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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 2:26:25 PM | Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
I've been thinking about these forums, and so many many threads, the theme of which (if not the original question) is: I DON'T NEED ANYONE. I may WANT someone, but I don't need innybuddy.
For me, a lifetime of learning says that's not true. To the extent that we are animals (and we certainly are that, at least), we are "social animals" (even the introverts among us, and I am one) and we (gasp) need each other for our very survival. As humans, being, we need each other even more for any kind of comfort, peace, much less for bone-deep happiness, for joy.
I see the denial in/on all the forums, but it especially surprises me on this one: The Grownups Forum, lol! Anyone got any ideas about just *why* it's soooooooooooooo hard to come clean? And if we can't even admit it to ourselves, how likely that we'll ever be able to find the other?
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 2 | |
| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 2:37:29 PM | Right, and we wonder what they are doing on a dating site.
I need because I am an animal; I want because I do not like to be alone, I have a heart to satisfy. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 2:40:36 PM | Hi ,, agree with this ,, I posted a similar thread some time ago ,, and similar response ......"don't "need" but want" ......... of course we need ,, why else would we be here?? , as you say ,, not many come clean ,,,, I know I need,,,, as to be solo just isn't a complete way to live ,, and apart from the 5% or less of people who do like to live that way ,, any of the rest who say they don't "need" are just fooling themselves.
I think the "want " instead of "need" is just people trying to convince themselves they can be independent. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 2:44:03 PM | It's from a bunch of self-help stuff.
It goes like this...
Poor Baby Woman is victimized by Big Bad Man
Stays in Bad Relationship
Why not leave? Low self-esteem, desperate for acceptance, feels incomplete alone.
Solution: Become Independent, get acceptance from other sources, stop being pathetic and desperate, escape Bad Man and Abusive Relationship.
YES! I am woman, hear me snore, in shock waves too big to ignore. Now I am IN-dependent and not CO-dependent. No more men owning me, controlling me with my need for their love. Huzah.
Then after a while, ahem, um, hello? Anyone out there? Hmm, maybe I can have all the good with none of the bad. I will dictate terms and have a healthy adult relationship based on equality without any hint of control or need, from which I can walk away at any time no worse for leaving.
Then after a while, ahem,um, hello? Anyone out there? Hmm, maybe I really do want to be with someone after all. | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 5 | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:04:06 PM | It is hard to admit because for some of us it simply isn't true. You wouldn't want us to lie to be people pleasers, would you?
I don't think that everyone is like me. Why must people think I am just like them?
"we are "social animals" (even the introverts among us, and I am one) "
Yes, most of us need friends to be social with, but at the end of the night going home alone is what I want rather than going home with someone who isn't what I want to share my life with.
"and we (gasp) need each other for our very survival." - How many of us have a danger to our survival? If we become sick, yes, we need help. Day to day, what type of survival are we talking about here?
After a business day, often the quiet of no one is so peaceful.
"As humans, being, we need each other even more for any kind of comfort, peace, much less for bone-deep happiness, for joy. "
comfort, peace, much less for bone-deep happiness, for joy. " - a ll those things come from within us, and have nothing to do with others being there to make us happy, in my opinion.
I haven't seen a single friend since Nov. 4th., I am happy, and at peace. I have hurt my back. Can I deal with it myself. Certainly. Am I missing company? - no. I am just enjoying getting some rest, while waiting for my back to get back to normal. Could I have meet up with a several men who have asked - I could have but the idea just didn't appeal to me.
It never ceases to amaze me that we can tell the truth to one another, but so many don't listen, or don't hear. Why, - maybe because they don't like our answer that we have decided for ourselves. I don't understand that. I am quite happy to have people have in their lives be what they figure they want.
The only reason that I am not saying that I will never have anyone else in my life is because I don't believe in saying never because we don't know what the future will hold.
