| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:24:37 AM | This thread may be deleted as a "self pity" thread but I Want to tell my story And get some advice on how to heal. I do have some issues that I'm working on personally.
But it lays out like this. I'm 39. Had a heart attack at 27 and am now on disability due to the problem being aggravated.
I met a woman 4 years ago and were engaged t be married for the last 2 years. My problems have been a depression on top of and due to the heart thing for a very long time now.
This yr. my brother in law died in Feb. of cardiac arrest. My mother died on her 63rd birthday after fighting cancer for 8-10 months. My ex fiancee's mother died in Aug of heart related illness. 3 weeks later my fiancee left.
She owes me $4K for repayment of debt. The full strory is She had $ from her previous divorce. (married the same man twice. Had 2 kids w/him. She didn't have a very loving and warm childhood. Father was cold. Mom did what he said.)
Any way, her money was locked up in A 401k and mine could be taken out of the nest egg(sale of my home) for her bankruptcy after the divorce. She got a DUI that either I helped out or the woman I love is stuck in jail. I paid to cover her previous debts while She was trying to get squarely on her feet 6 mos.-1yr after her divorce which is when we got together. And in this past year paid her atty. fees and court costs for her to get custody changed over to her and her kids.
All of this was done that with the understanding that when we bought "our " new house we would pull the money out of the 401k and pay the penalty. She left, took her personals, our community property and a few of my unimportant personals. She also kept the $2500 diamond engagement ring and took the receipts and paperwork with it when I wasn't home.
I changed the locks, the bills, accts. and lease. I also am holding furniture that is her's and decided and told her that when she wanted to step up and act w/some honor and integrity we would divide things up equally. I get mine, she gets hers, 1 last meeting and its all done. She has made no effort to make the steps needed to finalize the break-up.
It's only been 2 months now since she left. Tonight was an annual party that's been going on for 12 years. All close family and friends. She wanted to bring a date and the hosts said that wouldn't be cool. So she "hooked up" with a guy at the party, during the party.
Most everyone was appalled and told me so but said or did nothing to her about her behavior and everyone keeps telling me that I just need to be the classy, nice guy and not let it bother me but I feel crushed. I also feel that she could be having an identity or mid life crisis and right now she doesnt resemble the woman I fell in love with. After tonight she's behaving very immaturely and more resembles a $2 whore than my bride to be.
Now, like I said I'm 39, she's 37 we've both had our share of relationships. I put more into this one then any other ever. She wouldn't get counselling individually or together but I'm getting my own.
What I don't get is how did I go from man she wanted to marry to worst enemy that she has & take everything I have and rubs my nose in the pain? Why is she running from one man to the next so soon after she left? I think the count is 3 different guys in these 2 mos.
Why can't she just finish her relationship w/me straightforwardly? How do I let go of the pain and her?
How do I turn the other cheek again? What do I do to avoid wanting payback or vengeance? How do I approach the money and stuff issues now that we're not talking? Are these people truly my friends or just don't want to get involved and choose sides? How do I stop loving and caring about her? Ladies? What do you think? How do I cope w/all this? | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:08:41 AM | Sir, I can tell you this...I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I know you want answers from the ladies, but I want to tell you MY story just to let you know you are not alone.
My story is different, but very similar. I haven't had an easy life. My childhood wasn't abusive, but hard. I wasn't very popular growing up. My father was a teacher, now retired, and my mother worked for a newspaper. We didn't have alot of money. We never wanted for the basics...food, clothes, warm bed, etc., but there weren't alot of extras.
I didn't date much. Hardly at all really. I had like, 3 dates my entire adolesence. Two of those were flukes, and the other she left the dance with one of my friends. Didn't meet a girl in college like most do. After college I worked in radio, then became a teacher and in 2002 joined the Air Force as and officer.
It was the first time in my life that I was on my own. Ended up making some great friends, bought a condo and a brand new Jeep, got involved in the community and was finally happy.
In Oct. of 2005 I met a gorgeous divorcee. She had two kids. She was a teacher and in Nov. I was part of an Honor Guard detail that performed at her school on Veteran's day. I gave her my phone number then. She text messaged me that night. On Nov. 16, 5 days later, she asked me out. Ended up having dinner at my place. On the 19th, a Saturday, she called me up and came over and we got intimate. SHE came on to ME, not vice versa.
The next weekend she asked me to spend the night at her house. She picked me up and drove me there saying that she didn't want her ex to find out because he was mean and I might get hurt. After round one she informed me not to get attached to her because all she wanted was friend with benefits. I was fine with that, at the time.
