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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 11/1/2007 11:54:35 AM | Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Husband and wife find joy living apart — together
By Judith Newman
Self
updated 8:46 a.m. CT, Thurs., Nov. 1, 2007
My husband and I have been married for 14 years, and we’ve never lived together. Unbeknownst to us, demographers have devised a name for our arrangement: living apart together, which refers to married couples living separately. According to 2006 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 3.8 million married couples who don’t reside under the same roof. But even without statistics behind us, John and I figure we’re in good company. Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived apart, as did Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. (Interestingly, the latter couple were never married but chose to be buried next to each other in the same tiny plot. Maybe once they didn’t have to share a bathroom, occupying the same space for eternity was OK.)
In the beginning, my line about our arrangement was that we were very Woody and Mia … but then a few things happened to make that quip seem not so funny. After we’d been married for eight years and we’d had our twin boys, Henry and Gus, I told people something a bit closer to the truth: Marriage and kids are one thing, but living together? Don’t rush me.
In fact, there are many practical reasons we keep separate apartments. First, we live in New York City, land of wildly expensive real estate and no space. Neither of our places costs much. Mine is small; his is rent stabilized, meaning it is too cheap, by New York standards, to give up. Plus, most of John’s apartment is taken up by his two pianos. (He’s a former opera singer.) If we had moved in together, we’d have had to spend a big wad of money on something larger, money that we didn’t have. When our boys were born and I did have more money, I expanded my apartment to include the one above me. But it was still not big enough for one piano, let alone two. And, second, neither of us likes change. I mean, we really, really don’t like change. Third, I love my downtown neighborhood; he loves his uptown digs. Why should we rock the boat?
Nothing in common
Which brings me to a far more compelling reason for our living separately: John and I have nothing in common except that we love each other and our sons. (We also share an antipathy for team sports and shellfish, a solid foundation for lifelong commitment if there ever was one.) But as far as our living habits go, we could not be farther apart. I think this situation is true for many married couples; they simply won’t admit it.
John’s apartment is a den of gloom: Jacobean furniture; ancient, loudly ticking timepieces; worn Persian carpets. I find it downright creepy; I’m convinced it harbors a ghost. John is convinced, too, the difference being that he enjoys his ghost. My apartment is light and airy, a slice of the Caribbean, or it would be if I hadn’t listened to John’s advice when I was installing new floors (dark oak). When I’m not writing, I crave noise and action, both in plentiful supply with our 6-year-olds. My life soundtrack is Joni Mitchell, James Taylor and The Roches, all of whom my husband refers to as “those bloody caterwauling idiots.” John needs either complete silence in his home or Wagner. Small children don’t allow for silence, and Wagner used to make the twins sob.
My husband is fastidious. I am the kind of person who, if I notice Cheerios on the floor (which I usually don’t), generally feels confident that someone — the children, a mouse, the dog — will come along and eat them, thus saving me the bother of cleaning them up. John can’t stand my obliviousness to mess, so he likes to set traps for me. The other day, next to my desk, there was a wad of dog hair the size of a basketball. It was impressive, if a little startling. “I wanted to see how long it took you to notice,” John said. “When I began, it was about the size of a marble. Every time I brushed the dog, I added to it.” Apparently, the hair ball had been there for two months, so you can imagine what else escapes my attention. If I had funds for a live-in housekeeper with obsessive-compulsive disorder, maybe John could move in. But frankly, if I want to hear a litany of complaints about what a pain in the ass I am, I don’t need him telling me; I only have to tune in to the voice in my own head.
When we had the children, of course, living separately became dicier. Friends said John and I would simply have to live together; after all, what would the kids think? I understand that when Henry and Gus are older, we’ll have some explaining to do. (“No, we’re not divorced, and, yes, the arrangement is weird.”) Until then, what they know is that sometimes, when they jump on my head at 6 a.m., the bitterly complaining lump on the other side of the bed is their father, who stays over three nights a week or so. And when he’s not there, no one else will be.
Living apart — and loving it
So far, the children don’t seem to think much about it, especially because Dad is always around for dinner and to tuck them in. They talk happily about their uptown and downtown houses. Once, Henry told a friend that his mom and dad didn’t live together. Soon after, I got the Alarmed Call from a mom: “Judith, is everything … all right?” You could hear the anxiety, tinged with interest, in her voice: Those people are divorcing; he already has his own apartment! How soon before she’ll be blowing her kids’ college savings on liposuction and a face-lift?
I was bugged, yet amused. Clearly, she was making the same assumption that everyone does, which is that a married couple who do not cohabitate must not be happy or ever have sex. Another fun interpretation is that we must have lots of sex, only not with each other. The notion that two people can live apart and still be in a traditional marriage, neither celibate nor throwing key parties, seems to make folks’ head explode. To which I can only reply, in my own head, “That’s logical. We have separate places, so we must never have sex. Because as everyone knows, the thing that makes for a hot sex life is proximity.”