I can substitue "fur" animals for an s/o human animal in my daily life. Throw in good long term friends to have fun with every week or two, and I have everything I need. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:25:39 PM | I feel nothing...
Just kidding, I like this part, "I don't think that everyone is like me. Why must people think I am just like them?" That pretty much sums up my feeling on this. Sure we're pretty animalistic and this and that, social creatures, but seriously, NEED?? A friend of mine said awhile ago, he 'needed' a girlfriend. I then found out from a couple girl friends recently they found him too 'needy'. Call it denial, but independance is attractive to me. When a girl is too needy of my time, it makes me think she's going to play vampire with me, and drain me of my living essence.
I'm not 45 or over, sorry if I'm speaking out of place. I have a hard time with rules. :P
I like lots of people over 45 though, so cheers, if you're still miffed I'm on the forum, FA Q | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:29:09 PM | I have to agree, most people do need to have someone in their lives, but that really doesn't have to be a SO.. Friends, family are good and pets are too.
I think for me, by saying I don't need someone in my life, but I would want someone, that way if I don't get what I want, I won't feel needy... Hey what did I say? 
There is a fine line here, there are some people who never marry, stay single all their lives and are happy. Same with a lot of people who become widow/widowers late in life, they live the rest of their lives alone, and don't seem to need a SO.
I believe everyone needs people in their lives, just maybe not a SO. JMO | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:36:06 PM | Moraima, I'm sorry to hear about your back. From what I've read, it seem you are strong and independent. But November 4th was a while ago--Invite someone over for a coffee for a teeny visit. Or not. You say you're happy alone. So, best--just take care. I like what you post on forums.
Glory | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:03:07 PM | I don't have any problem admitting I need someone, it's just pointless. The trend now is to not need anyone. If I say I do, then I am too needy. Knowing this I figure it is pointless trying to be with someone who would require me not to need them. Turned around the other way, I have no interest in someone who will remain independent. As Madam M and others have said, here and elsewhere, a gazillion times on these boards, some people really don't need anyone. Being alone, I know I do not need anyone, either, not to survive. It seems like common usage has been thrown out with the bathwater, so that now to need someone is equivalent to abject codependency, neediness, an unhealthy condition. It is not understood to mean simply that I need someone in order to feel as I want to feel, to be happy together, and in love. If you said you needed sugar on your cornflakes, nobody would make a federal case out of it. So I think the reason people are averse to the word need now in this context is because it has been stigmatized. To need is bad.
Him: I need you
Her: Uh oh, that's no good, I'm outta here!
or
Him: I don't need you but you enhance my un-needy independence.
Her: Come here and get some sugar!
Who knows what word will become evil next year... | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:14:28 PM | Only have this to say about it...
People,
People who need people,
Are the luckiest people
In the world.
Sung by Barbra Streisand. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:17:46 PM | Geez even the definitions can we misunderstood:
need (nd)
n.
1. A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted: crops in need of water; a need for affection.
2. Something required or wanted; a requisite: "Those of us who led the charge for these women's issues ... shared a common vision in the needs of women" Olympia Snowe.
3. Necessity; obligation: There is no need for you to go.
4. A condition of poverty or misfortune: The family is in dire need.
v. need·ed, need·ing, needs
v.aux.
To be under the necessity of or the obligation to: They need not come.
v.tr.
To have need of; require: The family needs money. See Synonyms at lack.
v.intr.
1. To be in need or want.
2. To be necessary.
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Whew! Think I need an asprin  | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:32:17 PM | Wooby - I think people are afraid to say "I need" because it rings of desperation. Although that really isn't true. It's just that we have this image in our minds. This day and age, we boast about our self sufficiency, or independence, but at the end of the day, we can accomplish more together than on our own.
