| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:43:40 PM | | I have a good friend who is involved with someone , and has been for about 3 monthes , they met on a chatline , met the very next day . They see eachother every day ,Over and over I hear her call me crying about how he calls her names , calls her friends names , telling her she spends too much time with me , when he should be the one with her , she's came around me with bruised up severly in the arms , legs and other places , swearing that he never lay a hand on her . She say's she tried breaking up with him many times but he won't "allow" it to happen because they are going to get married one day. I don't know what to do . It's like , she is genuinely scared. She said she loves him but can't live like this . What should I do as a friend . Or what should she do ? He's threatened me with violence all the time . and he is a well known person so it'd be hard to convince if I pressed charges. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:31:50 PM | | Document everything-extremely important. You are going to have to show to the police/courts (hopefully it won't get to that point) evidence to prove your case. Perhaps talking to the police would be a good first step or maybe a drop in women's counselling centre or something similiar could provide information and support (and maybe the location of the nearest women's shelter). Good Luck, I wouldn't hesitate on this as it sounds like time is of the essence. Be there for your friend as much as you can-she needs you. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:47:56 PM | | just stay out of it.....your friend is a grown up and when she is ready, she will do it on her own her own way...you cant help someone thats not ready to be helped. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:58:11 PM | | Tape him. Get a cam corder. Take pics of her bruises and have a date/time stamp automatically attached. If someone is full of themselves enough to actually make the threats verbal, then the next step is actually doing it - and you already know he's got no problem saying it. Keep a record of everything. Call the cops. That's what they're there for. They will also be able to direct the lady to places that may be able to assist her therapy wise to get the hell away from him - because she DOES need help. Don't take his bullying. And tell your friend that she does need to make a stand- does she really think this problem will go away on its own? But have her get therapy/help - if she refuses to, then you don't have much choice left. I'd still turn him in for making threats against yourself though (if you've got them taped) - then maybe she'll see the light........ | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:10:42 PM | The police, for the most part, can only put people in jail when they commit a crime... including murder... in which case, it would be too late for the victim. Do you smell what I'm cooking?!
Tell your friend you will talk to her when her boyfriend is out of her life, has a restraining order, or is in jail. Firstly, this is her responsibility. Secondly, you set the proper example for her by getting away from this wife beater.
If someone has threatened you with bodily harm, chances are, you are in great danger. What are you supposed to do when in danger? However, I would also look into a restraining order since you have been threatened. You don't need much evidence, do it now.
To those who will say it's not fair... life is not fair. Always go on your intuition... it is there to protect you. Run Forrest, run. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:19:33 PM | Um.... charge him regardless. Its a cliche.. but if you let it just happen, then you are allowing more people to be hurt/threatened. You said he threatened you, that's illegal, regardless of 'who he is'.
No friend, lover, mate is worth your safety. I would agree with the previous post to myob if your friend refused to press charges.. but he has involved you already. You let it happen, and you're just agreeing with him that you don't deserve respect.
P.s. I have been a similar situation before, and I have never regretted pressing charges, and later found out that my charges DID affect his sentence when he (inevitably) caused trouble again in the future. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:26:56 PM | Ahhhh, teach her the meaning the words "self-esteem". You break up with them by not answering the phone, email, door, etc.. And if they persist, you get a court order requiring they stay a minimum distance away.
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:27:09 PM | | What kind of "well known person" is he? What does he do? If he is well known, sounds like you might actually be in a better position... the media loves scandal and people in power... sounds like he has more to loose. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:36:58 PM | Press charges on him, or at the least file a restraining order. It will weaken his case when he gets in trouble again (which is just a matter of time)...plus if something (God forbid) happens to you they know who is a suspect.
