| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:25:09 PM | I met someone on this site 9 months ago. Our personalities were and still are extremely compatible. We always seem to have a lot of fun together. We were seeing each other for over a month before intimacy entered into the picture. That intimacy reaches a level of passion neither of us has ever experienced before, it's incredible.
Shortly after the intimacy begins, this gentleman informsed me that he's still married, but has been seperated for over a year. Needless to say it was a shock at first, but the relationship was so good, and looked full of promise that I believed there was a future for us.
Over time he started telling me how much he cared for me. I found it questionable mostly because we never went anywhere except hang out here at my home. I never was introduced to anyone in his life and he seemed to go through great pains to ensure I didn't. Nor did he want to meet any of my friends. After seeing me for 5 months he tells me he's renewing his relationship with his wife.....something I still have trouble believing. All indicators tell me it's not true. And he still comes to see me, only not with the same frequency as before. I informed him that I was on POF, that if he didn't want me surely someone out there somewhere would.
He sometimes isn't very upfront with me, and it's obvious. We've stopped the intimacy but the attraction to each other and the sexual tension is unreal. Recently I know for certain that I saw his profile on POF again. When I asked him if he was on this site again he told me that he wasn't. I sent a letter to his profile and he read it. However, he didn't look at my profile. Anyone getting a letter from someone always looks at the senders profile. Human nature would pretty much guarantee it. He left here, went home and read the mail but did not respond or look at my profile. It speaks for itself, I think.
I'm getting all these mixed messages from him. He used to help me with chores around the house but has stopped. He used to do a lot of things that are now non-existant. But he still comes by to visit me. He's even mentioned the emotions we feel for each other several times.
Is he confused? Or just lying to keep himself free , but thinking, for some reason, that he still has me?
I'm getting highly confused with this. Help!! | |
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| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:34:09 PM | | I think he should have disclosed that info before becoming sexually intimate with you. It shows a lack of integrity. The lack of interest in the "rest" of your life or including you in his also seems to fit a certain pattern... | |
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| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:37:03 PM | Umm...OP...firstly there's a feature which allows you to look at peoples profiles without them knowing that you have.
Secondly, ur 53 years of age and you dont know a player when you meet one?
He's not sending you any mixed messages, he's been perfectly clear in the messages he's sent; he been using you for sex
He might hang around a little while longer for the company & still leave his options open just incase the sex begins again. But the guy's a player hon. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 10:38:55 PM | It's really simple, any "relationship" that begins with fundamental dishonesty, is founded on a lie. That you may find each other attractive, and have chemistry, is fine, well, and good. It's still "fruit of the poisoned tree", and nothing good can come from it in the long run.
Everyone who has dated more than one or two people, has run into a liar along the way. I don't know anyone for whom that has ever worked out in a good way for the long term.
I've been in the exact situation, where someone was supposedly "single", then "copped" to being married, but separated, which was later "revised" to "married, but unhappy". It sounds like you got hooked by one of those, and the sooner you wriggle free, the better the chances of finding a relationship that is based on foundational honesty, rather than lies and deception. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 10:44:42 PM | | I know exactly how you feel. I dated a guy for nearly 5 years. He always said he loved me and we went out a few times. We both worked a lot of hours. I met a few of his friends only once. He has never met any of my family. We went out a couple of times. Always the work thing got in the way. We would make plans and he would never follow through never a call to cancel, just never called one way or the other. I accepted it for what it was but was never really happy with the way things were going. Even when you work long hours you should find the time to spend with the one you claim to love. Finally I just gave up and moved on. Another lesson learned. Don't waste time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Life is to short to be waiting, waiting, waiting , for someone who doesn't seem to be into you. Good luck | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 10:59:43 PM | Sounds like you have things pretty much figured out.
The guy enjoyed sex with you, and that is pretty much the end of the story. His lying ... do not know why you (or anyone) would put up with this. | |
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| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:00:58 PM | | Hey....just a question...... How soon do you think it's going to be before he tells you he's going to try to save his marriage??? | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 11:26:43 PM | | Yes you were played. Bottom line is he is married. And no conflicting message, it was sex plain and simple. Of course he has planted the seed in your head, he still cares, he still hangs around, wants to be friends,and the seed has taken root. You need to dig out the root and then use root killer. People like that have zero feeling for anyone but themselves. It's their world and they think we all just live in it. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 11:36:11 PM | OP...if you were a man i would say this to you...
think with your big head and not your little one.. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 11:51:29 PM | You should run as far away from that man , he's out there looking for the next woman to toy with. There are a lot of those out there , they are on the prowl for women to play with, to spice up their boring married lives ( I am sure he is still married )You are a beautiful woman , you will find someone decent , you should not put up with that
from anyone .