Well, we started dating, and by Christmas time she was telling me she loved me. I ignored it at first, but we were together constantly and the more she said it the more I believed.
In April of 2006 I found out I was loosing my job, and asked her where it was all going. She said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me so I was trying desperately to find a good job in the area so I could stay with her.
Our relationship had been rough. She had two teenage children who didn't like me, so we never did anything as a whole. She'd also disappear for a weekend and have some lame excuse as to what she had been up to. She'd always make me feel bad by accusing me of cheating on her when I had never given any reason. We'd break up and get back together constantly.
In September, I got offered a job back in Ohio. So I sold my house and moved. (I was living in TN at the time, close to her). She convinced me we should stay together. Well, in January 2007, I went to TX for 4 months for training. During this period, I found out that she was sleeping around. I had a break down. Started realizing all the things she had done while we were together.
She is 10 years older than me (I'm 36) and claimed I was only the 2nd person she'd ever been with. Made up all sorts of lies while we were together, and basically treated me like crap. I was devestated. Had nightmares, and hallucinations and lost my marbles. Lost my job because I couldn't concentrate.
Now I'm in a new city with a new job and I'm still having problems. We have been fighting ever since the breakup in January. She still maintains innocence. Whatever. It ended in Feb. but wasn't over until this past October when I went to TN (for another reason) and showed up at her house. She had been calling and text messaging me but told me she had "met" someone about a month earlier. I told her it was over. Not to contact me in anyway. Haven't heard from her since. Friday would have been the 2nd anniversary of our first date.
Like you, I planned on marrying this woman. I was very much in love. She was beautiful, had money, and was alot of fun. But when it comes down to it, she wasn't the person I thought she was. I've been desperately trying to get her to admit to what she has done, but she never will. Neither will yours.
They've been hurt, and nothing will ever fill that void. She was just scared (both of them) and won't allow themselves to get close again. They jump from guy to guy and don't ever let them get control of the situation. It's how they avoid getting hurt.
I can tell you this my friend, nothing is going to make them change, and nothing will take your hurt away. Like me, you will always love the person you thought they were, but you'll hate the person that they actually are. The first thing that you must accept is: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I cannot stress this enough. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. NOTHING!!! So try and move past that. Don't let it ruin your life. Take some time off. Don't date for a while or you'll end up just like her. Bouncing from lover to lover trying to kill the pain and just hurting those who care about you. If she's a 2 dollar whore, why do you care? You shouldn't.
Just live your life. Become the person you want to be. Someday someone will come along and stay. Everything happens for a reason. I have to believe this because, if not, then nothing really matters. People enter our lives for a reason. When that reason is fulfilled then they leave. Perhaps these women were in our lives to get us to our real soulmates. To teach us a lesson about love.
I could go on about what she did to me, but you get the point. I know this doesn't make the pain go away, but trust me, each day you live it gets easier. You aren't the first/only/last man to ever fall in love and have his heart broken. And it makes you gun shy. I don't even really want to date. Just looking for adult conversation. But I truly believe one day I'll find someone who is right for me.
We've both learned a valuable lesson: Not to let love blind us. We now know the warning signs and can cut our losses sooner. Try not to think about what or who she is doing. Enjoy your freedom and live each day as if it were your last. You never know, it just might be.
I hope this has helped.
Stambo | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:39:00 AM | Wow! I guess short answer is stop thinking that she or anyone around you is gonna necessarily care how you feel. Yes, it would be nice, but you can't delay your own healing waiting for it. Instead of dwelling on all the ways you think these loose ends could be tied up to your satisfaction, write 'em off, and take some serious time trying to figure out how you missed the warning signs, 'cause you did! Both of these women were ALWAYS this person. You overlooked it somehow. Is it because you're a man who likes to have someone to take care of? Is it because you were getting sex? Is it because she stroked your ego or always made you feel really good?
These threads are usually very distressing to me because there are a lot of women out there who use men and think little of it. And somehow, they keep getting men! I'd give you some warning signs but it's not likely you'd heed them so it's best that you figure out on a personal level where you went wrong with these women and do your best to avoid it again. Hint: It almost always involves sex or money - men's weaknesses - and lots of women know how to use them! When either of those are involved, go in with your eyes wide open, and keep your HEAD (the one on top of your neck) in the game! | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:16:27 PM | Wow. Just,,,,,,,,,,wow.
