| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:11:17 PM | I know there have been threads before on rebounds, but I am hoping this doesn't get voted for deletion, because I genuinely want some honest opinions and discussion about this.
In basketball, a rebound is potentially a very good thing-a second chance to get the result you want, a chance to take a mistake and turn it around. Some of the best players are so because they're right there to snatch the ball that bounced off the rim and slam it right back through the net, where it belongs.
So why then, does the word "rebound" have such a negative connotation when used in relation to people? Why is it when someone hears " rebound relationship" there's automatically a loud grown, followed by a " don't do it girl" and an "it'll never work?"
Has anyone ever had a POSITIVE outcome from a rebound relationship? Do you think they are inevitably ALL bound to fail? If so, why is that, and if not, in what circumstances will they work? Please discuss. I'd like to hear from both sides of the fence on this one. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:20:57 PM | Yup, they can work. I met my ex-wife while she was in rebound. When I was being compared to her ex and seemed to be filling his void, I had a big talk and explained that she was on rebound. We broke it off and about 7 months later got back together. That turned into a 13 year marriage.
My current g/f is only seperated and isn't yet divorced from a 28 year marriage. As for her, she checked out of the relationship more than a decade ago. I was sure that there would be rebound issues but we've been going strong for 4 months and I don't see any signs of issues.
Edit: I tried to send OP an email on the subject but the mail filter blocked me because of age. If you want more personal info, send me an email and I can reply.
Just one guy's opinion.
J Mac | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:24:11 PM | A rebound from a marriage (especially a long one, with children, etc) would be different from just dating someone and breaking up. For either to work, you need to be over the person that you were with prior to the new person. That means different things to diffrent people. Basically, to be fair to the new person, your heart needs to not be wounded, and you need to be emotionally available. So, you are not mentally hung up on the last love, not in daily contact, not still sleeping with them, or considering a reconciliation, are not crying over them, or thinking about them all of the time(wondering where they are, who they are with, wondering what if I had not done this.....yadayadayada). When all of those things stop, and you are fine alone, and start to realize you want to meet someone new, that you are ok and it's time to get out, then you are ready. Also, if you are ok(truthfully) with your last love being with another person, then that is a very good sign that you have healed.
How that can happen as soon as you separate from a marriage is beyond me, but many people do it. Maybe that means it was a long time coming and they are indifferent, but really, time spent alone is a good thing.
People are generally gunshy of being the first person you date after a divorce, because , it's almost always doomed to fail. Probably because you are learning about yourself and really don't know yet exactly what you want in a new mate, and that is ok. It's ok to know it might not end up serious. We can have quality relationships that teach us about love, where we learn alot about ourselves, and they might not last forever. Don't be too hard on yourself, we are but human. Relax, enjoy yourself, have fun.
I will say from experience, that stressing over the outcome of a new relationship, adds to the possiblity that it won't make it. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:34:11 PM | Sure it will work! ~
until it quits working
like everything else
I stay away from rebounds
too much drama ~ to little laughs
Person needs to clean up first and then
offer yourself. ~ dar | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:35:46 PM | They absolutely do NOT work....my last 3 relationships were with men just out of a marriage....
 and  as fast as you can!!!
No more "Just back on the market" men for me.... | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:48:33 PM |
So why then, does the word "rebound" have such a negative connotation when used in relation to people? Why is it when someone hears " rebound relationship" there's automatically a loud grown, followed by a " don't do it girl" and an "it'll never work?"
Uh maybe because "Rebound" is usually very one sided. It is unfair to lead another person on while nursing your own tattered ego.
Wake up.
Unless you are totally over a past relationship, you dont need to persue anything "serious". | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:57:49 PM | After the drop on Wall Street today, I'm sure hoping for a rebound that works.
I think the reason 'rebound' has such a negative connotation is that in order to have one, something bad had to have happened first. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 4:04:57 PM | A rebound in basketball is getting the "same" thing back and trying again... a rebound in a relationship isn't like rebounding back to your ex... it's just negative in the aspect of being hurt by someone and filling a void that your not ready to really fill... and hurting a new person... I think it can work out... but usually it doesn't... did that make any sense at all... oh well... cheerio  | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 4:08:08 PM | | An ex of mine got marred 4 months afer we broke up. They've been married 3 years. Yes it can work, just not for me. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 4:11:34 PM | It is funny how when I have talked to various people about this topic, the only time the term "rebound" is used is when the relationship didn't work out. Instead of accepting that the person just didn't feel you were right for them, it is much easier to say "it didn't work because they were on the rebound". It is also much easier for someone to use the excuse "I was just on the rebound", instead of saying "you are not the right person for me.
