| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 8:09:23 PM | | Ok, I dated this girl for 8 months. She has a alittle girl who I grew attached to. We broke up and we haven't spoken in 5 months. Last weekend she finds me and wants to talk in person to talk about why and what happened and insists to bring her daughter because she knows I love her to death. Anyway, she does teh ol "U didn't deserve what I did, I have been thinking and dreaming of you and when I'm wish someone I comare them to you and would like to hang out again" kinda crap. So I'm thinking she found herself and would like to date again. Days later we talk some more and talk about dating and she says she just wants to be single, but would like me to be back in her daughters life. Thats fine and all, but its uncomforable to visit the daughter while still having feelings for this girl. So I ask if it would bother her if I just visit her daughter on the weekends she is with the father, because I know the father and he is fine with it. I figured it would be better to have no drama around the kid. An hour later I get a text saying she doesnt want to speak to me again. What the hell? Why would she be mad about that if what she says is true? Did i miss something? | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 8:24:52 PM | | Better to visit the child at her fathers, but be consistant. If you make promises to the child, keep them. It's not just adults that get hurt in all this, wish more parents would realize this. Good luck. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 8:29:35 PM | | Sounds like she is using your feelings for her daughter to keep you around as a back up, when she is between relationships. I have been through something like this years ago, when I got involved with a widower with two little girls, I loved them so much, and let him treat me so bad, he used those girls like bait to hook women. It took me five years of major drama to finally walk away from all of that emotional blackmail. I thought I would never get over missing those girls, but life went on, and fortunately I have been able to still have some contact with them without the drama with their father, but I had to distance myself emotionally and physically. If she wanted you around for her daughters sake like she says, she wouldn't have a problem with you seeing her at her dads. Why don't you just go through him and visit her? It is sick that people would use their children in this way! Best of luck to you. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 8:35:34 PM | The time that this little girl spends with her father is their time to be a 'family', whatever form that takes. Why would you want to interfere with that? If you show up, it will only confuse her. Way too many kids are growing up these days with single parents and they have difficult issues to deal with. Many kids hope their parents will get back together, and some of them think that they did something to cause their parent's breaking up. It's not easy for them to work through all these things and still find time to be an innocent kid and just enjoy growing up. It won't be easy for you to walk away from this little girl, but I think it'd be in her best interest if you did. Moms and their kids are package deals. This is just my opinion, but I've been there, done that. 
The part that you missed? The woman was playing you.
Pink | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 8:36:38 PM | | She is using you, and in the long run both you and her daughter will get hurt. I think it is best for you and the daughter for you to put an end to this. Good Luck! | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 8:51:24 PM | Because what she said wasn't true......she knows your feelings for the little girl and would have used that to manipulate you .....
when you tried to protect your feelings she was having none of that....how selfish to dandle the little girl as bait.....she is doing both you and her daughter a disservice by playing with both your feelings.... | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:09:31 PM | It sounds like she wants you on her terms, and is now using her daughter to get what she wants.
If you really feel the need/want to keep in touch with the daughter, see her at her Father's if he is genuinely ok with this and this will not create drama for the child.
God knows what she'll tell the child......the most important element/person is the child.
Best,
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:10:43 PM | A better question to you is : what the hell is wrong with you if you would even consider another minute with her?
She definately is not healthy. she sounds psycho...RUN! she broke your heart once, and she should be sheltering her child from her dating life...not making you out to be the childs friend. it is wrong. she is using you.
you treat people how to treat you. she dumped you after 8 months...walked out of your life for 5.....then returned. and proved to be just as unstable. The best predictor of behavior is former behavior. You don't deserve it. RUN!!!!!!
AND....you have zero obligation to the child. except to turn the mom into child protection if the child is in any way not being cared for properly. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:23:30 PM | The response from Praireiphotos says it best.
Majority of female responses to your question come from the heart and what-would-I-want belief ... yet if she is playing you as you've stated then dude, you know already the answer - need to forfeit her and the daughter unforunately.
You're being the bigger man by standing by her side and yet she seems to be taking you for granted or her Plan 'B' ... damn sad considering she has a child that you adore and want. If the father was truly there as you are ...
Her disdain affects not only you.