Being in a loving relationship gives us pure joy, and it revs up our inner peace. We pride ourselves in being able to "choose" our mates, rather than settle. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:41:32 PM | | I had to grew up on my own since I was 16...no mother (she past) father always working........I always was on the hunt for someone who can take care of me...a man....I always thought I can't be alone...I need someone. My neediness has cost me a lots of relationships in my earlier times and it also interfered in my first marriage. He did not want to be there for me nor for our son. I got out of that marriage because I NEEDED someone. Well...to make it a little shorter....I aint gotten anywhere and for a while I felt sooo sorry for myself. Years later I was in a long term relationship where my partner needed me more then I needed him....it turned out very bad.......abuse (I don't want to get into that). However....I couldn't stand someone needing me soooo much that I was not able to breathe anymore. So, I got out...some years later I felt the urge again that I needed a man in my life...so I got married again.......first 2 years he did not need me but I needed him............next 2 years I did not need him but he needed me.......next 2 years he needed me and needed a second woman...........last...I kicked him out. Since then I stayed away from relationships and found out that I only need me and my two children who don't live with me anymore. I made myself very comfortable since then and I feel now that I don't really need anyone ....but the loneliness I feel sometimes make me want someone to share life with but in a manner that the neediness on both sides is balanced. Respect, acceptance and knowing that we are who we are .....I don't need you but I want you. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:59:07 PM | Please don't anyone worry about me not seeing friends for 10 days. It has been a year for all of us that has been so busy with all the things that we have been trying to accomplish that we haven't spent too much time together. However, we all that that we are there for each other if there is a need. That is a very secure feeling.
Those who come from big families I can see want more company in their lives. I was an only child who moved to another country as a child. It is second nature for me not to have family around. The alone time is just the way it is, and that is perfectly ok. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:10:40 PM | I've got friends and family. I'm happy. I don't have to rely on anyone for a place to stay or to keep my car on the road. Anything I require, I generally have the means to provide for myself. I could easily say that I don't need anyone.
The best feelings have been knowing I was doing something for "us". The happiest I have been is doing things that make "us" happy or seeing "them" happy. I don't need soemone to survive or to be happy. I think happiness is better shared. To reach a point where accomplishment for "us" is more fulfilling than "me"; for that, I need someone. I don't have to give in or make sacrifices for that either. I might have to wait for the right person. With the right person, need is not a bad word. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:26:46 PM | words....words...words... so easily lead to misinterpretation. We each can read them differently, then find it so eas to judge others.
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Is only a heartbeat away
.....and I want someone in my life again too ! | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:35:28 PM | I also decided to look-up the words need AND want in the dictionary..this is what I found.....
NEED
Function: noun
Pronunciation: 'ned
Etymology: Middle English ned, from Old English nīed, ned; akin to Old High German nOt distress, need, Old Prussian nautin need
1 : necessary duty : OBLIGATION
2 a : a lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful b : a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism
3 : a condition requiring supply or relief
4 : lack of the means of subsistence : POVERTY
WANT
Main Entry: 2want
Function: noun
1 a : DEFICIENCY , LACK b : grave and extreme poverty that deprives one of the necessities of life
2 : something wanted : NEED , DESIRE
3 : personal defect : FAULT
synonym see POVERTY
Not much of a difference. Pretty subtle actually.
Depending on the slant of the intent of the use of the word that makes the difference to the person making that slant. As in..I NEED my kids..as I am OBLIGED to care for them. I WANT a man..as I DESIRE a man in my life. Am I OBLIGED to have a man in my life? NO! I guess for me..the dictionary wasn't necessary.....
Sounds to me that a few of the men are a little bitter..maybe personnal bad experiences. Was last years word HATER? Damn..missed that one.. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:35:50 PM |
I don't need soemone to survive or to be happy. I think happiness is better shared. To reach a point where accomplishment for "us" is more fulfilling than "me"; for that, I need someone. I don't have to give in or make sacrifices for that either. I might have to wait for the right person. With the right person, need is not a bad word
Thank you for saying that. I've been sitting here speechless since I first read this post with so many thoughts going through my head........but I couldn't put it into words.