Yes, there are people out there who met after one of them was right out of committed relationship and it has worked out, but they won't use the term "rebound".
I have actually heard psychologists say that the term "rebound" is used by a lot of people as an excuse just to play the field. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 4:11:40 PM | I don't understand why some people don't take a time out from dating and relationships and get in touch with themselves for awhile afterwards. It's a healthy thing to do! I personally don't wish to be with someone newly separated or divorced as I've found that they have a lot of issues that they need to work out. Of course, they could find each other and kvetch about each others exes and lick each other's wounds.
Such a thing happened to an acquaintance of mine. She was dating a guy whose wife had cheated on him and they divorced. After she relocated to join him, he decided to marry the ex-wife of the man who his ex cheated with. There's nothing like a little misery to bring people together. Yikes! | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 4:27:24 PM | The difference between a "rebound relationship" and the "next relationship" is whether the person has healed and handled their stuff from the previous relationship. Raw emotional issues tend to distort our perceptions. Generally, healing and processing takes time, but individuals have different degrees of "stuff" and some were well on the way to processing it before the relationship wound up.
I suspect, but have no proof, successful rebound relationships depend on the person having their issues resolved. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 5:05:56 PM | ItsMargo msg 12:
I suspect, but have no proof, successful rebound relationships depend on the person having their issues resolved.
What issues??? Are we supposed to have them... did I miss something... grrrr I'm always the last to know.... | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 5:33:30 PM | What is a rebound? If you get into a relationship with someone after they have gotten out of one, then many would consider you to be a rebound, but if that relationship does not work out, then isn't the next one simply a rebound from a rebound.
Here some advice that violates the prevalent POF forums attitude that one size fits all and anecdotal and personal experience trumps everything: each person and situation is different and outcomes will vary in each one with no single answer being correct. So, sometimes a rebound relationship will not work and sometimes they will. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 5:58:54 PM |
each person and situation is different and outcomes will vary in each one with no single answer being correct.
krimiariver - you have to much common sense to be posting on here. I have found that many people on here like to "paint everyone with the same brush". It is nice to see someone who does not have that attitude. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:10:07 PM |
How that can happen as soon as you separate from a marriage is beyond me, but many people do it. Maybe that means it was a long time coming and they are indifferent, but really, time spent alone is a good thing.
This happens more often than you think due to the fact that mentally and emotionally the marriage was over long before the person moved. This happened in my case. I wasn't able to move right away until I had my financial ducks in a row.
I have been over my soon to be ex for a VERY long time. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:13:01 PM | Thanks for all your responses, this is the kind of discussion I was looking for! To respond to some of you:
Edit: I tried to send OP an email on the subject but the mail filter blocked me because of age. If you want more personal info, send me an email and I can reply.
Thanks, J Mac, but I prefer to keep the discussion here in the forum. I have my message restrictions as such for a reason and I am not going to change them to just allow in one message, then I'll be flooded by undesirable messages like I was before. I do appreciate your insight though.
I will say from experience, that stressing over the outcome of a new relationship, adds to the possiblity that it won't make it. Yes, got mail, I agree with that completely...and that tends to be a recurring theme with me.
Uh maybe because "Rebound" is usually very one sided. It is unfair to lead another person on while nursing your own tattered ego.
Wake up.
Unless you are totally over a past relationship, you dont need to persue anything "serious". .
I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood. I am not posting this as though I am the one rebounding. I am divorced, yes, but that happened a year ago and I was over the marriage years before it actually ended. I have dated several people since I left my husband. My ego is not tattered, nor am I asleep. I am very aware of the mistakes of my failed marriage ( and other past relationships) and have learned from them. I am confident and secure in myself and I know exactly what I want.
Miss W, I agree with you, but how then does one tell when it's safe to attempt to get to know someone fresh out of a relationship? Do all "rebounders" go through a stage where they basically use someone to get over the ex? What if they've taken the time to heal and learn from the past, and are seemingly ready to meet someone new? Start fresh? Do you think there's still a danger of them taking that first new person and basically use them as an ego boost?
The difference between a "rebound relationship" and the "next relationship" is whether the person has healed and handled their stuff from the previous relationship. I love this line, and I think it makes perfect sense. I don't believe every "next" has to be a rebound. I just wish there was a way to be sure before you proceed with someone fresh out of a relationship that they were completely over it and truly ready for something new.