Like a previous poster said, go to a battered womans shelter, and get counseling on what to do in this situation. Make sure you make protecting yourself your first priority. This guy sounds like a complete nutcase, just stay away from him! Your friend can leave whenever she wants, but instead is chosing to drag you into this. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:38:10 PM | ~OP~ Oh dear. Enough is NOW. I met what seemed like a good guy on another site, second phone call in, he had me in tears. I have no clue how that button got pushed so quickly, but I knew right then, not a good thing. He actually kept emailing me like it was just OK. Click/delete/block was his answer. I'm sorry for your friend, but controllers are controllers ~ you can't fix those types. Sorry to say. I wish her better luck next time.  | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:46:10 PM | | This is a classic.I used to work at a shelter for abused women, and really there isn't much that can be done on your part aside from giving her information on various shelters in the area.If and when she is ready to leave, have her put her things in storage, and go to a shelter. Women's shelter are secure and confidential. HAve her find a new place to live, and do not let her boyfriend know where she is living once she moves. Also, get a restraining order (which generally involves charging the boyfriend with assault), and give a picture of the guy to her employer and let the employer know that the police are to be contacted if he comes on the propery as there is a restraining order in place.Also, change phone numbers, make sure you have caller id, and keep an unlisted number. Remeber that it is important to avoid places you know he hangs out. Tell your friend that you are there for her no matter what.Normalize her feelings by letting her know she is not alone,and many women go through this. It's hard forsomeone toleave when they love the other person, and let her know you understand that. Alsolet her know that you are there to help her out in any way possible. But do not get into the middle of it as it may cause harm to you. Keepyourself safe. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:54:13 PM | [she's came around me with bruised up severly in the arms , legs and other places[/]
That is enough, "enough is enough", what more do you want, casualty? Come on, heaps of red flags there already and no it is not because they just met the following day and not enough time to learn more about this abusive and controlling man. Traditional dating, if a person wants to ask you out they do it on the spot, right? The proble here with your friend she just met a bad one...better she get rid of him
Can someone show me how to do the quote thingy please | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 12:10:34 AM | The next step in the scenario, which is already in train, is her being isolated from her friends and family. That is what this guy's threat to you was about - it is part of an encircling/isolation technique. You back off - he has had another win. This guy is a menace to the community - and yes it would not be the first time a well known person has an ugly private side. Believe me, he has a past and it will out. Take care to protect yourself, maybe have a male relative stay with you for a while if possible.
What ever happens - she needs you, how ever she tries to distance herself - in response to his threats to her - she needs you now more than ever. Breaking contact even if for a weekend will be crucial - rope in help if you can, show a solid front and try your darndest to get her away for a weekend, with another girlfriend or family member coming as well.
Shame, guilt, feeling like somehow she has set him off - are all part of the elements at play in this. Even girls from nice homes, originally with good self esteem - have still been known to be snared by professional predators such as this.
The other posts have all been good, even your diary records can also be used in evidence, as can hers (if he is actually letting her keep a diary). Your girlfriend will need reminding that she still has her own identity - this is being subjugated and worn down right now. This is part of a deliberate dehumansing process - remind her constantly of her choices, what she likes, recall memories of happier times. Any time your friend will try to make the smallest of assertion or affirmation of herself - a man like this will see this as a threat - for a demo - check what his reaction would be to her getting a haircut or buying a new outfit - a guy like that will go ballistic.
Remember this is the cycle, does bad, apologises/promises - goes all out to "make up for it", then because of some issue that is "beyond his control" he lashes out again. What the victim feels in this, is that she is "strong enough" to cope, that if she could only just "be better" it would be OK, she thinks she is somehow "helping him". You need to argue against these points and remind her she will be a mother someday...
If you predict a behaviour and then he does it - you have made an indisputable point that will sink in, particularly as I suggest about the likely response to a diary, haircut or being out of communication for a while - you will have a made a point she will remember. The two of you should also formulate an escape plan that includes cash/keys/women's refuge number/police/ aerosol spray can etc - you may need to have a plan yourself, better to have a plan and not need it - than to not have a plan at all. She is going to need to include a new town in her plan, preferably with relatives too.
I do not have a background in women's domestic violence issues, but safety is your first concern, yours and hers. You need the help of professionals and a united front in this to help her realise - there is a way out - she feels trapped, scared and helpless right now - that is how the whole ugly business works. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:21:36 AM | This is actually called assault...which is defined by the law as placing a person in the fear of harm...
battery (legally defined) is actually carrying through on the threats.
She already has the legal right to press charges; and, she is a fool if she does not. Nobody (male or female) should allow anyone to threaten or harm them...She is a fool if she does not do something soon. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:32:22 AM | Does she have kids?
If so - you need to ask her, flat out, if this is what she wants for her kids. Does she want them growing up - AT THE LEAST - watching mommy be abused, physically, emotionally and/or verbally? At the WORST - watching mommy be murdered or be abused/murdered themselves because mommy wasn't smart enough or strong enough to walk away from an abuser?
If she can't walk away from him for herself or her children, then you need to step in and notify C&Y to protect her children. If she is willing to be abused by this guy, then that's HER choice - her children (if there are any) deserve to be protected.
I'm sorry you are witness to this situation. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:48:10 AM |
just stay out of it..... .....This is the silliest advice to date.
Your her friend, she's allegedly being abused, and you are being threatened, so it makes it your business now.
Are there any children involved in this mess? Please tell me 'no'.
This guy is manipulative and controlling, and very much a loose unit. Unfortunately she won't listen to your advice, as I have a friend in a similar situation only she was threatened with anal rape. She was so petrified of this man who 'loved' her that she literally peed on the floor. This guy stood in front of her with an erection when he realized how scared she was.
