| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/17/2005 9:27:43 PM | I see threads here from time to time that either directly ask or skirt around the issue of some people who are afraid of either falling in love or getting hurt. Below is a jumble of my thoughts and opinions concerning this. For those who cant follow it , its undoubtedly my beuatifull mess of words and therefore I apologise. For those that can ...feel free to agree, disagree , state your own or simply tell me IM full of shit...the discretion as always is your own.
To me there are two types of people.
There are those that embrace each and every new relationship with an open heart and open mind ( some might even say niavity) with the hopes or dreams that this may just be the one! They give of themselves selflessly, are thoughtfull, they fall hard and fast, speak thier true feelings and emotions no matter how quick, ludicriss, or stupid it may seem. To put it simply they hold back nothing, put their true selves out there on the line and as unfortunatley life would have it more often then not get hurt or taken advantage of. ( all is not lost I promise keep reading )
Then you have those that either through being hurt or life experience have chosen to close a part of themselves off. They allow ridicule, skepticism , fear, or simply doubt cast a shadow upon something new. They don`t always speak thier mind for fear of being ridiculed or being made a fool of. They will hide how they feel. They will not reach out for the other person for fear of coming on to strong or being rejected. They look at something that makes them feel this great as to be too good to be true.
And finally heres my longwinded opinion on all of this,
If you are one of the first group awesome for you. You will get hurt , you will get taken advantage of, and god knows you will have sleepless nights. However please don`t despair as I beleive only you will eventually and trully find true love. As you by showing and acting on your true feelings actually have the chance of finding someone to love you for the real you.
For those of you in the second group, you wont ever hurt as bad or if you have before wont again, you will eventually settle down with somone and find yourself asking what happened, what went wrong in the relationship. How did it die....well my heart goes out to you poor doomed folks , I am just wondering though out of curiosity how you folks ever thought you could be happy or find true love by hiding or holding back some of what makes you , you. See I cant see how you can ever expect anyone to love you for you if you`ve held some of what makes you you back or were saving it for later. Its always these people who sometime into a relationship find thier mate saying they have changed, that they arnt the same person anymore. No big shocker if you think about it as the person you showed them that they liked or fell in love with in the beginning wasnt the whole or real you to begin with.
OH and for those that like a challenge and need a constant one...chances are you fit pretty snugly into this second group though you will vehementley deny it. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 6:29:44 AM | well, i hope you're right bigdaddyrogue... at least then, the years of laying my soul bare will have a happy ending and on that note... everyone have a McHappy kind of day... go buy a muffin or something, it's kids charity day - the ONLY day i visit McDs  | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 6:43:02 AM | I think there is a lot of truth in what you said BigDaddyRogue.....and there is nothing wrong with the way you expressed yourself. It was clearly stated and easily understood.
I think there is a third group as well.....somewhere in between setting it all free and keeping most of themselves closed off.....and I think I have a tendency to fall in the middle somewhere.
I am always me but I do guard my heart somewhat and I don't fall "in love" quickly. I take the time I need to get to know the person and feel the experience. I am a rational person and probably over think stuff to death but I am also a Cancer (not sure whether signs are something a lot of people relate too but I do) and my emotions weigh heavily on the things I do and the choices I make.
I try not to let my past affect my present and more importantly my future. I err on the side of caution sometime but I am wanting to take a risk from time to time as well.
Life is full of paths as is love we just have to be brave enough to step out on the ones that come to us in our journey and know that no matter the experiences we have they truly are there to "enrich" our lives.....both the good and not so good experiences. It's all about learning. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 6:49:39 AM | I agree with Raven...I started out it the first group but after having my heart stomped on more times than I would like to count...I fell into the second group...it was a matter of self-preservation. I am now straddling the middle...still hopeful and open but somewhat reserved. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 6:51:15 AM | | I guess I tend to fall into the first group. I have only been completely in love and crushed once,unfortunatly it was 6 months ago and even though I thought NEVER AGAIN after a few months of feeling hopeless I figure 4 years of happiness was worth 5-6 months of hurt.Good post it makes you think about yourself a little. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 7:10:43 AM | I'm kinda slow at falling in love, I have to trust a person, and respect them...I keep getting the wrong men.. So now I air the wind of caution.. I have always dated Hot looking men..And God knows I try to look beneath the surface...when I found out the person I realized I picked shallow men..
I have many people who tell me date a man who does not look as good , then you know you have a true man for you....NOW that SCARES me why can we NOt find someone who rings our bells that has personality NOT just looks..maybe its the industry I'm in I'm not really sure.. Its been a year for me I last dated my ex bf in june of last year..
All i know is I'm ready again,, but not in a rush, Question ...Does anyone here believe in SOULMATES,, or am I just dreaming ,,,,LOL   | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 10:48:59 AM | The factor here from this threads title and the concerns of the author have nothing to do with fear of loving someone.
