| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:33:45 PM | Please don't delete this message. I need some advice from people on here and I know I may not like what some of them but have to say but I really need help. I guess I will start that I never thought this would happen to me, but it has and I care for the guy very much and he is just saying things and making me more depressed and playing with mind.
I meant him on here over a year ago and have been seeing him since then. I really fell for him. He never asks me out, what he does is call Friday or Saturday, whatever time and ask me if I would like to come over and see a movie. We would have some drinks but of course he drank until he was out of it.  Of course I jump and go, I never said no. In the beginning things were okay, maybe I didn't see what was going on. I am a very giving person and this person doesn't have alot of money so I have helped and got things for him when I was out and saw them. I even gave him some money one time, stupid mistake. But I felt bad for him. His life is a financial mess. So since Aug. of last year I have been seeing him. He has never taken me out anywhere NO WHERE and never gave me anything expect a flashlight. I liked him so much I over looked everything about him. I don't know why I did that because that is not like me. I am a giving person but never have I let someone treat me this way. He has me pick things up for him on my way over there and never pays me. He makes fun of my job, medical condition, weight and I try to defend myself instead of just saying F*** you I am out of here. 
Everytime I need to talk with him about something that is bothering me he never has time, he is just not there for me. But I have sat and listened many hours about his life the same thing over and over. On top of this he is a very heavy drinker and smoker, my friends are shocked that I am seeing him. I have spend many nights taking care of him. I told them there is something about him, I am in love with the wrong guy and need to get out of it, but don't want too. Everyone that knows me that he is never gong to change and it is not going to work. What is wrong with me that I think a miracle will happen. Yes we have had sex and sometimes he acts like he cares and I have stayed there with him because he didn't want to be alone. But he told me he doesn't want a relationship, he gets me so confused on what is going on. I am really ashamed of myself for letting this man have such a hold on me. I am afraid to ask him a question that he is going to go off on me. 
I was married for 17 yrs. so this dating thing is something new to me. I have been divorced now 12yrs., and this is the first guy that I have really fallen for, what a winner! He has no respect for me, if I am crying when I call him he makes fun of me and starts making crying sounds. Like the night I got in a car accident and called him. I left a message on his recorder, I guess he just didn't want to hear about it. He only likes to hear about positive things. He is not a bad looking man, but he always tells me that I am hooked on him because he is so cute and will come back. I don't go out with anyone else..because we made a deal that we were going to see only each other, until he meet someone else. That really make me feel good. 
But why am I taking this abuse. He calls and I run and he knows I will. I have to stop seeing him, I have been trying too. I told him on the phone that I couldn't be his friend no longer, but it is like he never hears what I am saying. Its always about him, he has a very high ego of himself, he is never wrong. He has told me things when he was drunk and then told me I was making them up. I suffer from depression and feel like I am losing my mind, the games. I am trying not to answer his calls, but I want too so bad, I miss him. I just cannot believe he is like this and keep hoping he will change. OMG will this ever end and I find a nice guy or are there any out there. I know some of you have been in this situation and that is why I am finally putting this on here, even though I am ashamed.  P.S. the worst thing he is 40!
I need to  away! Before something physical happens. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:40:20 PM |
I need to away!
First off, you *know* what you should do, you said it right there.
Questioning "why" is something you can do afterwards, when you are away from this guy that sounds like he is crushing your self-esteem like he's probably crushing beer cans on his forehead.
The answers as to "why" you are staying will probably come to you after you leave, when you get away from his influence and can take a step back and *really* look at it from an objective standpoint, rather than from the standpoint of someone involved in it at the time. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:40:37 PM | You've been looking and contacting men for dating here now for over a month at least, while you're in love with some-one?
Sounds like you need PROFESSIONAL help to help you understand your emotional needs.
-help you're not likely to find on the forums.
Good Luck OP. | |
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.Lisa
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Joined: 8/25/2007
Msg: 4 | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:48:18 PM | I would tell you to run. But I'm sure you're old enough to see the truth.
Fact of the matter is you won't see how bad things really are until you're gone and are looking back in hindsight. The door is right there for you to leave. I'd take it if I were you.
You need distance, from him, from your desires toward him, from everything. Give yourself time, put distance between you and this situation to see how bad it really is.
You know what to do. I just hope you do it.
Bonne Chance. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:52:36 PM | If your friends are telling you to get out and your head is telling you the same I really don't know what I can say that will drive it home for you. I will try.
Being alone with your own thoughts is far more fantastic that the life you have right now. You are addicted to the excitement the relationship creates. You are so busy reacting to him that you are hiding from your own life. Choose to grab the reigns of your own life.