Yet another misconception held by those who find our setup peculiar is that a person can only be as faithful as her opportunities, so when John isn’t around, I must be entertaining myself somehow (or he himself). Now I admit I’ve lusted not only in my heart but in parts farther south, but these temptations are moderated by the thought, lodged in my heart, of someone waiting for me at home, scowling lovingly.
Some people suspect that John has a commitment problem. He lost his beloved second wife of 20 years to cancer. (I’m number three.) Does he now have some deep fear of abandonment, they wonder, which he deals with by keeping me at arm’s length? Do I, an only child, have a problem with sharing? Or do we just not care enough about each other to want to be entangled?
Entangled lives
Yet our lives are entangled, hopelessly, irrevocably and, for the most part, happily. To us, living together in the same physical space has nothing to do with living in the same emotional space. In my more hippie-granola moments, I like to think that there is a certain purity to our arrangement. I am married simply because I happen to love the guy.
Not that I never get angry, especially because I’m usually the one rushing around in the morning trying to get our boys off to school. (“Quack! Quack! Mr. Duck wants you to eat your cereal and put on your pants!” For this, I got an Ivy League education?) Indeed, there have been moments of fury: When I’m on vomit patrol by myself, or when Henry wakes me at 3 a.m. to ask, “Why do we have knees?” Yet we have something many kids with dads in residence often don’t: a father who is there for dinner, who will leave for his place only after he hears the boys snoring. He loves and worries about all of us. And he agreed to take on the burden of children in his late 60s; the least I can do is let him get a good night’s rest.
Truthfully, I can’t fathom why any couple would want to live together. It’s not as if most people feel more intimate when they share a space. (There’s a reason the courtship days are the giddiest time — that reason involves not knowing every nasty detail about each other.) I’ve never walked in on John in the bathroom. He has never clipped his toenails in bed. If you live apart from someone and trust him, you have intimacy without that incestuous feeling that comes from too much information, which can lead couples to stop having sex.
I won’t go so far as to say that our arrangement has brought us closer. John and I fight as much as, and perhaps more than, the average couple. But living apart has allowed us to stay married and remain in love. We do find each other essential; it’s just that, like many couples, we find each other deeply annoying, too. The only difference with us is that sometimes we can breathe a deep sigh of relief at the end of the day and say: I love you, honey; now get the hell out of here!
And on certain afternoons, when the children are with the babysitter, I make my way uptown, where John is waiting for me. The lights are low, and there are beverages at the ready (single malt for him, white wine for me — seriously, we have nothing in common). I look forward to these afternoons when it’s only me and the guy I fell in love with 16 years ago, afternoons that would be tough to savor if we lived together. And the best part? Afterward, when he gets frustrated that I’ve strewn clothes everywhere, I put them on, kiss him and wave good-bye.
Interesting concept....How about some input from others. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 11/1/2007 12:17:16 PM | | I like your style of living. I agree with 99 percent of what you are saying. It is far easier to love something that you can't ever get sick and tired of. I can say that I love Marilyn Monroe but that is easy to say when I have not had to live with her on a daily basis for many years. The novelty of her face has not worn off nor will it ever wear off! | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 11/1/2007 1:24:24 PM | I thank you for your article. I've been thinking on this topic and how I want "my next relationship" to be (if there is one) and that is exactly what I will do.
I am very happy "spending time with myself" and would love to be "in romance" for the duration of my life. In my menopausal "state" I could not have had a more miserable time as my "partner" whom I lived with had no empathy, patience or understanding, even though he had 2 previous marriages. So, we parted, and my symptoms got better. Dealing with his kids, was even worse. They were not mine to deal with, or scold, so later, it was like "heaven" when we would get together and there was no responsibility just sharing "time together".
I have medical issues, having had a brain tumor surgery 2 years ago, and I have to have "power naps" or quiet reading time" when the world is too much, and I know there are not many "males" that should or would be able to deal with this. Not at our age anyway. So, I've always "likened myself to Katherine Hepburn" and her lifestyle and so "delighted" reading about your lifestyle. I've seen a couple of documentaries on people sharing their lives this way and they are "very happy and always look forward to "their quality time". Somehow, living together really does take the "romance out of things" and compromising isn't in everyone's vocabulary.
Thank you | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 11/4/2007 7:50:10 PM | | I'd consider it. I'd rather have love with someone I cannot stand to live with, than be without it altogether. But I would really rather live with someone if the option is there for me. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 11/11/2007 7:38:54 AM | This article shows that no matter the situation of where two people live that they have a life long committment to each other where most individuals/couples don't these days. This couple have true love and see through each other's whims and work together on what is truly important in their relationship. Really if you look at the situation this one could categorically be placed as to a person having to travel alot with their profession and making it home or spending time with each other as much as possible or necessary to sustain both of their needs to embrace their love of each other and the respect that they have to one another. It works for them and that is what counts.