Its from fear of loving themselves... and not enough faith in themselves to pick the right person to be worthy of giving it too.
Its insecurity.
Work on yourself and not trying to fix someone else... will make you wiser and make better choices.
A person who is secure would not be trying to fix other people but using their time to love people who are lovable. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 11:16:15 AM | I think I not only fall into the “second group,” I may well redefine it. But unlike BDR suggests, I don’t feel “doomed” to a loveless or lonely life. No offense intended to anyone, and I really do mean that because not everyone thinks like I do, but I view people who are hopelessly optimistic about relationships and in need of finding some to love as weak minded. I find that I complete myself. I need no one else (romantically speaking) to make my life happy, complete and fulfilled. My life was worse when I was “involved” than it is now. I have never been happier or felt a greater sense of freedom.
And if there is one thing people ironically fear the most, it is absolute freedom. Most people want a sense of security, that someone (or something) will be there to pick them if they fall. Most people fear the idea of being completely self sufficient. That’s why we have welfare, unemployment benefits, in some countries national health care and also why we cling to the idea of marriage.
The problem with having those safety nets, or that person to rely upon, is we must compromise some of our freedoms. You have to pay taxes to fund a welfare system much the same way as you have to give up that round of golf on Saturday to go to the wedding of someone you don’t know as a way to appease your wife/gf or husband/bf. I think everyone can agree that the key to a good relationship is compromise. But when you compromise, you lose freedoms. So I see BDR’s two groups as making a choice: Are you or are you not willing to compromise your personal freedoms for the chance at a special relationship that may or may not last? Would you be happier with absolute personal freedom or with a safety net? I choose absolute personal freedom.
I do think in many cases BDR’s characterization of the second groupers is dead on. But we’re not all in that group for the same reasons.
I know I am going to get beat up for this post, and that’s fine. It’s understandable because I would venture that the vast majority of people think in absolute contrary terms to the way I do. That would make me the one who is different and weird. I can live with that. But don’t mistake my opinion as being formed because I am bitter or was hurt. My opinion has been formed based on the fact that I have found life to be much more fulfilling as a single than it was in a relationship.  | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 11:23:45 AM | Well I hope no one beats on you for it, I liked your post. I dont agree that being in a relationship is a safety net but do agree compromise should be part of any realtionship.
The way you wrote the post by the way is very disarming I cannot see anyone having an issue. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 11:27:36 AM | BigDaddyRogue,
I think your post is very well thought out, and accurate. I have been in both categories - the one who put her heart on her sleeves, and the other who let the walls take over. Obviously the experiences from the first are much more profound then the latter, but I never would be where I am now if I hadn't had both.
Which is why I suggest you need to add a third category. The happy medium. A place where you're not afraid to fall in love, nor are you afraid to be with someone forever and you are willing to take that chance. A place where you are open to being vulnerable, but not willing to give it away to just anyone. A place where you're not thinking "what can I do to make him/her like me" but rather, "Are they the right one for me?".
I will admit this is a new realm for me, but so far its working great! I have met some amazing men, am taking it slow and truly getting to know them. I think this is the best way to ensure that I don't want to end up with someone I can just live with, but end up with someone that I can't live without. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 11:28:40 AM | msreddress I feel that your response was judgemental, degrading and tactless. (sorry, but that's MHO)
I don't think the OP has any issues regarding self esteem, and I don't feel that he was trying to "fix" anybody. I think that he was merely stating his opinion and wanting to know if others shared his views on the topic at hand.
I don't disagree with everything he said, I just don't feel that I fit snugly into either group.
I agree with the person above me about the third group. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 12:04:30 PM | Okay, well...seems to be equal amounts identifying with both extremes and the "somewhere in the middle" crowd...For myself, I was walled off from my own feelings for a long time due to lots of ancient history...Life wasn't unpleasant, but it was...dull.
I knew that I would have to change something if I were to have that "connection" with people that I so wanted, and ,by people, I mean friends, family, lovers,etc.
So I went on a journey of self-discovery and discovered something called...boundaries...
Those who "fall in love" at the drop of a hat, actually have the LEAST likelihood of finding the VERY thing that they seek due to weak or non-existent boundaries...Which are a FUNDAMENTAL requirement for an adult, loving, sexual realtionship that isn't based on mutual dependancy and need.
Those on the other end of the spectrum, the "closed off" ones, are equally unlikely to find that love and acceptance that they so crave either.
Never thought I'd say this...But I actually kind of agree with Yam!!!
Until you find yourself in an emotional place where you are happy a,one, with and by yourself, have developed your boundaries and are realistic in your expectations...well, good luck!
It's about understanding the difference between infatuation and love my friends, and I'm constantly amazed at how easily people can confuse the two...
