex again or first time" . | |
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WD145
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Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:42:00 PM | People have no idea what true love is anymore. True love is led by respect. A real relationship will prosper even without sex. When it is right, she will know. Any man who pressures a woman for sex has only his basic needs and satisfaction on his brain. But the key here is respect for her. Send him on his way. She, on the other hand, gets only the respect she demands.
Thats about it in a nutshell. No, there is no true love in it. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:52:17 PM | This guy doesn't respect your sister and lacks integrity. He is basically saying that I won't love you unless you have sex with me. He obviously is not genuine in his feeling for her. I mean, think about it, we love our family, friends, pets, children etc. and having sex with them is not a requirement for doing so. You don't lose your feelings of love because your partner isn't ready to have sex with you IF you really love your partner. If she's not ready to have sex then, if you love her, you should respect her and her feelings and wait until she is ready. The message that he is sending is that my love is conditional--on you having sex with me. This relationship obviously doesn't have a strong enough foundation and he is not genuine in his feelings toward her. I would advise her to stand her ground and NOT have sex with this man. He will eventually hurt her and it's better to get out now rather than to wait until after they've had sex. Love is not about ultimatums and pressure. If you really love somebody you will wait for them-- this guy wants what he wants when he wants it without regard for how she feels (although I have to give him credit for waiting the few months he's been with her as some guys won't wait a few dates) Sex is a big step and the emotional fallout out can be huge if you engage in sex before you are ready, so... that in itself should be enough for a partner to be willing to wait until his or her significant other is ready. I would dump him ! Also, if I was a guy I would much rather be with a girl who respected herself and has some morals/values enough to wait until she was ready to have sex than to be with someone who sleeps around with anyone who looks in her direction.
By the way, sorry I know you wanted guys responses but I thought I'd throw in my two cents worth. Good Luck ! | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 5:59:41 PM | Respect is about not teasing the poor man and not getting him all going with foreplay and them shutting him down. If she had respect for him, she's stop the kissing before it got to heavy petting as she said (foreplay really). This I see as the primary issue.
I think if she can't accept a modern relatonship and is not sure what defines her sexually active life or virgin life and what she wants and can not communicate this effectively to him, she should send him away and not date anyone till she has a clear idea and a clear experssion of what she wants.
As for the guy, too bad he's not here to read this. Ask her direct questions.
Are you a virgin
Have you ever been a victum of sexual assult
Do you have fear of stds
do you have a fear of pregancy
are you waiting for marriage
do I smell
OH and ask nicely, clothes on and not just after frustrated. Understanding the real issues can help go a long way towards helping solve the problem. The OP is 40 , I assume the sister is in the 30 to 50 group. Most likely had sex already and just has to communicate why shes not ready more clearly and a plan as to when "never/a few months, few years, marriage, etc"
Sorry, its 21 century not the victorian era, communicate, learn and respect. If she's got some issues counciling.
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:01:00 PM | ^ Perhaps so, WD145, but then again, she's continually teasing him with "foreplay", getting him all worked up and then stoppping... is that respect? Love?
"A real relationship will prosper even without sex"
Perhaps, but are we talking a "real" relationship, or a "healthy" relationship... Sex is usually a part of a "healthy" relationship, that desire for each other and that intimacy. So would it be all that wrong for him to be questioning their relationship, questioning her love, when after 4 months she seems to not want to share that level of intimacy with him?? I mean, the OP is 40, so I'm guessing her sister isn't a "spring chicken" or a virgin, if after 4 months together she's still "waiting" that would tell me that for all her "talk" of being "in love" with him, she's still questioning that - if she was truely "in love" with him, wouldn't *his* desires take an equal footing to her own?
Personally, doesn't sound like either one of them is particularly healthy to me. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:02:18 PM | Hmmmm - a depends question. Certainly I would never pressure anyone for sex under any circumstances
I can see "waiting" if you have some strong religious belief, or if you are young and inexperienced, a virgin eve, or if you had had some sort of traumatic event like a rape or sexual abuse, but otherwise it's hard to understand.
If you're both healthy adults, I can't see any reason why you wouldn't want sex after 4 months unless you really just didn't like sex or you were playing some sort of game or just didn't like that person sexually.
For myself, I wouldn't still be with her, not because of the sex, but because if this is how she feels about sex and this is her views we would simply be incompatible people.