I am lucky I never got deep into anything like that ,came close a few times , but I am able to read the signs .........I think ,
but there are some cunning people out there . | |
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| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:54:28 PM | | As other posters have said there is no mixed messages. You say you are confused but I don't believe you are in the true sense. You know what is the truth concerning this man and his so called mixed messages but you don't want to believe them. It sucks to get played but living in denial because you dont want to face what is plainly right in front of you is ignorance. | |
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Posted: 11/4/2007 11:55:13 PM | One question -- why are you still seeing him, in any capacity? He lied to you, used you for sex and even if you suppose the very best possible of him, he's supposed to be trying to make it up with his wife and quite frankly, you shouldn't be in the picture at all if that is the case.
At least now you've proved to yourself how little you can actually know someone after such a short time so hopefully you won't be making the same mistake twice. Move on. By the way if you actually want more than sex out of an encounter, you may want to examine your focus carefully. Your profile and way of talking give off a certain message: I don't think you need me to spell it out, I think you know perfectly well why you're on 115 members favourites lists and that it's little to do with your forum activity as this is your fifth post ever. If you're happy with being the "intimate encounter" type, that's absolutely fine, but it doesn't sound like you are happy with it, so it may be time to examine what you're doing. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 12:35:56 AM | This guy is going to find someone else to toy with.I doubt he has any intention on returning to his marriage as he claims he's going to do.
You don't need to be treated like that,he's doing everything he can to cover his own ass. He has basically made you a prisoner in you're own place.
You have to get your sense of self respect back in order.
He does'nt want to meet your friends,and does'nt introduce you to any of his. He's treating you like trash.Of course he's going to keep the sexual tension high,he wants to get every little bit out of this he can.
He's like a psychic vampire, kick this one to the curb and get away from him.
It does'nt sound like it will take too long for him to find another victim. JMO. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 1:34:47 AM | Conflicting messages indeed...
You say you want a real relationship but your entangled in a mess with a man who couldn't for the life of him be in a committed relationship and your profile does not look like one of someone who is seriously looking for a meaningful relationship. Like rune3 says learn from this and don't repeat it. I know it may be painful and you may like this fella, but you are obviously suffering emotionally or you wouldn't be putting yourself in such a situation. No one knows how you got to your current place in life nor should we judge you for this but i hope you can objectively look at your situation, the men you are attracting and perhaps see a link to how it might be happening.
You want Love? let your profile show this. You want endless drama and empty endings that leave you hopelessly perplexed continue what your doing. Profile review may give you some insight into this.
Hope things improve for you,
crazylilting | |
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| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/5/2007 2:48:11 AM | I am sorry to tell you this....but this man has been Married all along.
This is a game he plays, to give him the out...with the "renew" his relationship thing.
When a man does not include you in his life...friends etc.....it is a sign.
You sound like a nice lady, and I know it is hard to believe now, be you will be better off without him.
All you are doing now, is making his marriage better, by giving him the "good" he is missing there.
Good Luck to you | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 2:56:21 AM |
Over time he started telling me how much he cared for me. I found it questionable mostly because we never went anywhere except hang out here at my home. I never was introduced to anyone in his life and he seemed to go through great pains to ensure I didn't. Nor did he want to meet any of my friends.
He has never been separated!! The above quote just screams "I can't be seen with anyone else!!"
Run, don't walk, run, and best of luck. Find a man who is proud to have you by his side, and wants the world to know how special you are to him.  | |
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| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:04:44 AM | | Is he confused? No, he knows exactly what he's doing. The question is, what are YOU doing with him?? | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 5:06:23 AM | | Dashriprock, he's probably not even separated. Probably never has been. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 5:09:55 AM | Justachatter...
EXACTLY!!!!! You said it! He can't be seen with her, and they always hung out at HER house, because they couldn't go to HIS house...the wife and kids are there!
