| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:10:24 AM | I have found in my past relationships the same problem over and over, and over again. I have always fallen for the emotionally unavailable men. Men that know they want a girl (usually me) and then once it starts to get serious they freak, scared to get to involved and bail. That would not necessarily be the biggest problem, but when almost every guy that I had broken up with because they where to scared to have feelings yet, they end up coming back, asking for forgiveness, right as I have gotten over them, and tried to move on.
I don't understand how there could be so many of these types of men out there, men who don't like to commit, or don't know what they want until it is too late. I am waiting for one day to find a man that isn't scared to be honest about his feelings, and who can openly communicate. But knowing my wrap, I won't be attracted to him. WTF
I guess I am writing this because I don't understand why there are men out there who are looking for something serious, but bail when it gets serious.... and after a few weeks apart come crawling back. Is it hard for most men to know what they want, or is this normal? Or am I just attracted to all the losers in OC.
T | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:18:50 AM | Well, if it's any consolation to you, I have the same experience/problem. Over and over. Maybe we just pick the wrong ones. Maybe we pick the wrong ones because we have the same unconscious fear of comittment, and therefore pick those that are unavailable.
I just don't know! | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:21:33 AM | OP,
Maybe you should ask yourself why YOU keep finding these guys?
And again, that is a human trait. Not just a guy trait. | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:32:08 AM |
Maybe you should ask yourself why YOU keep finding these guys?
Precisely. People will never ask, "Why is it that all the apples I buy are rotten?" Yet when it comes to potential partners, they seem quite willing to assume it must be the fault of the "apples." | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:36:54 AM | You are speaking my language and telling my story. I can't tell you the number of times this has happened to me as well. In fact, this happened to me yet again about a year ago. And like an idiot, I went through it again. But I finally broke free and learned my lesson.
I can tell you that not ALL men are like this. It's not a gender thing--I know girls who are like this as well.
The only way it's going to change is if you take a look at yourself, as I did. If you find yourself falling too hard or too fast, step back, take a breath, and ask yourself : what it is about this guy that is really good for me? Does he take care of me the way I take care of him? Does he make any real effort to spend time with me, or am I the one who is always calling, trying to make plans, letting him know how I feel?
After asking myself this, I could tell you, nine times out of ten, I realized that I was the one who was making all the effort, and he didn't reciprocate. There's no point being involved with a man who cannot give what he receives. If you are the one who is doing all of the giving, then it's a one-sided relationship and you need to get O-U-T.
I started being a lot more picky about the men I meet, and I laid it out for them early on that I was not one to be strung along. I pretty much have a "one strike and you're out" policy--you f*** up once, and there's no apologies, explanations or other bullS**t necessary. You're out the door. And stick to it. Once they're out, don't ever let them back in.
Good luck. | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:53:03 AM |
And how do I resolve that...?
The way to resolve it is to learn how to recognize these guys. You had to learn at some point how to recognize a bad apple. The brownish soft spot on the other side of it, the worm hole near the stem, etc.
Men give clues to what they think and feel and you have to learn to recognize that. You have an advantage in that you say you have experience with the bad choices. That is better than no experience at all. It may sound too easy but simply start dating guys that you are not attracted to that much. In other words, discover what it was about all those losers and see what they had in common beside the fact that they couldn't commit to a stable relationship. Pick guys who do not have those traits or characteristics.
Examples - Middle aged men who have never been married nor in a stable relationship (live-in type) for at least a year. They are not likely to be capable of it. Men who don't have children, don't like children have nothing to say about children. They are not interested in the traditional stable, family relationship with a woman. Men who show up with expensive gifts or dozens of roses rather than hand picked wild flowers he saw on the way over or perhaps something silly like you open the door and he hands you a chocolate ice cream cone.
Players and losers don't do silly things. Players don't tailor their approach to you and your interests. Players use standard, tried and true methodical approaches. Real guys are more rough around the small edges and make mistakes every now and then.
Good fellows are just a little more boring than the players. It is a trade off. You go for the guy who doesn't seem all that flashy but in the end, he can be just as great as the flashy guy in all the important things of life and he will be the one who not only sticks around, he will be the one who remains your friend even if you someday have to divorce him.
And of course, other women who have dated any particular guy (whether they love him or hate him) can give you big clues about how he is. Isn't that what you girls all talk about in the powder room anyway? I mean nobody has to pee that often in one night.