Place things in your life to replace the rush you get from being with him. Find things that used to make you really happy, not distracted and miserable like you are now, put them back in to your life.
It is more about how you don't view yourself as worthy on some level than how special he is when he has "nice moments". Get some professional help to get out of this rut and stay out. Sometimes it is difficult without some catalyst and we are not always good at getting things going on our own.
If you don't make the choice... down the road a choice will be made for you.
Good luck :angel
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:55:32 PM | | You deserve so much better than this-and I know that is easy to say-and really hard to get over someone-but think about all the crap you have been taking from this jerk-he is a loser,and you can't fix him--build yourself up and know that this is a losing deal for you--it will only get worse--Im in the same place right now but I am seeing the real person, not who I wanted him to be--so much put into a relationship and nothing back--thats not how its supposed to be--don't talk to him-call him-see him---you will get thru this--and be stronger-it will be a little tough, but you will look back and see it...good luck sweetie--- | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:55:41 PM | Sasquatch2
No I come on here and talk with friends of mine, I don't feel I have to give up talking with my friends. I am not looking to date anyone. Plus I like to go into the forums like many people do. But you are right, I will not get help on here. Thanks | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 7:58:01 PM | | You MUST get out of this relationship. You are being used and abused. The best barometer in any relationship is to stay true to yourself by always checking in with yourself and how you feel when you are with him. Real love DOES NOT hurt and it appears that this is what this man is doing to you. There are so many issues in your post that need addressing. If I were you, I would print this post and take it to someone with the qualifications who can help you sort out this situation and get you back on track so you can find a guy who will treat as you deserved to be treated (with respect and caring). If you leave this situation, in time you will have the perspective you need to see that you did the right thing. Please take care of yourself and do the right thing ! | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:19:25 PM | Your pain & desperation is so obvious in your post, & I'm sorry you're going thru this. No one deserves this kind of abuse & emotional neglect.
But you got lucky - one of the first respondents hit it on the head. First get out & get better, then you can worry about why. Theres a whole big section in Barnes & Noble of books about why we make such crummy, self-destructive choices in relationships. You can read each & every one & be no better off whatsoever unless you DO SOMETHING.
When you say you "suffer from depression" do you mean you've been diagnosed & are under treatment or taking medication? If you have been diagnosed & you're not addressing it, do that. Immediately, tomorrow if possible!
Though it's not the perfect answer for everyone, a lot of people have gotten great results from talk therapy, particularly if you go to someone who can help you figure out how you got to this place. They can give you emotional support, provide a safe space to explore your feelings, help you recognize patterns you may not be seeing, give you tools & techniques for coping, & lots more. It can take some time, & you don't always find the therapist that's right for you on the first try. But often help like this is available for free through the state or county or some therapists charge on a sliding scale.
You know exactly what you need to do, you just needed to hear it from outside your own head. Go do it. Please. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:36:24 PM | Take that time to look inside of you.
When you get stronger, you will see that you do not need anybody except yourself.
Time to stop and reflect, not the time to be a humanitarian when it is obvious you do not have the resources to be one. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:47:09 PM | | OPIE ..I found myself in a similar situation and took me a long time to figure out I was being used.....by your actions you are in fact teaching him how to treat you by jumping everytime he calls....I'm gonna quote a line from sex in the city that stayed in my head...""MEN ARE LIKE TAXIS. WHEN THEY ARE READY, THE LIGHT IS ON. IF THEY'RE NOT, YOU ARE JUST A STOP ALONG THE WAY."" This guy is obviously emotionally unavailable, not ready for any kind of relationship and I hate to say it , but you are that stop along the way.....is that what you want to be? Think about it...took me a while to figure it out, but when i did...I decided I wanted to be the one he calls because he wants to be with me, not because I'm convenient and an extra fare he can pick up.....good luck..I hope you do some serious soul searching on this one | |
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.Lisa
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Joined: 8/25/2007
Msg: 16 | |
| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:52:42 PM |
Take that time to look inside of you.
When you get stronger, you will see that you do not need anybody except yourself.
Time to stop and reflect, not the time to be a humanitarian when it is obvious you do not have the resources to be one.
THANK YOU
couldn't of said it better myself  | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:21:44 PM | OP.... NO ONE will respond here and encourage you to stay. ( barring sarcasm and someone who just want to prove me wrong). Get Out. Quit. Run. Leave Him. Move and leave no forwarding address..... pick one, pick them all. But do it today.
10 million frustrated single people on POF can't all be wrong! | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:24:18 PM | Gosh OP...your post is heartwrenching to me. I understand what you are going through because I have experienced a situation kind of like this in the past.
