| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:38:04 AM | I have a friend that is 26. He's been quite immature and I have been a mentor to him for a couple of years. About 6 months ago he sought my opinion about moving in with a girl that he was seeing for a sex only relationship. Since she is 32 and never had kids I warned him of the paternal clock and told him that in my opinion she would eventually drop off of her birth control and get pregnant because she appeared to me to want far more than sex only. He insisted that she would never do that to him and they had talked this through.
No surprise to me, it happened. He called me and said that she had been sick and then ended up crying admitting to being pregnant and has been insistent that she didn't want to abort. We talked about trust in the relationship and his confusion in "Doing The Right Thing". I was no more than a sounding board but it was clear he was feeling betrayed.
In my opinion a 32 year old woman "forgetting" to take enough consecutive pills to become pregnant and taking a 180 degree approach on the previously discussed "in case abortion" simply is no coincidence.
When my friend stopped returning my calls I sent an email to his sister just trying to find out what was going on. She informed me that she became friends with his girlfriend several months ago. Further this baby was just what her brother needed to become a man. She stated that she was glad that her brother wasn't returning my calls and that he is much better without my influences in his life.
It appears to me that my friend was duped into fatherhood not only by his girlfriend but his family as well. I know this kind of thing goes on every day.
How commonplace is this?
Does anyone think that a relationship based on mistrust has any chance of working?
Jonny Mac | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:44:32 AM | | What I think is that you should mind your own business and stay out of it. He obviously does not want "help" from you. | |
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-xox-
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Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 3 | |
| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:47:25 AM | | I think if you don't have trust in a relationship, you don't have anything. Honesty and trust, to me, are probably the most important things in a relationship. If you can't be sure your partner is going to be there for you or be around for your child especially then personally I would not be with that person. But hey, if your friend thinks he can make it work with this girl then good for him I guess, he got lucky. I just hope he actually has true feelings for the mother of his child, and vice versa, or else she could be screwing other guys while he is taking care of their child.. again, that works both ways, he could be messing around on her too. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:50:34 AM | Well this topic has been done just recently, but your buddy is screwed. Until the day they actually have the gaul to draft up a "pre-fornication agreement" that is legally binding, you do the deed, you reap the seed.
If your buddy didn't want kids, a vasectomy is the only safe way to go short of abstinence. It's still on my 30th b-day wish list should I decide to give up on the marriage & kids scenario...
You'll just have to stay out of it and see what happens. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:51:51 AM | Im afraid this relationship is called a NUNYA, as in None of your business
He's a adult, she's a adult its their problem not yours.
The best advice is to never give friends advice, not matter if your intentions are good, it will always come back and bite you in the ass, let him find out on his own, im sure one day he will be back and say, Hey man you were right.
Just wish him the best of luck, he's going to need it. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:54:19 AM | | Jonny, I will not be so mean as saying minding your own business.....I know how hard it is to see a friend crash and burn and there's nothing you can do about it. Chances are though...she had that plan from the moment she met him. This brings to mind the words of Chris Rock......A woman knows 5 minutes after meeting a guy if she is going to have sex with him, 10 minutes if he is going to live with her and 15 minutes how she is going to plan their life together. At this point all you can do is just wait for the evitable day when you two bump into each other and he saids, " Yeah..you were right". But remember, nothing you can say will make the situation better, just pray he makes it through. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:59:17 AM | | This situation is really none of your business. Perhaps she did stop taking her birth control pills on purpose ,but if he was concerned about pregnancy he should of insisted on condoms every single time.These two are equally responsible for the situation they are in. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:04:05 PM | OP, you have been his mentor, you told him what may happen, and he moved in with her anyway. What is there to say.. Maybe he loves her and wants to "do the right thing" .. If he had no feelings for her, he would not bother with doing the right thing.