Best to you my friend. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:40:57 PM | | Ok. I agree with some of what the other posters said, with the exception of Pink Rose Lady. My belief is that the more people that a child has in their life, that cares about him or her, the better. If you truly are on friendly terms with the father, and he is okay with you visiting when the child is there, I see no harm in it. As she gets older, you may be the "uncle" type that she can discuss things with that she can't go to her parents about. If you can bring another positve role model into her life, that is awesome. As for the ex, all I can say is that she sounds a little needy, controlling and confused. Avoid her at all costs, if possible. Good luck! | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:42:34 PM | I don't think you missed anything. I think you called her bluff. She wanted friends with benefits, and was using her daughter to leverage in. You came up with a very logical solution that was in the best interests of the child, and her ego was hurt.
That's my take on it. Sorry. That stinks. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/17/2007 11:07:59 PM | | woah..I know you love the daughter to death, but she isn't your daughter and all this will do is cause some major drama! Run away while you still can! Save yourself the trouble. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 3:14:43 PM | Without sounding too harsh, she is not your daughter!
As lovely and as loyal and dedicated as you seem to be, it's not healthy for you or the little girl to carry on seeing eachother.
Lets say this lady had a dog (unfair comparison I grant you but the principle is still the same) you wouldnt continue to visit it and take it treats would you?!!!????!!!
The daughter is something that belongs to this lady and not to you. The fact that she is playing emotional ping pong with her daughter is her problem/issue. Just thank your lucky stars that you dont have to deal with it anymore.
What happens if you meet someone on here or elsewhere, fall head over heels in love and decide to start a family? You will have to stop seeing here then. Better to let her down now than have her waiting at her farthers for your weekend visit that wont materialise.
It sounds like you are a lovely man who deserves your own little family. The clue is in the sentance, YOUR own family.
Sorry if I have offended x | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:25:50 PM | | Dont give her any more ammo. She has a father that mommy will be busy posioning her against. Continuing any relationship with the daugther, especially colluding with the girls father will only bring unneeded drama and harm to the child. Dont be a party to the abuse she has already shown she is capable of inflicting. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 6:20:33 PM | You missed the most important thing of the lot Andrew.
You love her. She doesn't love you.
I'm not going to come out with a cliche like "snap out of it" Nobody just "snaps" outof it. There's far more to it than that.
But the bottom line is that she doesn't love you.
What to do about it? I'd be a very wealthy man if I knew the answer to that one | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 6:21:27 PM | Good question, one that you probably won't figure out. What I got out of your post was something a little different, she was playing you, knowing that you cared about her daughter and if you think more about it what better weapon use to get you to were the mother wanted you, where ever that is...
When you told her that you would visit her daughter on same weekends as the little girls father took here, that didn't give the mother what ever she was after, so the response you got was because you didn't fall for her game plan, again what ever that was...
Maybe, if she could of gotten you to watch her daughter on the days the father didn't have her, that could give the mother another day off to do what she wanted to do, what ever that was.. lol.... do you see the game here?
To be honest, I have seen people use their children like this before. Man, I hope I am not coming across as some internet guru, that is not my intention. Just trying to help out the situation, and I hoped I helped.
If I am possibly correct on this, just be glad you didn't fall for the game plan, whatever that was, lol! You are smarter than what you give yourself credit for, you out smarted her! Bravo!
Don't worry about the little girl, it seems she has a father that loves her, for he comes and gets her, so that says he loves her!
Wish you well,
Chela | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl/guy.
Posted: 11/18/2007 6:40:24 PM | Pardon me Andrew. I just gotta gender reverse this one to seee what it looks like.
Old habit of mine for when the girls start griping about the guys. After all fair is fair.
Ok, I dated this guy for 8 months. He has a alittle girl who I grew attached to. We broke up and we haven't spoken in 5 months. Last weekend he finds me and wants to talk in person to talk about why and what happened and insists to bring his daughter because he knows I love her to death. Anyway, he does teh ol "U didn't deserve what I did, I have been thinking and dreaming of you and when I'm wish someone I comare them to you and would like to hang out again" kinda crap. So I'm thinking he found himself and would like to date again. Days later we talk some more and talk about dating and he says he just wants to be single, but would like me to be back in his daughters life. Thats fine and all, but its uncomforable to visit the daughter while still having feelings for this guy. So I ask if it would bother him if I just visit his daughter during the week she is with her mother, because I know the mother and she is fine with it. I figured it would be better to have no drama around the kid. An hour later I get a text saying he doesnt want to speak to me again. What the hell? Why would he be mad about that if what she says is true? Did i miss something?