You already know the answer. You must be true to yourself. I know it isn't easy to do, but it's time to walk away and not look back. You don't deserve the kind of treatment you are receiving from this man. He will not change. Do not continue to believe that he might. He won't!!! You are worthy and deserving of SO much more than he is giving you. He is either completely using you because you let him or he is so utterly selfish and self-absorbed that he doesn't recognize what all he is doing and how he makes you feel. I believe it is both. Not to mention the heavy drinking only adds fuel to the fire.
I was always the "giver" in my situation and it took me a long time to realize it. I think it was because I considered him a friend. Once I do that...I give what I want without expecting anything in return. By having that mindset I realized I overlooked a lot of things that simply just were not right. Then one day he didn't show or express much care or concern about me, during a time that he really should have in my opinion. That's when it hit me...that he simply did not value me or appreciate me the way I did him. I was not important enough. It hurt like hell because I thought he cared for me. I made excuses in my mind for everything he was lacking. Why? I have no idea. I am just glad that I realized it and stopped it.
Take a deep breath and walk away with your dignity intact. To try and understand why this man acts the way he does or to believe that you have the infinite power to change someone or a situation that is so far beyond the realm of comprehension is futile. Save yourself some heartache and let go. Make your decision and stick to it. You will be tempted to run back. Don't! He will try and persuade you to come back because he was getting everything from this relationship without putting forth any effort. He will try to convince you he has changed or will change. Don't buy into it. It will only be a band-aid fix.
Be strong and recognize that you deserve better. Lots better. Now...go kick him to the curb!!! | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:32:01 PM | If you are a giving, sweet person -who also lacks self-esteem for some reason - you are such a target for such a loser as the "male" you have described.
Being alone is not a bad thing .... especially when the alternative is to let yourself be used & abused by some a$$hole like him. You obviously are not feeling good about yourself or your situation, and I think YOU KNOW what it is you need to do about it...
It sounds like you have alot to offer a man who is deserving ... so save it for such a man - and don't settle for any less! And, instead of waiting to meet a "nice guy" to save you ... learn to love yourself and be happy on your own FIRST! | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:34:54 PM | I have to agree with Sasquatch on this one--you are not going to find too much empathy in these forums. If you are a woman (or anyone for that matter) who has issues with self-esteem and is feeling vulnerable, you are more likely to take a sh!t-kicking here (pardon my French).
Years ago I was a student counselor for abused women and women with low self-esteem. Most cities have excellent resources to provide the humanity and counselling you need. Briefly though, most women we saw came for help when they got tired of being sick and tired.
Good luck to you. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:35:21 PM | I think you two are just not right for each other…that don’t mean he is a bad person despite all the negative you shared about him. There is no click here except one “needy’ and one “desperate” haha.
Uproot, go find yourself a man that will return your love, affection and kindness. You are settling for less because you think he will do and will try and make it work. True love, you don’t have to force all that, it naturally meets your need. Don’t waste ya time here with this guy. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:45:05 PM | ExNavyWave...
Go back and read your original post...every word. Now...imagine it was written by someone else...what would you think of that man...what would you think of the woman putting up with it? Think about what your advice would be if it was YOU in the situation...and act on it. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:48:00 PM | Not to sound disrespectful, but this sounds like the typical woman whose husband beats the mess out of her. Then she calls the police, they haul his butt to jail. Friends and family encircle this battered woman and put her on the path of righteousness and then she goes and bails him out of jail and goes right back to the same old stuff.
Obviously, you haven't met the right person yet. Pick yourself up and leave and don't look back. This man is using psychological warfare on you. You were in the military. Use your head.
I talked to the preacher of my church when my soon to be ex told me she was leaving me. He said and I quote "I'm not going to be shoulder to cry on, you don't need that What you need is unsugar coated advice". That is what he gave me. It didn't go down good but it was good advice. I think some other people call it " tough love". Maybe you need to apply it to yourself. As long as you keep going back for more punishment, this guy will keep dealing it out. This is just my observation, for what it's worth. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:53:32 PM | He is using you and you are too good for him. He is obviously narcissistic..... they take and take and can never think or put another person before themselves. They have to put you down to make them feel superior. He will continue to do this to you until there is nothing left inside of you! You need to just end it. Name one thing he does for YOU. Every time he calls, don't answer. If you feel compelled to answer, ask yourself...... what does or has he done for me that I would want to talk to him? When you answer....... nothing, you won't want to pick up that phone.
Unless you like self abuse....... meaning you are abusing yourself by keep going back over to him, you know what you need to do.
You are afraid of being alone and feel you aren't worthy of a better man is why you stay. But you are, and you need to keep telling yourself that. | |
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