I emphasize with your personal problems, but dont go all trying 2 be a grown womans saviour | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 3:29:36 PM | Well always sorry to hear when some one ends up on the ruble of their own life. No fun. No fun at all.
How to cope? One day at a time. Slowly. Cautiously. With some acceptance you did not get there with out feeding the wolf. But some realization that you were involved with a wolf. Give yourself a little credit you survived. Keep your eyes open when future wolves come into your field of vision and keep them as far away as possible. Don't ever kid yourself you could try to learn and conquer; you may not survive the next encounter. Are all women wolves no. There are nice ladys out there just like you sound like you might be nice men given the right circumstances.
For the OP count your blessings that what you lost was so minor. Certainly less than what you would have had you gotten further down that drain hole. It sounds cruel your friends let you see her in "action" but maybe that was the reality check you needed.
I have said it before..." never EVER get in a relationship because you think you have flaws so you have to accept those of others." You don't ever have to apologize for a Disability. Word to wise it does hang "meal ticket here" sign on your chest to many of the best con artists in the world so be doubly careful.
Always avoid deals that are obviously so unbalanced in any sense of fairness. "I will pay you back later" NEVER HAPPENS. Sounds crude but some Women place exactly the value on there ass that you do. If you are willing to give something to get "sumthin sumpthin" don't expect to get a refund later. A whore is a whore; you act like a John you pay like a John. Just count your blessing she doesn't have a pimp or the cops in the bargain.
ANY PERSON who is not your spouse who is manipulateing your money or the system to get your resources with out being fully vested in the process should IMMEDIATELY send you a sick feeling and you have to LISTEN to it. I know the "M" word scares the devil out of a lot of a lot of people but just as many get screwed in unwritten deals as marriages. At least you have a few protections in marriage. Both the OP and the second poster would have had some protections. Courts don't take kindly to gold diggers. Least with a lawyer you would have had a chance. It makes popular myth but guys who play fair usually recover much quicker and more fully than women in most divorces. INMHO Any person that comes to the table with debts should be respectable enough to sign a prenup.
99% of the time undesireable people have a track record. Don't buy their version. Back up, look around, ask serious questions, and watch how they deal with the current crisis. I can just about guarantee there will be more. People who get their messes cleaned up for them learn NOTHING. Any person who is hot to shack up, satisfy your carnal needs, or hand you the instant family before you and they have a year into the relationship is a BUM/BUMETTE. Being a banker never makes you a HERO it makes you a debt collector and sours any relationship.
What about the pain? All I can say is be glad you can still feel. It means at least part of you is still working. You would be a lot worse off if you didn't give a hoot.
Taking a time out from dateing is really smart. I wouldn't make it too long; you don't want to get too comfortable in your "rut" but investing in yourself for a year is not a bad idea. Add a skill, make a fitness goal, do something that is really better done as a single person. Discover something that is uniquely you. Improve your family relationships and social circle. There is strength in numbers. You can have better places to go, more perspective, balance and over all better emotional and financial health with a year or so solo.
Try to put this thought in your mind and eventually your heart will follow...Spring shall always come again." Have a gentle winter and know prayers are with you. | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:01:12 PM | I know a friend who had a similar story..woman found fornicating a motorcycle gangmember, husband picks up all five kids and slaps her with divorce paper.
My friend fell in lust with her..he loan her $15,000.00 for lawyers fees to get her kids back. Not only did the ex get the kids but he left the state with them with the courts blessings and went back to his hometown. So the $15,000 went to a lawyer who finally got her visitation rights every now and then.
She had no job to speak of and obsessed over this...motorcycle gang member who by the way is married and has children of his own..
My friend would drop at her feet and kiss them...because ...of her smile..he said she had a nice smile and would do just about anything for her..
He bought her a van..once she is able to see the kids and take them places...just another fantasy between them..
Now he is foreclosure of his home because the fund he gave her was the funds he needed to keep the house payments and taxes paid. He had to leave the state to find another position that pays good wages to pay off back taxes. ..
Tough luck..for a smile.. | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:17:55 PM | You made your bed, now you gotta lie in it. Cut your losses and move on. Just remember there are (2) sides to every story. You just told yours. We haven't heard hers. What's your part in it? Take responsibility for "your" part. I know it's easier said than done but in order to move on that's what your going to need to do. You reap what you sow. You're sick. She's sicker.
Take care, | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:29:17 PM | Gregsky....