It's disgusting that this guy who claims to love your friend would mentally and physically harm her. The guy needs professional help. Do you have a 'helpline' where you are? You can call anonymously. You do need to step in and and report this guy before your girlfriend becomes another statistic. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:14:11 AM |
The next step in the scenario, which is already in train, is her being isolated from her friends and family. That is what this guy's threat to you was about - it is part of an encircling/isolation technique. You back off - he has had another win. This guy is a menace to the community - and yes it would not be the first time a well known person has an ugly private side. Believe me, he has a past and it will out. Take care to protect yourself, maybe have a male relative stay with you for a while if possible.
Very astute, and accurate, quicksilver - classic abuser behavior, sucking the person in, isolating them from friends/family, to where they feel they have "no other choice".
She needs out of it, asap. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:20:35 AM | Three months OP. that's over 90 days, If anyone puts up with this type of behavior for that long it probably reflects a symptom of some problem in her life as well.
I would put money on the bet that this is a pattern of her life, certain types of women attract these types of guys...
But all that aside, it really has gotten to the point of your personal involvement- and now a borderline legal issue, why do you involve yourself with someone who drags this type of drama into your life?
Maybe you just enjoy the vicarious involvement, up to a certain point- then the soap opera got too personal and now you notice?? something doesn't pass the sniff test... | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:21:13 AM |
she's came around me with bruised up severly in the arms , legs and other places ,swearing that he never lay a hand on her .
What should I do as a friend . Or what should she do ? He's threatened me with violence all the time .
You have already gotten some great advice! I have found myself in this position only to see my friend go back to her abuser.You can't help her unless she really wants to be helped!
I would put money on the bet that this is a pattern of her life, certain types
of women attract these types of guys...
Violence only happens to certain types of women?.... Bullpuckey!!!
FACT: Battering can happen to anyone. Battered women are of all ages, races, classes,
backgrounds, abilities, education levels, religions, and sexual orientations.
You are making the victim responsible for her partner's abusive actions.
When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner it is always part of a larger
pattern to try to control her/him. | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:43:42 AM | These are the modern times, men can be abused as well as women, it's just not as trendy to admit it... doesn't have to be only physical abuse to be abuse...
Man's inhumanity and disrespect for man is not limited to men only... | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 11:38:47 AM | File a report with the police, even if you don't press charges. Document every conversation or incident as others have suggested. You can't force your friend to go to the police, but you can certainly leave a trail for the police to follow up on if things begin to escallate (which they will!). Abuse should never be tolerated no matter how sorry the person is or how much they are loved.
Sometimes tough love requires making the person we love responsible for their actions (or inactions since your friend isn't doing anything to protect herself or her friends).
No matter what you do, there will be consequences and you could end up loosing your friend over this. But to stand by and watch it happen without taking a stand is the same as condoning it. If we don't take a stand against the wrong things in the world then who will? What would your reaction be if this was your daughter or mother? | |
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| When does it finally get to enough is enough?
Posted: 10/29/2007 2:31:25 PM | If your friend met this monster through here - chances are he is reading these posts. My sister suffered DV and I didn't know it at the time as she was in another city, she was also being drugged. She ended up going into a full nervous breakdown and a series of schizophrenic episodes - that took years to recover from. My aunty survived 25yrs of abuse to the extent that she had to have her jaw wired at one stage - the dynamics of DV are complex. It is a world we hope ourselves to never fully understand.
I have found volatile people are a great deal more sensitive around full moon, to stay ahead of this guy's game plan - you need to step into a mindset of control, to predict what his moves are likely to be. Fight for your friend , because she is worth it as a human being and because a monster deserves the effect of the law - not a win.
Talk also to some clergy - the nutcase clergy that say to turn the other cheek and forgive - are thankfully almost extinct these days - but talk to one who has a good head on his shoulders - they are educated and more well connected than you first think. A minister worth his salt will give you some workable solutions - that is another reason for having them in the first place. You are both in my prayers today.
To those of you who think educated, smart & strong women or men - don't get abused - think again. Predisposing factors include: being religious, having abusive or non-supportive family, being overly caring for others, illness, shock, grief from other life events. Financial vulnerability, drug & alcohol issues, the prediposing factors are many. Being on the wrong end of someone else's aggression and problems does not make a person stupid - it makes them frightened and less able to think rationally.
Mind altering techniques include sleep deprivation, malnutrition, physical assault, questioning of beliefs & values, repetition of statements that put you down and make you believe you are worthless, unloveable, ugly and stupid, isolation, crazy making - (eg don't you remember this xyz - when it is just made up, black is white type statements). The effects of these are deep - I am a survivor of this, it takes a long, long time to recover from. Give her written and verbal affirmations of self worth - to fight this.
Break the contact and you break the cycle. | |
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