| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:05:48 PM | Short question
When you are single and ultimately would like a meaningful relationship, but it has been years since you had one. And you are offered a continuous multitude of options of varying degree.. what would you chose or do to stave off the boredom of being alone, the need for companionship and intimacy without sacrificing your own needs.
I find the 'opportunities' for any of those to much to sort through.
Not being a narcisassa here... just think it hard to decide when faced with opportunites for so many varied needs... and I find myself not wanting to get with any of them because I see to many pitfalls in choosing. | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:15:17 PM | | I would not do anything with someone else if it was to stave off boredom, or for companionship or intimacy. I would only do something with someone if it was to be with them, not to use them for a diversion or as a away to manage my mood. People aren't drugs to take or pastimes or toys. The way to be with someone is to be with them, however it works out well for the both of you. If there is no one specific individual in whom you have a sincere interest, then hang out with groups of people, do things with friends, wait until you do meet someone. | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:46:08 PM | Do nothing. Quite thinking in terms of opportunites and open up to what you want. Keep it in mind.
Just don't get stuck on the "first" one that seems almost what you want, but be specific, with yourself, and with you intention. | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 5:10:52 AM | | It's very difficult to know what you want, unless you know what's out there, and how you interact with it. You only find that out by getting out there. I am in this boat myself with dating, and have decided to date as often as possible, but not to take it farther than I would do casually. I take sex very seriously, so for me, that means dating, maybe kissing, no sex. I'm bound to upset a lot of women, as I can hold out quite long, but if I did anything else, I wouldn't be true to myself. | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 7:23:26 AM | One thing I noticed is that a lot of women want everything, so they end up with nothing. They want the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with, thus they end up alone. They want perfection, they end up with a room full of nothing.
Perhaps what you need to do is not so much define what you want, but what you want to DO. Then Do it. And if along the way you meet some interesting people, have fun with them. If it evolves into something, more power to you, if it doesn't, you enjoyed the moment. When you meet these people, be frank, tell them what's on your mind, so they don't feel lead on. That way, you both can have a good time. | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 8:44:35 AM | There's a saying, and I think in your case, it deserves some pondering:
If you don't know what you want...then, how do you know you don't already have it"? | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 8:47:39 AM | | Knowing what you want couldn't matter less because in every movie and TV show anytime someone makes a big deal out of wanting something, someone else tells them: That is what you want, but let's see if you want what you get. Or words to that effect. The point is, wanting is different than getting, so even if you wanted a thing when you eventually get it, it turns out to be something else, and there you are, not having what you wanted even if you knew what. This means that your chances of getting something good are probably better if you have no idea what you want. That way you would show up, get something and see if you want it once you have it. If so, jackpot, if not, try again. We are blessed with the logic of screenwriters. | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:22:25 PM |
Perhaps what you need to do is not so much define what you want, but what you want to DO. Then Do it. And if along the way you meet some interesting people, have fun with them. If it evolves into something, more power to you, if it doesn't, you enjoyed the moment. When you meet these people, be frank, tell them what's on your mind, so they don't feel lead on. That way, you both can have a good time. I could not agree more.
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 7:55:02 PM | OP,
You say on your page that you are looking for friends but the post sounds like you are thinking long term
When I look long term I realize that that starts by making short term work. Find someone that you find attractive then see if they can hold a conversation. From there if you can laugh together it's worth meeting. Once you get passed the sex issue and haven't yet found a good reason to kick them to the curb then see if it's got legs and teach it to walk.
It takes about 3 months till everyone is farting and you know the person behind the mask so enjoy the time. Don't get overly optomistic till you get past then. Don't settle for anything less than the whle thing.
J Mac
ps: like your sporty | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/15/2007 10:21:14 PM | Honestly, it sounds like you're in a fairly good place. You don't know what you want (presumably long-term), but you have a lot of "opportunities". I'd say start acting on some of those. If it feels right, keep it going. If not, well take another opportunity and try that for a while. Maybe you'll start to learn what you want.
Good luck! | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/16/2007 3:07:11 AM | I'm not sure I understand what youre asking
If ALL you want is a proper relationship then all you need to wait for is somene who wants the same and that you fancy like mad and can get on with surely?
