| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/10/2007 5:09:57 PM | Hi,
These two nuns feel like they are being followed.
So, they split up to have a better chance to escape (it's night too btw).
So they agree to converge at the church.
One of them arrive first.
The second one arrives a little later.
So the first nun asks her what happened.
She tells the first nun that she was followed and took several different trails to lose the man.
However, he was running and running faster than her.
When he finally catched up to her, she lifted het skirt up.
Why, asks the first nun.
The second nun answers that by lifting her skirt it gave her the chance to run faster and to elude the prowler.
To those who thought otherwise, that's very dirty and I expect you to go to church as soon as possible and confess...
;)
Friend. | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/11/2007 3:09:29 PM | that's not a joke. it's not even worth a giggle. i'll never get those few seconds back that I spent reading that garbage.
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/11/2007 4:05:34 PM | I think he means the following....
Two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Maria (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Louise (SL). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Louise.
Sister Maria arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Louise.
Then Sister Louise arrives.
SM: Sister Louise! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/11/2007 5:47:18 PM | Two nuns go into a liquor store to buy a bottle.
The guy behind the counter says “but I thought you ladies never drink”
One of the nuns says “we don’t, this is for mother superior, she’s sick”
He gives them the bottle and they leave.
About an hour later they come back for another bottle and they’re really drunk.
The guy behind the counter says “but you ladies told me that the last one was for mother superior, she’s sick”
One nun says “she is, she’s constipated but when she see’s us like this she’ll shiit” | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:40:25 AM | This kid who helps the priest in his morning duties has to leave town.
So a new kid comes in to help the priest to his chores.
The priest tells him that before they begin he has to confess his sins.
So the new kid enters the box on one side the priest on the other.
Kid: I stole a pack of gum.
Priest: Say ten holy marys
Kid: What do I get for looking at the neighbor through the window when she took her clothes off?
Priest: Fifty holy marys.
Kid: What do I get for a bj?
Priest: I'll give you a coca cola and a chocolate bar. | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/27/2007 8:55:04 PM | The nun
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!" | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/28/2007 7:59:37 PM | This german tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer
that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting
and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge,
he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was
doing his business, he was surprised by the Mother Superior. "OH! I am
soo sorry!' "No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a
man's...You know. Could I take a look?" The tourist was freaked out by
a nun asking to see his works but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he
figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was
about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it.
Would you mind...?" "This is really wierd, but sure." The tourist was
getting really exited. Who could say that you had been tossed off by
a nun? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
expience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to
get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondleing his
testicles and sudennly straightened, and said,
"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!(SQUEEZE). | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/28/2007 9:23:44 PM | I'm not religious myself, but this one is quite sweet and won't offend anyone...
In 1979, Pope John Paul II visited Ireland. Greeted by massive crowds wherever he went, he said mass for 1.5 million people on the first day of his visit, and 500,000 more on day two. A visit to the seminary at Maynooth College on day three provided welcome relief for the exhausted pontiff, and as his motorcade crept along the quiet approach to the college the Pope begged his entourage to let him steer the car, something he was seldom permitted to do. Eventually they relented, and soon encountered a young student priest at the gates of the college. Greeted with the customary papal wave, the student instantly turned and fled to the residence of the college president.
"Father", he stammered, "we have a very special visitor on the way!"
"A bishop?", the president enquired.
"Much higher than a bishop!"
"An archbishop??"
"Higher than that."
"Surely not a cardinal?"
"Oh, higher than that."
"Well then, who can it possibly be??"
"I don't know", the youth replied, "but the Pope's driving him!!" | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/29/2007 12:11:38 AM | Here's my all-time fave religious joke & I'm Catholic.
This joke upset many people I told it to who can't take a joke.
Hell, God has a sense of humor too ( I hope ).
"There won't be any Easter next year"
"Why?"
"They found the body" | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 11/29/2007 12:46:41 AM | One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
"God?"
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
"God, what's a headache?" | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 12/1/2007 10:36:55 AM | A man goes into church one Sunday morning. After the service, as he is leaving, he walks by and shakes the preachers hand and tells him " I enjoyed the great sermon, and my friend Kooter Greene would have loved it". The preacher replies by telling the man"We'll bring your friend Kooter Greene to church with you next Sunday, we're gonna have a good choir going". So the next Sunday the preachers up and joining the choir and this beautiful woman comes in, in a short mini skirt and a button up shirt, she walks to the front pew, sits and crosses her legs. The preacher nudges the choir director and asks "Is that Kooter Green"? the choir director replies "I don't know it might be the way the lights hitting it."
Hope you enjoyed | |
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 2/7/2008 7:27:57 AM | Three young brothers, aged 12, 10 and 6 go to the local Vicarage to do some gardening jobs to earn some pocket money. After they've finished cutting the grass and raking it up, they knock on the door for their 'rewards'.
The Verger comes out and remarks on what a good job they've done!! And gives the eldest boy £1, the boy says "Thank you mister Verger!"
He then gives the middle lad £1, he too says "Thank you mister Verger!"
He then goes to the youngest boy but only gives him 50p.... the little lad looks up sadly and says "Thank you mister Virgin!" The Verger quickly says "No son, my title is Verger!.....but do you realise what a virgin is?"
"Yes" said the little lad..... "A tight c*nt like you!"
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| Ok - only religious joke in here...
Posted: 2/8/2008 1:11:59 AM | Two Hawks takes the Talking Stick:
A Nun who was also a Nurse was driving along and ran out of gas. Searching through her stuff she came up with a urinal. She took this and walked to a nearby gas station, filled it with gas and walked back to her car. The local sheriff had stopped and was wondering about her car. She walked up, opened the gas tank filling spout and began pouring the gas from the urinal in. The sheriff walked up, saw what she was doing and said: "Sister...if that works I will become Catholic!"
Two Hawks laughs and passes the Talking Stick. | |
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