Would it work for me? Maybe... and then maybe not. It all boils down to how each of ( the two people involved )the relationships want and allow of each other. How committed and secure each individual is within themselves and each other. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/26/2008 2:01:06 PM | The article says they have dinner together and both parents tuck the kids in every night and he sleeps over 3 nights a week. How many married people with kids have sex that often?
(looks arond the house - faux marble columns, antique doors, wood beams, 12 fishtanks, paino, guitars and a saxophone, enough hoseplants to open a green house, computers, art supplies)
Uh, yeah, I can see it frankly. What makes it work for them is they're a quick subway or cab ride away. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/26/2008 10:59:22 PM |
If you're not sharing a bed...why bother sharing anything else?
Spending a few nights a week sleeping in a different bed seems a very small sacrifice if the result is a harmonious marriage. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:43:40 PM | Such a situation could work very nicely for me. Could've worked very nicely for a particular former longterm lover and myself. I often thought of, and brought up, the side-by-side duplex idea but he never took it seriously. Perhaps the most arguable advantage of maintaining a single household for a couple is economic.
I remember saying to him, "Dear, don't you want to grow old together?" His reply was, "We're doing that anyway!" We're still close friends but I decided to terminate the sexual part of the relationship a little over a year ago. I still have hopes of finding a loving and COMMITTED relationship, no matter what roof I live under. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 12:04:39 AM |
After we’d been married for eight years and we’d had our twin boys
And, second, neither of us likes change. I mean, we really, really don’t like change.
I can't be certain since I don't have any, but wouldn't having children, especially twins, be about the biggest change you could possibly have in your life?
I agree with Cocytus on this; why bother? I live alone now; I certainly wouldn't want to continue to live alone if I get married. Personally, I find this arrangement to be a bit bizarre. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 1:18:00 AM | I can absolutely see and understand why this would work for some people very well! And for anyone who's ever had to look long and hard at the cost of living nearly anywhere but most especially someplace like New York (OMG!!! It's amazing that New Yorkers are able to eat AND pay rent, you know?) then it makes a certain kind of sense. I say go with whatever works best for you....I'm sure that someone is going to pipe up and say that your arrangement isn't just a little bit different but it's "Downright unnatural" Or something equally judgmental. However, I for one, think that if you are happy with it, your childrean sound as if they're VERY well-adjusted to this and you still love one another and are faithful....what's the problem? How is it really all that different from those couples in which the husband (or the wife as the case may be these days) is ALWAYS traveling and living in a hotel, while their spouse is "on vomit patrol" alone??? No one expects the spouse whose job requires their absence to change it because it's "unnatural" now, do they?
I've got one little question sort of as an additional alternative. Anyone know a couple who can live together just fine, but couldn't stand to be married to one another. Sooo, after their divorce they continued to share expenses and a home.....but they did NOT share a bedroom or ANY sort of sexual activity. He has his dates and so does she, they each do their own thing and go their separate ways....BUT, if one or the other needs help, they're there just as any good friend would be. Anyone know any "Former Couples" that live like that?? (One of my very good friends is in this sort of arrangement right now and she couldn't be happier.....weird or not, they're best friends and I'm being completely honest that they do NOT sleep together, E-V-E-R!...lol....)
OP thanks for this one. I've read your story before and I still find it just as refreshing as the first time. I'm thrilled that your family thrives in whatever way you've styled it. All that really SHOULD matter is that you're all feeling happy and emotionally healthy and stable. If those things are there along with lots of love, then more power to ya!  | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 1:22:02 AM | | I would consider such a situation to be separation. If your marriage has reached a point where you are happy only when not living with the person you originally chose to marry, then I think it can be regarded as over and finished. People in such situations are better off being more honest with themselves, and ending the marriage so they can sort out their lives and move on, rather than pretending something which no longer exists does exist. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 8:02:12 AM | | This is what I am looking for and would have no problem in this type of arrangement and staying faithful. Now we would need to spend time together,maybe a week or two at her place then then later at my place.It would take trust and communication and consideration for it to work..No games , and you do not even need to be married for this to work,just two mature people commited to each other. In my opinion it would be exciting and in the future when we are older and really need each others help then we could move in together if this is what we want. I guess if you really care about the person it would be kind of hard to leave for a couple weeks but if you have communication and trust it can work out. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 12:06:52 PM | | I'd have to agree if it works for you then go for it. It does seem more of a modern practice. These kind of relationship have gone on for some time. Not as popular. Not very traditional. If you are conditioned with the idea of not living apart while married then buying into it wouldn't be as easy. I'd have to adjust to something like that. But none the less would consider it if love did not come in a neat package the way we expected from childhood. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 12:21:12 PM | My ex and I get along much better now that we are divorced..