I hope the OP takes all this to heart and realizes that this guy is no good, and is looking to replace her, (if he hasn't already, which I am suspecting is exactly what has happened.) | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:24:01 AM | And of course, the problem may be that you weren't intentionally played...but accidentally played. One of the problems in dating the separated or newly divorced is that they still have a huge wave of emotions to experience fight through. The comfort and attention of having someone may soften the divorce issues to the point where even thoughts about reconciliation start occurring.
Even for the newly divorced, you have that first, cast-iron (I say that because it ain't really golden) year in which each holiday, each season, brings emotions to the surface that for years...if not decades previous, were associated with someone else.
Truth is, you screwed up. Acccept it and you be the strong one. Push him away one last time. Take some time to get your emotional life back where you'd like it to be, and then begin again.
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| NO Conflicting Messages - Clear that he got what he wanted ... Done!
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:33:21 AM | ^^^^^
<div class='quote'>Msg 21: And of course, the problem may be that you weren't intentionally played...but accidentally played.Oops, he forgot - and left his wife on the bus? 
<div class='quote'>Shortly after the intimacy begins, this gentleman informsed me that he's still married, but has been seperated for over a year. 
vvvv Yes, the OP has responsibility for her actions. However, I am addressing your contention that there was an "accident" on his part. My point is: He did not inform the OP of his marital status (even to say he was "separated") until after they had gone out for a month. Therefore, he lied by omission. That is deliberate and there is nothing accidental about it! | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:43:46 AM | When the separation begins, many people see the end result...divorced...pretty easily. They have no idea the amount of emotion and legal wrangling they are going to be going through. But they know you are technically becoming free to date again. My ex had on her myspace account "Divorced" almost a year before the divorce was legally done. I kept my status as "Separated" until the day the divorce was official. She said it was because she knew (IOW, honestly felt) there was no going back. That's fine, I felt the same way. I preferred to do it the way I did it. That doesn't make her a bad person...a bit anxious, yes...but not bad.
My point is, frequently people go into these relationships with good intentions. And somewhere along the way they experience an emotional shift.
But the real problem is this bull$hit that men get to be labeled as 'Players' because some woman didn't have the good sense to keep her panties on and opened up her life to him. If you know someone sooooooo little that you don't ask the important questions and delve into their background a bit, yet you're still dancing the Mattress Mambo, well...the issue may not be with the other person. TRUST ME, there are a lot of women on POF who are equally adept at making mistakes because they are lonely, hoping and in need of something that feels like emotional intimacy. And in the case of this poster...what happened after her told her...she kept welcoming him back into her bed. Duuuuuuuhhhhhh......and HE's a player?
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| NO Conflicting Messages - Clear that he got what he wanted ... Done!
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:50:50 AM | It seems to me - he planned this with the end results in mind.
“I never was introduced to anyone in his life and he seemed to go through great pains to ensure I didn't. Nor did he want to meet any of my friends.”
“And he still comes to see me, only not with the same frequency as before.” (because is wife is getting pizzed he is not home very often)
OP - you were never even his girl friend. You were just sexy to him.
I doubt his wife even knows they have been separated for over a year ..... it would probably be news to her.
He was hiding you. If I ever again have a girl friend (real two way match) ...... EVERYONE will know it lol. I can see it all now “shut up Ron/Dad we already know it” lol. | |
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| NO Conflicting Messages - Clear that he got what he wanted ... Done!
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:54:37 AM | This is the story of an "Affair" as they used to be called before more "sophisticated" (?) terms such as "being played" or "used for sex" came into the Social psyche and jargon.
From the info provided, it is not clear to me that the OP was "used for sex", but maybe "used for fun". A lot also depends on whether the guy was actually separated or not. Should he have mentioned he was still married if he was INDEED separated? What did his profile say? But then profiles also misquote weight, etc, etc.
The issue is whether the OP was attracted to this man due to the expectation of an LTR or due to pure libido. In any case, it seems she has experienced a passionate affair. That is no little thing these boring and passionless days.
As per the future? Que sera, sera ....
Real life is full of conflicting messages. That is why it is called REAL. There is no script or director to say "Cut"!
As per the affair, it does seem rather over. To be filed in one's album of life and experiences. Could be much worse!
Does the label the OP wants to put on this depend on whether she was "played" or not? Oh well, that is understood, but tough to decode, because she and most of us are not analysts (although many of us watch too much CSI (lol)).
That's life! | |
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