My motto is...Learn from the past...But don't allow it to determine the future! Dee | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 12:26:36 PM | Wow, Justa and Dee “kinda” agreeing with me on back-to-back days ... there’s only five more signs to come before the apocolypse descends upon us
Dee, I think you make some great points about how people rush into relationships like they're chasing a white elephant. Some people are so desperate for the love and acceptance of another that it leads to an unhealthy situation.
Believe it or not, I also find it sad when people shut themselves off emotionally. Sounds odd coming from me, right? Especially in light of the above post. The truth about me is my emotions are far from guarded or turned off. I live life with a passion and zest that has never existed before. It was always repressed by the will of others through the evil of compromise (just my POV, folks).
I have never lived like I have since my divorce. I have never breathed air so fresh, had my eyes open so wide, my hearing so accute or my heart so filled with joy as I have in the past year since I got past mourning and to the point of self discovery.
What I have learned is I am a person I love so very much. In the past I would at times loathe myself for not being the perfect BF, husband, provider, whatever! When people close off and don’t embrace life - whether that means grabbing hold of absolute personal freedom or opening their heart to finding that person they desire - I feel as though they are missing so much. And I do feel badly for them because this life IS worth living. But if you sit and stare into a black space all day, you’re going to miss the wonderful things God gives us. Life is a wonderful thing: Live it!!! | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 1:19:05 PM | @ yam...No apocalypse in sight!!! YET!!!!
But seriously...Many pay lip service to the cliche about loving yourself first...But few do the ACTUAL work involved, because it is so MUCH easier, (they think!!) to look for it in "him" or "her"...
Somebody once told me...Make a list of all of the qualities that you desire in a mate...And then BECOME that person!!!
At least THAT way, if Prince or Princess charming DOESN'T show up...You STILL have found someone to love....Dee | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/18/2005 3:02:14 PM | | Precisely, Dee, and you state that so well. I can't say that I am yet perfectly happy with everything about me ... I still have some unfinished business. But I am making myself into the person whose qualities I list when I think of the perfect partner. Of course, my therapist tells me my standards and expectations are probably too high to be realistic (at the same time telling me I am describing the female version of myself. She said I have a very healthy self image ). But I guarantee I will find that person, even if it is me. | |
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jaady
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Joined: 4/23/2005
Msg: 22 | |
| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 10:46:33 AM | Well expressed bigdaddyrogue,
Personally I don’t get with “wall and barriers”….
Am definitely in the first category, always been and always will. Been taken for rides countless time and that’s my fault. But I like who I am and I am not going to change who I am or how I do things in order to satisfy someone else. A relationship is but an extension of life. Decide how you want to live your life…
A little about why I will never change even if I am gona be taken for a ride more times over:
Living with barrier is like cruising with the top up, windows closed, air conditioning going, a full thank of gas and not particularly enthusiastic about going anywhere. Its just a drive.
Living with yourself open means: driving with the top down, letting your hair down, letting the sun and the wind caress every inch of your body, listening to good music and waving to all that have a good time playing along side the beach, not having a whole lotta cash and one quarter on the gas gauge, knowing exactly where you are going and meet and the reason why you are going there. It’s exciting, spontaneous, its living.
The clash: Open vs barriers
Most often than none opposites attracks. I don’t know how many time I chose wrong. Most beautiful women have had this thing called being played with and on many times. Am sure when they were little girls they played the same games like Barbie, or make over or even hockey… who would have thought they would become as pretty as they did? What happen next is guys… YA baby, you look hot! Let’s go for a ride… that’s where the sh*t hit the fan.
I am attracted to beautiful girls because I like a beautiful girl, simple as that. But the problem is that it will probably never work as these girls experienced the first category a while back and decided no more. Now its like you said. They gona play it for themselves now and it really doesn’t matter if the right man comes along or not, they are doomed to a settlement later on in life. How man wacko do you have to go through in order to meet just a couple of decent folks? Hundreds…. Look how these treads evolves… everytime someone brings up something intelligent and constructive, there is always a dweeb that insert a dumb stupid comment that isn’t funny at all. Afew people may think its funny and say something but those are dweeb too. So they screw up the tread and make it uninteresting for other to follow up. People that can’t be serious for a second and respect a tread should be ridiculed and cast away. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 10:54:43 AM | it goes without saying.. there are only two forces in life
love and fear and everyone operates from one of them.
This is the basis taught in the bible... and can pertain not only
to how people love but what they are too afriad to face... which prevents
emotional growth and things in the way in the nature of trust.
The things that are required for any type of happy union between people.
there is little hope for anything considered good or healthy relationship wise
other than a purely physical one when one is not emotionally open
this goes without saying. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 10:58:17 AM | | Yeah! I'm definitely the first group and it has caused me no end of emotional pain... but why change?? It's the only way to live your life as far as I'm concerned, with practice the letdowns become ever more comical | |
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