Sometimes things are a blessing in disquise. There were lots of red flags here but sometimes we are so into the relationship we dont see them. Been there myself. Let it go... Try to keep yourself busy, make yourself busy even when you dont feel like doing anything. Keep your chin up , time heals... Good luck. | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 7:29:02 PM | | You say you're in counseling. Stay there and work these issues out with your therapist. As for the money, either get a lawyer or research what it would take to get her into small claims court and sue for breach of contract. She owes you money and obviously is not going to pay it back if she can help it. Make it so she HAS to pay it back or face some kind of punishment. It's tough to be in this kind of situation. All I can say is sometimes you have to fight for what is yours. As for the woman, at the least she's totally insensitive, at worst she's got some major issues going on in her own life that you don't need to deal with. | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/18/2007 9:15:35 PM |
You say you're in counseling. Stay there and work these issues out with your therapist. As for the money, either get a lawyer or research what it would take to get her into small claims court and sue for breach of contract. She owes you money and obviously is not going to pay it back if she can help it. Make it so she HAS to pay it back or face some kind of punishment. It's tough to be in this kind of situation. All I can say is sometimes you have to fight for what is yours. As for the woman, at the least she's totally insensitive, at worst she's got some major issues going on in her own life that you don't need to deal with.
I agree with this post.
To the OP: as much as you are hurting now, be VERY THANKFUL that all of this happened before you married her. | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/19/2007 2:29:55 AM | I'd like to thank each and every one of you for responding to this rambling. I am and will take some, if not most, of the advice that's been posted.
To the one young lady asking me to take responsibility for my end of things. I believe I'm trying to do just that. Your sensitivity is underwhelming. I'd be interested in hearing her side of the story as well.
For all who empathized and shared yourself. It's not a sex thing by any means and I thought that We'd had all the pertinent discussions in regards to planning our life together. I knew she had issues but I did want to be a knight and point her in the direction she needed to go to get help for herself.
I will continue to seek help and therapy and while I do want to remain social for my own sanity. I don't believe I'm the same "great catch" I was and think I'll stay away from dating for awhile. No need to perpetuate pain and suffering.
Thank you all again and please know that I can't have too many friends or friendly support. Feel free to drop me a line and check in if I don't see you in the forums. Peace and God bless each of you and your endeavors. | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:43:51 AM | Honestly, it sounds like all along, she was simply looking for a man with a stash of money put aside (money he could get his hands on easily) and you just happened to be available at the time.
She went along with the whole charade for however many years it took her to get herself out of trouble, and then she split. The fact that she took material possessions from your home as her first order of business, is very telling as to what kind of person she always was.
You aren't going to get the ring back, (it's already been sold) and you aren't going to get back any of your stuff. She doesn't care about the furniture, keep it or sell it to recoup some of your losses. She never had any intention to pull money from her 401K. You could try to sue her in small claims court, but if you didn't get anything in writing from her, it's pretty much your word against hers. There are different laws in different states about the engagement ring, you could find out what Georgia's laws are about that or if there are any. Some states, she'd keep it if YOU broke up with her, and in some states she'd have to give it back regardless. Some states see breaking an engagement as breaking a contract and would force her to give it back.
The way she's behaving now isn't new, this is who she is. She pretended to be someone she wasn't for a very long time to get you to get her out of the bind she was in, and now you are seeing who she really is. People don't change and become "bad" overnight. Bad people can "pretend" to be good, but no truly good and decent person "goes bad" like she has. A good and decent person doesn't change their entire value system the way she seems to have.
You can't save anyone from themselves...from now on don't let anyone know if you have money available and they won't zero in on you as a target for their "fundraising." | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:03:42 AM | | THREE THINGS 1) WATCH OR READ SOME PASTOR JOEL OSTEEN 2) START TAKING ST. JOHN'S WORT THIS IS GREAT FOR HELP WITH DEPRESSION 3)AS I BECOME OLDER I COME TO REALIZE THAT OUT OF THE SEVEN DAYS A WEEK THERE'S JUST TWO DAYS YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT. (YESTERDAY & TOMORROW)! YOU HAVE A GREAT HEART AND LOVE HAS A VOICE OF IT'S OWN BUT YOU NEED TO MAKE BETTER DECISIONS! MY THE FOREST BE WITH YOU! | |
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| Questions w/no answers. How do I cope?
Posted: 11/25/2007 7:36:39 AM | | May the forest be with him? I just hope he can see the forest for the trees and realize that this woman was a fraud all along. She didn't just suddenly become one. | |
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