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AmyE3
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Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 8 | |
| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:09:44 AM | I'm starting to think that men enjoy being treated badly. You treat your man like a king, and they run to one that treats them like crap. Go figure. My life has been a series of "don't know what you've got till it's gone." You move on, and then they decide they want you and can't live without you. I kind of need to respect the man I intend to spend my life with, so there's no backtracking for me. Too bad, so sad for them  | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:10:28 AM | | Some women, if you show them any attention whatsoever, become all clingy and want to spend every spare moment with you, start giving you that 'goofy look', want to have sex with you (when you are interested merely in friendship)... | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:11:15 AM |
Well, if it's any consolation to you, I have the same experience/problem. Over and over. Maybe we just pick the wrong ones. Maybe we pick the wrong ones because we have the same unconscious fear of commitment, and therefore pick those that are unavailable.
Bingo! We have a winner! | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:18:49 AM | OP, not trying to put you down, but you really need to learn a few things about dating.
when you find someone that you like, then you have to start talking and asking questions about the things that are important to you. its a must to find out if you and that person are compatable in all areas, there is no other way to do it, you have to talk.
now i did not read your profile but you probley choose that you are looking for long term, thats the wrong choice because you won't look at anything else. truth is everyone wants long term. you really want to talk and becomes friends to find out if you are compatable , not talking first leads to failure later on.
all you have to do is read lots of profiles and you will see what i mean, most people don't make very good choices and it shows up as failures.
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:24:15 AM | | I'm starting to think that women enjoy being treated badly. You treat your woman like a king, and they run to one that treats them like crap. Go figure. My life has been a series of "don't know what you've got till it's gone." You move on, and then they decide they want you and can't live without you. I kind of need to respect the woman I intend to spend my life with, so there's no backtracking for me. Too bad, so sad for them | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:28:27 AM |
Examples - Middle aged men who have never been married nor in a stable relationship (live-in type) for at least a year. They are not likely to be capable of it. Men who don't have children, don't like children have nothing to say about children. They are not interested in the traditional stable, family relationship with a woman. Men who show up with expensive gifts or dozens of roses rather than hand picked wild flowers he saw on the way over or perhaps something silly like you open the door and he hands you a chocolate ice cream cone.
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe some of them have been kicked int he nuts so many times because they were simply nice guys, but the women want bad boys or revel in self-loathing. | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:33:26 AM | We do it for the beer, OPie. The guy with the most crazed, angry women on his trail drinks for free!
But seriously, when I finally confronted this curious behavior in myself, I realized I was behaving just as I would if there was a new restaurant I wanted to get into, someplace small and expensive and all booked up. I'd struggle and call, and prowl the place until I got in, and take the best girl still talking to me.
Once we sat down? I couldn't decide what I wanted. Everything on the menu appealed, but no one entree more than all the rest. (Of course, she had the chicken.)
What does it mean? I think it's a lack of practice in choosing, up against a lot of practice in hunting. Even a fellow who wants to couple up may only have the experience of the chase - the excitement, the language, the anticipation. So that same fellow has no experience of nesting, of not hunting anymore. Once he's got you, he's suddenly out of ideas. He hasn't navigated the next bit, not even in his imagination. Think of a dog who loves to chase cars. What does he do when he catches one? He stumbles around in circles.
I don't have any surefire advice for you, OPie. But I will suggest that you break it down with the next trembling candidate. Don't try to take him from dating to the eternal shackles in one big step. Have a long weekend together. Or three. Shop for a major appliance together. (Yours or his.) Talk about your wishes in general for your future, and let him mumble and stumble through his. Just give him a chance to play with the idea for a while before you pull out the contracts. There's an excellent chance he has never thought about it before, about what he would do, once he is coupled up.
Cheers!
Vulf | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:35:31 AM | Beautiful young one...... my best advice to you is to never keep all your eggs in one basket. Keep ALL your options open until such time as you are positive he is commited. Men.... Gawd I love em, but they are quite the slippery beasts. Especially in their 20's.
Primarily it's about youth, indecision and the grass is always greener, well at least until they start to piss on the new lawn.
The man who is truly into you will show his true colors right from the start.
Waving at Vulfie......... and his post although it may seem confusing tells it completely like it is in the male world.
But seriously, when I finally confronted this curious behavior in myself, I realized I was behaving just as I would if there was a new restaurant I wanted to get into, someplace small and expensive and all booked up. I'd struggle and call, and prowl the place until I got in, and take the best girl still talking to me.
Once we sat down? I couldn't decide what I wanted. Everything on the menu appealed, but no one entree more than all the rest. (Of course, she had the chicken.)
BINGO!!!! As hammer hit's nail directly on head.
:))
Witchy | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:35:49 AM | I don't know if anyone else has bothered to read Tam0613's profile but she's a 23 year-old SINGLE MOTHER.
Tam if you're dating guys your age (22-25) then it is of little wonder you've been encountering the Cut 'N Run scenario because that is going to be a freaky commitment to a lot of guys your age, by no means all, but a lot will be freaked out.
You're still at the University/just graduated age group of life. A lot of guys don't even known where they plan/hope to work, let alone if they want a child in their lives full-time. It's a hug responsibility, one that needs to be weighed carefully, though not necessarily feared.
