| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 9:31:53 AM | Two friends of mine have been together for over a year and seem like the happiest couple. They go everywhere together, go to concerts, gigs, films, dinner all the date-y stuff and cook together and go to a lot of parties with their mutual friends. From the outside they seem to have it all and some of us are quite envious!
Recently she confided in me that when she stays at her own place (without him) she wakes up in the morning feeling guilty and not in love and thinking she must end the relationship and this happens a few times a week. She says that by the afternoon/ evening this feeling is replaced with a need to see her boyfriend and feelings of love. When she is with him she is always happy.
She has asked me for advice but I dont know what to tell her. I thought maybe she's feeling a little smothered by the relationship as it seems to be fairly full on.
Any opinions? | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 9:34:03 AM | Sounds like your friend knows herself well,and she just has to learn to trust her instincts more.
No one should feel guilty about being in a relationship.So if your friend feels this way,
it's only fair to her partner that she be honest with him.
It's obviously not a match made in Heaven. | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 9:47:00 AM | I would say its true love....and she is having that fear of actually getting what ya want, and being afraid your unworthy...
Like when i won the lotto....i was wrapped...but the next day i gave it all away, because i felt i didnt deserve to be happy.....i was wrong...but it felt good at the time.  | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:13:33 AM | Your friend needs to consider where her feelings of guilt are coming from.
Is there a secret she's hiding that would change her partners view of her?
Does she feel inadequate and unworthy of a fabulous relationship?
Is there something about her partner that she dislikes a lot but is pretending that there is no concern?
Is she just unable to accept the relationship as is and is wanting to control the inevitable ending she sees in her future?
Above all she should be aware that no matter how perfect, how wonderful it may be; there are no guarantees. All relationships are a leap, a chance, a hope and a dream. The only definite we have is to end it now, but isn't it worth the risk to stick it out and enjoy the ride.
Try telling her to live for the joys of today and not create worries for tomorrow.
Hope this helps.
DD | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:02:09 PM | It seems a bit odd that she only feels these feelings when she is with him.
Does she feel this way about her friends or family? Did she feel this way about all of her boyfriends who were similar to him? Did she have a similar boyfriend?
Sorry, but this reminds me of another forum poster, and all of her questions clearly stem from her insecurities, and never experiencing a happy relationship before. | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:05:35 PM | | Maybe there is some sort of chemical imbalance or depression. Its curious that she perks up every time she sees him... It would be worth looking into... | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:17:27 PM | My advice would be to wait and see. Sometimes temporary stuff comes up that seems like a big deal but just fades away. Or the reason may become apparent. I have 2 guesses at reasons:
1) She might be one of those people who gets very lonely, hates to be alone, needs external stimuli all the time -- kind of needs to be in a relationship - but the one she's in isn't that good so when she gets space, she's breathing a sigh of relief at the pressure being taken off, before her personality kicks in and starts going "I'm bored, I'm lonely...". Guilt could be because she realises it's not so much about him but the fact that he fulfils her need to be with *someone*.
2) She might just be the kind of person who *needs* alone time to feel normal. If her bf does not have this need then she may feel suffocated by not getting the time she needs and feels guilty about needing that time because he would think that her need for time alone was an indication that she didn't love him and she may even be afraid of that herself -- being suffocated and not getting time if you do need it can certainly build up resentment.
Please note: this is wild hypothesising based on very limited facts. I would encourage her to ask herself "what if...?" type questions and be very very very wary of expressing any opinion at all because it's important that she takes responsibility for making her choices - she is the one in the relationship so she has the most information on what is actually going on and the best placed to decide what to do about it. | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 8 | |
| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:30:03 PM | Whew...one sided hearsay...and you're seeking life-altering advice and suggestions for her.
Learning to sleep together...and apart, is an acquired skill. Your nocturnal habits are completely unknown to you. It's entirely possible that something is happening during her sleep cycle which promotes this feeling (better sleep, worse sleep) and may be caused by many activities...sex before sleep (or not), hearing the white noise of her partner, morning sense of security or crowding...you get the point.
The bigger point is, if most of the time she is happy and in love, then she should look at what surrounds the other moments. Dumb question, how does she feel when he does stay at her place?
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:47:37 PM | so she is happier with him and feels guilty when she stays alone? Guilty why?
A. She is enjoying her alone time?
B. She would rather be with him and fears needing him to be happy? As if she is letting her sense of independence down?
If she is feeling a need to see her boyfriend by the afternoon, breaking it off would be a big mistake...especially if she is always happy when she is with him...