The happiest relationship I had was one in which he needed me and I needed him and we both added something to each other's life by being there for each other.
And need was not a bad word between us!
Thanks for putting it into words for me! I just sat here dumb struck and that's very unusual for me......... | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:52:03 PM | what exactly do we want or need from a partner? I would say the predominate thing would be....affection. BUT is it a need?
I remember seeing a documentary about an american GI who returned to Vietnam to search for the baby he left behind. He went to many orphanages and the thing that struck me was that the children would crowd around him and he said....all they wanted from him was...a hug. Also the romanian orphanages a few years back, they talked about all these lost children who had nobody to hold them and give them affection...not thriving.
It seems that human beings, especially children and people with sickness, thrive when they have affection so it becomes a need. For us who are adults...is it a need? I think we probably would feel happier if we had affection. But many of us have families... who do fulfill that need. How does the love of a partner differ? Sex. Do we need sex? Well it sure is a human drive. But the love of a significant other is more. Its having true intimacy with another human. Wooby ...when it comes down to it....it really is a 'want.'...
We want that intimacy but we can survive without it.....we know we can. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 6:50:27 PM |
We want that intimacy but we can survive without it.....we know we can.
I think the word "want" is really not quite strong enough. Seems like it's more like a "longing" for the true intimacy you speak of. It may not reach the level of a need (as for survival), but I think it's more than just a "want". JMO  | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 7:03:03 PM |
We want that intimacy but we can survive without it.....we know we can.
Studies show we live significantly longer when we are partnered off. (could be because we eat better nutritious food)
Studies of other social species such as dogs and elephants show that they don't do well when not part of a pack. Of course we are the 'pack' for our domestic dogs. "Pet Therapy" for humans has always been about the intimate bond between the pet and the person. I think there just might be something to intimacy being a need for humans. Or maybe we need a word other than 'want' or 'need' to define what intimacy is to us.
I think it's great people are willing to discuss this.
JMHO | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 7:05:39 PM |
We want that intimacy but we can survive without it.....we know we can.
Survival, yes. It's not like we have a choice. It's good to be able to make lemonade out of lemons.
Live well, I am not so sure about.
Sure, there are substitutes, but it's not all in the same package. You have some emotional intimacy with one or two friends. The rest, it's social. And that's not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination.
But, it's not the same as being in a relationship with a intelligent, loving, kind, intuitive, compassionate man. One whose arms wrap around you when your eyes tear up. One who laughs with you so hardily,both your sides ache. That warmth that comes with knowing you are loved no matter what the day brings.
That special connection... it's magical. I miss it. I want it. I need it. When I find that guy, boy, he better look out! He will be enveloped in love.
But you see, saying that, makes most people think: 'needy', 'smothering', 'clingy', 'desparate', 'overwhelming'. It repells. It has the opposite effect it should have. So, we can't say things like that. Even if we feel it, inside. | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 7:12:31 PM |
I see the denial in/on all the forums, but it especially surprises me on this one: The Grownups Forum, lol! Anyone got any ideas about just *why* it's soooooooooooooo hard to come clean? And if we can't even admit it to ourselves, how likely that we'll ever be able to find the other?
Who wants to admit they are needy? :)
Check any profile on here under "interests/hobbies". How many people list masturbation? You'd think that would be right up there in the top five, if not number one. We are a species in denial.
On the other hand, I'm sure once you start talking with someone in private it doesn't take very long before they will tell you how much they miss being close with someone, touching etc.
If they start talking about how they masturbate, we use the 'block user' feature.  | |
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| Why is it so hard to admit. . . .
Posted: 11/14/2007 7:24:11 PM |
So, we can't say things like that. Even if we feel it, inside. No, because to be sincere and share what you are feeling would be an intimate encounter, the worst of all possible dating experiences. Better to hide behind the facade and appease the Sisterhood. | |
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