He is 26, not 16, I say, just leave him alone and let him run or ruin his life.. When you have sex, regardless of what you use for birth control, nothing is 100% unless he has a vasectomy. His sister is probably right, just what he needs to grow up, a little responsibility. He seems to be doing the right thing. JMO
Hey, it could be a lot worse, at least he doesn't have an STD, or does he? | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:04:10 PM | It IS none of your business any longer. They've made that very clear.
But let me give you a little knowledge.
The birth control pill isn't fool proof. You don't have to miss a pill to become pregnant. While it is rare, it can and does happen quite more often than you realize, apparently.
The not willing to abort issue? Well. I know it's hard for you to understand, but when you're the one with the cells inside of you, growing - if it's after the first week or two, you KNOW it's been with you. Changes come over a person sometimes, and your previous belief system can go right out the window. You're talking about an actual LIFE. You can argue about when it becomes a life all you wish - but to the woman carrying, it becomes a life the second she acknowledges it's wanted/a baby/mine/etc....
Further more, maybe your 'mentoring' only took him so far. Maybe it sucked. Who knows, and no one cares at this point. It's OVER.
Now then. If you'd like to insure this never happens to you? Go get snipped, because NO birth control other than abstinance is 100% effective. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:06:26 PM | He knows my feelings. He also knows that I fully support what ever he decides to do and that I would be willing to be at or even in his wedding if that's what he wanted.
I figure that if he wants to talk he'll call. I choose to not pass on his sister's comments to him because she made it pretty clear that she was in on the plan. I don't want this to be an "I told you so" situation. He is a friend after all.
I do find in interesting how many people responded so far with the adatude that "I'm the bad guy here". What ever, it is an open forum and we are all entitled to our opinions. Keep them flowing.
J Mac | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:09:49 PM |
do find in interesting how many people responded so far with the adatude that "I'm the bad guy here".
I don't think people were saying you were the "bad guy" ... most that I read just stated that you should stay out of it, which is exactly what you are doing.
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:12:48 PM | | your friend was duped,?! I doubt anyone held a gun to his while he boinked her and old enough to know that sex can cause pregnancy... | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:17:46 PM | Friends are there till the end...
I don't see how he is sticking this nose into his friends business.
An opinion is something we have the God given right to speak.
Asking for other's opinion show an open mind.
I too would be concerned for a friend in need or bad deed.
In my opinion...There is nothing you can do but support your friend and buy some booties. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:19:04 PM | I don't think you're the bad guy - didn't say it and didn't mean it. Believe me - if I'd of thought it I'd of told you.
As far as his sister being in on 'THE PLAN'? I think you're cracked. I don't see a 'plan'. I see an accidental pregnancy, they're keeping it, and the sister apparantly thinks it's a wonderful opportunity for her brother to grow the hell up and become a man. I'm guessing she didn't think much of your mentoring either....
What diabolical women to come up with such a plan to trick a poor unsuspecting man into their web of deceit! Bullshit.  | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:22:31 PM |
It appears to me that my friend was duped into fatherhood
Well why didn't someone inform the poor boy that inserting a penis into a vagina is the number one cause of pregnancy?! This poor guy was walking around completely oblivious his whole life! Man, I bet he wishes he learned the birds and bees before he got duped. Since he spent his whole life unaware that sex causes pregnancy, are his parents, his elementary school, and all of his male childhood friends responsible for this too? I mean all of these people kept this huge secret from him... | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:23:40 PM | Why does everyone in this thread think a vasectomy is 100-percent foolproof? Believe it or not sterilized men have impregnated women, so maybe you shouldn't be tossing your opinion around as a fact. There are enough accidents as it is.