I'd be interested to reverse this question and put it in "ask a girl". My guess would be that many women would think there was a serious floor in the relationship if a man didn't want to have sex with her after 4 months, unless they had very strict religious beliefs. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:03:39 PM |
People have no idea what true love is anymore. True love is led by respect. A real relationship will prosper even without sex. When it is right, she will know. Any man who pressures a woman for sex has only his basic needs and satisfaction on his brain. But the key here is respect for her. Send him on his way. She, on the other hand, gets only the respect she demands
Since when does ignoring a man's needs and disrespecting his wants constitute a balanced relationship? The entire issue of sex is about equality and pleasing each other.
Letting one person control the sex can only lead to the demise of that relationship.
She needs to stop with the heavy petting if she's not ready for sex.... her credibility is weak in that respect. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:31:52 PM | If she doesn't want to offer sexual gratification, then she should refrain from getting him worked up. I am a woman and I would be annoyed with this behaviour over the course of many months. Either keep it a chaste relationship or proceed with the natural progression. I am turned off when a man pressures for sex but if he allows me to take my time, it turns me on - so maybe he was using this kind of psychology with her and it's just not working. Either way, if she's not ready, she should not do it. If he can't deal, then let him go. You should only have sex when both partners are keen on it.
If she's not interested in having sex with him after 4 months of heavy petting - then she's probably not really in love anyway. | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:43:59 PM | Four whole months? Well, its a wonder he hasnt died yet isnt it? because as we all know, four months is a veritable lifetime! Pah!
He told her in the beginning that he waswilling to wait, and now it seems she's went past his 'expected' time frame. She may 'love' him,.. but I think shes being quite sensible,.. theres a reason that shes holding back.. and to assume its because shes wanting him on an emotional leash or is teasing, is just that,.. an assumption.
I fail to see how shes teasing him? i suspect he's kissing her back when she kisses him? i suspect he's hoping each time, this will be it? Should she abstain from any sort of physical contact with him? And why is the onus on her? Why arent people saying he should abstain from kissing and such like, because its getting him into a frustrating situation? Are we still of the belief that poor men cant help themselves or use self control? Why is it her fault?
Both of these people need to talk very frankly about why they're unhappy with each other. he needs to listen to her concerns.. if he feels she's holding this over him,.. then he is free to leave the relationship. She may be very concerned that she'll be played,.. isnt it better for her to wait and make sure she trusts and knows him? that does actually take a little time.. sometimes even longer than four months. But hey, why wait around when you can get third date goodies huh? Pah again! DAx | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:56:32 PM | "She may be very concerned that she'll be played,.. isnt it better for her to wait and make sure she trusts and knows him?"
Most "players" aren't particularly interested in waiting 4 months, and it doesn't sound like he was looking for "third date goodies", or at least I sure hope they're *way* past three dates in 4 months (most 'normal' people would see it as a lack of interest if not). So to me it boils down to, if she doesn't trust him after 4 months, why not?? I mean, you're dating someone for 4 months (would *you* still be dating someone after 4 months if you didn't think you could trust them???), engaging in "heavy kissing and petting", and you still aren't sure if you trust them... well, I'm thinking she probably as pretty major trust issues if thats the case. Maybe she's been "burned" in the past - yeah, well, I have too, but I know that love is *always* a risk, you are handing a piece of your heart over to someone... but the only other choice is to not love, to never take that risk, to continually live in the "fear of what might happen". Not particularly healthy.
"Both of these people need to talk very frankly about why they're unhappy with each other."
Now *that* I agree with 100%, and that has me seriously doubting whether either one of them truely "loves" the other, if they can't/haven't had that conversation - an open and honest discussion of their own desires, their fears, etc. Because if there is that much of a lack of trust on her part, and that much of a breakdown in his feelings for her on his part, that the relationship is at the point its at - something is *seriously* wrong in their communication.
edit: VVV - agreed crane_man, I'm guessing the relationship is over even if they *do* have sex at this point... sounds way to wrong to be "fixable". | |
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| If you truly loved your g/f would you dump her for not putting out?
Posted: 10/27/2007 6:58:19 PM | | Feelings can change and maybe all the rejection is putting a damper on his self esteem. Maybe he didn't think that sex would take so long to develop when he made the first comments, when the relationship started. This one though will likely end very soon, even if she does have sex with him. | |
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