Any advice for a person interested in someone just getting over someone else? And please don't tell me to "just forget it" because I don't want to. I think he's pretty special and anyway, I don't just write people off like that. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:14:44 PM | smiles644 wrote:
krimiariver - you have to much common sense to be posting on here. I have found that many people on here like to "paint everyone with the same brush". It is nice to see someone who does not have that attitude.
Thank you very much (said like Latka). Yeah, that's one of my pet peeves here is when some make pronouncements like they came from the mouth of God and then present their personal opinion based their own experiences or that of their cousin and then present it as an addendum to the Ten Commandments. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:17:56 PM | I always thought using the word "rebound" implied that it was just grabbing onto whatever was available because someone's used to being with someone, even if it's the wrong someone.
People only know for themselves, they know but won't admit it whether they're ready for another relationship or not. I've heard many say, well they're probably not, have too many unresolved issues but feel entitled not to have to be "alone". So they plug in someone to fill the gap. I've never known it to work.
There isn't a "right" time period, although I've read some threads that purport some supposed formula for "length of relationship" to determine the "right" amount of time not be involved. If everyone and every relationship were the same, then maybe so. I personally think the idea is absurd.
It could be a few weeks, a few months or years. Being ready and able to persue another relationship is just that.
Rebound as far as I've known implies something else. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:24:47 PM | Personally, I have never had a rebound relationship. Any time I have been in a relationship that didn't work out, I always gave myself a year before I started dating again. I'm not saying that's what you have to do, but it worked for me. It gave me the time to heal emotionally, and deal with my issues
To be honest though, I have never known a rebound to work out, and I have seen many a friend try it...after any break up, you need time to get yourself back together again. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:43:53 PM | "Any time I have been in a relationship that didn't work out, I always gave myself a year before I started dating again. I'm not saying that's what you have to do, but it worked for me. It gave me the time to heal emotionally, and deal with my issues"
Same here with one exception. I met my second husband the week of my divorce. We were both members of a social group, I had just joined. So we got to know each other doing our group activities and we both did volunteer "duties". A few months later we started dating and got married a few months after that.
I wasn't looking or even interested in trying to find someone to date, I was enjoying being "free" of a bad relationship. It just so happened I "accidently" versus purposefully did meet someone wonderful. I have no doubt we'd still be married and happy had he not suddenly and tragically died.
I am thankful for those 6 months, it set the benchmark of how great a marriage can/should be. That was nearly 16 years ago and still "not looking" I happened to meet another amazing man that makes me happier than I'd ever dreamed.
Point being it wasn't a rebound relationship at all. I didn't desire or plan to meet or even get married again that soon, you just never know when you'll happen to meet someone wonderful . | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 6:59:06 PM | Bucsgirl-I guess really we're not in agreement on what the term "rebound" really means. To me, and pretty much all of the people in my social circle, a rebound relationship IS the person you meet immediately following the break up or loss of a previous relationship. ( Or shortly thereafter.) Whether you're looking or not.
I don't really want to argue semantics though, and I appreciate your input.
I think that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, and that all of us, except for the most heartless, truly try to learn from every experience, good or bad. I wish some people weren't so quick to write off others as soon as a snag comes along, but it seems the ones who do are the ones who are "rebounding" or still stinging from painful events in the recent past, that remind them of or reopen old wounds.
I guess after my marriage, I am just hopeful and looking toward the future, and am looking for someone who is looking forward, too. In that respect,I think a "rebound" is a good thing...if someone's health is rebounding, it means they're "on the mend" after all, right? | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:04:28 PM | "Bucsgirl-I guess really we're not in agreement on what the term "rebound" really means. To me, and pretty much all of the people in my social circle, a rebound relationship IS the person you meet immediately following the break up or loss of a previous relationship. ( Or shortly thereafter.) Whether you're looking or not." I appreciate that, I was only speaking from my own experience and the way I've heard and known it to be used. Not saying that's the "right" definition.
No matter what is a "proper" definition or if one exists, people do tend to interpet it based on their experiences.
I don't like arguing semantics either, it tends to mean to you how you've come to know how it's been used.
"I guess after my marriage, I am just hopeful and looking toward the future" Glad to hear that, you're so on the right track with that mindset. And I do sincerely wish you all the best. | |
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| Rebounds-Can They Ever Work?
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:20:24 PM | | I knew a couple- she was freshly divorced from a cheating husband and she was left with 5 young children. He was freshly divorced from a wife that up and split and left him with 6 youngish children. They met at a support group. Started dating, dropped out of the group, got married 3 months after they met. Last I'd heard, still together after 12 yrs. Made for one hell of a crowded house.............. | |
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Krimiariver...thanks for that chuckle! I needed it today!