Ok ladies. it's gender reversed. Would you date a guy who messed you round like this.? | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 7:03:25 PM | | Don't walk away - run. This girl is not worth your time. Unfortunately, when ever kids are involved, they get hurt too. Fortunately, this is not your child and not your responsibility. Find the right girl,have a family of your own, be a good husband and father and be glad you left the mess behind. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl/guy.
Posted: 11/18/2007 7:20:09 PM | | crayonzz, I think all the women on here were also telling Andrew to run as fast as he could away from this person and the situation. Most women have had something like this happen to us at one time or another so we are in complete sympathy with Andrew. No one wants to deal with a psycho, male or female. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 7:40:41 PM | | Sounds like a soap opera in the making here.Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much drama.Be happy for the time you had and move on. Life is too short and you sound like way too much of a nice guy for the drama. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 8:22:06 PM | Yeh - you missed what a user she is, and how she is co-opting you into helping to pass her damaging emotional behaviour along to her daughter.
She lays all this crap on you about how you didn't deserve how she treated you, but it's all bullshit - it's about her getting something for her daughter, through lies and mischaraterizations.
I would say that she is conflicted towards you - she hasn't and won't decide where you stand with her, so she's a prime candidate for sleeping with you and then dumping you again. Meanwhile, she just wants you around as an option, as well as to accessorize her likely unhealthy relationship with her child.
However, when it doesn't work out the way SHE wants it, her true colours come out - it's not about her daughter at all, it's about her. After playing yo-yo with her daughter's emotions, what do you think she's telling her NOW?
The only way to deal with this is in a by-the-book emotionally responsible way - save your honest inconsistencies for a new girlfriend, because there's nothing worse than reliving past failures, for all concerned.
I'd suggest talking to the child's Dad, since you seem to have an amazingly cool rapport with him. Since she brought you back into the equation, ask him how the two of you should handle it. I see no reason to ask the mother's permission to do this. Pop by the Dad's so that you do at least remain in reach for this child, and that she understands this is about adults having difficulties realting, not her value as a person. If the Mom brought you back into it, then cut you off again like that, then it's your and the kid's father's right to work out how to be fair to the child - as long as you're not stirring up too much shit in the process.
I don't envy you this one, it sounds tough. I'd be ready to let the whole thing slide eventually, because there are too many cracks to fall in here - like getting played against the Mom by the Dad. I don't mean to be cynical, or cast aspersions on people I don't know, so please take all I am saying with a pinch of generalization, so to speak.
It's just we've all seen this kind of stuff, right? It's a shame you can't just sit down with your ex here and have some straight talk - she sounds like a real door slammer. | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 8:42:45 PM | | I am a woman and she is full of sh@!#t. She is playing games to see if she can control you. Leave that fool alone or the real question will be: " What the hell is wrong with you!" | |
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| What the hell is wrong with this girl.
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:28:40 PM | Obviously she is a person better left out of your life as has been said previously.
As to the child... well if you had asked my opinion 17 yrs ago when I met the man I was ended up being with for 6 yrs .. I may have given a different reply.
His story was, he met a pregnant girl, and treated her child as he would his own. When she left him 2 years later, he was more heartbroken over the child. But she told him if he wanted to be in her life, he would have to pay child support.
He decided that was blackmail and that whomever the mom eventually got with would be the girl's Dad. Apparently the woman didn't know who the real father was.
Sad thing for both he and I was, the lil girl was a part of his family as his sister was once married to the woman's brother. One time we went to visit his parents and the lil girl was there and all the kids glommed on to me at the time and she followed suit.
I could see the pain he felt and did my best to distance this very vivascious child from me as she followed her cousin who followed me around all the time.
It broke my heart.. I think he made the right descion at the time. But, when he first told me about it, I felt he was the only father she had known and was likely to have that truly loved her.
It is a hard call and a good example as to why, when not totally committed, ppl with children should think first about how their child and the person they are getting with will feel if it ends.
The whole thing about the father of the child allowing the other man to share time is not unusual and as long as they both are ok with it, the kid gets a bonus as to another person that cares.
My niece, after having no father figure in her young life, now has a good relationship with her own father and her step father, and thru the step father, she has been a positive influence on her younger step brother.
All just examples as to how everyone looks and and deals with things differently.
Using a child to hold on to someone is however a HUGE 'no no' in my book.
Best of luck OP.. but I hope you chose to diss the ex. She sounds like she wants two men she can ship her daughter off too and maybe have one (you) hanging on while she is out shopping.
But then, I am by know means anyone who has the degree to say.. just sharing my life's experiences on the matter. | |
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