She stopped lying and cheating as well as resenting my need to be a free thinker...
She also realized that her boy friends never wanted to support her..
All they ever wanted was a piece of ass. and she was stupid enough to cheat on me to give it to them.. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 2:44:01 PM | My husband and i live apart.
We have been together for 12 years and married for 4. We have a 3 year old daughter. We started living seperately about 7 months ago.
It works very very well. He comes round every afternoon or evening and leaves after our daughter is in bed. He stays all weekend.
To me we have the best of both worlds. We have the love, affection, support and intimacy of being happily married with the added benefit of having our own space . I dont have to pick up after him, cook for him (unless I choose to) or watch him playing his computer games. He doesnt have to listen to me moaning about doing any of those things! When he stays over it is more of an occasion and seems all the more special.
The time we spend is quality time.
I understand that this may not work for everyone and we may well decide in the future to live together again, but for now we are doing what works for us. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 1/27/2008 3:13:04 PM | Having been married, been in live in relationships and spending time in each others places, relationships, I've often thought, a duplex, with a 4 car garage between the units and a door between the garages, would be ideal. No one like the neighbors catching them in their nighties....... 
Besides, it definitely would give the neighbors something to gad about, besides just getting old.  hehehehehe | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 2/7/2008 5:15:32 PM | whisper, i'm a little confused. is this your story? are you judith? or is this an alternative that you found and are sharing?
at any rate. i want to thank you for it. ideally speaking, i would love to be living with my man and rolling into and out of his arms when going to sleep in the evening and upon waking up in the morning. but alas! this appears to be the real world. i am also very different than the man i am dating. but again, not being the age to give birth to small children, i wonder if these two individuals would have married anyways?
to me, the essence is to be loved, to feel you are loved and to be told you are loved. it would imply monogamy and commitment. if it meant that you truly were SO very different, then in an area except nyc (my hometown), another alternative would be to have a big house with divided spaces or a property with a couple of cottages. in nyc, having a rent controlled apartment is a treasure and i understand--AS LONG AS YOU TRULY SEE EACH OTHER A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF THE TIME!
as to marriage w/o having kids and being in the second half of my projected 100 years on this planet, i do think it's practical unless you are very rich to link assets and provide for one another--rather than to just live together and if something were to happen, all these relatives that were never around --suddenly show up to make decisions and force you out of your home "together". but others see this the opposite way--what if something happens to you and you drain their only assets or demand of their time (they p0nder). so why then are you monogamous and is this truly commitment in and of itself?
the latter "vision" to me poses a question about their friendship and their love. this couple seems to have it, but again there are the children. would he always be there for dinner if there were no children? does anyone think s/he would enter into this legally married scenario if you didn't have the children? do you feel you would be in a more secure position if you were married and that would be sufficient reason? well for me, the answer is yes. but i know the man i see would answer no. he still feels his past burns from before meeting me and is set in his ways. yet, he is there for me and my kids most of the time when needed and we are good companions. it's just for me, i would prefer to have a more ideal situation. maybe if forced into living apart, seeing each other at "least" 60-70 percent of the time. actually in my prior marriage, i saw him way less as he travelled internationally for his work--maybe if not, we would have divorced way sooner!!! but in my first marriage we both worked together and lived together. that was truly wonderful in the beginning but alas his untreated alcoholism eventually became a major issue for me when i started to grow and he truly resented that.
life is so complicated. why can't it be simpler? yet, i suppose i made mine complicated by adopting kids, moving across the usa, buying a big old fixer upper, etc. i just did not realize how many people just want to have a low energy life and sit around watching tv or hanging out in their 50's. so, i guess this is just one other alternative and it beats --for me--being alone or screwing around. the latter would be unbearable for me. and i continue to remind myself that "father knows best" was just a tv show. but for those who have solid traditional marriages while still remaining compatible in their 50's--my hat is off to you and know that you are blessed. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 2/8/2008 10:45:14 AM | | i disagree. if you have children, then marriage is in their interests--assuming you are "in relationship" and "monogamous". in this way, they are protected financially and therefore secure in their futures. my question remains, would this "marital" arrangement have even "happpened" if there were no children. i understand that it's long term,but not sure about the marital aspect outside of the financial. you could have two apartments and make one the place you live and the other a place to retreat. but then again, their tastes are so disparate. | |
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| Husband and wife find joy in living apart
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:41:22 PM | I think that guy sounds awesome. I'd move into his creepy, ghosty, Wagnerian apartment with two pianos! 
I used to tell my ex-husband that we needed houses next door to each other. If we had done that, we would still be married. He was a great guy, I just couldnt stand living with him. | |
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