You will find pitfalls and downsides in ANY dalliance, because most are going to fail after varying degrees of time anyway and all COULD fail so its no good looking for gilt edged bonded guarantees coz you wont find any
But also, the longer you sit being paranoid the more aware of "possible" downsides you will become till youre own doubts and fears will mean you will talk yourself out of ANY dalliance eventually
So the best thing to do is gently ease back into the game, spend time with non pushy, relaxed, unrushed people and just enjoy the ride
Because you also need to learn the things you DONT want, your own flaws and what works for you in a relationship before you can hope to find one that suits you perfectly
And the problem with that is you CANT figure any of those things out my ponderance whilst not dating, you have to actually try, and fail to know all of those things
Which involves needing to date in the first place
Try learning to play a musical instrument without out doing anything but reading books and thinking about it and you will start to understand what I mean | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/16/2007 3:16:26 AM | Otherwise you can just opt for more casual dalliances to provide the intimacy and closeness in between proper relationships which also give you the chance to find out all of those things but without the emotional involvement and risk of getting hurt each time you find something that doesnt work or come across a trait you cant tolerate or one you have yourself that others cant
After all, a casual dalliance can be whatever the two people want to be, and some I've had have been monogamous, fairly legnthy and have pretty much been no different to dating someone except that niether wanted it to actually go anywhere long term
So something like that can "fill the void" if you'll pardon the pun until you DO figure out exactky what you want
But being out there actively dating will make you find out what you want far quicker than sitting at home thinking about it will | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/16/2007 3:32:26 AM | the way i look at it is, there is no reason why you can't go out there, meet loads of cool new people and have fun [ and no that is not code word for sex] enjoy life its very short. If the right person comes along then you will know. To many people grab hold of the first person that comes along cause they are frightened of being alone, and then wonder why they end up in a bad relationship, personally i'd rather be alone forever than settle for less than i want, that click that chemistry. so i'd just go out enjoy yaself and i think ul know when something is right and just stop worrying so much everything in life has a risk, just see where things take you.  | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:30:35 PM | Thanks to all for your responses!
I agree with most and respect the thoughts of others as it pertains to them.
My thoughts last nite were based on the fact that I actually am being more proactive in meeting ppl lately. I usually either have a great feeling soon that I'd like to meet... albeit this is rare or I have my doubts as to whether meeting would be a waste of time for both me and the man.
If I meet someone and we don't click mutually, that's no problem, whether we continue to be 'buddies' on line or if not. I don't consider this a waste of time on either part, to me that is what getting out and meeting ppl is all about.
I have had a couple of those situations. I have also met men who I ended up just very good friends with, as well as men that I had a lot of fun with who aren't great friends, but good company from time to time.
Right now, although I stick by Friends as what I am searching for initially ( I will clarify that with, I have found by putting 'LTR' down, some men get mad if I am not eager to jump right into one.). I do eventually want to meet someone who I can have around when I'm old (er)..lol.
I am just thinking the 'serial' dating is not for me. I was satisfied with FWB's a couple times in my life, but I want more at this time.
I should've put in my subject "I don't know what I want, but I know what ultimately, I DON'T want." I am pretty particular on what I know that I can accept in a potential 'mate'.
My original thoughts in starting this point were centered on a certain man I can't wait to meet and will meet soon! I think I'll just wait for him... he ROCKS! Although I didn't include those thoughts in my post.
Thanks again for your input, I DID see myself in different parts of my life in what most everyone said and it gave me a calming feeling to look back and realize, I am following the right track for me at this time.
Peace
Kari | |
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| What to do when you don't know what you want??
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:43:03 PM | [One thing I noticed is that a lot of women want everything, so they end up with nothing.]
"OutMind" have I dated you? This statement or sentiment was told to me when I ended two relationships. My sister was told that when she refused to take her cheating husband back. Interesting.
When some people are not getting what they want and opt to change, this sentiment is stated to put this thought into the head of the other person... " You are unreasonable and will never be happy as your expectations are too high because I don't meet them". Yah what ever!
Enough said.
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