Also, it amazes me how easy it is to convince men not to wear a condom. Hell I can get pregnant right now if I'm so inclined... | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:31:44 PM | i can't agree w/all the people here, initially it's not your business and honestly it's not something u have to deal w/; but the fact of the matter is he made it your business by involving u in the first place and by continuing to involve u in it.
im sure he feels betrayed, when u feel that you and the person have an agreement; albeit a silent one, that we are just doing what we do and we are going to cover the bases, then ur gonna feel betrayed.
now if he wasnt using protection, he can't be mad; cus he left it on her to resolve the issue or take care of it. In that instance he can't be made; but if she wasn't doing her part and purposely got preg its messsed up and might be unfair; but it's something that can happen and he just has to deal w/it.
there is no need to complain unless ur doing all u can to avoid, everything reasonable, an the other person isn't; an EVEN then when u have sex u take that risk...
hopefully he resolves this and won't take it out on the child..or will handle it accordingly i.e. pay and stay away until he or the child is ready. Cus that is better than having spite or malice in ur heart... so if he is gonna give it his all great..good go ahead, if not he need to back up | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:52:25 PM | | And suddenly the most important person in this equation becomes the one who isn't born yet. Maybe it was an accident, maybe not. Does it really matter at the end of the day? They're having a child and arguing about whose fault it is doesn't seem terribly productive. They had sex and it's a possible consequence they signed up for when they did that. Her not wanting to abort was always a possibility and if he couldn't handle it, why was he having sex with her? Agreeing very much with lie-to-me on this thread... | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:59:22 PM | | I don't think you're the bad guy really. But it does take two people to make a baby, and if they were having a sex only relationship he shoulf have been using condoms. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 1:02:07 PM | | Buddy, no one saying you're a bad guy, what some of us are saying is "its none of your business" as in giving advice even if you can see potential problems down the road, its up to him to see , just be a friend and support. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 1:03:14 PM | Wow! does this bring back memories. Most of the guys I know when we were younger all got trapped the same way. They all got their dates and girlfriends in that way because the girls
1. was on the pill and decided that it was against their religion later down the road, after they got pregnant especially when abortion was brought into the scenario.
2. that 98-99% thing really is true! Congratulations your a daddy, but I swear I took my pill! I've heard all the excuses women use and I dont side with too many women (girls) out there when Betty Boop puts her finger to her cheek! I say run like hell!
It happens to the best of them! He's a daddy if he likes it or not!
I guess his family really likes her, wow!
Chela | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 1:05:55 PM | | Whether he was "duped" or wasn't. But if he was in a relationship for "sex only" , he probably should have treated it as such, meaning he should have been the one making provisions for prevention, if fatherhood was not in his plans. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 1:09:54 PM | Well he's not really duped. It takes two to tango after all. If he didn't want the baby bad enough, he could've used condoms during the sex. Besides, protected sex is so much better than unprotected sex.
He probably shouldn't have moved in with her as well, seeing that they were only doing it for sex.
Yes the girl was on the wrong as well for dropping the birth control, but not like it was accident or anything. It could've been prevented if he really wanted to.
But really, I suggest you should just stay out of it. He already made his decision. Like you said, if he needs you, he'll come around... Just be their support and be there for them no matter what. | |
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| Sorry Hun, I'm Pregnant...
Posted: 11/13/2007 1:13:44 PM | Betrayal and deception are not a good start for parents. If he wants to try being the father, be involved, then so bet it. But he may be better off stepping out of the picture except for his financial obligation, since the kid is bound to grow up warped and getting along with the mother would be an exercise in masochism. (In my humblest of opinions.)
I don't know how common it is. I had one woman way back when try to get pregnant by claiming she was using birth control when she wasn't. Somehow my sperm were lackluster or dazed that day, and nothing happened, or else maybe her egg had blown by too fast, or something. That women was friends with another, older woman who it turned out routinely counseled her young women friends to trick men into making babies. They had a regular baby scam going for a while. I have heard other stories from different people over the years.
My, how the women dismiss the betrayal and deception. It is true in terms of responsibility that the act itself dictates liability, despite circumstances, assuming no coercion. But that doesn't erase the significance of the betrayal, which I consider to be pretty big, and certainly big enough to warrant having nothing more to do with someone or the resulting child (except for child support).
If he was my friend I would slap him upside the head and laugh at his crazy fatherhood debacle, but still be supportive up to the point it became inconvenient. | |
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