I say the only disservice they've done you is not being honest sooner, but you have to let your naivety go and face the fact that you are now in the single most difficult dating category of them all, the single parent. It's like a Buyer Beware Scarlet Letter tattooed on your forehead, no offense intended, but any person is going to weigh a potential relationship very carefully at first... 
Hopefully with time, they'll grow to love you and your child, and the fear will be replaced with a longing to become a part of your family 
Best of luck!   | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:37:08 AM | | Oh my gosh, OP, I do the same thing. I always find the emotionally unavailable ones. I fall for them and then they run off. I'm in that same situation right now, actually. This one is a little different, though. I haven't given up completely. I've asked him to just tell me to go away and let go of him. He hasn't yet, so I'm still hanging on to hope that one day we might make this work. | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:44:50 AM | | Op. Maybe it's because although you are ready to be commited, the guy isn't sure he is ready YET, and isn't sure he has found the one that he wants to commit to, so when you start pushing, he starts pulling, only in the opposite direction. I've never had this problem with men, even the ones who are known to be emotionally unavailable, I think that's because they can sense when a woman doesn't NEED them to provide her with emotional stability, when she can take a relationship one day at a time without a big rush to get to the commitment level. | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:46:00 AM | TW ^^^^^^^^ has it right on the nose there, great advice.
My only problem with this thread is the OP's statement making this an ALL MALE trait. I guess I've just been lucky, because 95% of the men I've ever dated weren't indecisive at all. *wink* however ~ I was.... lol!
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:21:40 AM | OPie, perhaps you're misreading. I was listening to both sides when my son, then in his twenties, was deciding. His girlfriend was frustrated as hell, and was planning on going away to another school because she didn't see, could not tell, if he was even interested in her. What I was hearing from the kid, however, was plans for a ring, a great restaurant, and a champagne glass. . . . down on one knee ~~ whole megilla, lol!
As the in-betweener, I really couldn't tell either what was going on. So I counseled her: patience! And I counseled him: speed!
Good luck!
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:23:59 AM | [Tam if you're dating guys your age (22-25) then it is of little wonder you've been encountering the Cut 'N Run scenario because that is going to be a freaky commitment to a lot of guys your age, by no means all, but a lot will be freaked out.]
I have to agree with this. Men aren't usually ready to have a serious relationship that could lead to marriage until they are 25, even older if they plan on a professional career.
The OP also has a young child. Some men may be hesitant to take on such a responsibility so early in life. | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 1:09:36 PM | How does marriage equal committed? one is not dependent on the other.
Your drive for marriage coupled with 'instant family, just add water' situation - way too heavy. On learning of that, turns my heels from the start.
Men can make decisions, just not the ones you want - the very attitude of the question you ask, honestly. That alone suggests something also about how you are choosing them, and how you treat them in the relationship. The implication is that you are trying to make them choose, to extend control over them, perhaps even clingy/smothering - this isnt to say this is what you are doing or intend to do, even then what you think you are doing and what is projected can be two very different things.
Best advice I can give is - time, give it time. Any guy that is involved with you for a reasonable period of time is weighing things very seriously, they are looking at having a kid involved in their lives.
Save for my words, read up pamperpooch and vulf, and (I think) tigerwoods? (he spoke of the period of life they are most likely in). betwen these three I think you can draw some good insight.
Over all though, you are the common denominator, they maybe half the story, but you let them into your life, and then they react to you a much as you react to them. Thats two areas that you control. To understand them takes time. One is about learning of others and how you really choose them, the other learning how you project yourself.
Well good luck .... | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 1:38:19 PM |
I have always fallen for the emotionally unavailable men.
And who's fault is that?
hint : Your sentence starts with "I"
I find it absolutely hilarious when a guy is unavailable... a girl throws in the word "emotionally" before it like as if throwing the blame at someone else is going to fix everything.
Making a thread about it to whine shows that the 'emotional' problem was shared between the both of you.
why is it men cant make a decision?
He made a decision.. i'm guessing you did too... which probably is why you and them didn't end up together... so why can't you just suck it up and stop being a crybaby with your generalization male-bashing title?
Or am I just attracted to all the losers in OC.
you know the old saying : "you are what you're attracted to"
....er something something whatever...
cheers | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 1:54:19 PM | | I think it's quite normal that a guy run away when something gets serious. That happened to me too. They never know what's to be treasure till they lost it. we all do that... What I think is, those guys you met, they are just not mature enough, or have you been rushing? | |
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| why is it men cant make a decision?
Posted: 11/19/2007 1:56:29 PM | | You must be meeting the wrong ones, What I am finding that it's the women are the ones that can't make the decision, not the men. | |
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