I agree with most of the other posters, perhaps they need to go to the next phase in their relationship where they resume a bit of their former lives.......it's perfectly normal....
If it were me in that situation I would just wait and see....why would anyone ruin their own happiness by jumping the gun on a morning whim? | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:01:39 PM |
Maybe there is some sort of chemical imbalance or depression. Its curious that she perks up every time she sees him... It would be worth looking into...
That was my first thought when reading the original post. The feelings described are fairly typical of depression. That may or may not be the cause of her trouble however it is certainly something she should look into before ending the relationship. | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 1/16/2008 8:48:48 AM | I can relate. This is an up and down thing where one minute you are blissfully happy and the next minute you are filled with doubt. It's usually about ones' self and a sign that you need to work on yourself. It can also be a self sabotaging dynamic and is very frustrating for the person you are with.
I hope your friend gets outside help, and I hope your friend cares enough about the guy to be honest about what is going on with her. | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 1/16/2008 9:34:43 AM | I was in a relationship once just like that, once. I felt that I wanted to be with her, but when I was away, I wanted to break it off. Eventually, I did break things off, and regretted it sometimes.
Afterwards, though, I found a really great girl, and thinks worked out pretty while we were together. | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 1/16/2008 10:04:29 AM | | Tell her she alone knows her own heart. It may be that she likes the idea of a relationship, but isn't with the right person, or she may be determined to ruin a good thing. I wouldn't get caught up in her drama. She can ____ or get off the pot - you know? | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 1/16/2008 10:15:12 AM | Some of my relationships have been like that too. We didn't go out to so many varied places but that's just a case of how we liked to spend our time. Some of my friendships have been as well.
I agree with Luv Karla. Better to learn to trust her instincts. I don't like being 'not nice' to people and no matter who they are/were there has always been many things about the people I became involved with that I liked or I simply wouldn't have bothered.
Sometimes it's just so much easier in the short-term for me to take the path of least resistance. Especially because I learned very early in life to have a public face and a private one. It's not so much a case of being of being two faced -- even when I got to the point of needing to talk to somebody else altogether about how I felt.
For me it's a case of feeling torn and, as much as I hate to admit it, hoping someone or something else would ultimately make the hard decisions for me. Unfortunatley it doesn't work like that. It starts out with me wanting to avoid confrontation and winds up with more of it than if I'd never tried to avoid it in the first place.
Maybe OP's friend can talk to him and it will work out well. I've found, however, that usually the other person involved has a few Aces up their sleeve too and I wind up saying "well, now I Am fucked even if I'm being true to myself". | |
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| Friend wants to split the perfect couple
Posted: 1/16/2008 10:47:05 AM | Your friend should not overly concern herself with this problem. She should give herself more time to sort everything out. We all have periods where we love our partner more than at other times, or we want more space at certain times than other times. THIS IS NORMAL. It's even normal to feel certain emotions for our partner one day, but not feel it so much the next. It's called being "human" and as human beings we have to contend with so many emotions on a day-to-day basis. Plus, some days we feel "better" than other days about ourselves, our lives, etc. and that can influence how we feel towards other people. Some people go through periods of self-doubt - about whether they want to stay in a relationship or not. If they're unsure, it's best to give it more time. Breaking up should never be done as a threat or ultimatum neither, or as a way to appease our self-doubts, or because we feel unsure about the other person (or whatever the case may be). Sometimes it's best to wait it out. Then the answer will come in time.
I have found that men especially go through a time(s) where they wonder if they should stay in a relationship or not. One of my (past) guy friends told me that that happened to him on a regular basis whenever he would start a new relationship, but that the self-doubt usually passed over time & so he would wait it out (at least for a while & he waited to see if the 'doubts' or negative feelings would persist over time). Now he is married - so maybe the other women were just not right for him - but at least he didn't break up with them as soon as "doubts" or "uncertainties" set in - he always gave it more time to be sure that WHAT he was feeling wasn't just a temporary thing.
I wish your friends the best, but just remember that just because a couple APPEAR "good together", doesn't mean that everything is honky-dory - maybe there are important qualities lacking in their relationship & maybe that's why your friend is having these ambivalent feelings. She needs to do some thinking, but not be irrational or make any hasty decisions if she's not sure about what she should do at this time. No need to rush anything in life for that matter - unless it's a life or death situation. | |
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